Love-Speak

By Greg Smalley
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Focus on the Family’s marriage experts have found that genuinely thriving couples typically excel in twelve key areas of marital life.  One of those areas is mutual nourishing.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

— Leo Buscaglia

Focus on the Family’s marriage experts have found that genuinely thriving couples typically excel in twelve key areas of marital life.  One of those areas is mutual nourishing.

Cherishing and nourishing are closely interrelated.  To cherish is to love, esteem, and treasure someone in your heart.  To nourish is to communicate that love in ways the other person finds meaningful.  Nourishing is all about edifying or building up.  It’s a question of helping your spouse achieve his or her God-given potential.  The key is to encode the message in a language he or she can understand.

Marriage counselor Gary Chapman says that every individual has a primary “love language.”  We have to learn to speak that language if we want that person to feel loved.  You can talk all you want, but until you master the correct expression there’s a good chance your spouse won’t even hear your professions of undying devotion.  According to Dr. Chapman, there are five basic love languages:

1)      Words of Affirmation.  Some people thrive on being verbally recognized and acknowledged.  If your spouse falls into this category, realize that he or she craves your words of spoken praise and appreciation.   

2)      Acts of Service.  The old saying “Actions speak louder than words” is especially true for certain individuals, and particularly in the realm of marital love.  If that’s your mate, you’ll be amazed at what an impression you can make simply by taking out the trash.    

3)      Receiving Gifts.  There are other folks who attach a great deal of significance to receiving gifts.  It doesn’t have to be an expensive or elaborate gift.  Just the thought is enough to make this type of person feel deeply loved and cherished.      

4)      Quality Time.  Still other husbands and wives value the gift of time more than anything else.  The “quality” of time is particularly important.  Give this person your undivided attention if you really want them to know how much you care.        

5)      Physical Touch.  Finally, skin on skin contact is highly important to some individuals.  If physical affection is your spouse’s primary love language, nothing will communicate your love more clearly than a simple touch or kiss.

Do you want to help your spouse grow and flourish?  Then learn their love language and start to use it.  You’ll be surprised what a difference it will make!

© 2015 Focus on the Family.

Learn How to Cherish your Spouse and Have a Deeper Connection

Do you cherish your spouse? Couples who cherish each other understand that God created everyone different, and as a result they treasure the unique characteristics in their spouse. We want to help you do just that. Start the free five-part video course called, “Cherish Your Spouse”, and gain a deeper level of connection with your spouse.

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About the Author

dr greg smalley vp of marriage
Greg Smalley

Dr. Greg Smalley serves as the vice president of Marriage at Focus on the Family. In this role, he develops and oversees initiatives that prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen and nurture existing marriages and help couples in marital crises. Prior to joining Focus, Smalley worked for the Center for Relationship Enrichment at John Brown University and as president of the …

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