Giving the Blessing to Your Spouse

By John Trent
By Gary Smalley
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The five elements of the blessing are not just limited to the parent/child relationship. Let's look at how the blessing can and should be given to a spouse.

The elements of the blessing are not just limited to the parent/child relationship. We feel strongly that they can be found at the heart of any healthy relationship.

We’ve discovered just how valuable applying the five elements of the blessing can be to important relationships besides those with our children. Let’s look at how the blessing can and should be given to a spouse and the relationship gains that can happen as a result.

Be a Source of Blessing

Laura was fed up with her husband and with all the upheaval in their lives. He often traveled out of town, and when he was home, he drank and made life miserable for her.

In her frustration, Laura came within an eyelash of throwing in the towel and filing for divorce, but her good friend Gayle talked her into going to see her pastor who she felt might be able to help. Even though Laura was reluctant at first, she was at the end of her rope. She made an appointment and went to see him.

For nearly 40 minutes this wise pastor simply listened to her story. After Laura had shared her nonstop description of every one of her husband’s faults, she finally sat back with a loud “Humph.” Smugly she waited to hear an “Amen” from the pastor, or at least a hearty confirmation that hers was the worst husband he had ever heard about.

At first the pastor didn’t say a word. Deeply engrossed in thought, he literally waited several minutes before he spoke. Finally he sat up, looked her in the eye and said gently, “Laura, have you ever forgiven your husband for all his many faults?”

You could have heard a pin drop. Laura had not expected to receive this kind of advice. (“No wonder his counseling is free,” she thought.) Of course she had not forgiven her husband! He had never asked her to, and she wasn’t about to bring it up. He had caused her to suffer, and she wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easily.

“Laura, would you think about what I’ve said today, and would you promise to come back and see me next week?”

As she grabbed her purse and headed for the door, she heard herself mutter something like, “That would be fine, Pastor”; but she never thought she would be seeing him again. Yet something happened that week that began to change Laura’s perspective on her marriage. Something drew her back to this man’s office the next week.

In spite of telling herself repeatedly that she should simply forget what the pastor had said, Laura did get a great deal of thinking during the week. While it didn’t all make sense, it began to dawn on her that it wasn’t her husband who was on the hook – she was! He didn’t lose any sleep about his behavior; she was the one getting the ulcers.

Laura was still confused and had a great many questions for the pastor the next time they met. However, God had already begun to do some miraculous things in Laura’s life. That afternoon, in the quietness of the pastor’s study, she surrendered her life to Christ. She also decided to give up her need for revenge, to forgive her husband for all he had done, and to learn to love him unconditionally.

Laura’s husband was a truck driver, and almost a week went by before he returned home. When he came into the house, he could have sworn he was at the wrong address. He couldn’t believe how peaceful things were. Just a week ago everything he did made his wife mad; now she was going out of her way to do things for him. When this rowdy truck driver found out Laura’s change of heart had something to do with religion, he tossed her behavior aside as though it were another diet his wife had discovered. While it made things a lot nicer in the short run, soon her willpower would fade and they would be back at each other’s throats.

After five months, Laura’s husband made an appointment to see the same pastor she had seen.

“You’ve got to tell me about what happened to Laura,” the truck driver said. “She’s changed so much. It’s made me realize what a rotten husband I’ve been these past years. Pastor, I have a drinking problem, and I need help with it.”

What made all the difference for this couple was that Laura, in spite of the fact her husband didn’t “deserve” it, decided to give him the blessing. For years she had made just the opposite decision. She had devalued him and even cursed him to his face. She hated his occupation that took him out of town and filled his clothes with the smell of diesel fuel.

When Laura’s life was changed by the Source of blessing himself, she was able, out of the overflow of her life, to attach high value to her husband and bless him. Instead of riding him about getting another job, she found ways to build him up and encourage him. Where once she had gone days without speaking to him when she was angry, now she told him her feelings, but without anger and hate. Meaningful touching even began to come back into their relationship, something that Laura had withheld from her husband when her spirit was unforgiving and bitter.

Granted, this is a dramatic example of what can happen when one spouse decided to be a source of blessing to the other. Their problems were of the major league variety, and they needed to make a great deal of changes. However, in everyday households all across the country, with everyday problems and tensions, providing the elements of the blessing to a spouse can revive, encourage and rejuvenate a marriage.

Let’s look briefly at the elements of the blessing and see just how important each is to a healthy marriage. In fact, show us a couple that is growing together and we’ll show you two people practicing these principles of blessing.

Continue reading.

Excerpted from The Gift of The Blessing, published by Thomas Nelson Inc. Copyright © 2004 by John Trent and Gary Smalley. All Scripture quotations are from The New King James Version. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Learn How to Cherish your Spouse and Have a Deeper Connection

Do you cherish your spouse? Couples who cherish each other understand that God created everyone different, and as a result they treasure the unique characteristics in their spouse. We want to help you do just that. Start the free five-part video course called, “Cherish Your Spouse”, and gain a deeper level of connection with your spouse.

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About the Author

Gary Smalley

Gary Smalley (deceased) was a best-selling, award-winning author, a popular public speaker and a renowned family relationship expert. He was the founder and president of the Smalley Institute, which provides practical relationship help through conferences, resources and counseling. Gary passed away on March 6, 2016, at age 75. He is survived by his wife, Norma, their three children and several grandchildren. …

Dr. John Trent
John Trent

Dr. John Trent is the president of Strong Families, an organization committed to strengthening family relationships. He is also a conference speaker and an award-winning, best-selling author whose recent books include Breaking the Cycle of Divorce, Heartshift and Leading from Your Strengths. Dr. Trent holds a Master of Theology degree from Dallas Theological Seminary, and a Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Counseling from …

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