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Home » Family QAs » Get Help » Family Q&A » How to Deal With Someone Who Lies Constantly: Biblical Help and Practical Boundaries

How to Deal With Someone Who Lies Constantly: Biblical Help and Practical Boundaries

My married brother lies to everyone in his life about everything. We’ve tried to talk to him, but nothing changes.

My adult brother is driving his wife — and all of us — crazy! He lies about everything: where he goes, office projects he’s working on, who he texts, how he spends their money, everything! I wonder if his lying is compulsive or pathological because it seems that he has to lie. None of us realized the extent of his dishonesty until we started comparing encounters we’ve had with him; we don’t know if we can trust anything he says. It’s not a once-in-a-while slip of memory, and it’s not an occasional white lie. His habitual deception is an ongoing pattern of dishonesty. His wife and our dad have both confronted him at separate times. He says he’s sorry and will do better, but nothing changes. My sister-in-law feels betrayed and is ready to leave him, and none of us knows what to do.

Note: This Q&A discusses how to respond to an adult who displays an ongoing pattern of lying. If you’re concerned about your child or teen’s behavior, please start with our articles How Do I Get My Child to Stop Lying? and The Truth About Lying. If you believe your child’s lying has moved beyond being developmentally normal, please call our professional and pastoral counselors at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) or search for qualified counselors and therapists in your area.

Also, call Focus on the Family at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) if you or others affected by a habitual liar show signs of abuse (whether emotional, verbal, physical, or spiritual). Call 911 if you’re in immediate danger, or call local law enforcement if the person lying is doing anything illegal. Deception can be a sign of a serious personality disorder where dishonesty is just one aspect of a manipulative, controlling lifestyle.

ANSWER:

Trust and truth are foundational pillars of any healthy relationship. So if a family member, spouse, friend, or co-worker communicates untruths, they break trust and betray you. Knowing that, it’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions, including confusion, irritation, anger, hurt, and more.

When a person’s actions reveal a pattern of deception, knowing when they’re lying and when they’re telling the truth can be hard to figure out. The tension between wanting to believe that person and being cautious about their statements can feel constant. And then there’s the pain of trying to understand why someone would lie to you. All of that uncertainty can make anyone feel like they’re going crazy!

You’re right: Your brother’s actions can’t be ignored. We believe that Christians are called to speak the truth in love. How we speak that truth can depend on the other person’s relationship with Jesus. Author Tanner Kay Swanson writes in her article Love Tells the (Hard) Truth,

When we speak the truth in love to other believers, God uses our words as loving spurs. … When we speak the truth in love to unbelievers, God uses our words as capsules that carry the good news to hearts and minds foreign to Christ.

If your brother professes to be a Christian and is part of a local church, you (and your sister-in-law) can plan a biblical response to his dishonesty using Matthew 18:15-17 as a guide, along with other information in this Q&A.

How to confront a fellow Christian about sin using Matthew 18:15-17

Matthew 18:15-17 offers a four-step process on how to manage a situation when another believer sins against you.

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

Let’s break down the steps, verse by verse:

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15).

In many cases, you should go to the person personally and confront them about their pattern of lying. Nervous about how to raise the issue? Try practicing in front of a mirror to help you choose your wording and stick to the important points. Preparing for the conversation also helps you practice your tone of voice and how to keep a steady pace.

That said, confronting a habitual liar hinges on whether the person is safe to confront. We’ll talk more about that in a bit. Be ready to walk away from the conversation if it turns argumentative.
“But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses” (Matthew 18:16).

If you confront the person and that didn’t resolve the problem, take another person with you (who knows and understands the pattern of dishonesty) to confront the liar a second time.
“If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church” (Matthew 18:17a).

If step two doesn’t resolve the problem, take the issue to your local church leadership. This assumes that (1) the other person attends the same church as you do and (2) the church leadership is willing to enter into issues between their congregants in a biblical manner. If this step isn’t an option, move to step 4.
“If he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:17b).

If the other person refuses to listen and change, you need to set further boundaries. The damage their lifestyle continues to cause may make it necessary to break contact with them, depending on the specific relationship.

However, if you’re not certain about your brother’s standing with God or if he openly opposes Christianity, it’s even more important to read this Q&A in its entirety before acting.

God’s truth about dishonesty

Lying — making an untrue statement with the intent to deceive — entered the world through the original liar, Satan. He is “the father of lies.” Satan’s goal from the beginning is to separate people from God.

People’s reasons for purposeful deception might not seem “that bad” in comparison: for convenience; to cover up lies and shame; to try to protect themselves or others from embarrassment, judgment, and consequences; or to exaggerate to get attention.

