Marriage First Aid Kit

Estimated reading time: 25 minutes

ABOUT THE MARRIAGE FIRST AID KIT

You just had a fight. A bad one.

Emotions are running hot and there’s tension in the air.

You’re asking: What do we do now?

Here’s the truth: All marriages struggle. Healthy marriages get help.

This guide is your Marriage First Aid Kit. It’s not a full treatment plan, but a way to assess what’s happening, stabilize the situation, and take wise next steps.

And, before anything else, hold on to this:

God is the God of hope and healing. Invite Him into this difficult situation and ask for His help.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13, NIV

IMPORTANT: A NOTE ABOUT ABUSE

God’s design for marriage never includes abuse, violence, intimidation, or coercive control. Abuse can be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, spiritual, or psychological—and all forms of abuse can cause real harm to a person’s heart, mind, body, and soul. This resource is intended for marriages experincing normal conflict and should not be used in abusive situations. If you feel unsafe, are being threatened, controlled, or harmed in any way, your priority is safety, not repairing the relationship. Please seek immediate help from a trusted professional, local authority, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or by calling 911 if you are in immediate danger. You can also scan the QR code to access resources for abusive relationships.

FIRST THINGS FIRST: IS EVERYONE SAFE?

Before anything else, make sure you are safe.

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel physically unsafe?
• Is there ongoing abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, financial, or spiritual)?
• Is anyone considering self-harm?

If you answered yes:

• Get to a safe place immediately
• Reach out for help
• Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• Visit TheHotline.org

Your safety matters.

If safety is not the issue, move forward.

STEP 1: IDENTIFY THE EMERGENCY

How Serious Is This? A Quick Self Assessment

Get honest with where you are right now. A marriage going through a rough patch and a marriage in crisis are different issues—and they call for different responses. The questions below won’t give you definitive answers, but they will help you figure out which sections of this guyide matter most urgently for your situation.

ASK YOURSELF	LEAN IN/REBUILD	SEEK OUTSIDE HELP NOW
Is your spouse still willing to talk to you?	Yes—even if it’s painful	No—completely shut down (hardened heart) or gone.
Are both of you still sleeping at home?	Yes—living under the same roof	No—one spouse left
Is the conflict painful, but not unsafe?	Yes—it’s hard, but there are no threats or violence	No—there is fear or danger present
Has a crisis like this happened before?	No—this is new territory for us	Yes—we tried and kept going, but it didn’t resolve, and this is beyond what we can manage on our own.
Does your spouse acknowledge the problem	Yes—at some level	No—complete denial or blame-shifting

If you’re not in danger but aren’t sure how to resolve the conflict, continue working through this First Aid Kit and try the suggestions. If you feel there is still no progress, seek outside help.

If most of your answers point to the right column, please don’t try to navigate this alone. The most important thing you can do right now is reach out to a professional—a licensed counselor, your pastor, the Focus on the Family counseling line, or look into Hope Restored. Some situations are beyond first aid.

What Is a Marriage Crisis?

A marriage crisis happens when something overwhelms your ability to cope as a couple.

The result of the crisis can lead to the relationship becoming unstable or unsafe. It may cause emotional, spiritual, or relational instability that threatens your safety, well-being, or even the future of your marriage.

In these moments, you may feel helpless, hopeless, or as if the challenges cannot be overcome.

There are two main types of crises: acute and chronic.

• Acute Crisis: An unexpected event or revelation that causes emotional shock, panic, confusion, or fear. The situation feels unmanageable.
• Chronic Crisis: A longstanding issue that has been ignored, avoided, or unresolved for years. It’s a slow drip that weakens the foundation of the marriage and leaves couples feeling disconnected, discouraged, or numb. The crisis has gone on for so long that spouses may feel change is impossible.

What Kind of Crisis Am I Experiencing?

While not an exhaustive list, this chart will help you understand the type of crisis you are facing and will help you determine what kind of support you need.

ACUTE CRISIS (CAUSES)	CHRONIC CRISIS (CAUSES)
Infidelity or emotional affair	Sexless or “low intimacy” marriage
Discovery of pornography or hidden sexual struggles	Living like “married roommates”
Addiction revelations (substances, gambling)	Ongoing in-law conflict
Sudden death of a loved one	Repetitive, unresolved arguments
Legal issues (DUIm, incarceration)	Long-standing emotional disconnection
Financial collapse or betrayal	Chronic stress
Explosive conflict, emotional breakdown, domestic abuse	Ongoing physical or mental health struggles

What Does a Marriage Crisis Feel Like?

