Estimated reading time: 9 minutes
Sex is a lot like LEGOs. OK, cut me some slack. As a mom of three boys, I think it’s a good analogy. Consider this: The first time a child sees a box of LEGOs, he might be naïve enough to think that the box actually contains a toy like the cool picture on the front. Imagine his disappointment when he opens the box to find hundreds of seemingly random pieces of plastic instead of the Batmobile that was shown on the box cover.
The genius and fun of LEGOs is creativity. First, a child follows the directions to build the design on the box. But then, who can resist the desire to tear the blocks apart and build something new?
Back to the issue of sex. Culture may have given you a picture on a box—one of bliss, exquisite pleasure, and oneness. Perhaps you have been surprised, even disappointed, to find that sex isn’t the ready-made gift you were anticipating. It takes a lot of effort—and a bit of creativity—to make it work.
Better Sex Requires Effort and Creativity
Most marriages experience some obstacle to physical intimacy: differences in desire, medical issues, recovery from sexual abuse, involvement with porn, a poor body image, to name a few. I’m sure you’ve had occasions, as I have, when you ask God: “Wasn’t this supposed to be a gift? With all due respect, God, I think the gift is broken.”
The Lord asks you and me to view sex as a gift of creating. Just like that LEGO set, the joy is found in building. Regardless of the frustration you and your spouse may face in physical intimacy, the Lord invites you to build something far more precious than a few moments of physical pleasure. Unselfishness, grace, forgiveness, unconditional acceptance … each can be developed while seeking the Lord through the challenges you face in the bedroom.
Of all the toys we have purchased for our boys over the years, only the LEGOs have avoided our garage sales. In fact, our boys seem to have grown fonder of their LEGO sets with each new creation they put together.
The gift of intimacy may require some effort, but it is designed to last and grow more deeply satisfying as the years go by.
Developing a Healthy Sexual Relationship
Like most newlyweds, Josh and Lauren had anticipated the unity and ecstasy of married sexuality. Even though their honeymoon wasn’t perfect, they still hoped that they would “click” and discover the ultimate beauty of sexual oneness. After two years of frustration, their optimism began to wane.
Sexual issues topped the list of their arguments. He complained that she was never interested. She responded by pointing out his obvious lack of romantic overtures. How could something designed to create unity have become so divisive in their young marriage?
Marital intimacy is fraught with hindrances such as poor communication, unmet expectations, and resentment, primarily stemming from the vast differences between male and female sexuality. Perhaps you and your spouse have found yourselves frustrated in the bedroom, in which case it’s probably time for some continuing education.
Become a student of your spouse. It took me 10 years of school to become a psychologist. Throughout that time, I was exposed to a fair amount of information on human sexuality. Needless to say, I felt more equipped than the average wife to understand a husband’s needs. Boy, did I overestimate my sex education!
Regardless of your background, you have a lot to learn about your spouse’s sexuality. In fact, much of what you assume may actually be wrong. If you want a deeply satisfying sex life, you must go back to being a student. In the following series, we’ll look at how God made men and women different sexually, and how creating genuine intimacy requires vulnerability, effort, and creativity.
5 Ways to Have Better Sex
If I told you that your sex life could get better with time, would you believe me?
We’re often fed the lie that sex only diminishes with age and that, eventually, we won’t even be interested in sex. We’re told to enjoy sex while we’re in our prime because the end of sexual desire is a given, and we’re powerless over the outcome. But in my work with thousands of couples as a licensed professional counselor, I’ve seen that we have more power to influence our sex lives than we realize.
1. Appreciate the Gift of Sex
Sex is a gift from our masterful Creator. In fact, an entire book of the Bible (Song of Solomon) is dedicated to the beautiful exchange of sexual intimacy between a husband and wife. But when we put that gift on the back burner of life, as many married couples often end up doing, we miss out on the process of becoming better people just as much as we miss out on the process of becoming better lovers. That’s because I believe the two can go hand in hand.