However, the Bible tells us that all sin separates people from God. When we sin by lying, we go against God’s holy way and are separated from Him. Consider these Scripture passages (out of many Bible verses about lying):

“Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight” (Proverbs 12:22).

“A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will perish” (Proverbs 19:9).

“The getting of treasures by a lying tongue is a fleeting vapor and a snare of death” (Proverbs 21:6).

“Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices (Colossians 3:9).

God delights in truth. The Bible tells us that “it is impossible for God to lie” because He is truth. Jesus said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life” (John 14:6) — the truth of Jesus sets us free. He called the Holy Spirit “the Spirit of truth” (John 14:17; John 15:26; John 16:13). And He guides us to communicate faithfully and to think about and pursue truth.

If we call Jesus our Savior and Lord and sincerely want to pursue God’s holiness, we also must detest dishonesty. We must root it out in our own hearts — and we must hold each other accountable to be gracious truth tellers.

Note: We don’t have room in this article to cover instances in Scripture where the Lord does not condemn intentionally misleading statements. Rather, we rest in the truth that God’s ways are higher than ours. For a deeper look at when communicating accurately might be morally wrong, we suggest Professor Daniel Heimbach’s article Is It Ever Right to Lie?

How to know if someone is a habitual liar

Before going further, we want to highlight basic terms we use in this Q&A. Nothing will surprise you, but looking at the words through the specific lens of habitual lying can be helpful.

To lie — 1) “to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive,” or 2) “to create a false or misleading impression.” (Merriam-Webster)

To be dishonest — Being dishonest encompasses nuanced complexities of lying. Both involve making untrue statements. However, dishonesty is also marked by intentionally withholding, discounting, or distracting someone from necessary information. A dishonest person often misrepresents truth in ways that deceive someone else into drawing false conclusions.

Denial — A dishonest person uses denial in psychological forms such as repression or projection to stay unaware (at some level) of lies. In essence, a habitual liar protects their mind from their behavior by distorting reality.

Betrayal — Lying is an action; betrayal is the outcome of dishonesty. Habitual liars often betray people they have close relationships with by abandoning, deserting, or mistreating them.

To confront — To confront is to directly face a problem or person. This can be a necessary tool for conflict resolution.

Let’s be honest (no pun intended): We’re all guilty of lying. Did we really like that salad dressing, or did we not want to disappoint the hostess? Do we really love the neon sweater grandma made, or do we want to be a gracious recipient of her love? Did we finish that project, or are we hoping the boss won’t find out we haven’t yet handed it off to our colleague?

We won’t get into the morality of white lies here. The point is that habitual dishonesty goes deeper than a spur-of-the-moment lie. A chronic liar might frequently change their story, get defensive if someone points out those inconsistencies, and say one thing but do another.

A person who is harmfully, habitually dishonest makes statements with purposeful intent to deceive or mislead. How can you tell? Look for patterns in a person’s behavior: consistent actions that show you their lying is purposeful (motivated by something) and intentional (planned). Confirming whether their words prove to be untrue can take time.

Six common reasons people lie

Considering why someone might lie is a key step to knowing how to handle the situation. But before we look at common reasons for dishonesty, let’s get a bit academic for a minute.

You might see the terms compulsive liar and pathological liar both used to describe habitual lying:

A compulsive liar usually bends the truth out of habit and a need to feel safe. To them, lying is an automatic response; it’s not necessarily about being overly manipulative. If you confront a compulsive liar about their actions, they might admit to lying, although stopping that behavior might be difficult for them.

A pathological liar often bends the truth to get their own way; they don’t care about “truth.” They often disregard the needs of other people and are intentionally manipulative. If you confront a pathological liar, they’re likely to be defensive and deny lying.

Knowing the differences can be helpful when we get to the section on safe confrontation. But don’t get hung up on specific language. The bigger picture to keep in mind is realizing that people lie for many reasons — whether motivated by mental or physical circumstances, responding to trauma, or struggling with addiction.

Safety motivation

This pattern of lying often develops in childhood. It’s an automatic reaction to guard against harm or avoid getting in trouble, being rejected, or receiving a negative response. If someone is motivated by safety to hide the truth, they likely have grown up thinking that lying is necessary and common.

Physiological motivation

Telling a lie typically leads to initial feelings of stress and guilt. However, “successful” lies can reduce a person’s prefrontal cortex reaction and release dopamine to create a positive psychological sensation of “deceiver’s delight.” In this pattern of lying, getting away with a purposeful lie can become a thrill-seeking event.

