Is sex a need? A YouTube viewer recently messaged Erin and me to clarify a comment I made in a social media video about sexless marriages. We’d talked about the reasons a couple may be struggling — exhaustion, busyness, and overscheduling, to name a few things — and we also talked about our spouse’s expectations. Often, our expectations lead to greater problems than sex itself. So, let’s look at what the Bible says about sex, marriage, and honoring each other.
Is Sex a Need?
During the YouTube video, I commented, “You won’t die if you don’t get sex.” Several viewers agreed with me, but one had an additional question. “I need more understanding,” the viewer wrote, “you said sex is not a need, but I have been taught that sex is a need for men.”
We’ve heard several versions of this question as we’ve ministered to couples. Erin hears it even more often in her private counseling practice. It’s a serious question. The answer might help you and your spouse grow closer together.
What Does the Bible Say About Sex as a Need?
The best way to answer this question is to examine what God’s Word says about sex and marriage.
The Bible says Marriage — the physical, emotional, and spiritual union of one man and one woman for life — reflects the relationship between Christ and His Church. (See Ephesians 5:31-32.)
God designed sex as part of the marriage relationship — not just for procreation but also for mutual pleasure for the husband and wife. Scripture endorses both: Genesis 1:27-31 speaks of God’s command to “be fruitful and multiply.” In addition, Proverbs 5:19 and other passages speak of sexual pleasure within the marriage union.
When Man sinned (Genesis 3), we walked away (Isaiah 53:6) from God’s good design (Genesis 1:31). Romans 1:18-32 describes the result, “For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened” (Romans 1:21, ESV). In their natural, unredeemed state, humanity follows the “works of the flesh” instead of the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:19-26).
Sex: Need vs Desire
A need is something you can’t live without. Air, food, water, and shelter are needs. Your well-being is at stake if you are denied these.
“Desire” is a longing for something besides our daily needs. This includes sex. You won’t die if you don’t have sex. This in no way demeans God’s gift of sex. Sex is an integral part of the marriage relationship — the glue that bonds a husband and wife together and places their relationship in a category apart from any other human relationship.
The challenge comes when we confuse desires with needs. Our sinful nature (Romans 1:18-32) says sex is a need and that we will be unfulfilled or incomplete if our sexual desires are unmet. The truth is that God loves us perfectly and completely. We don’t need another person to fulfill or complete us. In John 10:10, Jesus promises life to its fullest. This is the highest blessing we can receive.
We become selfish and manipulative when we seek to fulfill those desires outside of God’s provision. (See James 4:1-3.) These behaviors cause serious harm to the marriage relationship.
Sex Is God’s Design
God made a man and a woman and then brought them together in marriage. He commanded them to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth with their offspring. God gave us sex (with the safety of the marriage relationship) as the way to obey His command. Sex is also a gift of mutual delight to be enjoyed regularly between a husband and a wife. However, it is not an absolute necessity for life.
Our sinful nature often confuses desires for needs. When we feel our “needs” aren’t being met, we become selfish and controlling. This is not God’s way. God calls us to “outdo one another in showing honor” and to demonstrate the Fruit of the Spirit in our actions. This often means sitting down with your spouse to discuss expectations and find solutions that honor each other. If your relationship is not in a healthy place, then you may also need to speak with a licensed Christian counselor to find a win-win solution for your marriage. You, your spouse, and your marriage are worth the investment.
But What About That One Verse?
In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, the Apostle Paul speaks to married couples: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (NIV).
What is the Apostle Paul telling couples in these verses?
First, he’s telling husbands and wives to have regular sex. “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband … do not deprive each other except for a time … then come together again” (1 Corinthians 7:3, NIV). Paul says sex is an essential part of a healthy marriage and should be a regular experience between a husband and wife. While he does not define “regular,” he tells married couples they are responsible for stewarding God’s gift. The Apostle outlined exceptions to this regularity:
- If both agree
- If it’s for a limited time
- If it’s for the purpose of prayer
His point is that sex is important and should rarely be interrupted. (Abstinence is the exception, not the rule.) The goal is to resume your sexual relationship as quickly as possible.
When Sex Becomes a Demand
Unfortunately, Paul’s words have been twisted into coercing a spouse into having sex.
We like how Pastor Jonathan Parnell explains the misuse of Paul’s words: “If the husband quotes this verse, trying to convince his wife into sex when she doesn’t want to, he is opposing the very theology that’s foundational to it. He is making a self-fulfilling demand—something Paul has eliminated in 1 Corinthians 7:4. How? Because the husband’s body is under the authority of his wife. The husband, whose body belongs to Christ (1 Corinthians 6:16, 19–20) and is under the authority of his wife, does not have the authority over his body to make demands out of mere self-interest. He relinquished that right in marriage. The wife has authority over his body now, and he has authority over her body — which means that his sexual desires should be consistent with what is in the best interest of her body, not his. The Christian husband doesn’t make demands that his wife’s sexual desire be adapted to match his own. One application of this text might be more sex for some couples, but the text is betrayed when it becomes the basis for berating our spouse for sex.”
The word deprive is at the heart of the demand for sex— “Do not deprive each other.” Deprive means taking away something wanted, withholding something from your spouse, or removing something altogether.
In the marriage bed, deprivation is about removing sex altogether or withholding sex for a long time. This is very different than refusing a request for sex. To refuse sex is to decline the offer—it’s not removing sex permanently. The Apostle Paul isn’t suggesting that you need to consent every single time your spouse wants to have sex. He’s referring to the “whole” relationship, not an individual moment. As Pastor Parnell said, a surrendered body cannot force itself onto another—physically or emotionally. If you are tired, feel sick, or depressed, then having ownership of your spouse’s body means that you can decline a request for sex without feeling guilty. “Not tonight” isn’t the same as depriving your spouse. Now, suppose you are habitually withholding regular sex or have removed sex from your marriage altogether. In that case, that’s a problem according to 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. But either way, we do not have the biblical right to force or demand sex from our spouse.
Sex: A Gift, Not a Need
Never treat sex as a demand or entitlement. It is a legitimate desire within a marriage. It is a God-given gift meant to be enjoyed mutually, sacrificially, and exclusively between a husband and wife. While not an absolute necessity for survival, it is essential for intimacy and the health of the marriage. Neglecting it can lead to relational and spiritual challenges.
Erin and I recommend couples make time to talk to each other about their sex life. Plan a heart talk—a time to listen to and understand each other’s dreams and desires. Keep in mind that this isn’t a time to solve problems or seek solutions. A heart talk is about taking time to understand your spouse’s feelings, caring about them, and understanding what’s going on in your spouse’s heart.
Sex is a profound desire and an important part of married life, but must always be approached with love, respect, and mutual consent. Demanding sex undermines the very intimacy and unity that marriage is meant to foster.
Need More Insights?
Focus on the Family offers a free counseling consultation to help you find a licensed Christian counselor. Our counselors can also help you find more information that may be helpful to your marriage. Visit us online or call 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-4569).
