John Fuller: Men and women are just different.
Jane Seaborn: I like to eat at restaurants like The Olive Garden.
Dan Seaborn: I like to eat at restaurants like Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Audience: Yeah. (Applause)
Jane: I like frozen yogurt.
Dan: Yogurt is a joke.
Audience: (laughs) (Applause)
Dan: It’s a joke.
End of Preview
John: (laughs) Dan and Jane Seaborn will explain some more contrast today between men and women and how those differences can impact your marriage. Uh, thanks for joining us. I’m John Fuller and our host is Focus on the Family President, Jim Daly.
Jim Daly: John, this is a great presentation from a Promise Keepers’ event recorded back in the 90s. And here’s why we’re airing this timeless message today. Uh, Dan is challenging men to really think about what it means to follow the biblical admonition to nourish and cherish your wife, in spite of all of the differences that you have in your relationship. Uh, let me quickly set up the visuals for you. Dan is speaking at a large stadium filled with men. And on stage he has a candle burning. And the flame represents the marriage. Later on you’ll hear him use a squirt gun and fire (laughs) extinguisher as he explains how that marriage flame can be extinguished.
John: Yeah, Dan is very creative on the stage.
John: And Dan Seaborn, for that reason, is a much sought-after speaker. He’s an author and the founder and president of Winning at Home. Uh, Jane Seaborn is a former math teacher who enjoys coaching women to love their husbands in practical ways. And here now are the Seaborn’s on today’s episode of Focus on the Family.
Dan: I wan- I wanna tell you guys that yesterday, um, I’m gonna do a little confession before I start. Yesterday I wasn’t a good husband. My wife and I flew down here, I’ve been traveling Alabama and other places. She’s sitting right here, she’s gonna do, do something in a minute with me. You’ll meet her, Jane. This week I’ve been up, three or four nights this week to 1:30 dealing with issues. I’m tired. I’d like to go home and not have issues for a few days. And some of you’re sitting here, and you got, like, big burdens about your fa- you’d love to bottle up what you felt this weekend and take it home. And didn’t start out there, did it? I mean, see, I remember thinking and hearing about marriage and family and going, “Oh man, when we get there, that’s gonna be fun and easy.” Oh my goodness.
Dan: Because I remember the first girl I ever dated. I thought I was gonna marry. I, that’s the unity candle that represents unity. I thought I was gonna get the unity candle with the first girl I ever liked. She was, she was a pretty girl, man. Sanja, her name is Sanja. And she, she could kiss good. I remember her really good. You kids are, you, your teens and kids here, remember that first one? And, and I remember I, uh, I, well, I liked her a lot and I struck the match. I struck the match with her that I thought was gonna get to the unity candle. I thought I was gonna marry that girl. I struck that match and it started burning and it burned out. I didn’t get to the unity candle with her. Didn’t make it. And then I left first grade and, uh…
Dan: And then, and in third grade I met Tina Harrison, little Tina Harrison. I grew up in South Carolina. She was a little South Carolina girl. I lit that match. And man, she was prettier than Sanja. And I thought I was gonna get the unity candle with, with Tina, but, uh, I didn’t make it, it burned out. And I kept striking matches just to watch them burn, country song. And, uh…
Dan: And, you know, I didn’t know it at the time, but a girl named Jane was striking matches too. And finally one day, I’m gonna tell you how I met Jane, ’cause I… one of the things I, I want you guys to know is I’m one of you. Uh, you sometimes see speakers get up your own stage and you probably have this thought like, “Oh, he wrote a book.” Let me say something about people that write books, whoopty doo. It just means that somebody did something, helped them get it there, okay? That don’t make you squat. But I want you to know, I am just like you. I struggle just like you. That’s what I want you to see. And so I, I wanna tell you how I met my wife because, you know, you’re probably looking you go, “Oh, oh, I bet he was out praying, and the Lord brought her walking up to him.” Nope. We were in college and she, uh, she was at a vending machine and I, I couldn’t even see her front side. She was at the vending machine, and she had put her money in and obviously the thing wasn’t working and it, it, it didn’t do it right. And it dropped it… You know, when it gets hung up in there? And the first time I saw her, she was…
Dan: She was reaching up like that right there. And I walked up, my buddy David Hyatt was wal-, it is a true story. I don’t lie when I speak, okay? I’m walking with my buddy, David Hyatt. Lives in Picking South Carolina. I was walking with David. I say, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” And I looked over and she, the, this girl, I didn’t know who it was at the time, but she was standing there getting that thing outta that vending machine. And I said to David, “I’m gonna go over there and help that girl. And if the front matches the back, we’re good to go.” That’s what I said.
