Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
After years together, my wife Erin and I have learned to cope with a marriage crisis by pulling together— and expecting to grow from the experience.
Think about it. Name five crises you and your spouse have already walked through. I’m guessing you’ve already developed some strength, stamina, and wisdom from experience.
So, allow me to present the hallmarks of couples who have learned how to endure, agree on a vision, pull together, and come out stronger.
If you’re in a season where stress has you stumbling, here are nine ways to keep your marriage running strong.
CRISIS + INSIGHT = PERSONAL GROWTH
PERSONAL GROWTH + CONFLICT RESOLUTION = STRONGER MARRIAGE
1. Strong couples expect crises in their marriage.
This is the for better or for worse part.
Did you know, out of unhappily married couples who stayed married, two-thirds reported that their marriages were happy five years later? In fact, the unhappiest marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds.
What does this mean?
Strong couples cope with stress by sticking it out. They also put in the long, painful hours to rebuild trust after a breach.
On a road trip with some college buddies of mine, my friend Geoff confessed to us he’d had an affair years ago. I was floored. After a long talk, I encouraged him to tell his wife, which he eventually and courageously did.
It took a while for his wife to trust him, but Geoff’s confession went a long way toward restoring the marriage. She knew he wanted to come clean, and that helped her let go of bitterness.
Geoff recently told me he and his wife are now closer emotionally and spiritually. She was able to forgive and reconcile. And they now know each other more intimately than ever before.
Trust, like a strong marriage is built daily.
2. Strong couples recognize the real enemy.
In their book Love & War, John and Stasi Eldredge describe the chief enemy of your marriage:
Marriage is hard. It is hard because it is opposed. The devil hates marriage; he hates the beautiful picture of Jesus and his Bride that it represents. He hates love and life and beauty in all its forms. The world hates marriage. It hates unity and faithfulness and monogamy. Our flesh is not our ally here either—it rebels when we put others before ourselves. Our flesh hates dying.
If we don’t see our marriage as a love story set in the midst of war, we fall right into Satan’s second strategy—to get us fighting each other so he can “divide and conquer.”
So, remember this: Your spouse is not your enemy.
“Be sober-minded; be watchful,” writes Peter. “Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him” (1 Peter 5:8-9).
In marriage, we do this with a united front that declares, “We’re in this together. We need God and we need each other—desperately.”
Couples who endure also trust God. They pray– together and separately. They believe God cares about their marriages. They believe He’ll be a refuge when all they can see is darkness (see 1 Peter 5:7, 1 Corinthians 10:13, Psalm 46:1, Romans 8:28).
3. Strong couples keep their hearts open during stress.
There’s a cultural myth that plays out as something like, “I’m not in love with you anymore, so I’m free to leave you.”
Would you believe me if I told you the amount of love is not the issue?
The real issue is keeping your heart open to God so that His flow can flow through you to your spouse.
This may come across as unfeeling, but let me explain.
When religious leaders questioned Jesus about divorce, He did not say, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because … you’re not in love with her … or your needs aren’t being met … or you’ve found someone new.”
He said the reason for divorce was “because your hearts were hard” (Matthew 19:8).
I think of Olive, a woman who discovered her husband Bradley’s illicit messages on the family computer. Truth: Olive didn’t feel very much “in love” with Bradley. She literally had proof he was “in love” with someone else.
But Olive decided not to close her heart and shut out her husband. Instead, she opened her heart to forgiveness. She gave Bradley a second chance to choose their marriage.
She had to make a choice. Would she open her heart or close it tightly? She chose to open it and extend trust that Bradley had chosen their marriage over the other woman who lived 1,500 miles away. She also had to trust him to stay away from phone apps that provided new opportunities for temptation.
Bradley also had to prove he was trustworthy. And that takes time.
Because he was willing to do the work and she was willing to keep an open heart, Olive and Bradley were able to reestablish trust and rebuild the relationship.
In her story, Olive had to learn she couldn’t control love. But she could control the state of her heart. And she trusted God to do the rest.
4. Strong couples replace negative beliefs with trust.
I believe, and statistics show, that most conflict is due to misunderstanding. But strong couples stop making negative assumptions and replace them with curiosity. They give their spouse the benefit of the doubt.
So, ask questions that will keep you from rushing to judgment.
In our marriage, Erin tells me she’s learned to cope with stress by giving me the benefit of the doubt:
Greg once bought a Ms. Pac-Man machine. I hadn’t asked for it. Why would he buy that? I could have assumed he bought it out of selfishness. But when I asked him why he’d bought it, he told me he thought it would remind me of the early days of our relationship and the fun we had when we were young and broke. Sometimes, we “splurged” on a date night by splitting a Diet Coke and dropping a couple of quarters into an arcade game. Those were some of the best dates we’ve ever shared. Once I was able to see his heart, I knew that he was trying to remind me of those special times.
5. Strong couples seek help when marriage stress feels overwhelming.age stress feels overwhelming.
Please don’t do marriage alone.
Seek out counseling, marriage seminars, books, videos, and supportive friends: “A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17).
Strong couples set aside time regularly to talk about how things are going in their relationship, issues that arise, and emotions they’re feeling. If you can’t do this productively, schedule this time with a counselor.
6. Strong couples celebrate wins and share the positives.
Acts 14:27 says, “[The disciples] gathered [at] the church together and reported all that God had done through them and how he had opened the door of faith to the Gentiles.”
There is value in reminding each other of all the good things that have happened in your marriage.
In marriage counseling, we call this capitalization – sharing the wins with each other and receiving a positive response from your spouse.
Researcher Jana Lembke reports in Journal of Family Psychology:
So-called active and constructive capitalization responses (that is, those characterized by attentiveness, encouragement, and enthusiasm) are associated with more intimacy, higher marital satisfaction, and a lower likelihood of breaking up. In fact, capitalization is more strongly associated with relationship well-being and stability than is providing support in the face of negative events.
This finding suggests that how a couple support each other during the good times may be even more important than how they behave during the bad times.
Take time to both reminisce and to celebrate what’s going right—however small.
7. Strong couples cultivate hope through faith.
At some point in your marriage, you will be surrounded by the enemy. But here’s an even greater certainty to cling to: “If we died with [Jesus], we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him … he will remain faithful” (2 Timothy 2:11-13).
Stress doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage. With God’s help, it can be the very thing that deepens your relationship. As you overcome the current crisis, you’ll uncover astounding personal growth—and a stronger marriage you might never have seen coming.
Frequently Asked Questions
Stress in marriage often comes from outside pressures like finances, parenting challenges, health issues, or in-laws. But just as often, stress grows when couples let misunderstandings and negative assumptions go unchecked. The key isn’t avoiding stress—it’s learning how to face it together.
Couples can reduce stress by praying together, keeping their hearts open, and replacing negative assumptions with curiosity. Small daily habits—like sharing wins, seeking help when needed, and creating a shared vision—make a big difference over time.
Feeling distant is a normal part of marriage during stressful seasons. Instead of pulling away, choose to stay engaged. Ask honest questions, practice forgiveness, and remember that your spouse is not the enemy. Turning to God together can draw you closer than before.
If you and your spouse feel stuck, can’t resolve conflict productively, or are carrying deep hurts like infidelity or betrayal, it’s time to seek counseling. A trusted counselor can provide tools, encouragement, and perspective to help you heal and move forward together.
