Fallout of an Affair: Low Self-Esteem and Forgiveness Issues

Could my feelings of inferiority have anything to do with an inability to forgive my husband for being unfaithful with a close friend of mine? The affair happened a year ago, but we've since reconciled and our marriage is on track to become something much better than it has ever been before. In spite of this, I still struggle with a sense of low self-esteem. Is there some kind of connection here?

Only God knows your heart, but we don’t believe your problems are necessarily rooted in an inability to forgive. It’s far more likely that you’ve simply failed to address the issues that led to the affair in the first place. Your husband’s infidelity was probably just a symptom of deeper, more complex issues; and while we’re glad to know that your relationship has dramatically improved, we think it’s only fair to warn you that these improvements may prove to be superficial if you don’t make an effort to get to the heart of the matter.

Once a problem is exposed and the negative behavior has ended, many people tell themselves that all is well and everyone should simply move on. This can be misleading and dangerous. A difficult or disturbing experience of some kind can alter a person’s negative behavior, but this doesn’t mean that he or she will be equipped with healthier coping skills the next time trials or temptations arise. It’s easy to say that “time heals all wounds,” but the fact is that very little healing can occur unless the distorted thought processes and root issues behind your husband’s adultery are found and treated. A paradigm shift has to take place at the heart of your marriage. Without that shift, you can become hopelessly trapped in an ongoing pattern of grief, anger or depression.

Where your feelings of low self-esteem are concerned, we believe there are two things you need to understand. First, the affair was not your fault. You could be extraordinarily beautiful, brilliant and accomplished in your role as a wife, and your husband could still choose the sin of adultery. On the other hand, you might be significantly below average in every area and your husband could still have decided to stay faithful to his wedding vows. In the final analysis, there’s an important sense in which his actions have nothing to do with you. Ultimately, they’re an expression of his own free will.

The second thing you need to remember is this: it usually takes two people to make a marriage more vulnerable to negative influences. You may think that this statement contradicts the first one, but it’s been our observation that both are true. It’s possible, for instance, that while the affair was not your fault, you have nevertheless fallen into a pattern of co-dependent behavior. This is common among individuals who have been injured by infidelity. The more they are betrayed, the more they unknowingly find themselves attracted to people who betray. As a result, they unwittingly encourage further incidents of the same kind and develop a distorted self-image.

You can evaluate and address all of these potential problems with the help of a skilled Christian counselor. We strongly suggest that you and your husband seek marital counseling together. You have a number of options in this regard: for example, you can go to weekly sessions or to a one-time brief intensive therapy program which is three to ten days long. These can be life-changing and life-giving experiences. If you need assistance locating a qualified therapist, feel free to call Focus on the Family’s Counseling department. Our staff can provide you with a list of professional marriage and family specialists practicing in your area. They’d also be more than happy to discuss your situation with you over the phone.

In the meantime, we’d like to recommend that you get a copy of Dave Carder’s book Torn Asunder and study it together. This resource can be ordered by calling our offices or visiting our Online Store.



Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair

Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis

My Heart is Broken

Happily Even After

Nothing to Hide: Hope for Marriages Hurt by Pornography and Infidelity

Hope Restored® marriage intensives

Marriage Alive

Recovering From an Affair

Lies That Can Hinder Your Recovery From an Affair

Rebuilding After an Affair

Affairs and Adultery

Dr. Bill Maier on Forgiveness and Restoration

Restoration: Four Hurdles You Must Face

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