Nancy and the kids were already in bed. Josh was in his home office, finishing up a major presentation for work. As Josh was about to shut down his computer, the monitor faintly illuminated a nearby picture that captured his attention. Josh picked up the frame, sat back in his chair and began to reflect on its image.
Taken over 10 years earlier, it was a picture of the newly married couple’s customary first dance. Nancy was absolutely stunning in her white, tastefully sequined wedding dress. The veil no longer shrouded her face, but formed a translucent drape over her dark hair that softened its ebony shade. The look in their eyes, along with their unrestrained smiles, evinced their love for one another and the possibilities for their future.
Josh stared into space and fondly remembered those early years. He and Nancy knew they were a “match made in heaven.” They both took their faith seriously and held to the same basic values. During premarital counseling, they had talked about everything from finances to martial expectations. Each session served to deepen their commitment to one another, and confirmed their mutual, authentic love.
Neither he nor Nancy had wavered from their marriage commitment. Since their first dance, their family had grown. They now had three children, ages 8, 5 and 2. Josh’s income provided them a modest lifestyle and allowed Nancy to be the stay-at-home mom she had always envisioned. They both were involved in their church family and residential community. Though there were those typical moments of tension between them, Josh felt generally good about his relationship to Nancy.
Yet, as he held the picture in his hand, Josh couldn’t help but wonder: Does Nancy still feel toward me as she did on our wedding night? Is it possible for our relationship to experience deeper intimacy and increased joy? They had worked out the necessary roles and responsibilities that come with running a household. And, they had responded in generally positive ways to various crises that presented themselves. Yet, Josh still wondered: Can there still be more to this marriage? Is it possible to “dance” once again?
Many couples find themselves in this quandary. For the most part, their marriages are intact, and their lives are fairly well managed. They may not be facing any major relational tension, but the typical rigors and stresses of life’s responsibilities leave them somewhat dull of heart, longing for deeper connection and intimacy.
Such growth in intimacy and connection is possible. Marriages are not predestined to devolve into mere social contracts in which a husband and wife simply fulfill roles and responsibilities while passion and romance become inevitable casualties. A basic understanding of God, and how He created humans, will help develop deeper intimacy in marriage.
When we learn that God, who is love, created humans to exist in intimate relationship with Him and one another, we are in a better position to develop our relationships. By allowing God, the ultimate and infinite source of authentic love, to flow through us, we find ourselves loving each other in divine ways. We begin to experience marriage more as a “sacred dance” than a human contract.
This series will explore the theological basis for this human longing to connect. In so doing, it will consider the real source of authentic love, and some possible ways we can tap into it. Finally, it will flesh out some practical relational implications from these basic principles.
Like Josh and Nancy, most couples begin their marriages with great expectations. In time, however, life’s stresses begin to take their toll on the relationship. Bills must be paid, home repairs demand our time and jobs consume much of our energy. Additionally, as studies show, the arrival of children typically brings greater stress to the marriage, pushing husband and wife further apart. (David Popenoe, The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, 2002)
How do couples remain connected while negotiating real circumstances of life?
The Theology of it All
Human beings have an innate desire to connect, to experience dynamic relationships with one another. And, the deepest, most intimate relationship exists in the marital bond between husband and wife. What is the source of this human longing?
Considering all biblical information, God exists as Father, Son and Holy Spirit. This Trinitarian construct has profound implications both for God and human beings. Rather than a mathematical or mere conceptual depiction, God as Trinity indicates that God, in essence, is relational. There is an internal dynamic that characterizes the God who created. Interestingly, ancient theologians used the word “perichoresis” (lit. “a dancing around”) to describe this dynamic relationality of God.
Because of this inherent relationality, God appropriately is described fundamentally as “love” (1 John 4:7, NIV), since authentic love occurs only in relationship. The triune God created humans to exist in relationship, not isolation, just as God exists in eternal relationship as Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Hence “man” (Heb. adam), who bears the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27), consists of male and female to exist in relationship. In this fundamental way, human beings reflect the image of God – we long to connect in meaningful ways to one another.
The Male-Female Connection
Genesis 2 gives a more detailed description of the creation of human beings. The Creator expressed dissatisfaction with the aloneness of the man. Possibly to expose or solidify the man’s sense of relational need, God paraded representatives of the animal kingdom before him. In the process of naming these animals, the man discovered that none of them completely corresponded to his humanness.