Esteem motivation

Telling a lie that exaggerates a person’s abilities and skills can create a temporary rush with the release of the “happy hormones” serotonin and dopamine. From a spiritual perspective, this pattern of lying relates to being prideful. (Finding satisfaction in a job well done is different from the pride of thinking we’re better than others.)

Selfish motivation

Selfishness is one of the most common motivators for being dishonest. In this pattern of habitual lying, a person lies to get what they want when they want it. And if they’re able to avoid negative consequences (to get away with the lie), their brain’s reward center is also triggered to experience an increase in the release of the “feel-good” hormone, dopamine.

Trauma response

If an individual has endured a traumatic event, they might have incomplete or compromised memories. Lying under those circumstances would be automatic and not done consciously. In this situation, a pattern of lying is not an attempt to deceive for selfish gain.

Result of addictive behavior

Dishonesty is a hallmark of addiction. For an addict, dishonesty is not just a system of deception, it’s a tool of survival. An addict’s dishonesty aims to keep a tight grip on their substance use or behavioral addiction while simultaneously avoiding shame, consequences, and confrontation.

Dealing with a dishonest person who also battles ongoing substance abuse is different from dealing with a generally dishonest person. Although underlying drivers and forms of dishonesty may appear similar, the end goals for an addict can differ.

An addict tells lies in service of the addiction itself. Deception protects the person’s access to the reward, ritual, or emotional escape their addiction provides. Confronting an addict caught in a cycle of dishonesty requires a direct approach because there is usually an already-established pattern of deception, denial, and betrayal.

We also need to account for possible cognitive disabilities or impairments due to long-term substance abuse. Substances such as benzodiazepines, cannabis, cocaine, opioids, alcohol, or methamphetamines can contribute to neurological changes or impairments (depending on duration and coupled with genetics or a history of trauma).

What to do when you become aware of a pattern of dishonesty

What can you do when you sense (or know with certainty) that someone has a pattern of trying to intentionally deceive you? Pay attention to your instincts, stay humble, and remember that people have free will.

Pay attention to your instincts

First impressions often can confirm that a situation needs further attention. Consider what might be going on with the person. The underlying issue leading to their dishonesty might be both spiritual and psychological. It may be a bad habit, or it may be something deeper and more serious. Even as you develop a theory, however, don’t act without first making a wise plan — including praying and examining your own heart. (We’ll touch more on that in upcoming sections.)

Stay humble

Could your assumptions come from personal bias or past experiences that make you overly sensitive? If you’ve been hurt before and trust was broken — especially by deception and betrayal — you easily can become anxious, prone to misinterpreting situations, and more likely to mistrust others.

On the other hand, if you have concrete evidence of someone’s lies (as in your brother’s case), you might wonder, “Is this my fault?” or “Have I done everything I could to make things right?” Subconsciously, you might even want the situation to be your fault because then you could “fix” it and make the relationship turn out the way you want. Yet, trying to manipulate someone’s heart or behavior isn’t respectful or wise.

For a deeper look at healthy relational interactions, we’ll point you to our articles Four Styles of Relational Interaction and The Dance of Relationships.

Remember that people have free will

It’s OK to hope for reconciliation and healing; you want goodness for everyone involved. Nevertheless, you can’t force someone to change. You are not responsible for your loved one’s behavior. Even though we grieve to see our loved one destroy their life and hurt the people around them, we must acknowledge their right to choose.

Instead of grasping for a solution, focus on how you might give truthful, helpful feedback to the person about their behavior so they might realize what they’re doing and choose to make necessary changes.

How to decide whether to confront a liar

When circumstances make it obvious that someone is lying, you need to decide whether and how to address the situation. Ask yourself three questions:

Does the issue need to be addressed?
Does it need to be addressed right now?
Does it need to be addressed right now by me?

If you believe the issue does need to be raised now and by you, consider how receptive the dishonest person is likely to be to your input. Knowing the individual as you do, think about how they probably will respond if you mention their lying.

If you expect the individual to admit to habitual lying, they likely are safe to confront.

We’ll frame basic steps to do this in the next section: How to confront a dishonest person who is safe to approach.

Bottom line to know now, though, is that this individual might need some time for the reality of their behavior to sink in and grip their spirit. Still, they eventually will acknowledge the harm they have caused with their dishonesty.

You will notice that contriteness and humility accompany their words. You’ll see true repentance by their willingness to create plans to make legitimate changes and growth (likely with the support of a professional counselor or therapist).

If you expect that a dishonest individual will become argumentative or dangerous when exposed, they are not safe to confront.