Dan: Yeah. Yeah. So, so don’t walk up to me and say, “Oh, Mr. Spiritual guru.” Uh, uh.
Dan: I didn’t start out spiritual. And I struck that match, man, that girl, I talked her into it. We went out on a date. She didn’t really, she didn’t want a date. She said, you’ve heard this. She said, “I just wanna be friends.” I hate that man. But I tricked her finally and got her to liking me and we struck a match, and we lit our unity candle. I want you to know this, this summer it’s been burning for 25 years, a little over 10,000 days.
Dan: The problem is, the problem is we’re not alike. You know, I just can’t get her to see that she’s got some areas she’s got to really change for us to be alike.
Dan: And see, we are, we are really, really, really different people. In fact, I’m asking my wife to join me out here for a second. Help me welcome Jane. I wanna just show you how different we are. Come on out, babe. Uh, this is my wife Jane, 25 years. She’s a math teacher. So she uses her math part of her brain. I don’t even get math. I always say to people when X plus Y equals Z, it’s over, you know what I mean? I don’t, I don’t get that.
Dan: But what we’ve done here for your sake to help you understand how much like us and, you know, you are, and we are like you, we made a list of our differences. We did this, how long do you think 10 years ago we started doing this, and people enjoyed it. So I wanna just kind of show you some of our differences. Let’s do it, babe.
Jane: To start with I’m more of an introvert and being in front of you is not very comfortable for me.
Dan: Yep. That’s right.
Dan: But I told her if she’d do this, I’d take care of her later. So she’s willing to do it.
Dan: Just kidding. Just kidding, just kidding.
Jane: I like hot tea.
Dan: I like sweetened iced tea.
Jane: I don’t like to be sweaty.
Dan: Oh, I love to sweat.
Jane: To me, yellow lights mean you’re supposed to stop.
Dan: To me and yellow lights mean floor it, baby, floor it.
Audience: Yes. (Applause)
Jane: He drives way too fast.
Dan: She drives way too slow.
Jane: And I keep both eyes on the road when I’m driving.
Dan: I keep both my eyes on her when I’m driving.
Jane: And Dan drives too close to the car in front of him and too close to the center line when he’s driving.
Dan: And Jane drives too close to the center of every pothole in the stinking road when she drives.
Dan: You got a life like that? I’m like, “honey, didn’t you see it coming?”
Jane: I like grilled chicken.
Dan: I like my chicken deep fried in Crisco oil and covered in shake and bake.
Audience: Yeah. (Cheering)
Dan: We gotta do a women’s conference sometime so all the women will cheer for your stuff. (laughs)
Jane: I like d- whenever I stand in front of the mirror, it’s to primp and get ready.
Dan: I’m flexing, man. I’m checking it out, you know.
Jane: And I like for things to stay the same.
Dan: Yeah. I, I change something every day. It’s just my style.
Jane: Yeah. And when we disagree, he wants to just talk it to death.
Dan: And she, she’s the one that gets really quiet. And that just drives me crazy.
Jane: Um, when we golf, I’m patient with groups in front of us if we have to wait.
Dan: I like to sting the ball right off their forehead, man. Hey.
Dan: That ticks me off. Hurry up, hit the ball. You’re no good, that’s why you’re so slow.
Jane: I like to sleep in warm nighties.
Dan: I prefer to sleep in the buff.
Jane: And I, I enjoy watching movies like Sleepless in Seattle.
Dan: I fell asleep watching the movie Sleepless in Seattle.
Jane: I like quiet music.
Dan: Give me something with a beat.
Jane: Yeah. I like to eat at restaurants like The Olive Garden.
Dan: I like to eat at restaurants like Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Audience: Yeah. (Applause)
Jane: I like frozen yogurt.
