One minute we’re sobbing, and the next we’re praying or blaming ourselves. We want our 18-year-old son to know this doesn’t change our unconditional love for him. At the same time, we’re Christians who believe homosexuality falls outside God’s design. What’s more, we want our younger kids to have a biblical view of sexuality. What can we do to help our son turn to the Lord — and not label himself as gay — without pushing him away? We know we’re not the only ones facing these questions. One couple in our church has an adult daughter who identifies and lives openly as a lesbian. We also have friends who suspect their younger teen struggles with same-sex attraction.
NOTE: Although this article generally talks about relating to a teen son who identifies as gay, the advice also is appropriate for relating to a teen daughter who identifies as lesbian.
ANSWER:
Before we say anything else, know that our hearts go out to you in the pain and confusion of hearing your son tell you he’s “gay.” Your emotions are understandable and demonstrate your concern and devotion as parents.
As you pointed out, you’re not alone in wondering how to approach this issue with your child lovingly while holding fast to God’s truth. Still, knowing that doesn’t necessarily make the situation immediately easier. We hope our thoughts here will give you biblical comfort and wisdom for the journey.
The question of how to handle stated or suspected same-sex attraction and homosexuality is too complex to address fully in this small space. That’s why we encourage readers to get the advice of a trained counselor for their unique circumstances and to download our free booklet When a Loved One Says, “I’m Gay.”
Also, we highly recommend you listen to our free show Loving People Through the Truth. And for parents of adult children and older teens who struggle with sexual identity or openly identify as “LGBT,” we urge you to listen to When Your Child Struggles With Their Sexual Identity and read Ann Mobley’s book If I Tell You I’m Gay, Will You Still Love Me?
In the meantime, we’ll cover the following topics as important starting points to answer your questions.
Contents
- How to have a faith-based response to heartbreaking news
- How to talk to your teen about his statement that he’s gay
- How to assure your teen of your unconditional love
- How to talk with your teen about sexuality and faith
- What to do if your gay-identified teen or adult child lives in your home
- How to tell other children at home about their sibling’s struggle with homosexuality
- How to tell friends and extended family that your child identifies as gay
- How to respond to an adult child who says they’re gay
- What to do if your son or daughter still chooses a destructive path
- A special note for parents who suspect their child struggles with same-sex attraction
- Call Focus on the Family for help at 1-855-771-4357
- Resources
How to have a faith-based response to heartbreaking news
Your tears likely aren’t only because you grieve your son’s struggle and declaration of “being gay.” You might also feel a vague or looming sense of grief over potentially losing something you dream of or care deeply about.
Perhaps it’s the beliefs you had about your son. It could be your desire and hope for grandchildren. It could even be your perception of yourselves as parents. You might believe that your son’s feelings or choices reflect on you as Christian parents.
Acknowledge and address all emotions. Concentrate on establishing yourselves on firm footing. Get yourselves healthy so that you can be there for your teen. He needs you to model steady faith and calm integrity. You must care for your own hearts before wading into discussions with your son.
Find someone safe to talk and pray with before you talk with your child
Surround yourself with support. Choose a pastor, a licensed counselor, a mentor, or a small group of friends who can be trusted to be discerning and use sound judgment. Also, make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. (Call us at 1-855-771-4357 if you’d like help to find a trained marriage and family therapist.)
Talk honestly about your fears, what you see happening with your teen, and possible ways to continue discussing this topic with him. Ask God to calm your heart and fill you with His love instead of any shame or fear associated with your child and his struggle with same-sex attraction.
Ask God to help you see your teen as He sees him
The definition of homosexuality has had a big cultural shift over the years. It’s changed from being a behavior to being a condition to being a type of person — an identity. But that view isn’t biblical.
Scripture teaches that sexual behavior outside of marriage is never permissible. However, such behavior is not considered an identity (something that defines a person). God does not see an individual as “gay,” “lesbian,” or “homosexual.” He sees men and women made in His image who, like all of us, are marred by sin, wrestle with various forms of temptation, and desperately need a Savior.