A liar entrenched in a pattern of deception might double down when confronted and become an even worse version of themselves. They might pridefully defend themselves, lie, accuse, blame, and twist the situation to make things your fault. They may or may not try to attack you physically, yet they likely will attack your emotional stability, your reputation, your career, and other people you care about.

Some people are not safe enough to confront, so we’re wiser to stay away (see Proverbs 9:7-8). If that’s the case, you’ll need to set firm boundaries around future interactions with the person, including the possibility of not having any relationship with them. (Read more in the section about setting boundaries with unsafe people.)

How to confront a dishonest person who is safe to approach

Ask God for wisdom about possible reasons for the person’s dishonesty. And ask Him to help you work through feelings of discomfort, awkwardness, or anxiety as you prepare to approach the person.

Write down what you want to say so you can stay on track when you meet. Also, decide ahead of time what positive changes you’ll require of the other person, and predetermine consequences or boundaries you’ll put in place if the individual doesn’t follow through. In addition, we urge you to have a solid support system in place that includes trusted friends, your pastor, and a licensed counselor. They can give input about appropriate boundaries and help you follow through with consequences if those boundaries are crossed or ignored.

Ask to meet with the person, and speak the truth in love. Voice your concern about their pattern of lying and about the emotions you experience related to their dishonesty. Share your heart for the person and the harm their behavior has caused. (You could say something like, I got angry when I found out you lied to me, and it hurt. Or, It’s hard for me to trust whether you tell me the truth.)

Without attacking the person, address specific instances of their lying as well as the overarching pattern of deceit. You might also affirm times when the person was truthful and encourage them that change is possible.

Discuss non-negotiable actions you need to see the person take toward truthfulness. This could include requiring them to meet with a professional counselor or join a support group. (Making progress is not about the offender easily saying, “I’ll try harder.” Words without repentance and change are likely just another attempt to deceive.)

Explain your boundaries clearly, honestly, and respectfully. Then, lay out the consequences if desired behavior doesn’t happen. (We’ve listed some examples below.) Be aware, too, that the stakes are higher if the dishonest person is married. In those instances, boundaries might include the spouse initiating a therapeutic separation in order to break through the liar’s denial. We urge your sister-in-law to call our counselors for precise guidance and support.

Examples of practical boundaries — and consequences if broken

Be honest about facts.
Consequence: I will stop trusting your word and verify things independently.

No lying to avoid conflict.
Consequence: I will end the conversation until we can talk honestly.

No lying about money, work, or commitments.
Consequence: I won’t share financial information or rely on you for plans.

No hiding messages, actions, or relationships.
Consequence: I will limit access to my personal life and reconsider the relationship.

No blaming others for your lies.
Consequence: I won’t continue the discussion unless you take full responsibility.

No “small lies” to make things easier.
Consequence: I will treat small lies as serious breaches of trust.

No changing the story after being caught.
Consequence: I will pause contact and only continue if the truth is clear and consistent.

No gaslighting or making me doubt my memory.
Consequence: I will leave the conversation when I think I’m being manipulated.

No promising change without action.
Consequence: I will judge change by consistent behavior, not words. And I will step back if nothing improves.

No lying again after a clear warning.
Consequence: I will end the relationship or significantly limit contact.

Don’t chase, smother, beg, grovel, manipulate, or demand compliance. It’s not your job to make sure the other person understood you, nor is it your job to make sure they do what they said they would do. Instead, your task is to enforce the boundaries you established and follow through on the consequences you laid out. You must let the other person choose whether they’ll take responsibility for what is theirs to control. The person’s positive changes (or lack thereof) will be the definitive answer you need to accept.

Forgiving someone who has been dishonest

Forgiveness is not based on others’ actions but on our attitude. As you consider how to rebuild a healthy relationship with someone who’s lied to you in the past, don’t confuse forgiveness (your act of obedience to God) with restored trust (cautiously watching for evidence of changed behavior in the other person).

Forgiving and rebuilding trust with someone who sincerely apologizes

By God’s grace, believers mature into being trustworthy; becoming an honest person doesn’t happen overnight. In the same way, forgiving someone who has apologized for betraying you does not magically make them trustworthy. And forgiveness does not give the offender automatic rights to your trust.

Someone doesn’t become instantly trustworthy simply because they admit to, repent of, and make plans to change their behavior. Instead, you must work through the betrayal you’ve endured. And you must watch for a consistent pattern of constancy (faithfulness and loyalty) in the offender’s lifestyle and attitude over a lengthy period of time.

The individual can be considered trustworthy when what they truthfully say and what they truthfully do match over an extended period of time. In other words, what they truthfully say one day holds true any following day. And what they truthfully do on any given day consistently matches their actions in coming days. When that happens, you can begin to take wisely chosen steps to trust the person again.