When we have sex with our spouse, we’re given the opportunity to give and receive in the most vulnerable ways. We’re invited to love, serve, and be sensitive to and aware of our spouse’s needs. We can learn so many life lessons from the process of becoming better lovers.
And while those lessons don’t have an age limit, they do require some intentionality. A better sex life isn’t something that just happens along the way; it’s something you have to create. And know that a healthy sex life isn’t about having more sex. It’s about having better sex. Here are four ways to improve your sex life, no matter what age or stage you’re in.
2. Put Effort into Your Relationship
The health of your relationship is the fuel that keeps your sex life burning brightly. When it comes to having better sex, what happens above the sheets in marriage is just as significant as what happens under the sheets.
Many times, your relationship problems get in the way of good sex. Do you have a conflict you haven’t resolved or a disappointment you haven’t expressed? Maybe you’re simply lacking emotional and spiritual connection with each other.
Because the fuel for your sex life comes from the effort you put into your relationship, use the status of your sex life as a relationship litmus test. Do you need to do some relational work? No amount of sexual strategy or technique can improve your sex life if the problem stems from something deeper. Take inventory of the health of your marriage, and then get to work!
3. Guide Your Thoughts
Did you know that your brain is one of your most powerful sexual organs? That’s because so much of what happens in the bedroom is rooted in the thoughts you have throughout the day.
There are two ways your thoughts can destroy your sex life. First, you can fill your mind with unhealthy thoughts: Lust, fantasy, and pornography habits are toxic ways to erode your desire for your spouse. Second, you can fill your mind with critical thoughts. Contempt, bitterness, and negativity toward your spouse can simmer in your mind, eroding your desire.
There’s power in guiding your thoughts, eliminating toxic thinking, and replacing critical thoughts with thoughts of love, appreciation, gratitude, and respect for your spouse. Gratitude has a purpose in marriage. When your mind is reserved for honoring your spouse, you’ll have better sex.
4. Increase Your Awareness
If a good sex life was as easy as putting part A into part B, I’d be out of a job as a relationship therapist. The problem is, it’s not that simple. It saddens me to know how many couples are struggling with a status quo sex life because they’ve never put effort into learning more about sex.
There are a host of sexual obstacles that can arise in different seasons of marriage—from mismatched sexual drives (a low-drive spouse and a high-drive spouse) to pain and discomfort during sex (vaginismus) to negative outside influences (such as pornography or addictions), to the stress of life snuffing out the flame of sexual desire. But instead of being surprised by the obstacles that come our way, we can be prepared for them.
In fact, I co-authored a book with Gary Thomas called Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Married Sex because I wanted to help couples overcome those obstacles. We wanted to provide a resource to help couples prepare for, navigate, and succeed in creating the best sex life imaginable.
It’s important to increase your knowledge so you can better understand technique, anatomy, and the sexual process. You can learn more about what excites your spouse and how to take ownership of your own sexual pleasure. God gave you a gift when He created sexual enjoyment, and you honor Him when you enjoy marital sex to the best of your ability.
5. Take Ownership of Your Communication
Sometimes, the biggest obstacle to better sex is our inability to communicate and have a conversation about the topic. Many of us come from backgrounds where sex wasn’t talked about much or was seen through a negative lens. So, most couples go into marriage not knowing how to communicate about sex.
My husband and I had been married almost five years before we became comfortable with talking about our sex life. When we see sex as the great gift God made it to be, we understand why it’s important to communicate about it.
Take ownership of your communication by setting aside time to intentionally talk about your sex life. Share with each other what you love and what you’d like to change. Take turns talking about what you enjoy and what you don’t. Learning to communicate about this important part of your marriage is an irreplaceable step to having better sex.
Start Today to Have Better Sex
Sex can get better with time. You can become more comfortable in your own skin and confident in your ability to pleasure your spouse. You can enjoy sex more if you put effort into your relationship, guide your thought life, increase your awareness, and communicate about sex—and you can start today by taking one step in the right direction.
God created sex as a pleasing gift to be enjoyed within the safety and security of a healthy marriage. So what can you do in this season of life to enjoy this gift to the fullest?
Adapted from Married Sex by Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta.