When RG and Karen Yallaly of Branson, Missouri, first started mentoring other married couples 25 years ago, they were a little worried.
“We were thinking, We want to help them, but how?” Karen explains.
They had narrowly escaped a divorce themselves, a crisis precipitated by a lack of communication and neglect of their marriage. But after going through counseling, the Yallalys learned how to prioritize their relationship and love each other again. Because of their experience, they were passionate to help other struggling couples. Even so, they felt a bit unsure going into their first marriage mentoring experience.
“We were nervous,” Karen says. “But you just allow the Holy Spirit to lead you. And it’s just amazing how He’ll give you things to say.”
If you’re thinking about mentoring other couples, you may wonder what it really takes to follow this calling. Several longtime marriage mentors clear up a few myths about the requirements for mentoring another married couple:
Myth 1: You must be an expert
RG and Karen learned that mentors don’t have to be “experts.” “One thing we learned early on in our Christian walk is that wherever God takes you, He’ll equip you,” says RG, who has been married to Karen for more than 50 years. “You’ll have everything you need to do what He calls you to do.”
Karen agrees, recalling a time when she was mentoring a woman and suddenly Karen offered some advice she hadn’t considered before. She thought, Wow, that was really good, God! I need to write that down! “God is just really good about leading us in talking with our couples,” Karen says.
Roger and Diane Ingolia agree that marriage mentors don’t need to have special expertise beyond knowing biblical principles and leaning on God for wisdom.
They, too, were nervous when they first started mentoring couples 35 years ago. “We were thinking, What do we have to offer to anybody?” Diane recalls. But God reassured them, telling them “to just give away the things that you have.”
“If you’re feeling called, then step out and see the direction that God’s going to take you,” Diane says. “Don’t be fearful, because if it’s from the Lord, He will bless you and give you the wisdom you need.”
Roger reminds would-be mentors of Ezekiel 3:27, which says, “I will open your mouth, and you shall say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD.’ “
“Who’s really doing the talking there?” Roger says. “We’re just the vessel He’s using. Whenever He calls you to something, He’ll empower you to impact your sphere of influence for His namesake.”
Diane shares that there have been times when God “miraculously” showed her the true obstacles in a couple’s marriage. She cites James 1:5. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”
“Sometimes I think I see what the issue is,” she says, but then God makes the true issue “clear as day” in her mind and heart.
Myth 2: You must have a perfect marriage
“Mentoring can be a scary thing because people believe that a mentor has to have a perfect marriage,” says Greg Smalley, Vice President of Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family. “Mentoring is not to be done by someone in a perfect marriage, because a perfect marriage doesn’t exist. It has to be done by two people who are committed to growing in their relationship.”
Instead of trying to share a vision of a “perfect” marriage, mentors often share some of their past marriage struggles and how God helped them through the difficulties. This way, mentors can provide a sense of hope for the couple who can’t see their way forward. Providing this sense of hope is vital, say RG and Karen. “Always speak hope and love into their [the mentees’] lives, because there is always hope in God,” Karen says. “We don’t just want to show love and compassion, but every week, we want to give them hope.”
Smalley says marriage mentors must be willing to be transparent. “Talk about your high points — how God has blessed you — and your dark seasons. They will learn so much from your marriage story, and all you need is a willingness to be authentic.” Mentors can share what God has done to help them in their marriage and tell the other couple that God can do the same for them. Smalley encourages mentors to share their marriage story so they can say, “The God who fought for our marriage is fighting for your marriage, too.”
Diane agrees that being authentic is important. “We all have a story,” she says. “If God has brought this couple into your life, your story is going to match what they need. So, tell your story and allow them to tell you their story.”
Modeling a healthy marriage is important, Smalley says, but a healthy marriage is not a perfect one.
Myth 3: You are responsible for the other couple’s marriage
Smalley stresses that marriage mentors are not responsible for a couple’s well-being and the state of their marriage. The Yallalys and Ingolias agree, saying that mentors can offer couples the wisdom and discernment that God gives, but the couples are responsible for applying what they’ve learned.
“Our job is to teach and train. God’s job is the outcome,” Diane says. “You lay the bread out, but they have to pick it up and eat it.”
The Yallalys say they truly want each mentee couple to experience the joy of a restored marriage. But “God is the only One who can bring them to that point, no matter what,” RG explains. “It’s all Him.”
If a couple doesn’t want to accept suggested advice, mentors must leave the results with God. Karen recalls a wife who kept showing up 45 minutes late for their appointments and wasn’t making any effort to restore her marriage. “I had to just tell her, ‘I don’t think I can continue meeting with you.’ ” They must want the help, RG says. “And they’ve got to do what it takes.”
Most of the couples they’ve worked with do want help, he stresses. In fact, when the Yallalys attend their church, they see numerous couples they’ve worked with throughout the years who had been at the point of divorce but are now thriving in their marriages. “We’ve seen God breathe new life into marriages, and we’ve experienced this with hurting couples time after time,” RG says.
Mentors have a ringside seat to see God’s power on display, he adds. The Yallalys once witnessed God restore a marriage in only six weeks. The husband had left his wife, and he didn’t want to meet with mentors. The husband finally agreed to a meeting but later told RG that he’d only planned to stay for five minutes.
So what happened? The husband told RG: “I saw how much you cared. So I stayed.” Six weeks after the husband moved out of his home, his marriage was back on course and the man returned to his wife. His decision to stay in the mentoring meeting saved that relationship.
“God is amazing!” RG says. “Only God can do that.”
Mentors should not take on the burden of responsibility for another couple’s marriage, just as they shouldn’t accept the glory for “saving” a relationship, these experienced mentors say. “We want God to be honored and glorified,” Diane explains. “We want the couple to succeed and not look at us and say, ‘You guys are amazing,’ but to say, ‘God is amazing.’ ”
Smalley agrees. A marriage mentor’s greatest gift, he says, “is not to ‘fix’ whatever is going on in a marriage, it’s to be present, to show up, to walk alongside another couple.”
