Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
(This article is interesting to me because for one I hate the word “calling” it feels a bit like Christian cringe and I am not sure what to do with that. It also feels like the husband and wife are not one flesh. Sometimes the way she talks it feels like 2 people wanting to do there own thing rather than being unified in the marriage together. While I think all the above she does make some good points. Some of which I have written about in italics. I also think the last section was good.)
You may be wondering, “How does my calling fit with my spouse’s calling within our marriage?” There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but remembering that God is in control, approaching each other with humility, and knowing you’re in this together can guide you toward clarity.
My Journey
As of this year, I’ve been married to a pastor for eight years. When we got married at 25, Tanner had just started as a college and young adult pastor, while I was disillusioned with my career path and exploring grad school options. Though we both had degrees in religious studies, but ministry was never my plan—Tanner, however, had been preparing for it for years.
He was known for his kindness and dedication, spending late nights in the library studying Greek manuscripts. While he pursued his M.Div., I explored everything from social work to theology to overseas missions. But honestly, I never really considered looking at church ministry jobs. When we married, I found myself in the role of “pastor’s wife,” with all its unspoken expectations—showing up, cooking, hosting, and speaking—often not necessarily because I was gifted in those areas, but simply because of who I married. (This feels a bit degrading. Once your married if your husband is called to ministry, so are you. You are one flesh.)
At the same time, through various opportunities and circumstances, the Lord graciously provided vocational direction in my life in the years since. Tanner didn’t know I would be a Christian author and content creator when he married me. The dynamics of this work sometimes seem to take me away from the typical “pastor’s wife” responsibilities. It has placed additional demands on his time and energy as he steps in to care for our children when I have a new opportunity. It’s been a journey of learning to navigate identity, calling, and unexpected roles.
You might be asking these questions about calling
You don’t have to be married to a pastor to find yourself confused by how your calling fits into your marriage. Many of us may find ourselves asking the following questions:
- I felt called to a specific vocation before I got married. Does my call to be a wife, or husband, change that?
- My spouse doesn’t feel a calling to the same thing that I do. What now?
- Do I have to put my own calling on hold and prioritize my spouse’s calling now that I am married?
- I am feeling called to something new. How do I navigate this new calling and make sure my marriage stays healthy?
These questions speak to the same challenge: two people with different callings have chosen to be united before God.
A one-size-fits-all answer to these questions don’t exist. Every marriage and every calling is different. As Genesis 2:24 puts it, leaving and cleaving is often easier said than done. But we can look to a few key principles to guide our thinking as a couple.
God knew what He was doing
God isn’t surprised by the calling you are feeling over your life and He’s not surprised by your spouse’s either. When it feels like your calling conflicts with your spouse’s, we can trust that God has already written a beautiful story. (This feels true but shallow.)
The challenge is simply to figure out what that looks like.
God called my husband into vocational church ministry, and He has called me into the arena of social media and publishing. Our busy schedule sometimes makes us feel like our callings are at odds. (Maybe they are)
When we communicate with one another about our pain points and open up about what God is doing in each of our lives, we’ve found plenty of opportunities to support one another.
I help him with his ministry’s social media accounts. Sometimes I offer to help with an event, and he offers to provide some writing for my work. Like it says in Luke 12:7, God knows every hair on my head – every longing, skill, passion, and interest – He knows everything about my husband, too. When we bound our lives together at the altar, He had already begun the work of weaving our hearts together for His good plans. When we approach the conversation with this in mind, we start to see creative opportunities to enter into our individual callings alongside one another.
What if our callings feel at odds?
Especially in situations where one spouse has a stronger sense of calling than the other, someone in the marriage may find themselves feeling like their goals and talents don’t hold equal significance. If we’re not careful, these feelings easily breed resentment and distance. For this reason and many others, open communication and open minds are essential when it comes to navigating calling within marriage.
Philippians 2:5 offers a key reminder of how we should approach these conversations: “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.” Christ chose to have humility and lay down His own life for others.
That might mean that for a short season, one spouse’s calling does take priority. Perhaps the wife feels called to medical school so she can serve a population in need. During that time, the husband may need to turn down certain opportunities in order to pick up some household responsibilities and, in turn, make it possible for his wife to be obedient to that calling. (I really like the paragraph above this but not the application in this paragraph. The reason for that is because to me this imaginary couple should be working towards a goal but in this paragraph they seem at odds. I just find that strange.)
One spouse’s calling does not automatically supercede the other’s. Both have been given by God for His glory and for their good. Humility will enable us to keep open hearts and minds toward the new adventures He may send our way. And that is when we find our marriages accomplishing more than we ever thought possible.
How do we stay on mission together?
God wants you and your spouse on mission together, and the calling you feel on your life fits into that plan. As you enter into these important conversations about calling and marriage, here are a few practical tips to consider:
- Make sure you’re discerning calling correctly. Discernment requires regular prayer, consistent engagement with Scripture, and time in community with other committed believers.
- Seek out a mentor couple. Thankfully, you’re not the first couple to navigate questions about calling together. Look for a couple in your church whom you admire and invite them over! They likely have some wisdom to offer.
- Commit to the long game. Calling is a lifelong journey. Thankfully, so is marriage. Don’t expect to figure it out overnight, and don’t expect the challenges to disappear after one conversation. In five years, you may be amazed to see how God has led you into purpose together. But until then, trust that He is at work in your marriage. Resist the urge to be bitter and frustrated by having the same conversation over and over again.
Above all, remember that God is with you in your marriage as you figure these challenges out.