Just remember that the process of rebuilding trust belongs to both the person who has been dishonest and to the person who was betrayed by that dishonesty. On the one hand, as the person betrayed, if you begin to trust too quickly, you may be deceived again. On the other hand, if you don’t trust cautiously when you can safely do so, your hesitancy might reduce the offender’s motivation to be truthful and honest.

What forgiveness looks like when the offender shows no sign of change

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling, and Colossians 3:13 tells us that forgiveness is not optional for Christ-followers. Rather, it’s part of God’s plan for healthy relationships: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians: 4:32).

The dishonest person in your life might blatantly refuse to change, or they might say they’ll start being honest but never follow through. Either way, forgiving them honors God and releases you from bitterness and resentment. As author Jan Stewart writes,

People let [us] down whether through unfulfilled expectations, rights not observed, broken agreements or general apathy. Even if forgiveness is extended, a boundary might be necessary. …

Broken trust may take awhile [sic] to regain, if ever, but forgiveness can be immediate.

To experience God’s plan of forgiveness and have freedom from the pain, I have prayed blessings on those who have hurt me. This releases the other person to God. When I pray for someone, I start to see them from God’s viewpoint. (How to Forgive Others the Way God Forgives Us)

Learn more about what forgiveness is and isn’t by reading the book Forgive for Real: Six Steps to Forgiving.

When to walk away from a dishonest relationship

It’s true that no one is beyond God’s reach, and it’s true that we should live peacefully with everyone as much as it depends on us. So how do you know whether to keep trying to engage a habitual liar toward change or let them go?

The implications for marriage are not straightforward. “Letting someone go” in the form of divorce is not necessarily the right answer. We urge any husband or wife suffering under the strain of a dishonest spouse to talk with a marriage therapist. And as we mentioned previously, a therapeutic separation might be wise.

For other relationships among family and friends, keep in mind these three tells:

You already know that the person is not safe enough to confront.

An initial approach to confronting their behavior doesn’t go the way you hoped.

After being confronted, the person shows no signs of remorse and makes little to no legitimate follow-through to change their pattern of dishonesty.

If the dishonest person in your life will likely blame you and challenge your actions and boundaries if you tell them the hard truth, that reveals all you need to know: They are not a safe person to be in relationship with. It’s OK to disengage people who relish negativity, control, and hatred.

Even Jesus willingly walked away from people who refused to change — and He often let them walk away from Him. Author Gary Thomas explains how Satan tries to keep us from investing our time and energy on reliable people:

Instead of getting us to pour that caring out on these fields that are ready to produce great crops, [Satan] wants us to pour that care straight into the gutter of toxic people who will resent the care, who reject the truth, who won’t be transformed, and [who] will turn on us and make us pay for our good intentions so that we can be so taken up with trying to placate toxic people or recover from toxic people that we’re not investing in reliable people. (Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships)

Choosing to cut ties with someone can be painful

Setting firm boundaries — to the point of walking away from a relationship — can be exceptionally difficult and emotionally painful when the person is a close family member or friend.

Because of that, we encourage you to have a solid support system in place ahead of time that includes trusted friends, your pastor, and a licensed counselor. They can help you biblically lament the loss of the relationship you hoped to have, and they can reinforce your decision to part ways. They can give input about appropriate boundaries such as the following and hold you accountable to enforce them:

Keep emotional distance from the dishonest person.

Don’t automatically believe what they say.

Consider blocking them from your social media contacts.

Don’t engage in conversation with them, and limit the time you spend around them. (Plan how you’ll manage invitations to family gatherings that might lead to unsafe interactions.)

Trust God with the outcome

Wounds from the betrayal of dishonesty can cut deeply and take time to heal. When it comes to difficult family dynamics, one of the wisest choices we can make is to grieve imperfections well. We can admit that our loved ones let us down — just as we must face the truth that we also let people down.

Let yourself mourn the broken relationship. Take time for godly self-care. Move through the steps we’ve talked about here, and give God room to work. Your relationship with the dishonest person might be strained for a while, or it might be completely different going forward. Nevertheless, in any change — including when sin scars earthly relationships — you can take comfort in the truth that God remains your steadfast hope.

Where to find more help

We know that navigating this situation is complicated and sensitive. Our licensed and pastoral counselors would welcome the chance to talk with you (and your sister-in-law) in more detail. Call us for a free consultation at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). The team can also give you referrals to qualified therapists in your area.

In the meantime, dig into the recommended resources listed below.