Ask the Lord to help you see your teen as a person made in His image who struggles with issues of the soul — as does every person on earth. What he’s going through right now extends beyond sexual ethics.
Learn what the Bible says about homosexuality and God’s heart for sexual sinners
There’s no question that your son’s revelation has shaken you. You might even feel that you need to question or re-examine your own beliefs about homosexuality. That’s OK! Reviewing your convictions is a wise step as you pray for the Lord’s guidance.
Honest questioning can inform and solidify your beliefs. It can also correct attitudes or assumptions that don’t reflect Christian love. Dig into what the Bible says about homosexuality and God’s heart for sexual sinners.
Turn to well-informed authors and professionals who follow the full counsel of Scripture (the character of God and the overall picture of the whole Bible). Knowledge can help you respond to your teen about homosexuality, talk about God’s design for human sexuality, and navigate current cultural challenges.
A great starting place is our article 10 Things Everyone Should Know About a Christian View of Homosexuality. It takes a closer look at these truths:
- All humans are simultaneously sinful and loved.
- Jesus wasn’t silent on homosexuality.
- There is only one option (sex between a husband and wife).
- Male and female complete God’s image on earth.
- Sex is indeed about babies.
- Children have a right to a mother and father.
- How we respond to temptation matters.
- Sexual intimacy is not a right.
- Rewriting God’s rules is never an option.
- People are more than their sexuality.
We also encourage you to read these three books: The Gay Gospel?, Is God Anti-Gay?, and The Bible and Homosexual Practice. (You’ll find other recommended books, audio, referrals, and articles at the end of this Q&A.)
Remember that loving unconditionally doesn’t mean loving without concern
As Christians, we should place a high priority on positive relationships with our loved ones. To do that, we must find consistent ways of expressing our love even when we disagree with someone’s behavior.
This is where an important truth comes into play: Love and approval are not the same thing.
Look at Jesus’ conversation with the woman at the well. He showed His love and concern for her while guiding the discussion so that she came to see her sexual compromise for what it was: sin to be recognized, confessed, and turned from. He communicated God’s kindness and love yet never violated His conscience or the divine standard of righteousness. He never said anything that could be interpreted as endorsing sin.
Keep in mind that it’s not all about you
Teens have one foot in childhood and one foot in adulthood. Yet at 18, your son is legally considered an adult (in most states). That means he’s responsible for the choices he makes and their consequences.
It’s not your place — and it won’t be productive — to assume responsibility for your son’s feelings or choices, or to take on a burden of false guilt. In fact, that will only make it harder for you to show him God’s love.
Remind yourselves that what’s happening is not all about you. It really doesn’t matter what friends and relatives think of you as parents. Try not to see your son’s disclosure as a threat to your image, reputation, or standing in your church or wider community. What matters most is your relationship with your son and his relationship with Christ.
So, how can you respond to what your son told you? Ask questions. Listen. Spend time with him. Talk with him. Pray about what he shares. Speak truth into his life. And do all this lovingly, calmly, courageously, and respectfully.
How to talk with your teen about his statement that he’s gay
There’s no one-size-fits-all way to talk with your teen. As a foundation, though, remember that you can only control your choices and behavior, not his. Do your part to interact well and reflect Christ’s character, and let that guide your actions.
That said, don’t panic if you and your son have already argued about this topic. Ask for forgiveness over anything harsh or wrong that you may have said, and request a chance to start over. Do what you can to begin a mutual commitment that you’ll both do your best to avoid hurtful attitudes and actions.
It’s never too late to go back to your child and say, I’m sorry. I didn’t respond kindly to what you shared. God’s kindness is meant to lead us to repentance. And your kindness can be an example to your son of Christ’s love.
Early in your conversations, you might let your son know about your range of emotions. You could say,
This is obviously something you’ve been thinking about for a while. But we’ve just heard about it. And to be honest, it’s going to take us some time to process. We want to engage this well and with mutual respect. Can we have some time to think about what you’ve told us before talking more?
Then, when you feel ready, ask your son if he’d be willing to sit down and talk with you about the way he sees himself and what he’s told you. If he agrees, focus on two overarching goals:
- Protect your relationship with your son.
- Uphold a godly influence in his life.
How to assure your teen of your unconditional love
One of the deepest questions in the human heart is this: If you know me fully, will you still love me?
You can protect your relationship with your son by affirming your unconditional love for him. Let him know you care — no matter what he struggles with. Deep healing comes from receiving your love and affirmation. Assure him that sexual questions or struggles do not place people in some special category of humanity that’s beyond God’s redemption, transformation, or compassionate care. We all need God’s help to pursue Him and His holiness over our own human inclinations.
Make every effort to connect with your son on a heart level. Use first-person words I and we as much as possible. (You-based language can come across as controlling, blaming, shaming, or judgmental.) You might say,
We’re glad you’ve shared this with us. We would rather know what you’re going through than not know, so we’re thankful you’ve chosen to talk to us. We want to be there for you no matter what happens.
At the same time, as we noted previously, acceptance (love) is not the same thing as approval.
Acceptance … does not mean you must compromise your convictions about what constitutes right and wrong. …
Chances are your son or daughter wrestled long and hard with the decision to confess. … They braced for judgment and rejection. That’s why it’s all the more important you let them know they are valued and loved as much as ever.
You should feel comfortable stating your concerns. … But don’t belabor things. It’s especially important that whatever statements you make be couched in love. The important message remains: I love you and accept you — that will never change. (Responding in Love to an Adult Gay Child, emphasis added)
Try to learn what’s behind your son saying he’s “gay”
Approach your discussion as a time of discovery. Listen to your son’s attitudes, perspectives, and beliefs as he talks about his thoughts on his sexual attractions.
- Does he seem hesitant or confused? Is he struggling, sorrowful, or ashamed?
- Or has he confronted you with an uncompromising — even defiant — declaration of willful self-intent?
If he’s confused, you’ll want to be especially sensitive and gentle in your response because same-sex attraction does not make someone “gay” or homosexual. However, if he’s confrontational, set firm and clear boundaries for appropriate communication while still expressing your compassion.
Either way, never stop assuring him of your love, even as you ask him to think through his thinking. You could say,
Because you matter so much to us, we want to understand as much as we can about what you’re experiencing. Is it OK if we ask a few questions?
Once you get permission, ask questions such as the following. Where possible, keep them open-ended. If these feel invasive to your son rather than amicably welcomed, then take a gentle step back. Don’t be overly intrusive or violate his boundaries and sense of safety.
- What led you to believe that you might be gay?
- Have you also ever experienced feelings of attraction to the opposite sex?
- When did you first become aware of your attraction to others of the same sex?
- What was your initial reaction to those feelings?
- How persistent are these attractions?
- Have you talked to anyone else about them, and was that helpful?
- Have you acted on these feelings?
It’s likely that exploring these themes would be best with an experienced Christian counselor who holds a clear and compassionate viewpoint on biblical sexuality. As you pace yourselves in conversations, be patient and gracious both with yourselves and your child. Don’t create pressure for immediate resolution. Not only is this unrealistic, but it could push your son away and compromise your overarching goals. Instead, you can say,
We want you to know that we’ll be reading and learning about this topic because we care about you. If you’re willing, maybe we could learn together.
You might take time to browse the audio testimonies and articles we’ve collected in our Understanding Homosexuality page.
Ask your son if he’s willing to talk with you and an objective third party
Yes, you are your son’s first line of safety and love. At the same time, your son needs an additional safe place with safe people who won’t shame him for questioning his sexuality. Feelings of shame will only increase defensiveness or add to feelings of self-loathing or depression that sometimes come with this struggle.
The best choice for getting input would be to find a trained Christian counselor who specializes in addressing issues surrounding same-sex attraction. Make sure that the counselor follows a biblical sexual ethic and is compassionate, understanding, and experienced.
If you need a starting point, call our Counseling team for a free consultation at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). You can also find helpful guidelines and questions to ask in our article How to Find a Christian Counselor: Spiritual, Professional, and Practical Considerations.
How to talk with your teen about sexuality and faith
Even as you encourage your son to meet with a well-trained and competent counselor, he also needs you to be courageous in sharing God’s truth in love.
In the same way you reminded yourselves earlier, remind your son that loving unconditionally doesn’t mean loving without concern — or that you’ll always agree with him. You can explain that God loves us unconditionally, but He also cares deeply about what we do, what we say, and how we view ourselves.
What it means to follow God’s plan for sexuality
Does your son call himself a Christian? Is Jesus his Savior and Lord? If so, urge him to give his faith priority over everything else.
You can explain that you believe biblical values carry infinitely greater weight than feelings of attraction. You can also note that attraction, behavior, and identity are three separate areas — one does not have to determine the others. Behavior and identity, unlike attraction, are matters of conscious, willful choice.
In other words, feeling or discerning an automatic sensation (or attraction) involves deeper matters of one’s psychology or sexual development. This type of temptation is a delicate interplay between unchosen feelings and subsequent beliefs and choices in response to those feelings.
So it’s possible to be a Christian and, at the same time, wrestle with same-sex attraction. However, we cannot be faithful, obedient Christians while willfully involving ourselves in any sexual practices that the Bible says are sinful.
Stress the point that as God’s beloved and as a son loved under your care, you hope and pray he’ll seek and choose to conduct himself according to the standards of Christian sexual morality — no matter what temptation or identity questions he might be going through.
Encourage your son to talk it out rather than act it out
Encourage him to share his feelings, wants, hopes, and fears without assigning them to any specific category such as “gay” or “straight.”
In addition, warn him against sexual experimentation. Point out that experimentation, like labeling, tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Author Jeff Johnston writes in When a Loved One Says, “I’m Gay”:
Many people say, ‘I feel it; therefore, I must be it and act on it.’ In sharp contrast, the Bible talks about homosexual lust and behavior but not about homosexuality as an identity.
With that as the foundation, say something like,
We know we can’t control you. We just want to tell you how we’ve learned from experience that it’s always wise to go slow when making big life decisions — like selecting a college major, choosing who to marry, where to move to, or any decision that sets a major trajectory for your life.
That’s especially true when it comes to your sexuality and personal identity. So we recommend that you hit pause before labeling your feelings.
There’s no need to jump to conclusions by calling yourself “gay,” “bi,” “queer,” or anything else. You owe it to yourself to shut out all the cultural noise on this subject and take a close and careful look at your options. After all, many people have felt same-sex attraction without adopting the “gay” label.
Even if your son chooses not to honor your suggestions, you’ll plant seeds for future thought and establish the groundwork for clear, reasonable, and loving communication. Every Christian parent’s hope and prayer is that their child would turn from destructive behavior. The Lord can use your conversations toward that end as you offer your heart and what you know to be wise.
What to do if your gay-identified teen or adult child lives in your home
We assume that your 18-year-old still lives at home. If so, let him know you are committed to biblical standards of sexual morality and expect him to respect clear boundaries. These could include requiring your son to:
- Protect young minds. Your son must not talk about homosexuality with young siblings who are less developmentally mature. Children, particularly pre-teens, should be protected from potentially confusing information and not be exposed to differing viewpoints at an inappropriate age.
- Maintain sibling consideration. With older siblings closer to your son’s age, we suggest sitting down together with them if and when your son wants to talk with them. If he’s already spoken with them, it would be good for you to spend time with his siblings one-to-one. Ask them individually what they’re thinking and feeling about your son’s struggle (or his experience as he described it to them). Provide safe emotional space for them to be heard and to process in their own unique ways.
- Avoid public displays of homosexuality. If you and your spouse decide to allow your son’s friends to visit your home, they must not be openly affectionate.
- Respect family beliefs. You may not agree with your son’s perspective, yet you respect his right as an autonomous person to hold his own opinions. Similarly, your son might not currently agree with Christ’s call to holiness, but he must choose to respect your faith if you are all to live peacefully together in the same house.
Don’t argue. Just help your son understand that the choice of his conduct is his and that you’re not looking to create conflict.
These same guidelines can be used for an adult child who still lives at home or has returned for a season. The boundaries can be part of a formal shared-living arrangement. Explain that while you know your son or daughter is an independent adult, you also have a responsibility to personal integrity in your relationship with God and helpful boundaries within your home.
How to tell other children at home about their sibling’s struggle with homosexuality
While the situation with your son demands a lot of your time and energy, make sure that your other kids also get your love and attention during this stressful time.
It’s ideal and best if you and your spouse are the first ones to talk with your younger children to reduce the chance of other people sharing information in potentially destructive ways. (If they’ve already heard rumors or received bad information, clear up any misunderstandings as quickly and simply as possible.)
- Acknowledge and empathize with your children’s emotional reactions. Be ready to help your kids sort out complicated emotions.
- Make it clear that you remain committed to biblical standards of morality and that you could never stop loving their brother.
- Use age-appropriate language to explain that he’s going through a tough time. Ask your other children to help you treat their brother with love and respect. If you feel it’s appropriate, you can encourage them to pray for him.
You could say something like:
John is having a hard time right now, but Mom and I are talking with him, and we all love each other very much. That means we are doing our best to listen, understand, and support him in knowing God’s love for him and following God’s will. We don’t want you to worry — but if you do, you can talk to us about anything.
We suggest that you don’t give details about your son’s situation being sexual in nature unless it is age appropriate or becomes necessary. But when you do decide to talk to your children about homosexuality, start with a solid, biblical worldview of relationships, healthy sexuality, and marriage. Here are four free downloadable booklets from Focus on the Family that can help lay the foundation:
How to tell friends and extended family that your child identifies as gay
Whether to share with friends or extended family that your son struggles with same-sex attraction or identifies as gay comes down to one thing: respecting your son’s feelings and wishes.
Your main concern is your relationship with him and your ability to maintain a godly influence in his life. Everything else can be put on the back burner until you’re ready to deal with it.
Let your son know that you’re committed to walking alongside him. Nothing — least of all other people’s opinions — will ever make you stop loving him. Make it clear that your only goals are to stay connected to him and keep your relationship based on the love and truth of God.
With that in mind, except for your closest and most trusted support network (who will be strictly discreet about this information), we recommend you not say anything to anyone outside the immediate family without your son’s consent.
Still, it’s reasonable that you might eventually need to reach out to close loved ones for stabilizing support. What you choose to share about this journey will be based on the depth of their connection to you as well as your son.
Our best advice? Don’t overshare. Be calm, straightforward, factual, and non-defensive. You can reinforce that while you don’t approve of homosexual behavior because of deeply held biblical convictions, you do love your son. Because of that, you’re making every effort to maintain a relationship and godly influence in his life.
How to respond to an adult child who says they’re gay
With a grown child, you might feel an even greater struggle to know whether to press what God desires for human sexuality and our lives, or to just let it go. After all, they’re legally an adult. Here again, though, love won’t allow you to just let it go.
Everything we’ve touched on previously also applies to how to talk with your gay-identified adult daughter or son. Still, there’s the added element of them being fully independent. And unless they live in your home, there’s a limit to the boundaries you can ask them to respect. A lot will depend on the demeanor with which your adult child chooses to voice thoughts on their attractions and their sense of personal identity.
Additionally, your conversation with them will probably be ongoing, so don’t expect to resolve everything at once. Make allowances for continued tension and grief. Mom and author Ann Mobley shares in our show taping “When Your Child Struggles With Their Sexual Identity” that when her son told her about his homosexuality, life looked like “a long, black, lonely road.” So she sought God’s wisdom and help.
Mobley became more informed about homosexuality, and she also stayed firm about her first response to her son: “I loved him and that would not change, but his behavior was not what God wanted for him. It was wrong and I couldn’t change on that position either.” She goes on to say,
That set the groundwork for us, and one time he said to me, ‘I know you love me unconditionally and I appreciate that, but I’ve gotta live my own life and make my own decisions and make my own choices.’
I said to him, ‘Son, I understand that, and I respect that, but decisions have consequences, and you have to be able to face the consequences your decisions may bring.’
And so we had some very honest exchanges in that way, and I think by this time, he was respecting me. At the same time, I was trying to show respect for him as far as he could live his own life, but that didn’t have to mean that I had to agree with it or say it was all right.
I really had to seek the Lord in this whole issue. I went back to the Scriptures in so many different ways, and I just prayed, ‘Lord, I need You to love [my son] through me with Your love, because my mother love is not strong enough at this point.’ (When Your Child Struggles With Their Sexual Identity, edited for clarity)
What to do if your son or daughter still chooses a destructive path
What if nothing changes?
As parents, our hearts break if our child chooses a destructive path even after all our efforts. And one of the most painful hurdles is coming to terms with God’s goodness and His permissive will — that He allows people, even those who profess to be His children, to go their own way.
You carry your son in your heart, which will inevitably invite pain and sorrow. This season forces you to choose whether to put God’s love above your own potentially self-protecting interests. Can you love your son as an unredeemed sinner, or are you tempted to demand your own way — that he act “correctly”?
That’s why being grounded in your faith is so crucial. And it’s why we encourage you to persevere in prayer and thank God for His longsuffering mercy and grace. When you disagree with what’s happening, when you feel godly sorrow over the actions of your child, turn to the Lord. Ask Him for wisdom, for a soft heart fixed on the Savior’s glory, and to make you a guidepost of extravagant grace.
Keep in mind, too, Jesus’ story about the prodigal son. The father pleaded with his son, but he didn’t manipulate him. Instead, the good father watched for his son and embraced his return. In the same way, you can voice your care and concern, but you can’t force change. Be faithful in waiting.
We’ll end with these humble words of encouragement from Ann Mobley, whose son pursued relationships with men.
[I’d tell people] to not give up hope, to hold onto hope of what God can do in the life of your child. Pray for ‘em. Recruit others to pray for ‘em. … Hold onto hope to not only what God can do in your son’s life, but how He can give you the grace and the support in your own life to continue on. (When Your Child Struggles With Their Sexual Identity)
A special note for parents who suspect their child struggles with same-sex attraction
You mentioned friends who think their younger teen might struggle with same-sex attraction.
Maybe they’ve told you they have seen signs that their son is “gay.” He’s made a new friend, and together they act more like boyfriends than boys who are friends. Or maybe they think their daughter is “gay.” She’s always struggled to fit in with other girls, but now she seems fixated on a girl from her English class. Or maybe their teen’s closest friends are sexually confused, and they wonder if their child’s recent isolation and rebellion is a sign that he or she is struggling with their sexuality, too.
Whatever the circumstances, it’s important for parents facing this to take a caring, calm, and patient approach. A lot of the ways we recommend communicating with a child who identifies as homosexual also apply to suspected same-sex attraction. For example, as with older sons and daughters who’ve explicitly said they’re “gay,” you’ll want to be faithful in these areas:
- Protect your relationship with your child and uphold a godly influence in their life.
- Assure your child of your unconditional love.
- Talk to your child about God’s plan for sexuality.
- Encourage your child to talk it out rather than act it out.
In addition, keep in mind the following nuances of same-sex attraction in tweens or younger teens.
Remember that peer pressure is very real
Experts in the counseling field have observed a type of rapid-onset social contagion for sexual identity self-labeling during the tween and teen years. Young people are greatly influenced by peer pressure and social suggestion. Digital social media is often a major source of this.
Cultural and peer viewpoints can be powerful motivators during crucial developmental stages. Your child’s struggle with same-sex attraction may be their way of trying to figure out how to engage in a complex social environment — one that, sadly, is filled with lies about God’s design for male and female and even our own human identity.
As parents, you can gently guide your child to the truth that their worth and value don’t come from getting their friends’ approval or following the latest social media trends. Rather, you can help your child recognize their true identity in Christ as a treasured human being made on purpose and for a God-given purpose.
Understand that homosexual attractions aren’t necessarily about “sex”
For boys, same-sex attraction often has more to do with self-image or even envy, especially as it relates to masculinity.
So before you mention your suspicions of your son’s same-sex attraction, affirm the good you see in how God created him — as a young man with many special qualities meant to glorify God, his creator. Talk together about how the world defines masculinity and what God’s design is. For ideas, listen to our parenting podcast titled How to Invite Young Men Into Masculinity. Trail Life CEO Mark Hancock emphasizes the importance of selflessness, self-sacrifice, gentleness, and humility in defining godly manhood.
For girls, same-sex attraction, in some instances, may come from their desire for connection.
What otherwise would be a healthy, internalized sense of femininity can be distorted in a culture that disdains biblical gender roles and lies about what it means to be strong. Healthy femininity can also be misplaced if a girl’s experiences with men have proven harmful or, even worse, traumatic.
Here again, before you voice questions about a daughter’s same-sex attraction, let her know the good you see in her and in her femininity. Talk about what healthy femininity means and how God views womanhood. Does being a woman mean being a doormat? Being seductive? For ideas, listen to our parenting podcast with Dr. Meg Meeker titled Encouraging Healthy Femininity.
And for a deeper dive into helping children embrace God’s design, we encourage you to get a copy of the book Secure Daughters, Confident Sons: How Parents Guide Their Children Into Authentic Masculinity and Femininity. Also, listen to our show Nurturing a Healthy Gender Identity in Your Child.
Keep lines of communication open with your tween or younger teen
If you aren’t already, prioritize spending time with your teen. It could be as simple as making and eating dinner together, running an errand, or going shopping or to the batting cage — you get the idea. What’s the point? You’re making space for non-threatening talk.
Kids and teens often open up more (and listen better!) with side-by-side conversations that can flow easily during activities. Face-to-face chats have their place, of course, but some children are uncomfortable with direct eye contact, and they clam up. As you know, though, if your teen can’t come to you for answers about hard and awkward topics, secular culture is more than happy to give them answers. And those answers are not going to be based on God’s love and trustworthiness.
As you spend day-to-day moments together, you can naturally share truths about God’s plan for healthy sexuality. For important points to cover, read our articles How to Talk to Preteens About Sex and How Do I Talk With My 14- to 18-Year-Old About Sex?
Then, ask God for opportunity and wisdom to bring up same-sex attraction with your teen in a non-threatening way. You might say that you care for him and his peer group a lot — and you know that it can be tempting to believe what the world and social media says about sex and sexual identity.
Also, you might want to be open with your teen about some of your own sins and struggles. We’re not suggesting you share all the details. You just want to assure your child that everyone sins, and you want to spare them negative consequences you’ve faced. Teens are much more likely to share their thoughts with someone who’s honest than with someone who pretends to be perfect.
Feelings of same-sex arousal in early adolescence aren’t unusual or uncommon. Still, if you have ongoing suspicion or worry about your child’s sexual identity after trying what we’ve discussed here, reach out to Focus on the Family for professional help.
Call Focus on the Family for help
We know this subject is complicated and personal. That’s why we can’t overemphasize the importance of connecting with a caring and well-informed Christian counselor as you move forward.
Please call Focus on the Family’s counseling staff for a free consultation at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). Our team would welcome the chance to talk with you in more detail, suggest next steps, and refer you to qualified counselors and Christian professionals in your area for ongoing support.
We also urge you to look through the resources and referrals listed below. They can give additional guidance.
Resources
Resource Collections
Individual Books
If a title is unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life
The Gay Gospel? How Pro-Gay Advocates Misread the Bible
Gay Girl, Good God: The Story of Who I Was, and Who God Has Always Been
If I Tell You I’m Gay, Will You Still Love Me?
Love Into Light: The Gospel, the Homosexual and the Church
Love, Pray, Listen: Parenting Your Wayward Adult Kids With Joy
Loving Your Adult Children: The Heartache of Parenting and the Hope of the Gospel
The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children
Praying the Scriptures for Your Adult Children
Secure Daughters, Confident Sons
Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children
Your New Life With Adult Children: A Practical Guide to What Helps, What Hurts, and What Heals
“Focus on the Family with Jim Daly” broadcasts (listen online for free)
Accepting My True Identity in Christ
Rosaria Butterfield shares her testimony of coming to faith in Jesus Christ after living as a lesbian who was vehemently opposed to Christianity and the Bible.
Discovering the Truth About My Identity
Jackie Hill Perry shares her story of her former struggles with homosexuality and how she’s come to know and experience God’s love and grace.
Finding God’s Healing for Sexual Brokenness
Sy Rogers describes how his childhood was marked by devastation and loss, which led to homosexual promiscuity and a brush with transgenderism during his teen and early adult years. He explains how God has transformed his life, and he offers parents guidance for protecting their children against harmful cultural influences.
Leaving Homosexuality and Finding Forgiveness
Growing up in a single-parent home, Jackie Hill Perry learned that men were unpredictable and sometimes dangerous, while women were loving and safe. She felt same-sex attractions at an early age and eventually pursued an active lesbian lifestyle. When she was 19, Jackie embraced God’s call to purity, which led her into a wonderful relationship with the man who became her husband and the father of her children.
Leaving Pro-Gay Theology for True Faith
Joe Dallas shares his testimony of being molested as a boy and pursuing homosexual encounters as a teenager. After becoming a Christian, Joe struggled to reconcile the Gospel with his promiscuous lifestyle. Joe explains how God’s truth penetrated his armor and transformed his life.
Loving People Through the Truth
Rosaria Butterfield was a college professor and former lesbian who, after spending time with a pastor and his wife, began to reconsider her beliefs and choices. She now helps Christians identify prominent lies of the culture — including homosexuality, transgenderism, and feminism — and encourages people to lovingly engage false ideas with a biblical worldview.
Navigating Sexual Sin to Find Your Identity in Christ
Rosaria Butterfield, who found faith in Christ and left homosexuality, offers her unique insights on how Christians can more effectively reach out to the LGBT community with God’s love while remaining faithful to His Word.
Nurturing a Healthy Gender Identity in Your Child
Family formation expert Glenn Stanton offers insight and advice from his book Secure Daughters, Confident Sons: How Parents Guide Their Children Into Authentic Masculinity and Femininity.
Reclaiming Your Identity in the Father’s Love
Singer-songwriter Dennis Jernigan recounts his former struggles with homosexuality and describes how he found hope, restoration, and a new identity through his personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
Sharing Christ in a Cancel Culture
Before God fully captured his heart, Joe Dallas identified as a homosexual and tried to integrate his sexuality with his Christian beliefs, actively promoting a pro-gay theology. In this broadcast, Dallas addresses an increasingly hostile cancel culture, helping believers to cultivate respectful discussions and share Christ’s love and truth with others who don’t share our faith.
Transformed by Grace: Leaving Homosexuality to Follow Christ
Becket Cook shares his story as a former homosexual who worked in the world of fashion and lived a promiscuous lifestyle until he had a transforming encounter with Jesus Christ, which led him to walk away from homosexuality.
When Your Child Struggles With Their Sexual Identity
Ann Mobley offers guidance and encouragement to parents who are struggling with their child’s homosexuality.
Focus on the Family free online booklets
Equipping Parents to Respond to Gender-Confusing Messages in Schools
How Should We Respond: An Exhortation to the Church on Loving the Homosexual
How to Teach Your Children About Marriage: Creative and practical ideas
Managing Those Tricky Emotions
Parents’ Guide to Technology 2026
Raising Children Who Honor Marriage
The Talk: Healthy Sexuality Education
Understanding Male Homosexuality: God’s Power to Change Lives
Referrals
Articles
10 Things Everyone Should Know About a Christian View of Homosexuality
How Should Christian Parents Respond If One of Their Children Comes Out As Gay?
Parent Concerned That Teen Might Be Homosexual
Parent Suspects That Child Might Be Gay
Raising Godly Men Out of a Toxic Culture
Responding In Love to an Adult Gay Child
Struggling With Same-Sex Attractions