Once the man was aware of his isolation, the Creator caused a deep sleep to fall on him. Taking a “rib,” or perhaps better, “scooping flesh and bones from his side,” God makes (Heb. banah) woman. This unusual word in the creation narrative literally means “to build.” God uses the very substance of the man and “builds” it, forms it and molds it into the woman. The word suggests a delicate process in which God carefully, artfully constructs the woman.
The Longing for Relationship
When the man awakens from his divinely induced slumber, he sees this different, but completely human, being. Literally in the Hebrew, he exclaims: “This is this time” — in contrast to his experience with the animal kingdom — “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, she will be called ‘woman’ for she was taken out of man” (Genesis 2:23). Man (ish) and woman (isshah). Linguistically linked; essentially the same; sexually distinct; made for one another.
The divine commentary on this human connection was: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). This gives a theological basis for the ubiquitous longing for male-female relationship. It’s as if God “split” the singular human into male and female, and there is, therefore, a primal yearning to reconnect physically, spiritually and emotionally.
Some Implications
While these will be fleshed out in subsequent articles, some helpful implications for marital relationships emerge from this biblical description of human creation.
- The well-documented distinctions between women and men are divine in nature. Both women and men share equally in the image of God, but it is reflected in unique ways. Recognizing this helps us appreciate, rather than resist, these differences.
- As bearers of God’s image, both husband and wife mediate into the other an important aspect of God’s nature. In marriage, husband and wife have the opportunity to experience God uniquely through his or her spouse. In its most beautiful sense, connecting to one another facilitates a connection to the Creator.
- The source of authentic love is God, not humans. Rather than attempting “to find love in one’s own heart” for the other, the biblical image is to allow God to pour through the husband his love for the wife, and vice versa. In this way, both husband and wife express and experience God’s infinite love — they begin to experience marriage as a “sacred dance.”
By most standards Nancy and Josh’s marriage was exemplary. Their middle-class status was comfortable. They both loved each other and adored their three children. Josh was involved in the men’s ministry at their church, and Nancy taught the junior high bible class. The kids were generally well-behaved, and everyone respected this family.
Josh and Nancy had no major issues confronting their relationship, but lately an inexplicable tension was building between them. Nancy began to complain that Josh expended so much of his time and energy at work that he had very little left for her and the kids. In his mind, Josh was simply fulfilling his responsibility to his family by providing for them. He was trying to be a good husband and father, but his efforts seemed to be increasingly criticized. And Josh, like Nancy, was becoming progressively more frustrated.
No Barriers
Nancy and Josh’s difficulty is nothing new. In fact, Genesis sheds some light on this relational state of affairs. Prior to the first human couple’s rejection of God’s goodness, they lived in a protected environment, with unlimited resources and an intimate connection between each other and the Creator. There was no power struggle between them, no critical view of the other. In biblical language, they “were naked and not ashamed” (Genesis 2:26).
As husband and wife, they lived in full openness before one another and God as they “walked in the cool of the evening with God.” There were no barriers, no personal agendas, no unrealistic expectations of the other and no attempts to find life from the other. They both expressed to, and received from, each other the authentic love of God peculiarly mediated through them as male and female. They participated in the sacred dance of marriage, living in the full, dynamic life of their mutual Creator.
From Harmony to Dissonance
This beautiful harmony within human relationships and, in fact, the entire creation, eventually devolved into dissonance. Once they pursued life from a source other than God, the man and woman introduced into human relationships conflicts that continue to afflict us all. They first hid themselves from one another with leaves, and then they hid from the Creator among the trees. The deep, spiritual harmony that existed between the man, woman and God was disrupted.
Once banished from the garden, they entered a hostile environment with limited resources. The woman began to depend increasingly on the man for things she previously received freely from God, and the man began the arduous task of providing for his family by the sweat of his brow. The “battle of the sexes” began: “You shall desire him, and he shall rule over you” (Genesis 3:16). Sociologists have long recognized that power struggles occur in relationships primarily due to conflicts over limited resources. Stephen Grunlan, Marriage and the Family, 1999, p. 26
The Genesis text anticipated, and sadly described, this lingering condition.
Addressing Some Sour Notes
Whatever one thinks of the Genesis description of human relationships, it rings true and offers some valuable insights for marriage:
- While interpreters debate the specifics, Genesis indicates the emergence of a power struggle between male and female (Genesis 3:16). Whatever is involved in the “woman’s desire for the man,” and his “rule over her,” we need to acknowledge that power struggles do occur within relationships. Though often subtle, they are real and must be recognized. If allowed to remain unchecked, power struggles can erode relational intimacy.
- We tend to seek life and identity from sources other than God. When this occurs, we place unrealistic demands on our spouse. Since only God can serve as the true source of our lives, any attempt to receive meaning and purpose from our spouse will leave us — and the other — frustrated. Additionally, rather than expressing and receiving God’s love in the relationship, we’ll drain it of all energy.
- As in the Genesis story, couples tend to “cover themselves” from the other. This is the biblical language to describe “the fear of intimacy” as well as “trust issues.” God intends for married couples to experience full and open disclosure of themselves to one another. Though difficult to do, such honesty is the key to deeper intimacy.
Josh’s work ethic impressed Nancy. A trait she very much admired about him was his ability to focus and complete tasks with excellence. While she still admired this aspect of Josh, she began to feel like he really never focused on their relationship. It seemed to her that he approached his time with her and the kids as another task to perform, rather than an experience to enjoy. She longed for deeper connection to him — to feel a part of his life.
Nancy had that social, spontaneous spirit about her that Josh loved. She never met a stranger, and everyone seemed to feel at ease around her. Nancy loved conversation, and Josh felt completely at ease sharing his feelings with her. Through the years, however, Josh began to feel that Nancy wanted more of him than he could give. As he sensed her frustration with him, Josh became increasingly frustrated with Nancy in this regard. Every previous attempt to address this tension left them both feeling more disconnected.
Listening for the Music
All couples, like Josh and Nancy, have certain issues that threaten intimacy. And, often our attempts to address them end up hurting each other, rather than healing the relationship. From the biblical material alluded to in the previous articles, here are some suggestions to help ease relational tension and nurture deeper intimacy:
- God is the source of authentic love. Though in marriage we pledge to love one another through the fluctuations of life, selfishness is our natural tendency. We tend to pull into ourselves and stand in critical judgment of others, especially our spouse. Attempting to find true love — a love that never fails — within our human selves is futile. However, God has called husbands and wives to serve as unique vessels of His love for the other. Once we begin to realize that it is God’s infinite, authentic love poured through us into the other, an amazing shift occurs. As we receive God’s love poured into our hearts, then that love — a love that never fails — overflows into others around us, especially our spouse.
- Embrace differences. The differences between husband and wife are intended by God to bring unique blessings into the other’s life. The first step in reducing tension brought on by our peculiar personality traits, then, is to accept them as a gift from God. By first expressing genuine appreciation for the other’s uniqueness, we can then speak to the issues brought on by them.
- Personality strengths can become weaknesses. When tensions arise within marriage, each spouse tends to blame the other. They point out the shortcomings of the other and rarely consider their own contributions to the problems. However, since we live in a broken world, our own sense of self is equally broken. Our strengths can morph into weaknesses. The ability to focus and complete tasks with excellence, for example, can lead one to become myopic, seeing people as a means to an end rather than as human beings with whom to relate. Likewise, the social ability to interact freely with others, without proper balance, can create a sense of superficiality in relationships, or the seeking of life, meaning and purpose from others — something humans ultimately cannot provide. The first place to start while addressing relational issues is ourself, not the other.
- Commit time to the relationship. We live in a frenetic world. Increased technology, rather than providing more free time, actually encroaches on opportunity to “disengage.” Cellphones, tablets and laptops all lure us away from meaningful time with one another. Additionally, our culture tends to place value on people who are “busy.” Particularly in our technologically saturated and performance-based culture, we must create space for our relationships. Time spent genuinely connecting with our spouse actually pays dividends even at work as it can reduce relational stress. Regularly schedule time for a walk, a meal together or time simply to talk without distractions. Time spent together in meaningful conversation helps bridge gaps in our relationships.
- Enjoy the dance. Reimagine marriage with a relational, rather than an institutional, metaphor. Take the “dance,” for example. Before any dance occurs, tasks must be performed. Lights must be hung, wires must be run, and instruments must be tuned. These tasks, roles and responsibilities are not an end in themselves; they serve a larger purpose. The reason behind these crucial tasks is to enjoy the dance. All roles and responsibilities in marriage are essential. But, they are not the end in themselves. Their purpose is to facilitate an intimate connection between husband and wife, to enjoy the sacred dance of marriage.
