Why Should I Say “No” to Sex if I’m Not a Virgin?

God does care about virginity. Here is a girl flirting
When virginity is lost, you might be wondering, what’s the point of abstaining from sex?

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

If you have been around church culture, there is a good chance you have heard God wants you to save sex for marriage. Your virginity is something you can only give away once, and God wants that to be on your wedding night.

Research suggests that approximately 95% of Americans have had premarital sex, including 80% of professing Christian singles. That means for a lot of people reading this, you’ve already lost your virginity. Perhaps you are in a cohabiting relationship or you are having sex with a current partner. If you’ve already crossed the line, why change things now?

What Does Virginity Mean to God?

Most of us have heard that God wants us to live with sexual purity. The concept of purity means that we are free from blemish or defect. In other words, we don’t look at porn, we don’t engage in sex outside of marriage, or even think lustfully about another person.

The problem is that we know all too well of our impurities. Even if you haven’t crossed the line of intercourse in a dating relationship, you’ve lusted, fooled around, masturbated, and engaged in other sexual behaviors that have spoiled your sexual purity.

The shame we feel related to these impurities make us feel like God’s standards are impossible for us to ever meet. And so we give up and give in.

The Bible tells us that our purity does not come from our good behavior, but through trusting in the righteousness of Jesus Christ. So in one sense, we can never be sexually pure, but through Jesus’ blood, we are completely pure.

Regardless of your sexual past, if you have confessed your sin (sexual or otherwise) and trusted in the forgiveness of God through Jesus, He has forgiven you and purified you! Do you believe this? If you do, it will change not only how you look at your past, but how you steward your sexual choices today.

Think Integrity, Not Purity

Because we belong to Jesus, we are called to live our lives in a manner that honors Him, including our sexuality. God calls us to live with sexual integrity.

The word integrity comes from the Latin root integer which means something that is whole and unable to be divided. Being a faithful follower of Jesus means that every area of your life comes under His grace, forgiveness, and His Lordship.

There are many examples in the Bible of people who loved God but fell into sin, including King David and the apostle Peter. In both of these situations, God dealt with their failure, but then restored them to integrity. Unfortunately, there are other examples in the Bible of people (like King Saul and Cain) who sinned, but they were defensive when confronted and never returned to a right relationship with God.

Proverbs says, “A righteous man may fall seven times, and rise again.”

Your integrity is not a one-time, pass-fail test. It is the daily call to surrender your life, your choices, and your relationships to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. What you did yesterday matters far less than how you choose to respond to God today.

Why God Cares About Your Virginity

You might wonder, “Why does God care so much about my sex life? Having sex with someone I care about isn’t hurting anyone.”

I believe that having sex with someone outside of marriage is harmful (as we will cover in a minute), but for argument’s sake, let’s assume it isn’t. While many of the rules for living that God gives us are for the welfare of others, not all of them are. The most important commandment is that we love God with all of our heart, all of our minds, and all of our strength.

There are other examples of holy living that don’t necessarily have a direct impact on others. God tells us not to covet, use His name in vain, worship other gods, or store up excessive wealth. All of these have more to do with our hearts than our care for other people.

Sexual Intimacy Is a Sacred Symbol

God created sex to be a uniquely sacred act. We see this in 1 Corinthians 6 where Paul says that what we eat doesn’t really matter, but what we do sexually with our bodies has eternal and spiritual significance. He also says that when we sin sexually, we sin against our own bodies. I find it interesting that Paul says a very similar thing later in 1 Corinthians about misusing the sacred symbol of communion. “After supper, (Jesus) took the cup saying, ‘This cup is the new covenant of my blood; do this in remembrance of me.’… So then, whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of sinning against the body and blood of the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:25, 27).

Both communion and sexual intimacy are outward symbols of a sacred covenant. Sexual intimacy is a sacred bodily symbol of the covenant of marriage. Communion is a sacred bodily symbol of our covenant with God through Jesus Christ. Engaging in either of these symbols without linking them to the weight of the covenants they represent dishonors God.

Exposing the Lure of Romance and Erotica

In this two-part broadcast, listen as Dr. Juli Slattery and author Dannah Gresh talk about the cultural fascination with erotica that's been largely spawned by the popular novel and now movie Fifty Shades of Grey and other sexually explicit media. Our guests explain why such material especially appeals to women, and the danger it poses to marriage and families.

Sex Outside of Marriage Has Consequences

Praise God that through the sacrifice of Jesus, the eternal consequences of our sin (sexual or otherwise) have been paid for! If you have a history of sexual sin, even if you’ve lost your virginity, God promises to forgive and cleanse you completely from that sin when you confess it to Him (1 John 1:9-10.) However, God’s forgiveness doesn’t erase the earthly consequences you and others might experience because of sexual sin.

In Galatians, Paul quotes this Old Testament Proverb specifically related to sexual sin: “Do not be deceived. God cannot be mocked. Whatever a man sows, he reaps.”

Sexual sin has personal and cultural consequences. Consider these facts:

Are there people having sex while dating who experience none of these consequences?

Yes, particularly in the short term.

However, the way God created sex impacts our bodies, our emotions, and our relationships. He could have created sex to be “no strings attached” and without the risk of the things mentioned above, but He didn’t. The truth is that every time you enter into a sexual relationship, you are risking an STD, pregnancy, destructive relationship patterns, and contributing to poor mental health for both you and your partner.

God Loves You — With or Without Your Virginity

You may have regrets about your past sexual choices. Perhaps you know all too well the potential consequences of sex apart from marriage. Don’t let the enemy take your regrets and turn them into lies of self condemnation.

I’m convinced that many people stay stuck in sexual sin, not because they believe it is good for them but because they see themselves as irredeemable.

Remember what Jesus said to the woman who was caught in the act of adultery: “Where are your accusers? Neither do I condemn you. Now go and sin no more.”

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