Imagine that you are binge-watching a Netflix series. Your spouse plops down next to you in the middle of episode five and begins peppering you with questions: “Why did they shoot that guy? Is that the love interest? Is she a spy?” Pretty frustrating, right? You probably respond with the obvious, “You have to watch the first four episodes to understand what’s going on in this one.”
Backstory is everything. It paints the picture for how we understand and interpret the events that are happening right now. Have you ever considered that your sex life has a backstory? And your spouse’s sex life has one, as well. These backstories include what has happened between the two of you and also what you experienced before you ever met.
Your sexual backstory is not just the things that happened to you as a teenager or young adult, but how those experiences shaped how you think about sex. You don’t come to your marriage bed with a blank slate. You come with expectations, fears, secrets, shame, and an unspoken understanding of what “good sex” should look like.
An example of sexual backstories in a Christian marriage
Consider the backstories of Amy and Jim. Amy was raised by a single mom who had a series of live-in boyfriends. When Amy was 10, her mom’s boyfriend began making sexual comments toward her and eventually began molesting Amy. The abuse continued for several months until Amy’s mom discovered what was happening. Although her mom kicked the guy out of the house, she never spoke to Amy about the abuse. Without any guidance and filled with sexual shame, Amy followed her mom’s example of going from guy to guy. Then she met Jim.
Jim brought his own pain into their marriage. Although he wasn’t sexually abused, he grew up in a family that was emotionally distant. The only way Jim understood closeness and intimacy was to be sexual with his wife. Not long into their marriage, Jim became very frustrated when Amy began avoiding sex. Jim continually made sexual advances, only to be shot down again and again. Every time Jim initiated sex, Amy froze. When they did have sex, she felt used and violated.
As a Christian couple, Amy and Jim knew sex was supposed to be a gift from God. They couldn’t understand why God would give them a gift that represented so much pain and disappointment.
Out of the tangled experiences of their backstory, sexuality for this couple has come to represent some strange blend of blessing from God, shame from the past and unmet expectations.
A new perspective on Christian sex life
If I were meeting with a couple like this, they would want to know how to get on the “same page sexually.” They would want to understand why one of them avoids sex and why they are so hurt and disappointed with something they were told to look forward to. Instead of answering these questions, I might begin by asking them questions like, “Why do you think God created you as a sexual person? What do you think it means to be sexually whole or sexually broken?”
Friend, you and your spouse cannot solve the problem of sex until you have the right perspective of what it’s supposed to look like in the first place. You can’t do sex right in your marriage until you think about sex correctly in your marriage. And most likely, your backstory has muddled your perspective of what it means to be a sexual person.
Whether or not you are aware of it, sex was rich with meaning before you ever said “I do.” Even the avoidance of sex has purpose. Sex is not just two bodies connecting but involves the complex interchange of everything sex has come to mean to both you and your spouse. Your backstories live beneath the symptoms of mismatched sexual desire, a request for “kinky” sex and the longing for what you can’t quite grasp.
A mysterious story of sex
We use templates or narratives to try to make sense of why sex is so difficult, how to solve our problems and whether or not it’s even worth trying anymore. Most Christians view sex through a combination of both the secular culture’s perspective of sexuality and a simplistic version of religious teaching on the topic.
The culture’s story of sex is all about experiencing personal pleasure. Sex is supposed to be great! To be a truly happy person, you must be with someone who is consistently meeting your romantic and sexual needs. If you and your spouse are fighting about sex, you may simply be sexually incompatible.
The church’s traditional story of sex has largely been reduced to biblical warnings about sexual sin and immorality without any explanation of why a loving God would be so mad about our sex lives. “Sexual immorality is bad” has for many been translated as “sexuality is bad.” We are currently witnessing the fallout of a generation of Christians who grew up hearing only the rules about biblical sexuality without a larger vision for God’s purpose and redemption.
You and your spouse were created for more than the superficial pleasure of an orgasm. The fullness of God’s plan for your marriage is not simply about moral duty and obligation. Sex for you right now may represent anger, disappointment, hurt, shame and even despair. You may feel hopeless and resigned because you’ve tried many suggestions of how to have a great sex life.
Hidden in the pages of the Bible is a mysterious story of sex that is timeless and full of hope. It will give you an entirely new way of viewing not just the ecstasy of sexual pleasure in your marriage, but also how God can show His goodness through your greatest sexual challenges.
To learn more about God’s design for sex, read God, Sex and Your Marriage.
