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Marriages don’t fall apart over night it happens little by little. Busyness in marriage can quietly pull you away from God’s vision for your relationship. You can prevent the drift by pursuing weekly check ins, intentional questions, prayer, planning, building in margin, small acts of thoughtfulness, and trust in Christ.
Busyness destroys marriages little by little
We’ve all been caught up in the stream of diapers, deadlines, dishes, and distractions that pulls us away from intimacy and connection in our marriages. If left unchecked, the current of busyness will quietly float us so far downstream that we don’t even recognize where we are.
Marriages don’t typically fall apart overnight. Most marriages gradually degrade little by little over time. Usually, it’s not because we stop loving each other or because we make an intentional decision to give up, but because the pressures of day-to-day life demand all our energy. At the end of a long day, we find ourselves too exhausted to fight for each other.
The good news is we don’t have to fall victim to the drift. By intentionally implementing a handful of daily rhythms in our marriage, we can fight against busyness and move toward the kind of marriage that God has designed for us. Here are seven practical tips to keep you anchored.
1. How can weekly check-ins fight busyness in marriage?
Busyness in marriage takes a weekly check-in. Set aside time to talk through the plans and the to-dos. With to-do lists a mile long and complex weekly schedules, you and your spouse can easily become two ships passing in the night. Even worse, your differing schedules may even make you feel like you’re fighting one another for time. The pressure and anxiety of fast-paced lives makes us short with one another and more prone to argue. To counteract this, review your upcoming week together, identify potential conflicts before they happen and find ways to support one another in advance.
Use your weekly check-in rhythm to:
- Discuss upcoming plans and events on your respective calendars
- Identify any major household tasks that need attention
- Consider needs in your community that you might be able to serve together
- Proactively map out any fun plans you want to make for your family
My husband and I like to meet on Sunday nights as a way of getting ahead of the week, keeping surprises to a minimum, and making sure we’re one the same team. We use this time to consolidate our individual calendars into one family calendar that hangs on the fridge. It’s also a great time to decide on what plans we want to make proactively together. I cannot emphasize how much this weekly check-in has helped us manage our home and stay connected as a couple.
2. Go deeper than the details
Don’t settle for shallow. The weekly check-in is about more than just logistics. When you’re exhausted and stressed, you probably will feel like covering the main points and wrapping up the meeting in fifteen minutes or less. That is when you need to remind yourself that most important things in life don’t often feel the most urgent in the moment. Check-ins are just a tiny fraction of your week and they give you the chance to reacquaint yourself with the best part of marriage: knowing that you don’t have to handle life on your own.
In each weekly check-in take a few minutes to ask each other some intentional questions, such as:
- “How are you feeling going into this week?”
- “What’s been weighing on you lately?”
- “How can I show up for you better right now?”
- “Is there anything I’ve done or said that hurt you this week?”
- “How can I pray for you this week?”
Begin your weekly check-in by discussing the facts of your upcoming week, and allow that to propel you into a conversation about how you are both doing spiritually and emotionally. By touching base on this level at least once a week, we can avoid becoming roommates or antagonists.
3. Why Prayer Matters When Facing Busyness in Marriage
While we do pray together to conclude our weekly check-ins, we make a point to pray together daily. It usually doesn’t feel like a transcendent spiritual experience. More often than not, it feels simple and unspectacular. But it is consistent, and consistency is powerful. Praying together every day keeps us focused on the deeper reality that grounds our marriage and gives us greater target to aim toward: the spiritual flourishing of our household.
4. Let your calendar serve you
If you’re anything like me, you might feel as though you live at the mercy of your calendar. If I fail to immediately add new plans to my Google Calendar, there’s an high chance I will never think about it ever again. Even if you’re amazing at managing your calendar, it’s far too easy for our schedules to be filled by events and commitments that have little to do with our big-picture priorities as a couple.
Modern American culture often feels like a rat race. We always feel like we might fall behind. And even scarier that our kids might fall behind. But God never asks us to say yes to everything. In fact, God calls us to use our resources, including our time, wisely. Ephesians 5:15-17 puts it this way:
“So then, be careful how you walk, not as unwise people but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.”
Our calendar should reflect your values as a follower of Christ, not just your obligations.
When it comes to your marriage, we have to keep this truth front-of-mind. Your calendar should serve your marriage, not rule it.
Start with planning a monthly or weekly date night and getting it on the calendar. Plan it far enough out so you can get ahead of dance recitals and meeting requests. Then stick to it. Let your calendar be the bad guy when you have to say no to something else that comes along later.
5. Build in margin before busyness breaks you down
Another simple step to save you from being constantly busy: build your schedule with margin in mind. Margin works like shocks on a car. It keeps you from breaking down when you hit some bumps in the road. If you spend days in a row running from one commitment to the next, late to one meeting after another, wondering “when is this all going to slow down?” You may be able to white knuckle survival for a while, doing your best to care for the kids and keep the peace at home. But if something goes wrong then your at risk of really losing it.
When your life is packed to the edges, those small disruptions can unleash all-out chaos. But when you intentionally build in margin to rest, connect, and relax, you build a safeguard around your marriage.
How do you practically build in protective margin for your marriage? Here are a few ideas:
- Keep one night a week unplanned and permanently reserved as a date night or a family night
- Plan ahead for a busy week. If you see a busier week coming down the line, plan a lighter week of social commitments the week before to prepare or the week after to recover together
- On those inevitably busy days, schedule some buffer time between commitments for connecting with your spouse. A 20-minute call to your spouse between meetings can go a long way to keep your relationship strong in a busy season.
6. Small acts of kindness go a long way
Even though grand loving gestures and extended couple’s getaways are great, the truth is most of us won’t be able to build those into the schedule weekly or even monthly. Sometimes the most meaningful ways to show love are found in small acts of thoughtfulness on a regular Tuesday. Instead of lamenting our lack of time to spend together, simply work to incorporate small, romantic “interruptions” into your regular rhythms of life.
Some ideas to try:
- Write some little love notes to your spouse and leave them somewhere he won’t expect but will definitely stumbleupon. Somewhere like in a medicine cabinet or in the dashboard of the car.
- Schedule an encouraging text to go out right before she goes into that meeting she’s been so stressed about.
- If there’s a chore your spouse usually handles, do it for them before they even realize you’re doing it. They’ll know you went out of your way to care for them when they find the dishwasher already emptied or the trash already taken out!
7. Letting God’s Vision Overcome Busyness in Marriage
“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” That’s what Proverbs 29:18 tells us. As Christ followers, we must pay attention to the way our perspective often drifts toward things that don’t really matter. When our world tells us that fast-paced living is how we get ahead, we should commit that much more deeply to slowing down. We trust that God has bigger plans for our marriages than will never come from merely “going with the flow.” So don’t drift; the intentional life He designed you for.
