Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

Arlene Pellicane: When you first get married, you’re both all in. Like, we are all in. But then the years go by, you stop having fun together. You stop being grateful. You stop serving each other. You’re like, “We don’t need rules. We got this.” And all of a sudden, you realize one of us is not showing up in the same way that the other one is showing up.

Jim: Mm. Yeah.

Arlene: So, there is a humility that needs to come to say, “You know what? I’m gonna show up to my marriage.” And even if I’m feel like, well, I’m gonna wait for him or her to show up first, no, your attitude is, “I’m gonna be the one.”

John Fuller: That’s Arlene Pellicane, and she joins us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller.

Jim Daly: John, it’s Valentine’s Day, which means it’s a great day to celebrate marriage, right?

John: Mm-hmm. Yeah, absolutely.

Jim: Have you thought of something to do tonight? (laughs)

John: I have been planning, Jim, I’m not gonna reveal my plans here nationally, but…

Jim: I’m kind of projecting ’cause I didn’t think of something yet, so I better hurry.

John: You are so good at spontaneous though.

Jim: Well, the spontaneous is better.

John: Yeah.

Jim: Yeah. (laughs). Hopefully I can come up with something.

John: You will.

Jim: Well this is the very heart of what we do here at Focus on the Family. Marriage is the foundation on which the family is built. And I think most important to God and it’s important to us here. And we hear stories all the time about how tough marriage is. I’ve had some twenty-something say to me, “Jim, can we say, you know, marriage is positive rather than it’s hard work?” But you know what, sometimes it is hard work and uh, it’s kinda like gardening. You have to till the soil. You need to water. And sometimes I do that well, and sometimes I don’t do that as well as I should be. And today we’re gonna talk with our great guest, Arlene Pellicane, to give us some insights and tools to do this better.

John: Yeah, it’s a light program. It’s not gonna be a heavy one. Arlene brings joy and energy and she is a speaker. She’s the host of the Happy Home Podcast. She’s married to James. They have three children. And she’s written a number of books, one of which we’ll talk about today, Making Marriage Easier: How to Love and Like Your Spouse for Life.

Jim: Arlene, welcome back to Focus on the Family.

Arlene: So great to be with you on this Valentine’s Day.

Jim: Do you ever have a down day?

Arlene: Of course I have a down day.

Jim: Every time I’ve seen you, you’re just these bubbles of smiles.

Arlene: Of course. (laughs)

Jim: Are you sure?

Arlene: They’re- they’re- they’re kind of few and far between, but I do have a down day. Yes.

Jim: So James has seen this, your husband?

Arlene: Well…

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: I am a very… I am that eternal optimist. So he will say like sometimes, “Can you just kind of tone that down?” (laughing) Like, “I know, I know you aren’t about that. I get it.” So he-

Jim: No, it’s great.

Arlene: … he might find that refreshing actually, if I kind of came out and was like, “Hi.” (laughs)

Jim: (laughs) He- he would say, “What’s wrong?”

Arlene: Yeah, what’s wrong?

Jim: That would be normal. Well, listen, you’ve been a part of something, a movement really. That’s a great movement. The National Marriage Week USA, which is happening this week.

Arlene: Right now.

Jim: Tell us a little bit about what that is.

Arlene: Yeah, so every February 7th through 14th, we wanna unite people who love marriage to really shift the culture in America to value marriage. To say, “Hey, wait a minute. Value is a good thing. It’s good for you as a person. It’s good for the family. Like for to raise kids, it’s good for community.” So it really is just kind of that cry of, you know what? Let’s unite, uh, together and shift the culture to say marriage is good.

Jim: Yeah. That’s good. Well you heard my little opening line there about the 20, 30-somethings really that always say-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: “Man, everybody’s talking about how tough marriage is.”

Arlene: So hard.

Jim: How would you answer that to those, uh, you know, we have younger employees here now.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: Lots of them actually, which is great.

John: Many, many of them. Yes.

Jim: And uh, you know, if I… When I’m meeting with them, they’ll often ask that, “Why do we talk about marriage being so tough? We’re getting scared.”

