Custom CSS of Section contains Conditional Preview for See Life Campaign Elements

SAVE LIVES!
See Life 2021
Double your gift now!
Yes, I will help save babies from abortion!
$

4 Unhelpful Questions for Struggling Couples to Avoid

Share:
Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest
Share on print
Share on email
4 Unhelp Questions for Struggling Couples to Avoid
As you struggle to hold your marriage together and consider attending a Hope Restored marriage intensive, it might be helpful to think about damage control.

We live in challenging and uncertain times. You may be cooped up at home with each other more than you are accustomed to, which can lead to strained and stressful interactions, even in the best of relationships. As you struggle to hold your marriage together and consider attending a Hope Restored program, it might be helpful to think about damage control.

In other words, what can you do to avoid making your relationship more stressful?

Four unhelpful questions to avoid when talking to each other.

Couples who spin out into conflict tend to find themselves arguing about the following questions:

  • “What really happened?”
  • “Who is right and who is wrong?”
  • “Whose fault is it?”
  • “What needs to be done?”

Sound familiar?

You might not pose the above questions directly, but rather imply them within statements like:

“No that’s not the way it was. What you really said or did was this” or “How long you really spent doing that thing was…”

“That’s not the way I remember it! What happened first was…” or “What you really said was…”

“If you would only do this rather than that, everything would be okay”.

“I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t done or said…. !”

These questions, especially the first three, are laced with judgment and blame. The last question (“What needs to be done?”), is important, but couples often ask it too soon. It’s a question that easily gets twisted into a quarrel over who gets their own way, that is, until couples are willing to look beneath the surface of their conflict.

The issue is not what it seems.

Couples get mired into conflict, but not for the reasons they think. Most think it’s about the surface details of what was said, or who did what first, or how much (or how little) time was spent, or whose turn is it to do the dishes then take out the trash, and on and on it goes.

In most cases, there are deeper matters of the heart at play that are easy to miss when couples focus on these questions; deeper matters for both individuals.

Talking around these kinds of questions too much, too soon is like focusing only on the tip of an iceberg sticking up above the waterline. Experts tell us that about 10% of an iceberg hovers above the water’s surface while 90% of the iceberg floats below. Like the SS Titanic disaster, a couple’s boat sinks when they ignore, yet still bump into deeper feelings, fears, and wants that make up the mountain of ice beneath the waterline.

A helpful question to ask.

One helpful question for couples to keep before them is, “Are we having an ‘above’ the waterline conversation, or are we in a ‘below’ the waterline conversation?” Are we getting mired in minute details or pointing fingers of blame, or are we taking the time to safely discuss each other’s feelings, fears, and wants around an issue or situation?

If you notice you’re in an “above” the waterline conversation, hit the “pause” button. Take what could be called a “time-out.” Maybe offer to shift the conversation to a safer topic, go to another room, or take a walk. Do something that gives yourself the space to calm and become curious about what is taking place beneath the waterline for you and your spouse.

One thing is for certain: Continuing to engage in “above” the waterline arguments will poke gaping holes in your relationship and turn it into a sinking ship. The best you can hope for is to keep bailing water as fast as possible from your leaky marriage. On the other hand, taking the time to engage in “below” the waterline conversations that center around matters of each other’s heart helps to repair holes in your relationship and build a more resilient ship.

Paying attention to what’s going on in each other’s hearts first puts couples in a better position to navigate perilous waters. It also sets the conditions for them to relate to each other more as allies rather than enemies. It helps them work together as a team to find answers to the question, “What are we going to do?” that feels like a win-win for both.

Even if your spouse is currently unwilling to focus beneath the waterline, your willingness to explore what’s going on in your heart as well as care about your spouse, is still healthy for you. Research by the Gottman Institute has shown that those who attempt repair and receive repair when there has been a rupture in the relationship, have an 85% more chance of sustaining well- being in a relationship. Put your focus where it matters most. Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored team is just a call away and ready to help.

There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage

You may feel that there is no hope for your marriage and the hurt is too deep to restore the relationship and love that you once had. The truth is, your life and marriage can be better and stronger than it was before. In fact, thousands of marriages, situations as complex and painful as yours, have been transformed with the help of professionals who understand where you are right now and care deeply about you and your spouse’s future. You can restore and rebuild your marriage through a personalized, faith-based, intimate program called, Hope Restored.

Dynamic CTA Template Below

Your Teen Needs You Most of All

No parent of teens is perfect and even the best can learn how to better connect with their son or daughter. Get practical action steps to better connect with your teenager in 8 Essential Tips for Parenting Your Teen in this FREE video series!

There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage

You may feel that there is no hope for your marriage and the hurt is too deep to restore the relationship and love that you once had. The truth is, your life and marriage can be better and stronger than it was before. In fact, thousands of marriages, situations as complex and painful as yours, have been transformed with the help of professionals who understand where you are right now and care deeply about you and your spouse’s future. You can restore and rebuild your marriage through a personalized, faith-based, intimate program called, Hope Restored.

There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage

You may feel that there is no hope for your marriage and the hurt is too deep to restore the relationship and love that you once had. The truth is, your life and marriage can be better and stronger than it was before. In fact, thousands of marriages, situations as complex and painful as yours, have been transformed with the help of professionals who understand where you are right now and care deeply about you and your spouse’s future. You can restore and rebuild your marriage through a personalized, faith-based, intimate program called, Hope Restored.

There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage

You may feel that there is no hope for your marriage and the hurt is too deep to restore the relationship and love that you once had. The truth is, your life and marriage can be better and stronger than it was before. In fact, thousands of marriages, situations as complex and painful as yours, have been transformed with the help of professionals who understand where you are right now and care deeply about you and your spouse’s future. You can restore and rebuild your marriage through a personalized, faith-based, intimate program called, Hope Restored.
Emerson-Eggerich4-840w

Understand How to Respect and Love your Son Well

Why doesn’t my son listen to me? Have you ever asked that question? The truth is, how you see your son and talk to him has a significant effect on how he thinks and acts. That’s why we want to help you. In fact, we’ve created a free five-part video series called “Recognizing Your Son’s Need for Respect” that will help you understand how showing respect, rather than shaming and badgering, will serve to motivate and guide your son.

Reconnected: The Digital Experience

Is the love there, but not the spark? Reawaken fun in your marriage and move from roommates to soulmates again with the help of this 7-part online video experience. Learn how to connect emotionally and spiritually as husband and wife using techniques such as dreaming together and establishing deep, heartfelt communication. The Digital Experience includes 7 teaching videos, an online study guide and access to additional tools and resources to help spouses reconnect.
Share:
Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest
Share on print
Share on email

About the Author

Read More About:

You May Also Like

Wife looking down after a tense conversation with her husband, who is sitting arms crossed in the background in the background
Conflict Resolution

How to Know When Your Marriage Is in Trouble

Marriage problems vary in complexity. You can solve most marriage trouble without help from a professional counselor. However some situations indicate you should consider guidance from an expert.

Young couple arguing on a couch about annoying habits
Dealing with Differences

Coping With Your Spouse’s Annoying Habit

After being married for a while, your spouse’s patterns can turn from cute quirks to annoying habits. Figuring out how to cope so that you don’t become highly critical of your spouse is important.

Play Video

Newest Release - Episode 2: Heroes Providing Hope

Discover the amazing work our PRC’s Directors, Nurses, and Volunteers are making in their communities! You’ll see firsthand testimonies of a PRC in action, and that there are other options outside of abortions! You’ll also discover how your family can support your local PRC!

Yes, I Promise to Pray for the Pre-born and Their Moms!

Will you pray for the pre-born and moms that are facing unexpected pregnancies? We will send you a 7-day prayer guide that will help guide you along this journey with us!! You can even choose to receive this great resource by text!

Play Video

Newest Release - Episode 1: The Truth About Life!

In this episode, we will tackle tough questions like, “When does life begin?” and “What does the Bible
say about Life?” You’ll discover and understand the stages of pre-born life and that babies are more than
just a clump of cells!

Yes, I Promise to Pray for the Pre-born and Their Moms!

Will you pray for the pre-born and moms that are facing unexpected pregnancies? We will send you a 7-day prayer guide that will help guide you along this journey with us!! You can even choose to receive this great resource by text!

Play Video

Newest Release - Episode 3: The Power of a Picture

Have you ever wondered what a baby looked like in the womb? With today’s technology, Moms and Dads can see the baby’s heartbeat, facial expressions, and movements! You’ll find out why more women choose life once they hear their baby’s heartbeat and realize it’s a real living human!

Yes, I Promise to Pray for the Pre-born and Their Moms!

Will you pray for the pre-born and moms that are facing unexpected pregnancies? We will send you a 7-day prayer guide that will help guide you along this journey with us!! You can even choose to receive this great resource by text!

Tell Your Story

By sharing your struggles and triumphs, God can transform your courage into hope and faith for others!