Is it my husband’s responsibility to be the spiritual leader of our family? I’m not sure what that even means.
ANSWER:
The Bible clearly affirms the equality of men and women (Galatians 3:28). At the same time, God tells us plainly that husbands are responsible for spiritual leadership in the home:
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. (Colossians 3:18-19)
Naturally, this can be a touchy subject. Some husbands might wonder, “What am I supposed to do — act like a preacher?” Some wives might ask, “Why is he supposed to be the only spiritual leader? Why can’t we both do it?”
Ultimately, it comes down to a simple truth: Families need leaders. Someone must make decisions and take ultimate responsibility for the household to run smoothly and efficiently.
Remember, however, that a difference in roles doesn’t mean they are “unequal.” God doesn’t consider wives inferior, inadequate, less important, or less responsible than husbands. The Lord created a wife to be her husband’s best earthly resource. Only an unwise man would reject his wife’s opinions and help.
What is spiritual leadership?
Christians have different thoughts about what spiritual leadership at home looks like. However, if a husband and wife have a healthy relationship, the following actions are typical:
- They make decisions together as equals and look to Christ as the ultimate Head of their home.
- They consider their aptitudes and embrace tasks based on individual strengths.
- In some areas of service, they share tasks.
- They understand that, in the end, the husband carries the greater responsibility for leadership. And Ephesians 5:23 makes it clear that a man does have responsibility for leadership in his home.
That said, a husband must be a leader — not a tyrant or his wife’s superior. Leadership doesn’t give a husband the right to rob his wife of her individuality. He doesn’t get to disregard or mock her opinions and feelings. And he should never misuse leadership to get his own way.
So if we look to Jesus Christ as our model, all of this can only mean one thing: A husband is supposed to follow the path of a servant-leader.
How does a spiritual servant-leader act?
Jesus put it this way:
You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. (Matthew 20:25-28)
With that in mind, a husband who wants to fulfill the high calling of spiritual servant-leadership should develop these qualities:
- He imitates Christ. He must have a strong connection with his Heavenly Father. He finds his happiness in Christ above all else. He knows that he can lead effectively only if he keeps an intimate relationship with the Lord.
- He has integrity. He provides physical support, grace, and encouragement. He balances his commitments. He makes every effort to be the safest, wisest, and most respected man his family has ever known.
- He looks for ways to help each family member grow in their relationship with God. He pays attention to and nurtures his family’s mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
- He takes proactive steps. He looks for potential challenges to his wife’s and children’s well-being, and he finds solutions.
- He’s ready to protect, help, and defend. No matter what happens, he won’t hesitate to lay down his life for the people God has entrusted to his care.
We’ll end with these thoughts from marriage expert Greg Smalley. He says that “spiritual leadership really means living out [your] faith as a whole person: heart, soul, mind, and body.”
Husbands, let go of your preconceived notions of what it means to be a spiritual leader. … Embrace all that you do to live out your faith, and see it as spiritual leadership. Wives, I urge you to do everything you can to encourage your husband, affirming him for all that he does. Be sure to notice the “whole” picture of how your husband loves you and your family. (Recognizing Spiritual Leadership in the Little Things)
We’re here to help
If you’d like to talk more, call Focus on the Family’s Counseling department at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) for a free over-the-phone consultation. Our professional and pastoral counselors would be glad to chat further. They can also suggest referrals to qualified counselors and Christian therapists in your area.
In the meantime, we invite you to look through the recommended resources below.
Resources
If a title is currently unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer.
Kingdom Man: Every Man’s Destiny, Every Woman’s Dream
The Power of a Praying Husband
Each for the Other: Marriage as It’s Meant to Be