Dan: Yogurt is a joke.
Dan: It’s a joke.
Jane: I wouldn’t say I’m good, but I’m okay around the house with a tool.
Dan: You’re, you’re very, she’s very good with tools. I’m actually not good with tools. You’re good with tools.
Jane: Yeah. I prefer a good massage.
Dan: I like to be very lightly scratched.
Jane: And I think it’s important to look nice to, when you read-, lea- when you leave the house.
Dan: It does not matter how you look when you leave your house.
Jane: (laughs) Um, I like the color fuchsia.
Jane: I like for my undergarments to be neat and clean.
Dan: Holes, baby. Big holes.
Jane: (laughs) I prefer to shower alone.
Dan: I prefer to shower together.
Audience: Yeah. (Cheers)
Jane: I think kittens are cute.
Audience: (laughs) (Woot, woot!)
Dan: Thank you.
Jane: I always iron my clothes.
Dan: Wrinkles are cool.
Jane: (laughs) I, I love to watch shows like CSI.
Dan: I love to watch shows like ESPN.
Audience: Yeah. (Cheers)
Jane: I prefer small groups.
Dan: I like a big crowd.
Jane: And I would never, ever yell at a ref at a ball game.
Dan: You know, somebody’s gotta tell those clowns when they’re wrong, you know?
Audience: (laughs) yeah.
Dan: Sometimes if we’re at a game and, like, I’m yelling at a ref or something, you know? I hardly ever do it, when I do it, uh, Jane will be like, “Honey, they recognize your voice, you know?” Cause I do radio and stuff. And so I’ll go, “You ref, you’re an idiot. Get outta here”
Dan: Change your voice, you know? If you’re a ref you’re, God bless you, thanks for your ministry by the way.
Jane: When I see a sign, I follow the rules.
Dan: I don’t even see the signs.
Jane: When I’m sick I don’t whine.
Dan: I don’t mean to, but I need her when I’m sick.
Jane: I, I don’t think that physical intimacy needs to be such a big focus in a marriage.
Dan: I agree. I think once a day’s plenty.
Dan: Okay. I don’t have a lot of time. It’s gonna be your afternoon if we get out of here late.
Jane: But sometimes his parents drive me crazy.
Jane: I will stop and ask for directions.
Dan: God has blessed me with an internal compass. (laughs)
Jane: And in spite of all of these and many, many more differences I still love this man.
Dan: Yeah, I love you too, babe. You’re awesome. Thank you.
Dan: Take that. Thank you. Well, I, I share that with you on purpose because I want you to know before I say what I’m about to say about this candle, before I tell you how to keep it burning. Before I tell you, what Satan’s trying to do to put yours out. I want you to understand you’re not looking at a couple that just get in their home and just everything flows along. Like no, not at all in the Seaborn home. I told you I was up three or four nights this week to 1:30, okay? You get it? I got a 21-year-old, a 18-year-old, a 16-year-old, am a 12-year-old. We got issues in our house. You get it? Okay?
Dan: So I’m trying to help you understand I relate to your life. And so, what I have to do is instead of saying, “Dan’s got the answers.” Instead of saying that I wanna show you, I wanna show you what’s happening in our society. I want you as a group of guys to step back for a second and I want you to look at your life, ’cause some of you are 12 and you’re striking matches. Some of you are 21 and you’re thinking about that girl, you’re dating her, and you’re really close to asking her. Some of you have been through five divorces. I don’t know but somebody here’s been divorced five times and you’re going, “What’s wrong with me? How can I do it?” Well, the first thing I want you to know is that candle that’s burning up there, I want you to get this, this is real important. You gotta step back and see it. We think that marriage is about us like me and Jane, it’s not. When God designed marriage, he looked down from heaven and was like, “Okay. I gotta somehow, um, have these people understand what heaven’s supposed to look like. So if I can get a man…” And this is all throughout the scripture, Revelations, Ephesians. “I-if I can get a man to act like Christ and a woman to act like the church, um, I’ll put them together and I’ll have a little piece of heaven on earth.” And God goes, “Oh, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll design a man and a woman to stay married for life and I’ll give them… Oh, then the kids growing up in that house, they’ll be like, “Oh, this is like heaven.”” And so Satan said, you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna cause divorce and I’m gonna tear this family to shreds and I’m gonna help kids learn what it is to grow up in hell on earth. And let me just ask you guys a question here, okay? Li-listen, would you say that your home, as you look at it, would you say it’s more like heaven or more like hell? I’ll be honest with you and tell you, there are days I feel like mine, just a little piece of hell. But my goal is as a man, listen to me, you guys sitting in this room, li-listen to me. You are the owners of the responsibility of loving your wife and children in awesome and crazy ways, okay? And I’m gonna show you right now. I’m out to do it really quick here.