ACUTE CRISIS (FEELINGS)	CHRONIC CRISIS (FEELINGS)
Emotional shock	Disconnected
Urgent	Discouraged
Panic, confusion, fear	Hopeless
Destabilized—like an earthquake happened in your marriage	Slow erosion that leads to the feeling change is impossible

Why Does Everything Feel So Intense Right Now?

When a crisis hits, your body often reacts before your mind catches up. This is not a weakness; it is a physiological response. You are not broken—you are overwhelmed. While you may feel these are signs your marriage is failing, the truth is that you are experiencing a normal trauma response.

You may respond to crisis in one of these ways:

• FIGHT: Defensiveness, arguing, intense feelings
• FLIGHT: Withdrawing, shutting down, avoiding
• FREEZE: Feeling numb, stuck, unable to think clearly
• FAWN: Over-pleasing to avoid conflict

These reactions can make communication difficult, but they are not indicators of your character or the future of your marriage. They simply show that your nervous system is overwhelmed.

Now that you know these trauma responses (and how you personally respond), you can start stabilizing your emotions so that you can determine what type of treatment is needed.

Need help understanding why you respond to conflict in certain ways? Take the free Reactive Cycle Assessment by Focus on the Family. This assessment help couples see the normally unrecognized conflict cycle that occurs within all relationships, especially in marriage. Seeing your version of the cycle can help couples see what is really driving their conflict and more easily see effective and satisfying alternatives.

STEP 2: STABILIZE

When a crisis hits, most people think: FIX THIS NOW!

Don’t.

Start here instead: “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.” (Colossians 3:15, NIV)

Take these two steps:

Step 1: Stop	Slow down. Breathe. Don’t do anything that would cause additional damage to your relationship. Invite God into the situation.
Step 2: Stabilize	Are you safe? If so, then step away and create a space in your heart for healing, growth, and restoration. Ask God to let His peace rule in your heart right now.

Because crisis clouds judgment and heightens emotions, these two steps help you find Christ’s peace and protect your marriage from further harm. Doing so help you create an environment where healing and restoration can start.

What Should I Do in a Crisis?

The right response during chaos can create the stability your marriage needs to breathe again.

DON’T (This Makes a Crisis Worse)	DO (This Will Help)
Make major decisions while in shock	Lighten expectations temporarily
Escalate, shame, or attack	Slow everything down (avoid major decisions for 30-90 days)
Crowdsource your crisis (too many voices create chaos)	Regulate your emotions before you communicate or act
Demand immediate change from your spouse	Take responsibility for YOUR heart, not your spouse’s
Threaten divorce impulsively	Keep interactions respectful and steady
Use destructive coping (porn, affairs, food, and/or substance abuse)	Confide in one or two wise people
Treat temporary feelings as final truth	Seek professional support early (from a counselor, pastor, Focus on the Family counselor, or Hope Restored)

What If I’m Not Safe?

God’s design for marriage never included abuse, violence, or coercive control.

If you are in an abusive relationship, seek safety, adopt a zero-tolerance policy toward the abuse, and consult with a counselor to determine next steps.

If you’re in imminent danger, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

If you’re not in danger, Focus on the Family invites you to speak with one of our Christian counselors for a free, private consultation at 1-855-771-HELP (4537) weekdays from 6-8 PM (MTN). You may also complete our Counseling Consultation Request Form.

How to Protect Children During Marriage Conflict

If you have children at home, this section is not optional.

Kids are perceptive and vulnerable in ways parents consistently underestimate. They don’t need to be told something is wrong—they already know. And they will be affected by what’s happening in your marriage. The decisions you make in the next days and weeks will shape their experience of this season for years.

Your child needs two things from you right now: protection from the details, and honesty that you are okay enough to care for them.

DON’T (THIS MAKES THINGS WORSE)	DO (THIS WILL HELP)
Don’t fight in front of your kids. Especially at high volume. Children interpret parental conflict as a threat to their own security.	Maintain ordinary routines as much as humanly possible. Ordinary life rhythms are stabilizing.
Don’t use them as messengers.”Tell your dad that dinner is ready” is an innocent message. “Tell your mom I said …” during. a crisis is not.	Give them age-appropriate truth without details. “We’re going through. a hard time, but we love you and are working on it.”
Don’t confide in them. Your child is not your support person , no matter how mature they seem. Doing so adds a burden they are not meant to carry and subtly positions them into a loyalty conflict.	Check in with them. A short, calm “How are you doing?” tells a child they haven’t been forgotten in the middle of the storm.
Don’t let them see you fall apart without also seeing that you can recover. Children can handle a parent who cries. What frightens them is a parent who can’t get back up.	If you notice behavioral changes in your children, take that as a signal that they need more support. A few sessions with a child therapist during. a family crisis is not. an overreaction; it’s wise parenting.