Arlene: Right.

Jim: So what- what should we say as-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … as marriage leaders?

Arlene: Yes, there’s a line in that movie, A League of Their Own. It’s an old baseball movie where Tom Hanks says about baseball, “It’s the hard that makes it good,” and there is… So I would acknowledge to that person saying, “Is marriage hard?” Yes, it is hard, but that’s what makes it good. And I would point to my own life of being married for 25 years and having kids to say that is the greatest, in terms of people like not my relationship with God, but in terms of people, that is the most exciting, wonderful thing that’s ever happened to me and it doesn’t have to be hard. So to ask that question instead of saying like, “Why is this so hard?” To ask instead like, “Well how can I make this easier?” Because you really can.

Jim: Yeah, that’s good. I thought you were gonna go to Princess Bride.

Arlene: As you wish?

Jim: Mawwiage.

Arlene: Mawwiage. (laughing).

Jim: That’s the line of lines. If you’ve not seen that movie, you should watch it on Valentine’s Day.

John: It’s a good one. Yeah, absolutely.

Jim: It’s funny. But uh, it’s also loving. So-

Arlene: And that would be the one to show the 20 or 30 somethings. Don’t you want what Wesley and Buttercup have?

Jim: Absolutely.

John: There you go.

Arlene: So a lot of it too is like modeling. Like, hey, this is really good.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: This is fun.

Jim: Totally. Um, let’s get to the real brass tacks. Uh, your husband enjoys camping. Yay, James.

Arlene: Yay, James.

Jim: Way to go James.

Arlene: Whoopi.

Jim: But it’s not really your jam.

Arlene: No. (laughing) our family like saw the lake and went to the lodge, you know. It was like, that was awesome.

Jim: I would, I think Jean’s pretty… She loves camping, but I remember when we did a lot of tent camping. I know you and Dena have done a lot of, especially here in Colorado. So we finally went from like a tent to a fifth wheel.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Because Jean was like, “I’d really like a bed.” So okay, I’m gonna get you a big bed. So anyway, but tell us about James and you when it comes to camping.

Arlene: Yeah, so we’ve definitely done all the different levels. And so the highest level we have done is, you know, that two to three day backpacking trip in Yosemite in the Inyo National Forest where you are really like carrying 28 pounds on your back. You are going for 18 miles in two days, whatever. Right? So- so we did this. And every time I do this I say to myself, this is the last time I will ever do this because it’s- it’s-

Jim: Because it’s so beautiful out here.

Arlene: … ridiculous, right? (laughing) And so I… As I’m doing this- this just this last year, you know, my kids love it. James loves it. So it’s like I must love it. So it’s like, okay, I’m gonna try this, I’m gonna try this. And when the path was beautiful, like you’re saying, it’s like, oh I will totally do this again. This is fantastic. I mean, where else can you get this? We’re all in a tent together. We all have stinky feet, we’re playing games. Like it’s very magical. Like this is very bonding. We’re in the middle of nowhere together as a family. Like this is really special. But then there’s other times where it’s like, oh look, there’s still some snow on that path and we have to cross that. And oh look, we’ve been going uphill for two hours-

Jim: Both ways.

Arlene: Yeah. And it’s those times where it’s like, I don’t want to do this anymore. Like I will never do this again. And as I’m walking, you know, I’m in this process of also writing this book, Making Marriage Easier. And in my brain I’m thinking, oh my word, this is like marriage. Like when it’s good, you’re like, this is fantastic, I love this. But when it’s bad, you’re going through hard times. You have difficulties, you’re not communicating, things are bad. It’s like I am outta here. And you know, you have the map and you look at the map and you say, okay, I see it this little dotted line, it’s gonna be 28 miles round trip, whatever it is. Like I see that. But until you actually do it, you really don’t know like what is gonna be there. So for me, it really showed me that, okay, when you pick the path, like there was no way I could stop. Like I couldn’t say halfway. I remember once I told James, “If I could pay $5,000 to be airlifted from this spot, I would do it.”