Dan: Up here on this thing, now I want you to look. We got a candle burning. And I wanna show you what’s happening in our society. Let me tell you why I see some of you men do it. You’re doing it right now in your houses. You did it before you came here. Some of you have put, like, this globe over your marriage candle, and you’re snuffing your own marriage out. You’re not honoring your wife. You’re not celebrating her. You’re not lifting her up. You don’t encourage her. You don’t say things to her like, “I cherish you. I love you. I wanna be a good husband to you.” And you’ve put out the candle. There’s no oxygen to give candle flame to this thing. See? It’s out. And it’s just a little puff of smoke left. If I, if I light this candle and I get it going. And it gets to burning there’s enough oxygen in this place right here that it’s not going out as long as that wick is there. And you as men need to understand a lot of you go, “Why am I having so much trouble in my family? Why am I struggling with my children? Why is my marriage not doing well?” Because you are snuffing it out by the way you live. Yesterday I was snuffing out my marriage. I was being critical. Jane couldn’t do anything right on the plane down here. I’d be like, “Well, why are you doing that?” And she finally just looked at me and said, “Can I do anything right?” She was right. I had to turn to my wife yesterday and say, “Baby, I’m wrong. I’m being terrible.” I said, “Here I am going down there to speak to all these guys and as the husband right now, I mean, I’m not doing good at all. I’m just terrible.”
John: You’re listening to Focus on The Family and that’s Dan Seaborn being very transparent. And, uh, we have a CD of this program with extra content available to you for a gift of any amount to the ministry. Just call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. 800-232-6459 or donate and request the CD at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Dan: Let me tell you something else that’s going on in our society. Oh, yeah. They’re kind of shooting at that candle. And they’re saying, you know what? Marriage isn’t a man and a woman. Marriage is a man and a man. Marriage is a man and adultery. And marriage is a man having a couple of women to sleep around with. Marriage is a man with his girls at the bar. And they’re shooting at your candle saying, “Oh, go ahead and put it out, man. It’s silly. Just put it out.” Society’s trying to redefine marriage. Let me just say this really bold and really strong. And you get in trouble for this in our nation. So I’m getting in trouble right now. Marriage was designed by God; you didn’t come up with it and I didn’t come up with it. God came up with it. If he came up with it, don’t mess with it. Don’t mess with it.
Dan: So, so while, while society shoots at it, you keep yours burning. Keep teaching your children that marriage is got manmade, marriage is God made. And the next thing, oh, Satan, man. He’s sneaky. He’s walking around looking for some couple he can just blow out of the water. Oh yeah. He’s ready. He’s walking around going, “Boy, if I can put that flame out.” I’ll tell you how he does this. He does this with, um, uh, adultery, pornography. (fire extinguisher sound) A lot of you right now know that in your life (fire extinguisher sound) Satan’s shooting pornography all over you. Tried to shoot it at me last night, I stayed right here in the Marriott with my wife, Jane, laying in bed last night late. Tried to shoot it at me, man. Some trash came on television. I said, “Jane, gotta turn it off, babe. I gotta turn it off.” And I’m telling you, get some protection ’cause Satan wants to use that trash to knock down your marriage. And you boys who are here that are 12, 13, 14, 15, 11, 10, 9, 8, when I was your age, I started seeing it and it messed me up. Even as a young boy, I didn’t realize it, but Satan was putting that stuff (fire extinguisher sound) in my life, and I let myself look at it and it messed me up. Took me years to work out of it and I still have to be careful. You say you cu- I, I remember one time talking to my grandpa, he was 80 rocking on his front porch. And I said to him, “Boy, grandpa, I can’t wait till I’m your age and don’t struggle with seeing women and all that stuff.” He was rocking. He stopped on his rocker up on the front and the little porch and six miles south. He rocked up on the front and he goes, “What are you talking about, boy?” He’s 80.
Dan: I’m like, “grandpa, you, like, see a woman that still messes with you?” And he was like, “Whoa boy, whoa boy.”
Dan: So I’m figuring this never stops. So what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do in a world when you walk in the malls, pretty much the women are nude in the pictures? Well, the Bible says as men you’re to go home and you are to love your wife, Ephesians chapter five verse 25, as Christ loved the church. You need to go home and love her that way. And it starts, it starts with you praying for her. It’d be awesome if some of you’d walk through the door and the first thing before you say anything you say, “Babe, come here a second. The Lord’s spoken to me this weekend. We’re gonna pray together that all the stuff he’s put in my heart, the, the Lord will guide me through it.” ‘Cause you gotta know like, like as soon as you hit these exits, as soon as you hit, see these exits, Satan’s sitting out there in the parking lot going, “Come on out, boy. (fire extinguisher sound) Come on out. I’ve been waiting for you to dismiss so I can dis-” And he’s waiting for you. And you gotta go, “No, Satan. I claim through the blood of Jesus Christ that I can go home and love my wife, love my kids like Christ loved the church.” That’s what you gotta do.
Audience: (Applause and cheering)
Dan: And then, and then I’m gonna challenge you guys to do something. And I wanna tell you, like, listen. I gotta tell you why it matters. It gonna take me a second. I gotta tell you a story to set up why it matters. When my boys were six and three, when they were six and three, um, I started doing something with them. We didn’t have very much money at all, but I, I’m a, I’m a big NBA fan, man. I love, I love it. And I wanted to buy basketball cards, little packs of them when I was like, you know, young married, etc. But we didn’t have a lot of money. And, you know, we had kids two boys, six and three and, and, you know, Jane didn’t like me spend that money. So I couldn’t buy them from me. So I started buying them for the kids. You can justify it, you know? I, like, “Jane, I had to get these for the boys, you know?” And then I took them away from them, you know?
Dan: And then, and then we, we, uh, we started doing this. And when they were little, I’d tuck them in bed, I’d pray over them and then I would say, um, “Did, did you guys look under your pillows?” And they’re like, “What do you mean, Dad?” I said, “Look under your pillows.” And that, that first night they reached back, and they pulled out from under their pillows, little pack of NBA cards. And man, we would run over, we went on Allen’s bed, and we opened those cards up and it was, it was a festival. I, it was like, “Did you get a Michael Jordan?” It was a big thing, getting a Jordan, you know? So we opened those cards up, pull them out. We looked through them and if you got a Jordan, it was like, couldn’t even sleep, so excited. So we did this for a long time. And for years, those boys are six and three and I did it for years and years and years. And I did that on bed when they had tough days, I’d put them a little pack of cards. I’d play all kind of games with them. But to make the story short, I, the other week, uh, had a really, really tough couple of weeks. Uh, that deal I was telling you, I stayed up to 1:30 wasn’t going so good. And, and I, I had one of those days. I don’t know if you’ve ever had this. I actually went to bed early, like about 8:00, 8:30. I went to bed early so nothing else bad could happen that day. You ever had one of those days?
Dan: I said to Jane, “I’m going to bed. If the phone rings don’t tell me.” So I went to bed, I’m laying in bed. I’m trying to go to sleep. I’m, I’m restless. You’ve been there. And I’m laying in bed and, and, um, my sons came in that night to, to tuck us in. We have reached an age in our life where our kids tuck us in. I ask for cookies; I tell them I gotta pee. I do all kind of stuff.
Dan: And that’s sad, but that is true. But I, I finished, you know, Alan came in, I should say and he, he went over to his mom. He’s 21. He prayed for his mom and gave her a good night kiss. Then he came around to my side of the bed and I was at, at in/out stage, you know? And I was there just kind of, “Hey, Allen.” He goes, “Hey, Dad.” And he, he gave me a kiss on my head, and he goes, “Dad, I love you. I know you’ve been having a hard time.” And said, “I pray for you. You’re a good dad.” “Thanks son. Good night.” “Good night. And he started to walk away. And he was leaving the room. He looked back and he said, “Hey, Dad. Did you check under your pillow?”
Dan: No lie. And I went, don’t mess with me, man. Don’t, don’t mess with me. He goes, “No, seriously.” And I reached my hand back behind my pillow and I, I honestly started crying. And I pulled that little NBA pack out from behind my head. And he had written a note on it and said, “Hey dad, I know you’ve been having a tough couple week. I wanted you to know that you’re an awesome dad and I love you. P.S. Don’t ever forget to check under your pillow.” It’s what the little note said. I started crying like that. I mean, it was awesome. And I said, “Well, come on. Sit on the bed with me. Let’s open them up. So he came and he sat on the bed with me. When we opened it up, didn’t get [inaudible] And, and, uh, we sat there.
Dan: But you know what, it didn’t, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter. Now, here’s why I told you that little story. Listen to me very carefully. Four weeks ago, that 21-year-old boy stepped on a bus and moved to South Africa. I won’t see him for one year. He is going to work with AIDS orphans. And he got on that bus and, and I started crying. A big bus came through, several people going, drive them to the airport. And I’m, I’m standing here crying like a baby. I, I had, by the way, snuck a pack of NBA cards in his suitcase.
Dan: He didn’t get anything.
Dan: And, um, so, so he’s standing on the bottom ledge of the bottom step to get on that big bus to go. And I’m, I’m out here standing by the car and I’m waving and I’m crying. I’m crying hard. My wife, Jane, the one you just met. She walked up, she put her arm through my arm. She’s crying like crazy. And then she said this to me, “Honey, we’ve tried to stay married and give him a good example. We’ve loved him all these years and we’ve worked for 21 years to give him to God. Let’s let him go.” And we cried together.
Dan: And I said, I said to my wife, I said, “Baby, we’ve given him a lot of things. I’ve given him cards. We’ve given him this. We’ve support him to go to Africa. But I think probably one of the greatest gifts we ever gave him,” you ready, “that flame’s still burning.”
Dan: And today, I’m not stupid, I know some of you are single parents and you’d love for your flame to still be burning. I want you to understand that your witness as a parent, even through a divorce, is huge. Single parents are some of the greatest examples of Christ I’ve ever seen. And I wanna tell you today, and my challenge for you as the Lord would help you, listen to me, the Lord would help you, go home and be men who keep the candle burning. Listen, stay married for life.
John: Well, we’re gonna have to end right there with a great message from Dan Seaborn and his wife, Jane. And our thanks to our friends at Promise Keepers for letting us share this message with you today.
Jim: Yeah, we’re running out of time, so let’s wrap up with some follow up resources for your marriage. I’d encourage you to get a CD of this presentation from Dan Seaborn. It’ll have some extra content that we weren’t able to include on the broadcast side. We’ll send it out to you for a donation of any amount as you join us in our mission to help marriages thrive. If you can visit us online, you’ll find a free marriage assessment that you can take. It’s about a 10-minute survey that will help you, uh, see the strengths and weaknesses in your relationship and then will lead you to resources that will help you improve those weaker areas. It’s a great learning tool designed by our own Dr. Greg Smalley. So look for the marriage assessment when you visit the Focus on The Family website. And then finally, if your marriage is in serious trouble, I’d encourage you to consider attending a Hope Restored four day intensive. Our talented counselors will help you get to the root of your issues and learn a better way to communicate as a couple. It’s an incredibly effective program with an over 80% success rate when we survey those couples two years later. Remember, Focus on The Family is here to help you. So please reach out to us.
John: And we’re just a phone call away. Uh, our number is 800-AFAMILY. 800-232-6459, or we can donate online and request your CD and, uh, take that marriage assessment and learn more about Hope Restored. It’s all at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. And next time you’ll hear the remarkable reunion of a birth mom and her son 48 years later.
Nina Hendee: And when I thought of the baby, I had such peaks because of choosing life. And then God said, “And here he is.”
End of Preview
John: On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for listening today to Focus on The Family. I’m John Fuller inviting you back as we, once again, help you and your family thrive in Christ.