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Just a few years ago, my wife, Melanie, and I had one of the most enjoyable wedding anniversaries ever. We didn’t take an extravagant trip or stay in a fancy hotel. We just spent the day together doing routine things, such as running errands and stopping by work for a few minutes. But it was special because we were together, and we had a wonderful opportunity to connect through communication in our marriage.
We ate a late lunch at a fast-food restaurant. The place was almost empty, so we struck up a conversation with the workers there. We told them it was our anniversary and how long we’d been married. That started a conversation about how we stayed married for almost 40 years. We talked and laughed with those young people for several minutes. It wasn’t a major event, but we tried to plant a seed by saying some good things about marriage and just enjoying each other’s companionship. The interaction that day was a good reminder that, ultimately, marriage is bigger than just two people.
Communication in marriage as a witness to others
Melanie and I had a memorable discussion just a day or so after we were married. We were on our honeymoon, sitting in a hamburger joint, chatting about our goals and dreams. One thing we agreed on was, “This [marriage] isn’t just about us.” We talked about our relationship honoring Christ every day of our married lives. We wanted to make sure our marriage would be a witness—a clear reflection of God’s covenant and His character—for everyone we would come in contact with. Melanie and I have tried to maintain that purpose for all these years.
Now, we definitely have our struggles. We know we sometimes act rude toward each other and get on each other’s nerves. And we also know that people are watching us—our children and grandchildren, as well as neighbors and people we interact with in public. So we ask ourselves, What are we modeling?
We’re very aware that there’s a lot of pessimism today about God’s institution of marriage. It’s often ridiculed. Divorce is commonplace. Young people are told that living together is a better alternative or that living together builds a stronger marriage. So, we try to be models of marriage at its best. For whomever God brings our way, we want to help restore a sense of hope in what marriage is and can be.
Communication in marriage with your spouse
How a wife and husband communicate with each other tells other people a lot about their relationship. Lately, I have been convicted about my communication habits with Melanie. I’m finding that I need to listen to her more and be smarter about asking her questions. Then, I need to let her respond without putting her on the defensive. When something doesn’t go well, the way I act often gives her the impression that it’s her fault.
What about you? How are you doing in your communication with your spouse? Here are a few tips to help get you on the right track.
1. Listen carefully
When life gets busy, it’s hard to carve out time to focus on your spouse. Maybe you have one eye on the TV or cell phone. Have you ever noticed your wife or husband stop talking in the middle of a sentence because she or he can tell you’re not really paying attention? It’s not a proud moment.
Communication in marriage is essential. If you want to improve your communication with your spouse, try asking thoughtful questions. If necessary, think of questions throughout the day and save them for when you’re together. Then, really focus on your spouse’s response. Listen without an agenda or becoming defensive. Pay attention to tone of voice and other signals. Maybe there’s a deeper emotional message underneath the words.
2. Watch your words
If your spouse is insecure or seeking your approval, he or she might take an offhand comment personally that you didn’t intend as an insult. Be careful with your words, and don’t underestimate your spouse’s need to receive words of affirmation—a lot of them—each day.
Do all you can to have the kind of marriage that will be a good example and a witness to others. Your marriage deserves the best of your time and attention, and your continued efforts to improve. Your spouse deserves your best, especially when it comes to communication in marriage.
