Why Do I Get So Angry With My Children?

By Amber Lia
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Illustration of a stressed-out mom standing at the door of her young child's bedroom
Merrilee Liddiard
Why do we get so upset with our kids? Break free from the habit of angry, reactionary parenting.

When my sons were finally down for their naps, I closed their bedroom door behind me and leaned against it, exasperated. My legs felt as heavy as my heart. Too often, I was an angry mom, and that reality had caught me off guard once again.

Like many women, I had longed to be a mother. I imagined that my days would be filled with playing at the park, baking cookies and watching swim lessons. Instead, I found that while there were many wonderful moments with my three young boys, reality also involved strong wills and daily temper tantrums — both theirs and mine. Lord, why am I so easily frustrated with my children? Help me be a gentler mom!

I made my way back to the family room where dishes and toys were scattered like a maze of mayhem. The mess triggered my anger once again. I loved my children with every fiber of my being, but my actions were not matching my heart. Over time I realized that my unrealistic expectations and desire for things to go my way were rooted in pride that manifested itself in resentment.

Something had to change.

As a new mother, I imagined I was the only mom who was feeling this way. Now, I know better. Many women have confessed to yelling at their kids, shaming them or saying things they regret. Triggers that lead toward anger — the things that set us off — are not extraordinary. In fact, I’m convinced that these triggers are what most moms have in common.

Some of our triggers are external. They are the things our kids do that turn us into reactionary parents — sibling rivalry, backtalk and disobedience. Other triggers are internal and have everything to do with us — exhaustion, a messy home and marital woes. But we don’t have to be victims of our triggers.

You can manager and overcome the inevitable anger that erupts in motherhood! Jim Daly and John Fuller talk with Amber Lia and Wendy Speake authors of Triggers: Exchanging Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Reactions.

This is part 1. Link to part 2 here.

Confess anger

Proverbs 28:13 says, “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” After confessing and acknowledging that I was sinfully angry, I felt the peace of Christ fill my heart. I read verses about anger and gentleness and asked God to renew my mind. And sure enough, confession led to transformation.

Set a timer

The Word of God reminds us that we need to slow down when we feel anger rise in our hearts. Ecclesiastes 7:9 says, “Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools.” As I began to take my anger seriously, I set a timer on my phone to remind me of this verse. I memorized it, and every hour when the timer went off, I recited it and said a quick prayer. Over many months, this practice made me more aware of my body language and my voice tone.

Practice being close-lipped

Scripture convinced me that I was not going to get anywhere good by treating my kids harshly. Proverbs 31:26 says, “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” If we cannot teach or correct our children with kindness, we must wait until we can. If we can’t be kind, we should be close-lipped. As soon as I felt the urge to say something in anger, I practiced self-control — closing my lips until I could speak with grace and kindness. There is nothing anger can do that love can’t do better. Taking a “holy pause” allowed me to respond rightly instead of joining my kids in behaving wrongly.

From angry mom, to grace-filled parent

I often tell moms that it takes a childhood to fully train a child. That’s 18 years! The transformation from an angry mom to a gentle mom is not something that happens overnight, either.

My mothering now looks far more like the loving, grace-filled parenting that seemed so elusive as I stood outside my sons’ bedroom door. Purposefully breaking the destructive habit of reactionary parenting required humility and commitment, but with God’s help, it was possible.

© 2018 by Amber Lia. Used by permission.


Understand How to Respect and Love your Son Well

Why doesn’t my son listen to me? Have you ever asked that question? The truth is, how you see your son and talk to him has a significant effect on how he thinks and acts. That’s why we want to help you. In fact, we’ve created a free five-part video series called “Recognizing Your Son’s Need for Respect” that will help you understand how showing respect, rather than shaming and badgering, will serve to motivate and guide your son.
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“Raising Your Kids to Defend Their Faith” - Video Series

“Raising Your Kids to Defend Their Faith” is a series of five short videos, created to get you started in teaching your kids the fundamentals of Christianity, so they can understand it, explain it, and defend it.