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Ephesians 6:4, NIV

STEP 3: RESET YOUR HEART POSTURE

Most people in crisis ask: “How do I fix my marriage?” The truth is, you can’t force connection, control your spouse, or fix your marriage all by yourself.

The one thing you can control is your own heart.

How can you take time to care for your heart in the middle of a difficult, exhausting situation?

A Simple Prayer When You’re Hurting

Father, my heart is broken. Thank you that I can bring you this pain—in all its ugliness—and know that you care. Here’s my heart. Keep it open to you. Remind me of your love. I humbly ask that you let your love flow through me to my spouse. Guide my words and my next steps. Amen.

This prayer shifts everything:

FROM	TO
Control	Surrender
Blame	Ownership
Helplessness	Empowerment
Resentment	Compassion
Defensiveness	Teachability
Demanding change from your spouse	Modeling growth yourself

Your greatest influence in your marriage is the condition of your own heart. Every crisis forces a decision: Will your heart soften, or will it harden?

Humility (bringing your pain to God) softens your heart. Pride (refusing God’s help) hardens it. When your heart closes, healing becomes nearly impossible. When it stays open, even small steps can produce big movement.

This becomes a question of faith. Do you trust God, and do you really believe His is able and willing to be there for you—and with you—in this challenge?

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts

Colossians 3:15, ESV

A Word to the Spouse Who Caused This

If you’re the one who had the affair, made the destructive decision, revealed the secret, or lit the match that started this fire, this section is written directly to you.

The shame you’re carrying right now may be the heaviest thing you’ve ever held. You may be tempted to minimize what happened to make the weight “more bearable.” Or to over-explain it, to get your spouse to understand the context, the circumstances, or the reasons.

Resist both temptations. Minimizing protects you at your spouse’s expense. Over-explaining sounds like justification, even when it isn’t.

You are not defined by the worst thing you’ve done.
But you will be defined by what you do next.

What your spouse needs from you right now is not eloquence. It’s not a perfectly worded apology. It’s presence. Consistency. The willingness to sit in the discomfort of what you caused without running from it or rushing your spouse through it.

This means:

• Own the issue completely and without conditions. “I was wrong. I caused this. There is no justification.” (Not: “I was wrong, but…”)
• Don’t set a timeline for your spouse’s healing. The impulse to say, “When are you going to forgive me?” is understandable but deeply harmful. Forgiveness is your spouse’s to give, on their schedule, not yours.
• Expect to prove it over time, not announce it all at once. Trust is not rebuilt by a single act of contrition. It’s rebuilt by a thousand small, consistent choices made over months.
• Get your own support. You need someone to process the shame and guilt with you who is not your spouse. Find a counselor, a mentor of the same sex, or a pastor. Your healing matters and you cannot do this alone.
• Understand that your spouse’s anger, grief, and withdrawal are not punishment. While those responses may feel like punishment, they are simply the natural consequences of real pain. You don’t have to absorb every wave, but you do have to respect it.

God’s posture toward the truly repentant is not contempt. If is the father running toward the returning prodigal in Luke 15. You are not beyond redemption. Neither is your marriage.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleans me from my sin.

Psalm 51:1-2, NIV

As You Rebuild

As you and your spouse rebuild your relationship, take regular snapshots of your success. The free Marriage Assessment from Focus on the Family provides insights on areas of success and growth.

STEP 4: REBUILDING AND ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES

During a crisis, you start wondering whether what you’re facing is a hard season or a sign of something deeper. The real question becomes: Do I lean in and rebuild, or do I establish strong boundaries to restore safety and clarity?

LEAN IN AND REBUILD IF…	ESTABLISH STRONG BOUNDARIES IF…
Respect is still present	Repeated harmful patterns don’t change
Conflict is painful but not unsafe	Emotional or physical safety is compromised
Both spouses take responsibility	Your spouse refuses accountability
Both spouses are open to counseling or outside help	Behavior change doesn’t follow apologies
Empathy still shows up in moments	Gaslighting or manipulating is engaged
Honest conversations are still possible	Physical violence or threats occur
Emotional safety is bruised by not destroyed	Coercive control is employed
Desire for closeness still exists	Betrayal or secrety persists
No abuse of any kind is present	Mental and emotional health decline

What is a healthy boundary?
A healthy boundary doesn’t seek to punish your spouse, but rather to protect what is vulnerable and valuable in yourself. A healthy boundary is a clear, loving limit that defines what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationship—protecting your emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. It creates a safe space where your heart can stay open, while also calling each spouse to take responsibility for their own actions, growth, and choices.

What Healthy Boundaries Look Like in Marriage

You can lean in and rebuild when emotional safety is bruised but not broken, honesty and empathy still show up, and both spouses are willing to take responsibility and seek help.

You may need to establish strong boundaries when harmful patterns repeat, safety disappears, accountability is rejected, and the relationship leaves you fearful, diminished, and drained rather than protected and whole.

A Healing Separation

In some cases, the safest next step is a temporary, structured time apart designed to restore safety, gain perspective, and interrupt destructive patterns. A healing separation is not an escape with no plan for reconciliation. That’s a prescription for a “slow bleed” divorce. Rather, it’s a tool for clarity and stabilization. During a healing separation, both spouses pursue individual healing, work with counselors, and rebuild trust within clear boundaries. The goal of a healing separation is a healthier future together, not divorce.

Marriage Help When Only One Spouse Is Trying

Most of this guide assumes both spouses want to repair the relationship. Maybe that’s not the case.

Maybe your spouse has checked has checked out. Is in denial. Has left. Refuses counseling. Or still minimizes what happened. And you’re here, reading this alone in the middle of the night, trying to figure out how to hold your marriage together when it seems only one of you wants to.

You cannot drag someone into healing. But you can do the work on your own heart that makes healing possible when they’re ready.

Dr. Greg Smalley

Here’s what we’ve seen in our clinical work and in our own marriage: the person willing to change first creates the conditions that make it possible for their spouse to change. Not always. Not all the time. But more often than anyone gives credit for.

If you’re the only one working right now, here’s what to do:

• Keep going to counseling alone. An individual therapist can help you process your pain, clarify your thinking, and figure out healthy next steps regardless of whether your spouse ever joins you. Also, make sure your focus remains on your own healing and growth—not on your spouse and their behavior.
• Stop trying to convince your spouse and start focusing on your own heart. The more you push, the more they resist. The most powerful thing you can do is become someone who is genuinely changing—not to manipulate, but because it’s healthy for you and is an expression of your own integrity.
• Set clear, honest limits on what you will or won’t accept. Don’t set ultimatums but be truthful about what you need to stay and continue working. Boundaries spoken from a place of clarity are different from threats spoken in anger. Healthy boundaries are always meant to focus on what you will do to care for yourself and your heart, versus any attempt to control your spouse and their behavior.
• Find community. The isolation of being the only spouse trying is one of the hardest parts of this experience. Talk to your pastor, a counselor, and a trusted friend of the same sex.
• Give it time. Not forever, but not just a week or two. Talk with your counselor about what a reasonable timeline looks like given your specific situation.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9, NIV

Recognize the Real Enemy

Your spouse is not your enemy.

Say it aloud: “My spouse is not my enemy.”

Scripture is clear: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but agains the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12, NIV)

Not every challenge you face is a spiritual battle. Some days are just hard. Sometimes we fight our own desires and impulses. But as you and your spouse work together on your marriage, you will encounter challenges that seem to be something more than the usual struggles.

They are.

Christian marriages have an enemy: Satan. The Devil. He is real and he seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. Here’s what to do when you and your spouse feel you’re dealing with spiritual attacks:

Take Action	God Says	This Looks Like
Pay attention. Are you noticing a struggle that seems more intense than normal? Pay attention to it.	1 Peter 5:8 (ESV): “Be sober-minded; be watchful. our adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”	Prayer. If you sense there’s an issue, take it to God immediately and ask Him to help you assess the situation.
Armor up. You can’t face these challenges on your own. You’ll need God’s help.	Ephesians 6:11 (ESV): “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand agains the schemes of the devil.”	Ground yourself in God’s Word. Your “spiritual armor” includes truth, righteousness, peace, and faith.
Check your thought life.	2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV): “We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”	Examine your expectations. Are you expecting your spouse to “measure up” to your ideals, not God’s?
Seek cover together.	Psalm 46:1 (ESV): “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”	Run to God. You can’t control this kind of struggle. But you and your spouse can find refuge in God and His loving protection.
Get help.	Proverbs 17:17 (ESV): “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”	Call a trusted friend. Ask a mentor or a member of your support group to pray for you and your spouse.
Keep in touch.	Ephesians 4:15 (ESV): “Speaking the truth in love.”	Communicate with your spouse. Keep each other informed about how you’re feeling and what you’re facing.

Couples who recover from crisis almost always do so by recognizing the real attack, leaning on God for protection, praying when they feel empty, and fighting together rather than against each other.

God, I can’t do this on my own. You’re going to have to fight for this marriage through me.

A Prayer When You’re Struggling

Choose a Support Team

Earlier, we mentioned the importance of community. Here’s why: One of the biggest mistakes couples make in a crisis is seeking support from either the wrong people or too many people. Your ideal support team should be small, wise, and safe.

Seek two or three people who are:

• The same sex as you.
• Emotionally grounded—not reactive or dramatic.
• Spiritually mature and compassionate, but truthful.
• Not enmeshed with your spouse or in-laws.
• Willing to be objective—someone who won’t take sides or cause division.
• Committed to your well-being, and that of your marriage and your family.
• Professionals—a licensed counselor, pastor/church leader, or Hope Restored clinician.

Proverbs 17:17 reminds us that loyal, godly friends are essential in times of need. Seek two or three truth-tellers, not a dozen opinion-givers. The right support brings clarity. The wrong support brings chaos.

How to Find the Right Marriage Counselor

Finding a marriage counselor can feel overwhelming—but it’s a courageous step toward hope and healing. In this video, Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley walk couples through how to find the right marriage counselor, what credentials matter, and how to know if a counselor is a good fit.

Think about this: For some, the church community is a genuine source of support and prayer. For others, the thought of a congregation knowing what’s happening brings shame, judgment, and fear about how you’ll be treated. Use discretion about how much you share and with whom. Explore the resources your church offers while at the same time reaching out to a professional for additional support.

STEPS TO RECOVERY

If the conflict is over, if you’re physically and emotionally safe, and if the conflict is about those normal speed bumps we all hit in a marriage (we’re not talking about infidelity, pornography, abuse, or other major issues, which are more than normal speed bumps), then consider the next step: repairing the relationship.

Before we discuss ways to repair, we want to set some basic expectations.

• Start small. Relational healing begins through small, consistent steps—not grand gestures.
• Give it time. Your issues didn’t start in a single day. They’ve likely built for some time before reaching a crisis. It’s the same with healing. You can’t fix the solution in a single conversation or in just a few day’s time. If you’re struggling with the timeline, pause and ask God to extend His grace to you as your rebuild.
• Take breaks. If you find that discussions with your spouse start to escalate and tensions are getting high, call a time out. “I need to step away for a few minutes to get my heart back open.” Take the time, pray, and then ask your spouse if they’re ready to continue the conversation. If you called the time out, it’s you responsibility to restart the conversation.

Before You Start a Conversation About the Relationship

If your relationship is physically and emotionally safe, set time aside with our spouse to talk about the issue you’re facing. Make it your goal to repair and rebuild the relationship.

Before you start, follow these steps:

• Spend time in prayer to get your heart open to God.
  • Is there anything in the way of your relationship with Him?
  • Pray Psalm 139:23-24: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting” (NIV).
  • Ask God to open your heart to your spouse so that His love can flow through you.
• Ask your spouse if this is a good time to talk. If not, ask to set a time to talk through this issue.

When you talk, follow these steps:

• If you played a role in the argument, take personal responsibility.
• Use “I” statements to describe your feelings. “I felt lonely,” not “you pushed me away.”
• Listen to your spouse without interrupting.
• If things get intense, take a break and then come back together.
• Work toward a win-win situation. Both spouses should feel good about the next steps.
• Express appreciation for your spouse.
• Close the conversation with shared prayers.

Small Ways to Reconnect

Relational healing begins through small, consistent steps—not grand gestures:

• A 10-minute daily check in: “What was the high and low of your day?” or “How’s your heart today?”
• Share one appreciation per day—something specific, not generic.
• Pray separately, but for each other.
• Create tiny moments of kindness: a note, a gentle touch, a word of encouragement.
• Re-establish a simple connection ritual: a real goodbye, a greeting at the end of the day, a shared meal.
• Practice small repair attempts: “I’m sorry, ” or “Can we reset?”
• Take a short walk together—side-by-side movement eases communication.
• Revisit a positive memory to strengthen the emotional bond between you.

These small practices signal safety, slowly rebuild trust, and help your hearts turn back toward each other over time.

What to Expect from Recovery

We want to tell you something that your counselor will likely tell you: Recovery doesn’t feel like a steady climb upward. It feels more like a roller coaster.

There will be weeks when you feel genuine hope—when you have a good conversation, when you feel close again, when it seems like maybe you’ll be okay. And then something will happen. A trigger—a song, a location, an anniversary, a smell, or a casual comment—pulls you back into the struggle. You’ll feel the pain and hopelessness all over again.

Triggers are not evidence that recovery has failed. They are evidence that something real happened that changed you. They are a normal part of healing…not a sign healing isn’t working.

When You Are Triggered

• Name it as a trigger, not a relapse. “I just got triggered. I need a few minutes.” This is different from, “We’re back to square one.”
• Give yourself permission to grieve without catastrophizing. The pain of the trigger is real and valid, but it’s temporary.
• Share it with your spouse when you can. Share it as information, not accusation. “Driving past that restaurant hit me hard today. I’ll be okay, but I wanted you to know.”
• Recognize that your spouse is likely experiencing their own invisible triggers on their own timeline. Recovery is rarely synchronized.

Realistic Recovery Time

Depending on the severity of the crisis, genuine healing takes anywhere from 18 months to several years. This isn’t to discourage you but to protect you from giving up prematurely after a few weeks or months. Give yourself and your marriage the gift of time so that you can heal.

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Ecclesiastes 3:11, NIV

What Healing Often Looks Like

With God’s help and the support of a godly community, you and your spouse can heal and grow individually and together. You can move from helplessness to empowerment. You can develop healthier communication patterns. You can rebuild trust and rediscover friendship and connection.

True healing means God is slowly restoring what was broken. Couples move from hopeless to wholeness, grow in grace, and rediscover a love that flows from two well-cared-for hearts.

There Is Hope

A marriage crisis is one of the most painful experiences a couple can walk through, but it doesn’t have to be the end of your story. The challenge is for us to slow down, seek stability, tend to your own heart, and invite wise counsel. God often brings beauty from brokenness. “He will bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes” (Isaiah 61:3, NIV).

You are not alone.

You are not beyond hope.

Your marriage is not beyond redemption.

CONTACT US

• Focus on the Family Counseling: 1-855-771-HELP or request a callback.
• Hope Restored Marriage Intensive Counseling.

If your marriage feels like it’s in a free fall, Hope Restored offers a proven path forward. Our multi-day biblically based intensive program provides focused care from licensed Christian counselors who specialize in high-distress marriages. More than 80% of couples who complete a Hope Restored intensive are still together two years later.

He comes alongside us when we go through hard times…so we can be there for others.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4, MSG

IMPORTANT: IF YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Focus on the Family is dedicated to bringing healing and restoration to couples in crisis. But God’s design for marriage never included abuse, violence, or coercive control. Abuse is any behavior designed to gain or maintain power and control over a spouse—physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological. Violence against a spouse is never justified and is never God’s intent for marriage.

If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek safety first. The resources below are confidential and available right now:

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (24/7, free, confidential) or TheHotline.org.
• Focus on the Family Christian Counselors: 1-855-771-HELP (4357)—Weekdays, 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. Request a callback.

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.

Mary Oliver

The marriage content in this article is intended for couples whose conflict, while painful, does not involve abuse or coercive control. If you are unsafe, please reach out before using any of the content in this guide.

Note to the reader: Over the years, we’ve counseled hundreds of couples who are struggling with conflict and pain in their marriages. While the details may vary, the pain is very real in every situation. This Marriage First Aid Kit includes input from numerous marriage and family therapists who have accumulated years of counseling experience with couples through Focus on the Family’s counseling service an Hope Restored marriage intensives. We hope that after you’ve read this information you won’t hesitate to visit Focus on the Family’s Counseling and Referrals page or HopeRestored.com. We’re here for you and your spouse as you seek answers and pursue healing for your situation. May God grant you his wisdom and strength for the road ahead.

– Dr. Greg Smalley, Psy, D.
– Erin Smalley BSN, MS

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS: