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Discussing Puberty and Sexuality With a Pre-Teen

Do you have any advice for a parent of a pre-teen who's trying to gear up for "the talk" about sexuality and "the facts of life?" It's time we got around to discussing puberty and sex, but I'm worried the conversation will be awkward. Can you help me?

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It’s good to hear that you’ve been thinking about tackling this important responsibility. Too many children learn about sex from everyone but their parents. Playground slang and obscenity, a distorted description of intercourse from the tough kid up the street or, worst of all, pornographic material, often provides a child’s first jarring glimpse of sex. To make things worse, efforts by public schools to correct misinformation often leave out a critical ingredient: the moral framework within which the facts about reproduction should be presented. For all these reasons, we believe that the best place for a child to learn about sexuality is at home with those who care most about him. In the school of sex education, the faculty should be you.

Anyone can teach the basic facts about reproduction in an hour or two (or they can be read in any of several reference books), but you are in the best position to put this information in the proper context and give it the right perspective over a period of time. There are no cut-and-dried formulas for carrying out this assignment, but we suggest that you keep the following principles in mind:

  • Giving a child facts about reproduction, including details about intercourse, does not rob him of innocence. Innocence is a function of attitude, not information. A school-age child who understands the specifics of sex, while seeing it as something that, in the proper context, both expresses love and begins new life, retains his innocence. But a child who knows very little about sex can already have a corrupt mind-set if he has been exposed to it in a degrading, mocking or abusive context.
  • If you feel squeamish or inhibited about discussing this subject with your child, reflect for a moment on your own attitudes. Do you harbor any feelings that sexual activity, even between husbands and wives, is somehow base or something that God really doesn’t approve of? If so, it’s never too late to address such issues with an individual who has training and experience in this field. We can provide you with a list of qualified therapists practicing in your area. Call our counselors for a free phone consultation. They’ll be pleased to assist you in any way they can.
  • Don’t wait or to tell your child everything you know about sex during a single, intense marathon session. Details should be released gradually during many conversations over a period of several years. In most cases, you’ll be dispensing information on a need-to-know basis.
  • If your child asks questions you can’t answer, don’t become flustered. Be honest, and then do some research. You gain far more stature in your child’s eyes by showing candor than by bluffing.

The overarching theme of your discussions about sex should be the importance of respect – respect for our bodies, for the wonders of reproduction, for privacy in sexual matters, for the present and future well-being of others and for marriage as the appropriate context for sexual expression. The specific content of these discussions should emerge naturally as you progress. Along with pinning down the correct names and addresses of body parts, the mechanics of intercourse and the process whereby the egg and the sperm unite, you will want to emphasize the point that the Designer of human beings laid down some rules about sex for good reasons – not to be a killjoy but to maximize our enjoyment of it and to protect us from painful consequences. Sex experienced within those boundaries – between one man and one woman, maintained within a marriage relationship to which both are committed for the rest of their lives – it is not only right but the safest and most pleasurable.

 

Resources
If a title is currently unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer.

The Focus on the Family Guide to Talking With Your Kids about Sex: Honest Answers for Every Age

Preparing for Adolescence: How to Survive the Coming Years of Change

Bringing Up Girls

Bringing Up Boys

Parenting Today’s Adolescent

Boom: A Guy’s Guide to Growing Up

How to Talk Confidently with Your Child About Sex

The Talk

Referrals

John Rosemond: Parenting with Love and Leadership

Articles

Preparing for Adolescence

Excerpted from The Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care published by Tyndale House Publishers. Copyright © 1997, 2007, Focus on the Family.

This information has been approved by the Physicians Resource Council of Focus on the Family.

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