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: I told him that. But you can’t, like you have to make the loop, you have to make it all the way around. And that is marriage that you commit to, like we are going to make this loop. And to realize, yes there’s gonna be patches that are hard, but there’s gonna be a ton of patches that are really, really beautiful and totally worth the journey.

Jim: Right. I mean some of those, uh, tracks, it’s like left foot, right foot.

Arlene: Exactly.

Jim: Left foot.

Arlene: Yes.

Jim: But it feels, you know, this monotony.

Arlene: Just get through the day.

Jim: Get through the day.

Arlene: Like get through the day, say something kind and go to sleep. And that’s all you’re gonna do.

Jim: Well, you might cover the saying something kind is a good- a good one. And in fact, you talk about four decisions couples can adopt to make marriage easier. Now here’s a premise, maybe marriage is, uh, given to us by the Lord. It is an institution that He started, the family. We didn’t come up with it. Um, it says right there in scripture, family, government and church are kind of the three institutions that God put forward. Uh, it’s interesting for government ’cause it’s to restrain evil.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: That is its core mission.

John: Right.

Jim: But in that respect with family, uh, you mentioned these four uh, decisions. What are they?

Arlene: Yeah, we wanna make it real easy and simple. So the first decision is to play by the rules, decide what you will and won’t do in your marriage. The second is to give thanks every day. Just to simply be like, “Thank you God for my spouse.” And have that perspective.

Jim: Now can you… Arlene, sometimes that can be difficult. That one right there.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: I mean, ’cause you just had a- a little rough interaction together.

Arlene: Right. Right.

Jim: And you say, “No thank you Lord.”

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: Why is that important to have that perspective?

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: And especially when it’s a valley, not a mountaintop.

Arlene: Yeah. It is I think the gratitude to the Lord. So it is that attitude of like, God, this is the place I’m in and I’m so grateful that you are God. I’m so grateful that you are there. ‘Cause think of the children of Israel, right? They’re gonna get in so much trouble, not because they made another calf or not because they had all this adulterous things happening. They’re gonna get in trouble because they were like, God, you’re doing all this stuff for us, but it’s not enough. We don’t like it. We’re sick of the manna, we’re sick of the quail. We are ungrateful. And that’s what keeps them out-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: … of the promised land. And I think in a marriage we can get so used to nagging and grousing and just being so upset that we lose sight of it. And God does not like that very much. So for us to realize, okay, I will be grateful just because I need to grow as a Christian.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: I need to grow in my relationship with God. So maybe I am just grateful that, you know, if you have a sick spouse, you know how grateful you would be if your spouse was just well.

Jim: Hmm.

Arlene: So if we are just upset because our spouse is annoying, I mean, we can say, well thank you God, that my spouse is well.

Jim: Okay.

Arlene: You know, there’s so- so inspect, look for things to say thank you for.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: You know, my husband James, he kept a journal one week of all the little things he noticed about me that he was thankful for. And then he handed it to me. It was the week before Thanksgiving.

Jim: Oh, that’s good.

Arlene: He handed it to me.

Jim: Wow.

Arlene: And it would say things like, I’m thankful that you take the kids… To one kid now. “I’m thankful that you take Lucy to school and you talk with her all the time. I’m thankful that you like made a really nice dinner tonight.” Like these things that he was making note of. So I think-

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: … even though we think I can’t find one thing about this man, about this woman, you can find one thing.

Jim: Oh yeah. Without a doubt.

Arlene: You can… And and you probably can find five.

Jim: Alright. So the, you know, play by the rules.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: Set the main rules, play by the rules, and then make sure you’re thankful to God for your spouse. What’s the third one?

Arlene: The third one. The third decision is to serve your spouse. Serve your spouse.

Jim: What’s the fourth one? Let’s move to the next one.

Arlene: (laughing) Yeah, yeah, exactly. The- the fourth one is take fun seriously. So we’ll get there.

Jim: Okay. Okay.

Arlene: But I… But the serve your spouse. Right? It’s like, I don’t wanna serve my spouse because they, he or she, they have not been serving me. We are very transactional. We get that way that like, well you didn’t do that for me, so I’m not gonna do that for you. But then if you look at the Gospels, right? It’s like Jesus came to serve, the son of man came to serve. And you’re like, oh man. So it is this idea that well wait, if I serve my spouse, well they’re gonna walk all over me.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: You know, like, how’s that gonna work?

