Focus on the Family Broadcast

Establishing Good Communication in Your Marriage (Part 1 of 2)

Establishing Good Communication in Your Marriage (Part 1 of 2)

Based on his book Honey, We Need to Talk, Dr. David Clarke explains how couples can strengthen their marriage by improving their communication skills. Discussion topics include typical communication styles of men and women, how men can be more intentional in initiating conversations, how to better navigate conflict, and more. (Part 1 of 2)

Original Air Date: July 6, 2017

Opening:

Excerpt

Dr. David Clarke: “Goodbye honey, have a nice day” in the morning, come over, yeah, real quick, real quick, heh-heh (tsh). Two sets of completely dry, Sahara dry lips- nubs actually- touching, for a millisecond! They don’t make movies about that, my friends! (laughter) Unless it’s depressing! No! You grab your woman and you put a smacker on her face!

End of Excerpt

John Fuller: (laughter)That’s David Clarke and you’ll be hearing more of his humorous and relevant insights during the next couple of days about increasing communication in your marriage and hopefully the romance too. Your host is Focus president and author Jim Daly and I’m John Fuller.

Jim Daly: Hey John, today we’re going to return to a popular conversation we had earlier this year with Dr. David Clarke. And he is one of my favorite guests because he’s both crazy and fun! We said it on the first airing on this program, that David is the deliverer of gold nuggets– or the way I like to think of it, anything wrapped in bacon! (laughter)

John: It’s gotta be better that way, right?

Jim: Yeah, he just delivers it! He can wrap anything with his humor and make it palatable and acceptable to all of us. We also had a number of guests in our gallery who asked great questions at the end that you’re going to hear.

John: And we have resources for your marriage beyond this broadcast, including Dr. Clarke’s great book,Honey, We Need to Talk. You’ll find those helps at focusonthefamily.com/radio or when you call 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY.

And we really were joking about it, but we call Dr. David Clarke “Mr. Bacon” during this conversation! (laughter) I don’t know why, Jim!

Jim: Bacon was there a lot!

John: There was something there. He’s a psychologist, a very popular speaker and he’s written a number of books. Let’s go ahead and hear how that Best of 2017 broadcast got underway.

Body:

Jim: (Laughing) Well, Mr. Bacon, welcome back to Focus on the Family.

David: Gosh, thanks so much. The blonde’s gonna call me Mr. Bacon now formonths!

John: When … when Jim gives a nickname, it does tend to stick.

David: It does.

Jim: I’m sorry. Boy, I think in O’Hare airport, they sell chocolate wrapped in bacon.

David: Oh, man.

Jim: Now that doesn’t even sound right. I’ve not tried it, but there you go, John.

John: Well, your point is good though, because David does bring some great energy and humor and he really does bring insights that can help us in a relationship.

Jim: Well, in fact, David, you open your book,Honey, We Need to Talk, which is a great title, by the way.

David: I thought so.

Jim: Most every couple would say this is true, even if they talk a lot, they might not be talking about the right stuff, right?

David: Women love that title. Men aren’t so sure.

Jim: Yeah. (Laughing)

David: But men don’t buy books, so who cares?

Jim: That’s basically it. But you talk about a humorous story right from the get-go about marriage, your marriage and miscommunication in that marriage. I think it revolves around soap—

David: Yes.

Jim: –which when I read it, I was howling, ‘cause this isexactlyJean and me. What happened?

David: It’s the sliver of soap. We had a deal early in our marriage, we use bar soap, which everybody should use. Body wash is a waste of time.

Jim: We’re tryin’ to teach our teenagers that.

David: I know. So, we use the bar of soap to deal with. When it gets down to a sliver, as we all know, you can’t use it anymore and it becomes a real problem. Well, the deal was, when it gets down to a sliver, if you’re left with the sliver, it’s your job, even if you’re in the shower and you’re wet, too bad, that’s life, you walk 10 feet to the closet and you get the new bar of soap and you replace it.

Well, one day Sandy didn’t do that. I knew the last time I took a shower it was gonna be a sliver. (Laughter) It was gonna be her job, sorry. (Laughter)

Jim: How do you determine the sliver?

John: Yeah. (Laughter) And is this in the pre-nup?

David: It’s scientific. I’m … I’m a master of that.

Jim: Yeah, you get it down to just before a sliver.

David: Right. So … but she didn’t replace it. I thought, okay, two can play at this game. I’m not replacing that sliver; not my job. So, I used that sliver and then I went … I went to shampoo. I was using everything. I was not gonna replace the bar because it was the principle of the thing. I didn’t say anything to her. I’m gonna beat her at her own little game.

That went on for two weeks! Finally I said to Sandy, “You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me. You win. Why didn’t you replace the bar of soap?” “You dummy. I started using body wash. I haven’t used that … that bar of soap for two weeks.” I said, “You’re kidding me. Why didn’t you tell me you did that?” Of course, it was my fault. It’s always my fault.

