When my grandfather died, at age 95, I felt completely unprepared. It was hard because he died during the global pandemic, so I couldn’t see him even though he didn’t have an illness. I had no idea what kind of pain he was in. I was in a state of confusion and panic. I had this horrible image in my mind of what he was going through because all I had ever known was Hollywood’s interpretation of death.
It felt like I was dying.
But knowing the truth of what happens when we die helped me to find peace in his passing. I now know that he was not in any pain. He did not suffer. The Lord said it was his time to go home. The chain of events that happened made it clear that he was exhibiting end-of-life signs.
What Happens When We Die?
The final moments of someone’s life can seem scary or daunting. We may be worried and fearful. But these feelings aren’t often felt by the person on their deathbed. Like the dwindling twilight of a sunset, our loved ones can pass with the same kind of peace and quietness.
Yet, you may wonder, “What do I say?” “What should I expect?” “How do I know they’re dying?” “What can I do?” These are all valid questions to ask. Death is not something that we talk about much as a society, even though it’s one of the things every single person experiences at some point. Here are some end-of-life signs that will hopefully bring you peace, comfort, and understanding. What are some end-of-life signs?
Sleep
Sleep is the first sign that someone is moving toward the end of their life. They begin to feel tired, more frequently. It becomes more challenging to find the energy to do almost anything. They must recharge their “batteries”. They do this by sleeping longer at night or napping. If they want to do something meaningful, they nap first. Typically, they are asleep more than they are awake. Usually, food and drinks are how we recharge our batteries throughout the day. meals serve a purpose and are essential for us. However, this is not the case for those showing end-of-life signs. Sleep is their priority and preferred means of getting energy.
Unconsciousness
The closer we get to passing, the more sleep we need. The only part of our brain that is still functioning is our ability to breathe. Eventually, this sleep turns into a state of unconsciousness, making it harder to wake. Don’t worry. This is natural and your loved one is not in pain. When a person is unconscious, they don’t even know it. They will wake up and say they had a great rest.
Usually, if we have something in our throat, need to cough, or have an itch, we take care of it. However, we don’t feel or notice these little things when we’re unconscious. This means someone may be breathing through their vocal cords, making noise. Or if there is saliva or some other liquid in their throat, they’ll breathe through it making air bubbles. Some people think that their loved ones are drowning. It is, in fact, quite the opposite. They are not in pain. However, it’s important to recognize the signs of other conditions they may be experiencing that could cause discomfort.
Dysphagia
Dysphagia is, “a condition in which it’s difficult or impossible for someone to properly swallow.” There are many causes for this condition. When a loved one is experiencing dysphagia, they may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, so they refuse to eat or drink. This can quickly worsen their condition because of malnutrition.
Some common signs of someone experiencing dysphagia are: unintended weight loss, taking a longer time than usual to eat, or coughing more while eating are all signs of dysphagia.
Breathing Cycles
When we are unconscious, our breathing process begins to vary. Our breathing becomes faster and shallow for a period, then returns to normal. It gets longer and deeper, with longer pauses between breaths, then returns to normal. instinctually, we breathe in again, even if we are unaware of it.
Hallucinations and Restlessness
It can be odd when a loved one starts seeing things that are not there or acting very differently. This can also be a sign of impending death. A doctor or hospice care team can help clarify what medical care will help with this phase. The important thing is to seek help and recognize that this is part of the process and not an accurate representation of your loved one. It is okay to let them share what they are thinking and refrain from correcting their version. You don’t have to lie; ask questions to bring out what they are seeing or feeling. Listening is most important.
Hearing
When someone is very near or at the end, they will likely be unconscious. They’re being fed with feeding tubes and monitored closely and are unable to experience most things–except hearing. When a loved one is unconscious, their brain still responds to auditory senses. Talk to them, play music for them, tell them jokes. Many studies have said that the brain can still show signs of responses to auditory stimuli.
The (Not-So-Grand) Finale
In most cases, the exact moment of dying is quite peaceful. Their breathing becomes slow and shallow. It becomes gentle and quiet. Softly, they exhale and simply don’t inhale again.
That’s it.
Many times, there is no Hollywood finale or dramatic gasps of air. No sweeping revelation or panicking. There is no fear and no pain. They just gently and softly pass. A couple minutes after their last breath their heart stops.
Hospice
If medicine, preventative care, or treatments are no longer working, doctors or loved ones may want to get hospice, also known as end-of-life care. Hospice can be a valuable way for you to focus on spending time with them rather than handling the medical part. Hospice focuses on relieving pain and symptoms rather than curing or fixing.
Using hospice doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It doesn’t mean it’s over. Using hospice is focusing on the quality of your loved one’s life and ensuring that they are comfortable as they approach the end of their life. It provides an opportunity to spend time with them and do other important things with them. There are medical professionals, counselors, and pastors available in hospice to make sure that you and your loved ones are being fed emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
End-of-Life Signs
Modern media has created an unrealistic expectation and perspective of what dying looks like. People have heroic last words. They writhe in pain and discomfort. There is so much pressure and unrealistic anticipation of a person’s “last breath” that sometimes people don’t even realize that their loved one just died. Losing a loved one is always hard. But knowing what to expect can help.
For more information on hospice:
Crucial Conversations
Conversations that people have when they are dying are different from the rest of their lives. They shift from a “me” to a “you” and often say the same phrases and words. “I’m sorry.” “I love you.” “I forgive you.” These are common things that people utter when they are dying because they are seeing life from a different perspective than they have ever experienced before.
The need to “get something off my chest” has no stronger moment than when someone is dying. People want to apologize for things. Give thanks to others, or repair broken relationships. When someone who is dying apologizes, it’s easy, and understandable, to be polite. “No, it’s okay!” “Don’t worry about it!” “It’s water under the bridge, I’m just glad to be here with you!” But we shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss what they are saying. Our loved ones are speaking from their souls. What they are saying is so important that they are choosing to use their last moments on earth to say it. That’s quite important. These are things they wish they could have said earlier in life, and they have to say them now before it’s too late.
If you’re still wondering “What do I say?” “What should I expect?” “How do I know they’re dying?” “What can I do?” You can say “I forgive you.” “I love you too.” “Thank you for your forgiveness.” Sometimes a shift in their countenance can be expected. And most of all, you can be there be there for them.
It's Not Too Late
Talking about dying can help us understand it better. We can recognize the steps and signs of dying. There are patterns, cycles, and familiar things spoken. That means we know when someone we love may be dying. As a result, we can be better prepared to deal with the pain of their passing.
We can start having important conversations now. Before it comes time to pass, we can mend broken relationships. We can ensure that our loved ones know just how much they mean to us, by telling them now.
Every day is a gift from God. A blessing to experience and a time to give thanks to Him for our loved ones. And in the dying process, we can be there for our loved ones. Being with them and not being afraid brings dignity. A deathbed does not waste time. As odd as it sounds, God can use this time to minister to you and your family members. Don’t be afraid to lean in and trust God to show you the way.