Jim: Right.

Arlene: But guess what happens? You don’t have power over what your spouse does, but you do have power over what you do. And if you ask the question, well what have you done for me today? You’re gonna be pretty grumpy and find, not very much. But if you twist it, thinking of serving your spouse and say, “Well what can I do for you today?” And it’s as simple as like, “Oh, I’m gonna bring James.” You know, we both work from home. I’m gonna refresh his water. I’m gonna notice that his water glass is empty and I’m gonna bring it. ‘Cause that’s me. Like, what can I do for you today? So just that idea of what can I do for you, that’s life-giving. Then you feel like, oh, I did a good thing. (laughs) And you feel kind of good versus waiting for your spouse to do something nice for you.

Jim: No, that’s good. And then the last one again, you touched on it.

Arlene: Yes.

Jim: But bring it back.

Arlene: Take fun seriously.

Jim: Okay.

Arlene: A lot of us think like, oh, I don’t have time for fun. Like, that was for dating. We don’t have any time for that now. But to realize that, wait a minute, this is actually important to have fun together. Because when it’s all said and done, when your kids leave the house, you need something that’s fun. And if you don’t actually plan fun or value fun, the whole thing becomes a drag. And that’s when you’re like, “Well this is hard. This is not easy anymore.” So fun is really a key component.

Jim: Well, I talked to your husband James. He said he’d like to go camping with you for fun.

Arlene: Yeah. Exactly.

Jim: You’re gonna be good at that? It’s gonna be fun?

Arlene: I guess so, man. I guess-

John: That’ll be an opportunity to serve.

Arlene: I’ll be like, I must serve. I must give thanks. I must serve. I must give thanks. (laughing)

Jim: Let’s dig into some of these. Let’s go back to the main rules. Um, for illustration purposes. Give us an example of you and James and maybe a rule that you’ve, uh, stuck to-

Arlene: Yes.

Jim: … from the beginning.

Arlene: Yes. Yeah. When we were first married, I was not a good cook. Like I didn’t know how to cook.

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: And I thought the George Foreman Grill would save my life because all I had to do was stick the chicken in, close the lid, open the lid, and take the chicken out. So I was pretty excited about this.

Jim: Perfect.

Arlene: Perfect. So I bought the George Foreman Grill. I had two chicken breasts. And so there’d be a big night. And James, who is very spontaneous, he’s like, “I just met the neighbor Walter next door. Can I invite him to dinner?” And I was like, no, because our home is not nice. I only have two chickens and I’m a nervous cook. No. And guess what happened?

Jim: I can guess.

Arlene: Yes. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. It’s Walter, he’s here for dinner. And I’m just like, “What?” So that was our first big fight.

Jim: But you gotta tell us the solution?

Arlene: Was that. And so he… I was so mad, so mad. Like how could he not listen?

Jim: You gave Walter James his chicken breast?

Arlene: I gave… Well, yeah, exactly. I gave him my chicken. That’s what happened.

Jim: No, no, no.

Arlene: Yeah, exactly. I should-

Jim: You’re such a good Christian.

Arlene: I should have given him James’ chicken.

Jim: Exactly.

Arlene: I should have given him only vegetables. And I was very nice to Walter. Right?

Jim: That’s good. Of course.

Arlene: Very nice to Walter. And then Walter left and then I was like, “Brrr.” And then James like pounced on me. Like literally like- like kind of like bear hugged me and it was like, “I’m sorry.” And I was like, “Are you really sorry? Or you’re just like, what are you sorry for?” And he’s like, “I’m just sorry that you’re mad.” You know? But I was like, “No, no, no, you need to be sorry that you invited someone even though I had said no and you need to respect my no.” And he was like, “Okay.” And so this is a rule.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: Right. When I put down a boundary, respect it. And I will say that from that day forward, honest in the 25 years of marriage, he never brings anyone unannounced. They always come announced and expected.

