Spouse Misrepresents Husband / Wife

I don’t think my wife’s hurtful comments are intentional, but they often cast me in a bad light or seriously misrepresent my character. This has been going on for several years now. At first, out of respect for my spouse, I would wait until we were alone to set the record straight. But it’s become such a regular occurrence that I feel the need to defend my reputation in public. What would you recommend?

ANSWER:

Though your problem is specifically marital in nature, it brings to mind Jesus’ words on Christian relationships in the broader sense – in particular, His instructions for dealing with an “offending” brother:

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. (Matthew 18:15-17a)

Obviously, this section of Scripture is only partially relevant to your situation. You certainly don’t need to face off with your spouse in front of the whole congregation on Sunday morning.

Then again, these verses do describe a gentle progression from private confrontation to a more open form of public accountability that may be just what the doctor ordered in a case like yours. Let’s see how it might look in actual practice.

Share your concerns in a private conversation

You’ve already expressed your concerns with your spouse on several different occasions. Unfortunately, the message doesn’t seem to be getting through.

In spite of your efforts, your spouse continues to treat you with disrespect in the presence of others – a very serious matter in light of Peter’s exhortation to husbands to honor their wives so their “prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).

This suggests that it’s time to move on to the next stage.

Bring along one or two witnesses as backup

You could accomplish this by asking a couple of friends or family members who were there the last time your spouse publicly misrepresented you to be part of the process.

You may also want to seek the assistance of a pastor, a mentor, or a professional Christian marriage counselor. A skilled therapist can help you get to the bottom of the issue and uncover what’s behind your spouse’s troublesome behavior.

See a trained Christian counselor

There’s always a reason for every type of human behavior. If you can’t understand or don’t address the underlying causes, any attempt to “fix” the outward problem is likely to be superficial and ineffective.

Find out what it is that’s driving your spouse to treat you this way.

• Could they be promoting inaccuracies about you out of insecurity as a way to build personal self-esteem at your expense? 
• Is it a question of narcissism, a desire to control, or perhaps a passive-aggressive response? 
• Would you characterize this behavior as a form of abuse? 
• Or is it rather something that can be chalked up to plain old ignorance or insensitivity? (It’s always possible that your spouse isn’t even aware that you’ve been hurt by their comments.)

Practical steps to defend your reputation

When it comes to “defending your reputation,” we’d suggest that it would be wise to exercise restraint. It’s not a good idea to try to set the record straight with a heated response. But a brief and kind correction may serve to keep the situation in check – something along the lines of,  I think that is a bit of an exaggeration.

Keep in mind that if the assertions your spouse is making about you are plainly inconsistent with your character, friends and family will know it. They may even look for an opportunity to say so when your spouse has left the room. On the other hand, if they do have concerns, they can always check the facts by coming to you directly.

In the meantime, consider experimenting with a pre-emptive strategy. Remember: He who tells his story first gets believed the most. When you sense that your spouse is about to sully your good name with a muddied version of the truth, try jumping in with your own version of the story before he or she gets the chance to inflict any damage. It’s a good way to head the problem off at the pass.

How to strengthen your marriage

Would you let us help you work through this difficulty in your marriage? Call our professional and pastoral counselors for a free consultation at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). They’d be glad to talk with you, and they can give you referrals to trained therapists in your area and intensive marriage counseling options.