Java with Juli: Fighting Fair

By Juli Slattery
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All couples disagree at times — money, in-laws, sex, the laundry. Conflict seems to be a necessary evil in marriage. But did you know that how you fight is more important than what you fight about?

All couples fight about something.

Whether you’re celebrating the first year of marriage or you’re reminiscing about decades together, there’s no doubt that marital bliss has been interrupted by conflict somewhere along the way. All couples disagree about something — money, in-laws, sex, the laundry. It seems at times as though conflict is a necessary evil in marriage. But has it ever dawned on you that what you fight about is far less important than how you fight about it?

The process of conflict

Some of my arguments with Mike (especially early in our marriage) have been about petty issues — how much to spend on an extension cord, whether to answer the phone (before caller ID) or why Mike would eat a huge bowl of cereal right after eating a small portion of the meal I had prepared. Even today the subjects of our “discussions” are usually minor, but the way we “discuss” them has proven to be crucial to the health of our relationship.

Spouses can do incredible damage to the trust built in their marriage, even as they argue about what kind of toothpaste to buy. Name-calling, criticizing, bullying and threatening (even appeasing in order to avoid conflict) will leave a lasting scar on the relationship. Couples can deal with the consequences of just about any decision as long as they build trust in the process of coming to that decision. Even with the big issues, the process is far more important than the outcome.

Valuing love

Underlying each of the issues that you and your husband disagree about are central questions about trust in your relationship. While you may be insisting that you should go to your parents’ house for the holidays, you are also asking your husband, “Do you understand me? Can I count on you to consider my needs?” Your husband is silently asking similar questions: “Do you respect my opinion? Do you care about me as much as you care about getting your way?”

Many broken marriages lie in the wake of good people invested in winning the argument who lose sight of their love for each other. Conflict isn’t just a necessary evil — it becomes the Refiner’s fire in which we are confronted with our own fears, blind spots and selfishness. It presents us with choices: Will I be defensive or receptive? Humble or self-righteous?

So, the next time conflict knocks on your door, remember that how you fight is more important than what you fight about.

Juli Slattery is the author of Finding the Hero in Your Husband.

Did you know couples are 30 percent less likely to get a divorce if they get some sort of premarital training? If you or someone you know is planning to marry, check out Focus on the Family’s Ready to Wed curriculum, and then prepare for a marriage you’ll love!

Copyright © 2010 Focus on the Family. From the Focus on the Family website at

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There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage

You may feel that there is no hope for your marriage and the hurt is too deep to restore the relationship and love that you once had. The truth is, your life and marriage can be better and stronger than it was before. In fact, thousands of marriages, situations as complex and painful as yours, have been transformed with the help of professionals who understand where you are right now and care deeply about you and your spouse’s future. You can restore and rebuild your marriage through a personalized, faith-based, intimate program called, Hope Restored.
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About the Author

Dr. Juli Slattery
Juli Slattery

Dr. Juli Slattery is a clinical psychologist, a public speaker, and the author of 10 books. She is also the president and co-founder of Authentic Intimacy, a ministry devoted to reclaiming God’s design for sexuality. Prior to starting Authentic Intimacy, Juli served at Focus on the Family from 2008-2012 as a writer, teacher and co-host of the Focus on the Family …

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