John: Oh my.

Arlene: But another rule that comes out of that that’s really good is the power hour. Is that you eat together every day.

Jim: Yeah, that’s good.

Arlene: And it’s just a rhythm because it’s kind of crazy if you talk to an average couple and you say, “Hey, does your… Do you guys eat together?” Or like a family, “Do you guys eat together?” They’ll be kinda like, “Well, we run to sports, we go to this, we go to this. We just kinda all eat or we eat in our separate rooms. We just kinda get the food and go to different places and eat.” And honestly, a rule that you can set down is we eat together.

Jim: Yeah.

John: This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And our guest today is Arlene Pellicane. And we’re talking about, uh, some of the concepts in her book Making Marriage Easier. Uh, stop by the website to check that out. We’ve got the link at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Well, Arlene, another thing that you talked about, uh, in the book is a pool table that had to do with some, uh, thankfulness and (laughs) that became an issue for you.

Arlene: Yes.

John: Tell us that story.

Arlene: It is the accumulation of stuff, right?

Jim: Wait. What- What? How do you use your pool table?

Arlene: Accumulation of things.

John: That’s a flat surface. Put everything on top of it.

Jim: That’s not how you do it.

Arlene: Oh, it’s so funny. So we wanted a pool table because our kids were growing up, right?

Jim: Uh-huh.

Arlene: So then you think of like, what are things around the house that you can have that kind of give an environment where you’ll hang out and do stuff. So we’re like, perfect. We’ll get a pool table. Well, a pool table is a very large item. And if you know us, we’re frugal. So of course this was a used pool table, but we really did find a beautiful one and we really did put it in our front room. We displaced, we gave away two old sofas, put the pool table in. We did use it for a while and that’s great, but you know what happened to it? It gets covered and then you put stuff on it.

John: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: And all of a sudden it’s-

Jim: It’s a great table.

Arlene: … not a pool table. It’s a great table. That’s exactly right. (laughing) And it gets… You know, when people come over, people take the stuff off it, they play and that’s great. But what you find as a couple is you think, well this will make me happy. I will get the pool table and I’ll be happy. We’ll remodel the kitchen and I’ll be happy. We’ll go on that vacation and we’ll be happy. But we realize, wait a minute, we get all these things, but it’s just a short-term happiness. So to realize that the accumulation of stuff is not what’s gonna fix your marriage. And really to be more thankful for what you have, inspect what you have and not what you don’t have. You know, when we were first married in that same apartment that Walter came to, we had trash bags on the windows because we didn’t have any curtains. So one day we’re like, well what if we just put some hefty bags here and like block the light? And we’re like, wow, this is really working great. So we used them literally like curtains, black hefty bags with little twists, you know, little ties-

Jim: Taped together.

Arlene: … ties taped together. And then we’re like, “Wow, this really actually works.” So for months we had that. And to be honest, we were happy as could be. We didn’t care that that was like that. And I think we need to sometimes take ourselves out of the materialistic culture that we live in and realize that having less is actually really freeing. Because instead of managing all your stuff, having a pool table that has all the stuff, you know on it, you have more time. Now, I will say in defense of the pool table, at the end of it all, I’m glad we have it, because we do play with it, like it does happen. So if you make an investment, make it something you know that people can use.

Jim: Uh, let me ask you, Arlene, in the book you emphasize this, this is something we cover a lot at Focus on the Family. And I think couples lose perspective regarding this. But, uh, to make your home a marriage centered home, not a child centered home, that’s a hard thing to do. ‘Cause so much of your attention goes towards your kids, especially in the early years and, you know, getting ’em ready for school and doing all the things that we do. If you’re homeschooling all of that activity, how do you not fall into the trap of making your home a child-centric home?

Arlene: Yeah, and it’s… Just think of it like when you have a child, they enter your home, they’re a welcome member of your home, but they are not the son that you are orbiting constantly around. Okay, how can you know? Because obviously when the child comes home, like when you have a baby come home, we get it. We had Ethan, he was like, Simba. You know, it’s like- like this amazing thing and we all, you know, we get it. When you have a baby, yes, you have to orbit around this baby to keep the baby alive. But when the baby turns 2, 4, 10, 16, you don’t have to orbit around the baby. And I will say as a woman, usually it doesn’t have to be, but usually it’s the mom who is the one that we are just really into the kids. We are very much… Like, if my kid needs a costume, I’ll go buy it or make it. If my kid, you know, needs something for school, I will do it. But if my husband is like, “Hey honey, could you look at this?” You know, I’m an author, so he’ll be like, “Hey honey, could you look at this letter for me and and see how you think it sounds?” I’ll be like, “I don’t have time for that. Use Grammarly.”

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: You know, like, and I’m caught. I realize I don’t treat my husband the same way I treat my children. Like if my kids ask me for something, I’m like, oh, I’m all in. You need me to drop you off. You need to just hang out at the mall for eight hours so I can pick you up again. Okay, I’ll do that. But if my husband asks me for something, “Hey, why can’t you do that yourself, buddy?” So that’s a kind of good measure. Like am I really treating my spouse as the priority relationship?

Jim: It’s still in that category of giving thanks every day for your spouse. Let’s camp our heads there for a minute.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: But, uh, you mentioned forgiveness is necessary in marriage and you quote, I think it was Ruth Bell Graham, um, which she said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” I love that.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: That’s a great thought. Um, you encourage couples to forgive the small things and one of those small things that involved, uh, your first book contract and an ice cream party.

Arlene: Yeah. (laughs)

Jim: What happened there?

Arlene: I had my first book. I mean, this is kind of exciting, right? But again, we have little kids, we are frugal. So I say to James, “I’m gonna be a published author. Let’s get ice cream.” This wasn’t even-

Jim: I love it.

Arlene: This wasn’t even like, let’s go out for ice cream. This was like, let’s buy two gallons of ice cream and have ice cream after dinner. And so all I… My only request was that one of them would have chocolate in it. Pretty easy request. Not that difficult. He comes home with our five-year-old and our three-year-old. And I open the bag and the first ice cream is caramel pecan crunch. I’m like, well that’s an interesting choice. Never… We actually had never had that before. And I was like, okay.

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: The second choice was cookies and cream. And I’m like, neither of these are chocolate. And I am the one who is the author that we’re celebrating in the super frugal way. And I am pregnant with our third child and I have just asked for chocolate and you bring me cookies and cream. And you know, he could argue, well it has a- a chocolate cookie in it. That is not chocolate, right? That is not like chocolate ganache or fudge ripple or chocolate and peanut butter-

John: High standards here.

Arlene: There is no chocolate in it, right? There is no chocolate in it. So I am just mad. Like you cannot even get this little thing right? And isn’t this kind of about me? Right? So I’m eating and I’m mad. And Ethan, who’s five, is like, “Mommy, you don’t seem very grateful. You tell us we should be thankful for everything we’re served.” (laughing) You know, all of us have had that moment right. Where our words come back to us.

Jim: Yes, without a doubt.

Arlene: And I’m like, it… You know, it cracked my, my chocolate heart. And I said, “Ethan, you’re right. I should be grateful. I am grateful.” And I forgave James and I talked about it later and I forgave him. And there is something beautiful and lovely that happens when we can say, “You know what? I make mistakes. You make mistakes. Let’s just move on.” And I think like if we could have such an attitude, like to defend our spouse, like maybe they were really under a lot of pressure, or I- I’m gonna defend them and just think the best of them. And obviously when there is an egregious offense on purpose, you know, that’s not something you just go like, oh well I guess he didn’t. No, you have to say it.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: So make the small things small, but keep the big things big.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: Like, if there’s something big you need to forgive about, that’s a big discussion. Maybe that’s counseling, maybe that’s something else. So please hear me as I say that. But the forgiveness is the goal. That’s where you’re- you’re headed.

Jim: Uh, Arlene, lastly, you encourage couples to show up. And uh, I guess the obvious question is, what do you mean by showing up?

Arlene: Yes. Is like, even when you don’t feel like it, you show up. You don’t feel like putting a smile on your face. You do it, you say good morning and you give the hug. It’s- it’s those little habits that you rhythms of your day that you respect your spouse. You know, we had the very funny situation of when we got married, you know, I was always like, oh, I wanna get married so bad. So finally when getting married, it was so exciting. And our… My hairdresser the morning of the wedding said, “Something’s gonna go wrong. It always does, honey.”

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: “So just be ready.”

Jim: Sweetie.

Arlene: “Something’s gonna go wrong sweetie.” It’s like, okay, I’m ready. Well, I wasn’t ready for what was gonna go wrong. Because basically during the ceremony, you know, the groomsmen we’re all there, my aunt was playing on the piano. There was a break in the music. And our professor, a theology professor, think Alfred in Batman, very distinguished. It was his second wedding. And he thought the break in the music was to start the ceremony.

Jim: And he’s performing the ceremony.

Arlene: He’s performing the ceremony. So he says, in the break of the music, “Dearly beloved, we are now gathered together.” And I am in the hall.

John: Oh my goodness.

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: I am not even there. I am in the hall.

Jim: Oh my.

Arlene: And I’m like, “Oh my word. My wedding is starting without me.” And I’m on my dad’s arm. And I’m like, “This is crazy.” And he does not look up ’cause he’s looking at his notes. So he gets all the way to the part of who gives this bride to this man. And he looks up and it’s only my husband James. And he says, “Where’s Peter?” ‘Cause that’s my dad. And he would answer the question, right? And then you realize what has happened. And you start saying, oh my- oh my- oh my music starts dah, dah, dah, dah. And then the girls come down the aisle, I come down the aisle, and he says, “Now we’re really ready to get started.” And the- the poor friends and family, they don’t know whether they should be like laughing hysterically or if they should be like really mortified. So it’s kinda like, ha ha ha ha ha. (laughing) They just have this very strange thing. But after that it was flawless. But when that ceremony started, I was not there. And obviously when you’re married, when you first get married, you’re both all in. Like we are all in. But then the years go by, you stop having fun together, you stop being grateful, you stop serving each other. You’re like, we don’t need rules. We got this. And all of a sudden you realize, one of us is not showing up in the same way that the other one is showing up.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: So there’s a humility that needs to come to say, you know what? I don’t want the music to start without me. I’m gonna show up to my marriage. And even if I’m feel like, well, I’m gonna wait for him or her to show up first. No. Your attitude is, I’m gonna be the one. And I-

Jim: That’s pretty funny.

Arlene: … I- I will show up first.

Jim: Oh, yeah. Your next book could be that.

Arlene: Yes. (laughs)

Jim: The woman that didn’t make it to her own wedding.

Arlene: That’s right.

Jim: By Arlene Pellicane. (laughs)

Arlene: I was prepared but I wasn’t there.

Jim: Arlene, this is so good. And what a great reminder for all of us as couples to do these four things. And I hope that, uh, this is something that you would want to come back to and read. There’s much more detail in the book. We covered some of the fun highlights and you do such a great job sharing the stories, and poor James. (laughing)

Arlene: Sweet James.

Jim: Sweet James. But uh, it’s so wonderful. So thank you for being with us and thanks for writing this wonderful book. And I hope people will get a hold of it. Thank you.

Arlene: Thank you so much.

Jim: And if you’d like to get a copy of this book, just contact us here at Focus on the Family. And if you can make a gift of any amount and we’ll send it to you. If you can make that a monthly gift, like John and I support the ministry. I know Dena and you do that.

John: We do. Yeah.

Jim: As Jean and I do. We’ll also send you a copy of the book to say thanks for being part of the ministry and helping other families find a deeper faith in their marriages.

John: Yeah. Contact us today. Uh, donate generously as you can. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY. And, uh, we’ve got all the details for you at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. When you’re at the website, be sure to look for the link to our Loving Well podcast. It’s a seasonal podcast. It comes out every year about this time. It’s got heartwarming stories and some real practical advice for you to, uh, apply to your marriage and to celebrate your relationship in new ways. And again, of course, happy Valentine’s Day to you. We hope you enjoy a terrific weekend together. On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.