Jim: Well, that one sounds kinda like your fault. (Laughter)

David: Thanks. (Laughter)

Jim: I’m just sayin’, but it’s a great illustration. I mean, I … Jean and I go through that same thing with the bar of soap. We don’t have rules though. It’s just like, you know, replace it. But it seems like I’m always the one diggin’ under the—

David: Yeah.

Jim: –the cabinet, lookin’ for that extra new bar of soap.

David: I bet you are and that’s not right.

Jim: I need to check to see if she’s using body wash. (Laughter) Maybe that’s true. There’s so many bottles in there; who knows what’s goin’ on. (Laughter)

David: Oh, women have a sea of stuff. So, I couldn’t tell. It was all shampoo.

Jim: Oh, that is funny.

John: How … how does this lead to communication? I’m still kinda wondering.

Jim: I’m thinking we’re in trouble right here. (Laughter) We might as well sign off. Thanks for listening.

David: There’s gotta be a point in here.

Jim: Well, there is a reason that you wrote this book. What are you seeing with the thousands of couples that you help, especially in this area of communication, what is the … the breakdown when it comes to communication? I would think most of our marriage counseling that we do now out at Branson at Hope Restored, the … the communication issue is the No. 1 issue.

David: Oh, it’s … it’s–

Jim: Why?

David: –absolutely central. We think we can talk on a deep level and … and an insightful level before marriage. That’s not true. You’re infatuated. I have a rock in shoe becomes an incredibly insightful statement. I like Bugs Bunny. Gosh, so do I. I mean, it’s ridiculous.

Once you get married and you’re living together, it all breaks down and we don’t know how to talk on a deep level. No one ever taught us how. If mom and dad did it, it was behind closed doors. We’ve never seen an intimate conversation betweenanybodytypically before we get married.

Jim: And in … in fact, in your book,Honey, We Need to Talk, you mention clam and crowbaras a … an analogy between men and women, which I was howling. I don’t know, John, if you caught that.

John: It was a pretty good one, wasn’t it? (Laughter)

Jim: I mean, what do you mean by clam and crowbar?

David: In every relationship there’s a clam. Now it’s usually men. Men are clams. Women are crowbars.

Jim: Okay, explain—

David: It can be the reverse.

Jim: –that quickly (Laughter).

David: A clam is someone who doesn’t like to talk on a deep level.

Jim: Okay, so they clam up.

David: Clam up; I’m clammin’ up; I’m not gonna give you the insights, the personal things. I’m a man or I’m a woman. I … I wasn’t raised that way. It’s not my personality. And the crowbar wants to get the clam open, that’s why I married you, not just for your wonderful physique. That was part of it, but I want you to talk. I want us to share life. And so, this becomes a battle early on in just about every marriage. Talk to me. No. But pressure … I … you … try to press you. I won’t talk.

Jim: Okay, talk about the crowbar. Typically the female, you’re saying, but not always, but typically.

David: Typically, she is …

Jim: That sounds a little more aggressive, crowbar. (Laughing)

David: It does, but it’s the truth. This is the woman who doesn’t replace the bar of soap (Laughing), I’m just tellin’ ya. (Laughter)

Jim: It all goes back to the bar of soap.

David: People think she’s nice.

John: So, we’re back to the soap. Good.

David: I’m sorry, people think she’s nice. No, she is nice. She’s a wonderful person. She’s more expressive. She’s a woman, so by nature she shares and wants to share. She … and she wants these deep intimate conversations with her man. That’s why she married him.

And she tends to … she can’t settle. The guy can live 45 years, 50 years and die without ever having a deep conversation with a … he can die with a smile on his face. [He] doesn’t get it. The woman can’t do that. It means everything to her. So, she presses. She asks questions. How do you feel? What happened today? And she doesn’t get the response. She’s not getting’ the deep conversations.

Jim: Right, so typically in the courtship, that seems to be flowing pretty well.

David:Oh.

Jim: –in the pursuit mode.

David: Oh, yeah, she thinks she’s got it. She’s (Laughter) sure of it.

Jim: Why do men clam up after the marriage vows?

David: Because we married you; game over. I’ve killed the deer. I … the head is on the … the wall of my den. I’m done. It’s like, the competition is over. But what really happens is, the truth is, he was never talking in the first place on a deep level.

Jim: Well, in fact, you point to four uh … steps to finding a solution specifically to the clam/crowbar problem. Go through the four. What are they?

David: First of all, you have to have the structural integrity in place, a structural principle, and that is you’ve got to make time to talk. If you don’t have time to talk, you’re not going to talk. So at least three days a week, I want couples to have 30-minute couple talk times. No kids. Above all, no kids. They ruin your romance. They ruin your communication, always about the kids. No dog. No pets. No electronic devices. Private, just the two of you.

How many couples do that? It’s in the single digits. That’s why communication’s such a problem. So, we create the time to talk, 30 minutes.

Jim: Three times a week.

David: Three times a week. And then typically, I’ll have the crowbar who’s gonna talk more and that’s fine. Let’s say it’s the lady. She starts talking and sharing about whatever she’d like to share about. Now here’s the key. She’s gonna share in two categories with the clam.

First category is, I’m gonna throw a bunch of stuff out, ‘cause my mind is filled with a bunch of things and I don’t forget any of them and I’m just talking and sharing. And the first category is, “Honey, if you … whatever you want to respond to, your choice. If something strikes your fancy, if it’s interesting, you want to continue that conversation, you do so. Up to you. Potpourri, bou … you know, a … a banquet of possibilities.

The other category is, okay, honey, I’m talkin’ about something very important to me, it’s personal. It might not seem important to you. It is to me. I want you to respond to this.

Jim: And to cue him for that.

David: Men don’t have a clue.

Jim: Right.

David: Everything seems important to the woman because she’s wavin’ her hands and she’s excited about buying a loaf of bread for half price. What … is that important? I don’t know. (Laughter) It could be. So that …

Jim: Okay, I need to say though, there’s no woman at this table, so we need to defend women, too. So, I’m gonna play that role with you, so …

David: Please.

Jim: Sometimes it important.

John: You gotta wave your arms are you do that, Jim. (Laughter)

David: Over the … please. (Laughter)

Jim: That’s good. (Laughter) If only ourlisteners could see us now. But uh … but okay, so that’s one and two, try to create this two separate approach—

David: Right.

Jim: –and be forthright as the crowbar, if that’s you. Predominantly women will be in that … in that modality.

David: Right, yeah and there’s—

Jim: So …

David: –no pressure. Let’s say tonight, this Tuesday night and we’re having one of our talk times, the first one of the week. The guy’s not gonna respond to anything tonight. He’s a man. He’s got to process it. Other than yes or I … I like what you said or I’m interested or he’s reflecting. He’s not gonna have a personal response–you married a man–very unlikely. That’s why we have the second and third talk times.

If he’ll process and write some things on a pad and … and kind of, it has to be intentional, he’ll get back to you the next time.

Now I’m gonna have some response the first day, but even if there’s a response, it’s not gonna be super deep. We have to talk about that same topic and that’s … that’s the third thing. We have to talk about it again tomorrow if it’s a good topic.

Jim: Okay.

David: We’re gonna get deeper the second time than we’ve ever done.

Jim: So, step two is introduction of the topic, no response. Step three is time to respond.

David: Right.

Jim: Okay.

David: Right and so … and that … most couples don’t do that. We talk about one topic, one time, that’s it. Even if it’s a decent conversation, it’s not deep. It cannot be deep. Who’s got two or three or four hours anyway? You’re giving it 30 minutes. We’re not made that way, so the second time we talk about something, hey, I was thinkin’ about the movie, thinkin’ about your … your mother, thinkin’ about one of our kids. Thinkin’ about that topic, I … and I have something more to say, so something more to say that gets you deeper.

Jim: Okay, so for the guys, just even hearing you list those four things right now, I kinda went, whoa, that’s exhausting.

David: Okay.

Jim: I mean, so how do we—

David: It’s tough.

Jim: –overcome that quick knee-jerk response to tune out? How do we stay in tune, especially in the exploratory discussion where it’s all over the map and it really is fatiguing.

David: Oh, it is. (Laughter) I’m giving men a huge break here, because the woman may want a response toeverythingshe says. You can’t do that. Life’s too short. Why do men die eight years before their wives? Because they want to. (Laughter) That may be edited out. (Laughter)

Jim: And it may not. You’re in trouble.

David: Who … who knows? No, because we can’t take all that. But now in my … my system, we’re changing it to, you decide what you want to respond to. Unless I tell you this is important to me, I need to have a response.

Jim: Okay, so that’s three of the four. What’s that fourth step in the four-step process?

David: The four … the fourth step in my mind is … is centered on the man, whoever the clam is. And they have to be intentional. They have to then remember what is said. Reflect first. Reflect what is being said, so there’s a connection. And then the things I’m gonna respond to, I do have to write down or I’m gonna forget them. If I’m a clam, I will forget it by tomorrow. I’ll forget it 10 minutes from now. I gotta jot this down.

See, love is intentional. It’s not just, gosh, we’re in love. Our relationship is the greatest. We never work at it. Nobody has a relationship like that– after you get married, so I have to be intentional. Can you imagine? And we’ve had this experience, the blonde and I, when I come back—

John: That’s … that’s your affectionate term for your wife, Mrs. Clarke.

David: Yeah, my wife Sandy.

John: Whom we’ve never met, but we hope to someday.

David: Mrs. Bacon to you. (Laughter)

Jim: Mrs. Bacon. (Laughter)

David: Can you imagine, I come back to our second talk time in a week. I got things written on a pad that she’s mentioned that I’m interested in. And I say, “Honey, I’ve thought about some of the things you said. Here’s some of my responses.” She goes crazy with love and respect and “You thought about me?” Women love to be thought about.

Rather than, I got nothin’. I don’t know what I’m talkin’ about. I forgot what you said. So, we gotta be intentional.

Jim: So, when you look at the … the number of couples that you have counseled, how many of them kind of are diagnosed in this arena, where the guy says, “I have nothin’?”

David: Well, just about 100 percent.

Jim: Yeah, so this could be on the core problems in marriage and certainly, marital communication–

David: Oh, I think it’s huge.

Jim: –that we’re not active in the process as men.

David: No.

Jim: And … and when we pull back, women get all the more uh … “crowbar-ish,” if I could say it that way.

David: Exactly and the men have to believe and I try to convince the men in my therapy offices, I know you love her. You’d die for her, but you’re … you’re denying her one of the most important needs uh … in her life and that is sharing yourself personally. We’ve gotta find a way to get your clam open. “I do love her, but the way …” Okay, we’re changin’ the scenery here, changing how we do it and that’s gonna work. And the benefits are awesome. She will love you. You’ll love her. You’re closer.

Uh … I will throw this in for the men, because they’re interested and it’s the God’s truth, it’s gonna improve your physical life like you wouldn’t believe.

Jim: Yeah.

David: Now I have Mr. Bacon’s attention. He’s like, oh. And so, that’s not the point. That’s a secondary thing, but everything works and a woman is made in such a way that when you love her and you’re open to her, she will give the love back 100,000 percent. It will just flow back to you.

Jim: Interesting. Let’s post those four, John and then we’ve got another list that we’re gonna talk about after … after this.

John: Yeah, stop byfocusonthefamily.com/radioto see that four-step list and uh … try it out or call us. Our number is 800-232-6459.

Jim: And Dr. Clarke, you talk in the book also about what to talk about, because men are that lost normally.

David: Oh, clueless.

Jim: Um … we don’t even know what we should be talking about in this moment of intimacy, these three 30-minute sessions per week, to move everything, all the distractions away—kids and animals and everything else—and actually really communicate. So coach us along. What should we talk about in that moment?

David: Every couple says to me and mostly the clam, they’ll say, the guy will say, “I’m sittin’ there with my wife (Chuckling). Panic sets in. What am I gonna talk about?” “Sir, don’t worry; she’s gonna talk. She will start many of your conversations and that’s okay. We just covered that whole area and you’re gonna reflect and gonna show interest and you’re gonna respond to certain things she says.

And then we have the carry out. So she’ll carry many of the conversations. She’ll start maybe. That’s okay, as long as you respond to a certain percentage, now we have a dialogue. You’re talking and we’re okay.

The second thing guys have to understand, it gets back to the pad and this, you could use your … most people use their phone for this obviously, unless …

Jim: Taking notes you mean.

David: Exactly. So I go through my day. I’m now gonna share some original material, not just gonna be-bop off of what Sandy says. I’ll do that, ‘cause she’s got a lot of material. But she wants to know what are you gonna bring to the table tonight? And so, I make a … I go through my day and I jot down things I think would interest her—events. If I have a strong emotion. If I’m–if I’m on top of things and I’m stressed during the day and that was a stressful thing, somethin’ else happened, I jot that down and I’m gonna share that with Sandy when we talk. Last night was on the phone. Long-distance, but when I get home there’ll be a whole list of things with my trip with Focus that are interesting. I had a great time with the counselors yesterday. Uh … Larry, the book guy. (Laughter) Our time, you know. A lot of stuff that … that I’ll … I’ll be jotting notes and I’ll be sharing that with her and she’ll be thrilled. “You thought about me. This is your life.”

If I don’t do that typical guy, I go through my day, I got nothing. I’m asked, “How was your trip to Focus?” “I don’t know.” “Are you kidding me? Or … or “What happened today?” “Nothing.” That’s what most men say, that you can’t build a conversation on that.

But men have no memory. You don’t trust your memory. You don’t have one. If I jot things down, she’s impressed. I have material and I can now start more conversations. That’s good, because men get tired of the lady always talking.

Jim: Yeah.

David: Well, you know what? Start talking yourself and you can start to balance things and it will go the other way.

Jim: Sometimes, David, the relationship has gotten to the point where maybe even that talking is uh … I don’t know, there’s a barrier there, where she’s shut down.

David: Yeah.

Jim: And so, you have two people shut down and the communication isn’t happening. What can a couple do to ignite that once again if … if they’ve been clams toward each other?

David: I’d choreograph their talk times. Of course, the couple is already seeing a therapist so that’s exactly where they are. They’re done. They’re … they’re seeing me because they’re thinking of getting a divorce and it’s totally shutdown. We don’t talk. We don’t make love. Uh … we’re just co-parents and we’re business partners.

So, I will force them, if they’re gonna see me, they’re gonna have the couple talk times. I’ll give them a week or two to get through their resistance, but I … that’s so critical. And now I choreograph their talk times. The book’ll be very helpful.

If they will go through these 10 essentials areas, that is the basis of their initial couple talk times. I tell them exactly what to talk about. I teach the skill. They talk about what’s gonna block them and they’re gonna … and they practice. That … it’s ideal for that opening scenario, I think. “Hey, you want to talk? Here’s what you’re gonna talk about.” Real issues, but … short chapters and not like super in-depth, but you’re gonna get … you’re gonna get some breakthrough.

Jim: Yeah, that’s good. Okay, let’s go to questions from the gallery and uh … it’s full of women, so we are gonna get some different perspectives here.

David: Good, ‘cause men don’t talk anyway.

Jim: (Laughing) Yeah, right, so let’s hear from the first person.

Marty: Hi, I’m Marty. My question is, when I put myself out there and ask my husband for help on something, his response is not always stellar, meaning I wish that um … he would understand what it took for me to already come to him and ask for his help. It could be on something simple like finding my cell phone or getting our kids into bed. But sometimes his response is so negative that I don’t want to have to ask him again for help.

Jim: Hm … that’s a … that hits a lot of couples.

David: Boy, that does. A guy’s immediately defensive and doesn’t respond well. What we need, Marty is a couple things come to mind. We need to have a conversation, a “come to Jesus” conversation with your husband. Men are so dense, they don’t get it. He’s treating you this way. He probably has no idea he’s really hurting you. There are some wounds happening here. No clue in the world, probably.

So, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. And so, we have a meeting where you say, “Honey, I want to have a meeting with you in three days. It’s gonna be about our marriage. It’s very serious. And I want you to think and pray. I will think and pray. The kids will not be at home when we’re gonna have this meeting.”

Instantly, Mr. Dense becomes, well, Mr. Bacon. (Laughter) He’s getting it.When you sit down you say, “Honey, I want …” and this is how the meeting goes. It’s gonna be a one-way conversation. “Honey, I’m gonna share and … some very important things,” it’ll be just what you said, Marty. “You’re responding this way. It’s really hurting my feelings; it’s affecting my love for you.” You get his attention.

You don’t mention any positives. That’s all he’ll think about. “Oh, but I love you.” Don’t go there. You do, but don’t say that. That’s all he’ll take out of the conversation. “Oh, we’re okay. She loves me. What’s next? What’s on TV?”

This is gonna be, “Here’s the problem. Don’t respond now. I don’t want your response.” That can avoid his initial defensive response, which you know you’re gonna get. “Oh, this, that, the other, you two.” “In three days or more, when you’re ready to respond, think and pray about this”—I’m assuming he’s a Christian man—”I want to get your response.” So, we stage it that way. The chances are he’ll have a better response.

If he does not, at least the dialogue’s started and now … and depends on how he responds, we’re gonna go into maybe some tough love things. You want him to know that he’s hurting you. We’ll have more conversations like that. But that first conversation done that way, staging it and making him wait and even the response, that has a chance to work. I’ve seen that work many times.

Jim: Yeah and David, one thing I’m mindful of is often when we talk in these stereotypes, we’ll hear from that 20 percent that, I’m the communicator in the family. Why are you pickin’ on me? You’re always pickin’ on men. We’re not tryin’ to pick on anybody here. What we’re tryin’ to say is, how can we um … help you in your communication with your marriage. And probably 90 percent of couples need that kind of assistance. And you might be in that 10 percent. Just move with us here. Pray for those that are struggling if you’re doing well. And uh … you know, just know the spirit in which we’re offering this input.

Let’s do one more question and then we’re gonna come back in day two and we’ll allow you to ask more questions at that point.

Liz: My name is Liz. I am probably one of the rare clam women. My husband’s a crowbar. Um … and just tips on more effectively expressing to him when I talk to him, that I just would rather him listen and support, instead of trying just to fix problems, because I can fix them myself sometimes. I just want uh … him to listen and … and support and be there for me.

Jim: You know, David, before you answer that, talk about the design. Why did God do this? It’s so predictable first of all and then go specifically to her question. But why do men tend to be “fixers,” rather than good listeners? And women tend to want to express and sometimes don’t want to listen.

David: These are qualities that He … He has literally built into us. It’s DNA, no question about that and that … it’s in a very positive way to be a leader and to lead your family and to get things done and not to be as emotional is a good thing.

Jim: Yeah.

David: Follow me. It’s a very hard time. Look at my calmness. Look at … we’re gonna handle this. But emotion is critically important. Who wants to live a life without emotion? Well, most men, but it … until they change. Emotion is what makes life fun and exciting and … and leads to great dialogue and it’s a very personal thing. So, it’s by God’s design.

Jim: Okay, so in her case, she’s the clam. She wants her husband not to just give “fix-it” tips–

David: Right, Liz. Liz is flipped.

Jim: –but listen.

David: Yeah, please and again, Liz has already answered her own question I think. You … you have to choreograph that. You have to tell him every time, the pre-step. And you’re thinking, doesn’t he know this? I’ve told him. Before every conversation for a period of months, Liz you will say, “Honey, I’m gonna talk here. I’m gonna share. I don’t need the fixing. Just listen to me. Unless I say, “Honey, I’d like you to fix this.” Go for it, but if I don’t, I … he wants to be understood. You want to have a dialogue, really connect, ‘cause fixing is a way the guy can avoid the personal very easily, too.

“Hey, do this; try that. I … I was in your spot a few weeks ago. Try th–” … erh! She doesn’t want that. She wants a connection. And she can probably … most women are … are … of course, all women are bright. My … my … my lady is incr[edible]. She could run a corporation, she’s that smart.

She’s chosen to support me in what I do, which is phenomenal. Now she works with me, but she could do anything on her own. When she talks, I want to fix, too, ‘cause I love her. I don’t want her to feel bad. The feeling bad and the going through the emotion is where the connection is. Most men don’t get that. Let her cry and let her be upset. Let her talk for 20 minutes or so and listening and reflecting. That’s far better than (snap of fingers), “Try this.”

Jim: Hm.

David: So, but … of course, you gotta tell him what you need.

Jim: And I think one of the things, David, we have to lift up is the celebration of marriage. You know, we talk constantly about what rubs the marriage nerve raw, rather than saying God has designed us this way. There’s purpose in all of this, to be complete, to be one flesh as the Scripture says to us. And I love the solutions-based. Maybe that’s my guy thing coming out, kind of this solutions-based thing, where this should work well and if it’s not, there’s reasons why it’s not and there’s reasons to make it work better. And this has been terrific.

Your book is packed with great insights.Honey, We Need to Talk, wonderful title, but you mentioned um … the four-step solution to the clam-crowbar, 10 things to get that conversation started, for men particularly. Here are things you can talk about and so much more, so thank you for packing it there. There is much more to talk about, so we’re gonna come back next time and talk again. Can we do that?

David: I’d love to.

Closing:

John: And with that we come to the end of the first part of a Best of 2017 Focus on the Family broadcast. It was a conversation with Dr. David Clarke and in a moment you’ll hear one last question and answer from David.

Jim: I hope you, the listener, have appreciated David’s fresh and funny presentation, but also convicting perspectives. It’s been a great reminder to me that I can do a better job communicating with Jean by implementing those regular, 30-minute couple talk times. It’s hard, but we need to concentrate on that. Here at Focus, we want to be here for you in your marriage too. In both the joys and the challenges– and they both exist. After we aired this program, we received a comment from a newlywed who shared that as a couple, they just experienced their first major argument and now her husband is threatening divorce. Man, think of that.

John: That is sad.

Jim: And these are the communication tools that will help couples stay together and grow together and learn together. We receive comments like that every day here and our efforts to help couples in crisis through our counseling department, through this broadcast and our Hope Restored program, which is a couples intensive marriage counseling retreat, these all have contributed to over 170,000 marriages being saved in the last 12 months alone. When you partner with us, you contribute to rescuing marriages and you help us give them the tools to work through these challenges. Here at the end of the year, I want to ask you to give the gift of family by making a financial donation to the ministry and allowing us to continue in our work to save marriages. Today with your donation of any amount, we’ll send you a copy ofHoney, We Need to Talk. And your gift will be doubled thanks to the generosity of friends to this ministry. That means $50 becomes $100; $100,$200. And it is a great way to do ministry together.

John: Contribute to this organization, do your ministry through us and we’ll send a copy ofHoney, We Need to Talkand a CD of this conversation as well. You can donate at focusonthefamily.com/radio or by calling 800-232-6459. 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY.

And while you’re at the website, let me encourage you to order our Best of 2017 collection, which includes discussions with Eric Metaxas, Sadie Robertson, Kim Meeder and many others. And as we close, here’s one final question and David Clarke’s answer.

Jim: David, as we leave though, there’s gonna be that couple or that spouse who, they’re both in that deep clam state. They’re not talking. You touched on that 10, 15 minutes ago. What is one simple step tonight where when they get together, maybe it’s gonna be at bedtime and they lay their heads on the pillow, what can they say to each other that’s gonna make a difference tomorrow?

David: I’d say this: our marriage is sacred. They can say that with authority based on the Bible. Every marriage is sacred to God. Our marriage is sacred. We’re not giving up. No matter how long it takes, we’re going to have the breakthrough.

This needs to be the mind-set. There is 100 percent hope. God is a God that can do anything and He particularly wants to, especially wants to save your marriage. It’s precious to Him. Even if it’s a mess, God says, “You know what? I want to show Myself. I want to be glorified. Trust Me. Follow some steps. You’ll get through.”

Jim: Love it. Let’s get back tomorrow and talk about it some more.

David: Great.

John: On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for listening. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back next time on Focus on the Family as we have Dr. Clarke here once more and we help you and your family thrive in Christ.

Today's Guests

Honey, We Need to Talk

Receive Dr. David Clarke's book Honey, We Need to Talk for your donation of any amount!

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Cover image of the book "The 40-Day Sugar Fast"

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Bundle of Why Your Kids Misbehave

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Dr. Kevin Leman

Dr. Kevin Leman

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Bundle of Why Your Kids Misbehave

Why Your Kids Misbehave and What to Do about It

Tantrums. Talking back. Throwing toys or food. Meltdowns. Slamming doors. Kids know just how to push your buttons. You’ve tried all sorts of methods, but nothing seems to work. In this book, Dr. Kevin Leman reveals exactly why kids misbehave and how you can turn that behavior around with practical, no-nonsense strategies that really work . . . and are a long-term win for both of you.

Loving Your Spouse Through the Seasons of Marriage - Part 2

Debra Fileta has identified the four seasons of marriage that correspond with our natural seasons – spring (new life and new love), summer (things get hot!), fall (showing our true colors), and winter (long days ahead). In this interview, she will help couples better understand the four seasons of healthy relationships, what to expect during each one, and how to carefully navigate them for a stronger marriage.

Author Debra Fileta in the Focus on the Family broadcast studio

Debra Fileta

Debra Fileta is a licensed professional counselor specializing in relationship and marital issues. She is also a public speaker and the author of multiple books, including Married SexChoosing Marriage: Why It Has to Start With We > Me, Love in Every Season, and Are You Really OK: Getting Real About Who You Are, How You’re Doing, and Why It Matters. Debra’s popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, and her Love + Relationships podcast reach millions of people each year offering guidance on topics including love, sex, and marriage.

Love in Every Season: Understanding the Four Stages of a Healthy Relationship

Every relationship goes through four life-changing seasons: Spring. Summer. Fall. Winter. Each season plays an important role in taking your relationship to the next level. And depending on how you navigate each season, your relationship will either flourish and grow, or it will slowly die. Whether you’re single, dating, engaged or married, join licensed professional counselor and relationship expert, Debra Fileta as she takes you on an eye-opening psychological and spiritual journey through the four seasons that she has observed in every healthy relationship.

Reconciling Faith and Science in a Medical Crisis

Dr. Lee Warren is a neurosurgeon who has faced many heavy challenges in his life – from serving in the Iraq War to removing deadly brain tumors to experiencing the loss of a teenage son. He’ll share about his difficult quest to find answers to some of life’s toughest questions, while holding onto his faith in God and the sure hope of heaven

Headshot of Focus on the Family broadcast guest Dr. W. Lee Warren

Dr. Lee Warren

W. Lee Warren, M.D., is a brain surgeon , inventor, Iraq War veteran, and author of I’ve Seen the End of You: A Neurosurgeon’s Look at Faith, Doubt, and the Things We Think We Know, winner of the Christian Book Award®. His previous book, No Place to Hide, was included on the 2015 U.S. Air Force Chief of Staff’s Recommended Reading List. Dr. Warren has appeared on The 700 Club and the CBS Evening News, and his writings have been featured in Guideposts magazine. His Dr. Lee Warren Podcast, which is heard in more than 60 countries, helps listeners use the power of neuroscience, faith, and common sense to change their lives.

Cover image of Dr. Lee Warren's book "I've Seen the End of You"

I've Seen the End of You: A Neurosurgeon's Look at Faith, Doubt, and the Things We Think We Know

This gripping inspirational memoir grapples with the tension between faith and science—and between death and hope—as a seasoned neurosurgeon faces insurmountable odds and grief both in the office and at home.

Praying Scripture Over Your Child’s Life - Part 1

Jodie Berndt loves to pray for her children. She’s been doing that for the past thirty years. Now she helps other parents to talk to God, asking for the salvation of their kids, and for wisdom, self-discipline, purpose, a future and much more. She offers fun and practical encouragement that moms and dads can put to work immediately in their daily lives as they prepare their children for a life in Christ.

Headshot of Focus on the Family broadcast guest Jodie Berndt

Jodie Berndt

Jodie Berndt is a public speaker, a Bible teacher, and the the author of 10 books. Find out more about Jodie and get some free resources (including printable prayer cards and calendars) at her website, jodieberndt.com.

Cover image of Jodie Berndt's book "Praying the Scriptures for Your Children"

Praying the Scriptures Over Your Children

You will discover how using the Bible to shape your desires and requests opens the door to God’s provision—and frees us from things like worry and fear in our parenting! This expanded edition of the bestseller features updated content on issues like technology and identity, and comes with new material designed to invite children into the family prayer circle. Purchase now and receive 10% off your product.

Mothers and Sons: Being a Godly Influence - Part 1

Rhonda Stoppe describes her early motherhood challenges of raising a son, which was intimidating to her. She found help through group of older women mentors. She urges moms to see their role as ministry in shaping sons to be good and godly men. Rhonda outlines several practical suggestions to moms about spiritual training, how to communicate with boys, and supporting the father-son relationship as a wife.

Headshot of Rhonda Stoppe

Rhonda Stoppe

Drawing upon 35 years of experience as a mentor, pastor’s wife, and homeschool mom, Rhonda Stoppe offers encouragement and guidance to women as an author and public speaker. She is popularly known as the “No Regrets Woman,” as she is especially passionate about helping women live life without regrets. Rhonda’s books include Moms Raising Sons to Be MenReal Life Romance, and The Marriage Mentor, which she co-authored with her husband, Steve.

Cover image of Rhonda Stoppe's book "Moms Raising Sons to be Men"

Moms Raising Sons to Be Men

Mothers of boys have the special calling to shape future men of God. Popular speaker Rhonda Stoppe, mom to two sons, knows this opportunity is a challenge, a joy, and probably the most important work of a woman’s life. Drawing from years of experience, this inspirational resource will revive the faithfulness and fortitude a woman needs to partner with God as they shape the character and heart of a future godly man.

Identifying Triggers in Your Marriage Part 1

They were both convinced they had married the wrong person. From almost the very beginning of their marriage, Amber and Guy Lia experienced various tensions and personality clashes related to house cleaning, backseat driving, workaholism, and intimacy. In this two-day Focus on the Family broadcast, Amber and Guy discuss how they bravely faced the triggers head-on, and committed to working on their own relationships with Jesus. As you listen to the Lia’s story, you’ll feel hope that you, too, can see real marriage transformation!

Headshot of Guy and Amber Lia

Mr. and Mrs. Guy and Amber Lia and Mrs. Jean Daly

Amber Lia is a work-at-home mom, blogger, public speaker, and co-author of two best-selling books. Her husband, Guy, is a former TV, feature film, and VFX development and production executive who has worked on popular TV shows and films. Guy and Amber own Storehouse Media Group, a faith- and family-friendly TV and film production company based in Los Angeles,

Cover image of the book "Marriage Triggers" by Guy and Amber Lia

Marriage Triggers: How You and Your Spouse Can Exchange Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses

A husband-wife team offers practical advice for married couples to end the cycle of reactionary arguments by examining the most common issues that trigger disagreements and apply God’s Word to radically transform relationships.

What to Do When You're Not Okay - Part 1

Life can be pretty stressful. Between work, relationships, and other obligations, the pressure builds, and we lose sight of who we are. Counselor Debra Fileta helps you better understand your emotions, assess your mental, physical, and spiritual health, and intentionally pursue a path to wellbeing. In dealing with anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, Debra understands the importance of self-examination as well as the benefits of seeking professional help. She offers biblically-based advice, tools, and encouragement to help you get on a path toward healing and wholeness.

Author Debra Fileta in the Focus on the Family broadcast studio

Mrs. Debra Fileta

Debra Fileta is a licensed professional counselor specializing in relationship and marital issues. She is also a public speaker and the author of multiple books, including Married SexChoosing Marriage: Why It Has to Start With We > Me, Love in Every Season, and Are You Really OK: Getting Real About Who You Are, How You’re Doing, and Why It Matters. Debra’s popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, and her Love + Relationships podcast reach millions of people each year offering guidance on topics including love, sex, and marriage. Debra resides in Pennsylvania with her husband, John, and their four children.

Are You Really Okay?

Are You Really OK: Getting Real About Who You Are

In Are You Really OK? author and licensed counselor Debra Fileta challenges you to get real with who you are and how you’re doing spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically so you can recognize where you need growth and healing.

Navigating a Toxic Culture with Your Daughter - Part 1

As a pediatrician, Dr. Meg Meeker has seen thousands of girls come through her office through the years. They struggle with eating issues, sexual identity, social media…and many other challenges in this toxic culture. Dr. Meeker will encourage parents to invest love and time in their daughters and develop their character to give them the best opportunity for a bright future, all rooted in a spiritual foundation. The discussion also includes healthy feminism vs. toxic feminism

Mrs. Meg Meeker

Dr. Meg Meeker is a pediatrician who is widely recognized as one of the country’s leading authorities on parenting, teens and children’s health. With appearances on numerous nationally syndicated radio and TV programs, her popularity as a an expert on key issues confronting families has created a strong following across America. Her work with countless families over the years served as the inspiration behind her best-selling books which include Strong Fathers, Strong DaughtersStrong Mothers, Strong Sons and The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers

Cover image of Dr. Meg Meeker's book "Raising a Strong Daughter in a Toxic Culture"

Raising a Strong Daughter in a Toxic Culture: 11 Steps to Keep Her Happy, Healthy, and Safe

Meg Meeker has been a pediatrician for more than thirty years, is a mother and a grandmother, and has seen it all. She knows what makes for strong, happy, healthy young women–and what puts our daughters at risk. Combining that experience with her famous common sense, she explains the eleven steps that will help your daughter–whether she’s a toddler or a troubled teen–to achieve her full human potential.

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Newest Release - Episode 1: The Truth About Life!

In this episode, we will tackle tough questions like, “When does life begin?” and “What does the Bible
say about Life?” You’ll discover and understand the stages of pre-born life and that babies are more than
just a clump of cells!

Yes, I Promise to Pray for the Pre-born and Their Moms!

Will you pray for the pre-born and moms that are facing unexpected pregnancies? We will send you a 7-day prayer guide that will help guide you along this journey with us!! You can even choose to receive this great resource by text!

Thank you for committing to pray for the pre-born!

Sign up below for your free seven-day prayer guide. This daily guide will help give direction to your prayers for the pro-life movement. We will be praying with you!