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When a Child in Foster Care Leaves

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When a child in foster care leaves
Goodbyes can be one of the hardest parts of foster care. This foster mom writes honestly about how to cope when a child in foster care leaves.

If you have experienced a child in foster care leaving your home, this title likely made your heart sink. You remembered an unexpected phone call. Or maybe the feelings of constant dread and anxiety of a long transition plan while you see the child you love struggle to leave the only home they remember.

I am not writing this as someone who has never experienced this loss. I have said goodbye six times to children. As tears fall from your eyes, tears are falling from mine. As you are reminded of all the indescribable and complex feelings of grief, happiness, and everything in between, know I am as well.

Having a child in foster care leave is not something that is in the distant past for me. As a foster parent mentor, I have walked many foster families through this.  I currently have two kids that I have fostered for almost three years, and discussions of them leaving have never stopped. This is personal to me. I am in the trenches with you.

Two Types of Goodbyes

After five years of being a foster parent and over two years of mentoring foster families, I have seen many different goodbyes. But normally, there are two main types: a child leaving into a situation in which the foster family feels is good or acceptable, and a child leaving into a situation in which the foster family feels is not good or even dangerous.

Notice first that I used the words “feel” in those descriptions. I am not God. You are not God. Just because you feel like a situation is good or bad does not make it true. Only God truly knows what goes on behind closed doors in a home. However, the feelings foster families experience when a child leaves are still valid. “What is best” for a child is not this article’s topic, so I will stick to addressing the raw feelings you may have when a child leaves, not whether or not the child should have left.

When a Child Leaves and You Feel Good About It

Hopefully, the most common experience you will have as a foster parent is having a child leave your home and feeling good about it. I had one child who left to go to a relative that I was really impressed with. She had a job, was a parent herself, and we both played with the child together to help the child bond with her.

The day came to say goodbye, and the relative asked good questions and even kept in contact for a while and sent me pictures. It was a great situation. But I still grieved. I experienced the complex emotions of happiness and devastation.

foster mom looking at photos after foster child leaves

When a child in foster care leaves and you feel good about it, validate every emotion. Write them down. Happiness, sadness, thankfulness that a family connection stays intact, wishing you could kiss the child one more time – it’s all valid.

Then, remind yourself about the character of God. He loves that child more than you do. Our God is a good God. He hears the oppressed and is the ultimate protector.

Finally, go back to basics. Why did you become a foster parent? What is the goal of a foster parent? Don’t welcome another child until you have taken the time to validate your feelings, remind yourself of God’s character, and reset by going back to basics.

When a Child Leaves and You Do Not Feel Good About It

While it would be great if we could always feel good when a child leaves our home, this isn’t always the case. I have mentored several families going through, and have experienced myself, the challenge of saying goodbye to a child in foster care. It is especially hard when you don’t feel good about the situation they are going to.

I have experienced this before. When I once said goodbye to a child and didn’t feel good about it, I cried frequently for months. Thankfully, I had close friends who came and helped me wash dishes. And my family took me away for a weekend to rest.

When a child in foster care leaves and you do not feel good about it, validate your emotions. Write them down. Dig into the Word of God. Consider speaking with your pastor or a professional counselor. It’s okay to grieve and cry out to God.

man praying when a foster child leaves

Next, remind yourself about the character of God, just like before. Remember that He loves that child more than you do (insert hug). Our God is good. He hears the oppressed and is the ultimate protector. I had a professor in college once tell me, “Act the way you want to feel.” Say those truths over and over until you can say them with confidence again.

Finally, go back to basics. Why are you a foster parent? (Hint: Do not become a foster parent to “save” children. That is not the job.) Validate your feelings. Remind yourself of God’s character. Go back to basics. Then, ask God whether you are ready to welcome a new child into your home.

How Support Systems Can Help

A quick word for those who love a foster parent who is grieving a loss: Thank you for caring enough to read this. You are a good friend, and that foster parent will be blessed by you.

Do not ignore them until they are back to “normal.” Send them a text, take them a meal, or even better, sit and cry with them even in silence. Do not be afraid to bring up the child. It melts my heart when even years later, friends will say, “Remember that one time that child… She/he has such a great sense of humor.”

Finally, when in doubt, treat them like someone grieving a death. Although the child did not die, their relationship with them changed forever. They may never get to hug them again, hear their voice except through old videos, or watch them grow up. It is a death of many things.

God’s Grace is Sufficient

Were you able to sit through and read this article in one sitting? If yes, you did something I could not.

I instantly went back to one of the most traumatic goodbyes I have had. An unexpected phone call. An unexpected court date. A six-hour notice of removal. Panicked goodbyes and packing.

One of the most challenging parts of foster care can be the goodbyes. When a child in foster care leaves our home, it can feel like we lose control and power. But the truth is, God has all control and power. And we know that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.

God has equipped you to do this, foster parent.  God is good. And His grace is sufficient.

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