What Is ‘Quiet Divorce’ (and How to Avoid One)

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

What Is Quiet Divorce and Why It Matters

The title is new. The problem? Not so much.

Relationship experts have borrowed the COVID-19 phrase, “quiet quitting,” and applied it to an issue all couples face in marriage. Here’s the reality: If we don’t pay attention to our spouses and do the necessary work to keep our relationships strong, we will drift apart.

That’s how it happens–we quietly quit and drift into what’s known as a “quiet divorce.”

One spouse struggles with issues in the marriage—sometimes for years—while the other fails to respond. Rather than going through the hassle of divorce, the first spouse gives up and checks out. Sure, the couple is still married, but the relationship becomes transactional: I’m here. You’re here. We share a house and some finances. But you do your thing, and I’ll do mine.

It’s a real problem—even for Christian couples. I know. Erin and I almost experienced it.

How does a quiet divorce start?

In our book Reconnected, I talk about the time I finished my very first book, The Marriage You’ve Always Dreamed Of. I had poured all my time and attention into creating it. But I’d neglected Erin and the kids while writing it. Erin came up to me one evening with tears in her eyes and said, “I love you. And we’ll always be married, but lately I feel like we’re nothing but married roommates.”

Ouch!

The marriage we’dalways dreamed of?

Hardly.

I was doing good things—helping other couples build strong marriages—but I’d let our marriage drift.

I suspect that’s how it happens for most couples who wind up in a quiet divorce. They start out with big dreams and good intentions. Then life happens. Things get busy. They get distracted. Then one day they realize–they hardly know each other.

Erin’s message was the wake-up call I desperately needed. I had to pay at least as much attention to helping our marriage as I was to helping others.

Marriage counseling tips that can help prevent quiet divorce

Focus on the Family and IPSOS Research asked couples about the health of their marriage. While 74% of couples (Christian and non-Christian) said their marriage is OK, the other 26% admit they’re struggling. The percentage lines up with several other national surveys and with what Erin and I hear when we speak at churches.

While we don’t know how many struggling couples are in a quiet divorce, we’ve counseled enough couples to know that every relationship experiences a “drift.”

If you’ve ever sailed, kayaked, or canoed, you know to secure your boat so that it doesn’t drift away with the currents. But there are times when the wind kicks up or the tide comes in, and your boat starts to float away. If you’re paying attention, you’ll catch it before it drifts into dangerous waters.

It’s the same with a marriage. Just as no one intends to lose their sailboat, spouses never intend to drift apart. No one gets married with the intention of ignoring their spouse, or expecting to lose everything in a divorce.

And yet, it happens.

Gentle neglect can lead to a quiet divorce

Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman once spent six years studying couples to learn why some stayed close while others divorced. He discovered one simple but effective predictor of success: Every spouse made “bids for connection”—a touch, a sigh, a conversation, something to get the other’s attention. The successful couples responded by turning toward each other to acknowledge the bid.

It’s that easy—and that hard.

Culture makes it easy to keep our heads down and our eyes fixed on our phones. Social media is designed to be addictive. The endless scroll of news articles keeps you informed about the world but unaware of what’s happening around you.

There’s always one more kids’ activity. One more work project. One more season to binge-watch.

You feel you’ve only been distracted for a second, but then you look up to see years have passed. The person to whom you said, “I do,” has turned into a total stranger.

What happened?

The wind kicked up. The tide came in. You weren’t paying attention. And your relationship has drifted away.

 Why Your Marriage Is Worth the Effort

Pop psychologists and commentators suggest you have two choices: Put up with it or leave.

May we suggest a third option?

Build some new habits that will restore the relationship.

These simple, yet powerful, marriage counseling tips you can start today:

1. Respond to bids for connection. Look up. Smile. Reply. Respond in a positive way that shows you’re paying attention.
2. Make a “love list.” We often tell couples to make a short list of responses to this question: “I feel loved when you…” Keep it up to date and check in often. Make the effort to do at least one of the things on your spouse’s list.
3. Build connection rituals. Take advantage of everyday moments: say a prayer for your spouse before they leave for work. Greet each other when you come home in the evenings. Ask your spouse about their day—the high points and low points. Kiss for six seconds. Hug each other. Use these everyday opportunities to connect and grow closer together.

These simple, yet effective habits will get you started in a new direction. They will help you reconnect with your spouse and prevent a quiet divorce by anchoring your marriage with intentional habits.

It took time to get where you are today. A quiet divorce doesn’t happen overnight. Neither does a quiet restoration. But restoration is possible. It starts one step at a time. One bid at a time. One conversation at a time.

It’s a trite-sounding phrase, but it is true: Anything worthwhile takes time and effort—including applying marriage counseling tips consistently.

Your marriage is worthwhile. Your spouse is worthwhile. You are worthwhile.

Make the effort. The winds of life are blowing. The tide is going out. It’s time to check on the boat.

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