I’ve become sexually involved with another woman. What should I do?

By G. Harrison Jones
Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest
Share on print
Share on email
A woman standing outside

I never thought a homosexual relationship would be part of my life story. Bewildered, I am admitting that it is. If someone could address this complicated situation with truth from God's Word, I would truly appreciate it, especially where to go from here.

Recently we received the following letter:

I am a woman in my 20s and have developed a very close friendship with another woman. At first, we just spent a lot of time together, but eventually it developed into a sexual relationship. I lost my virginity to her, and we have been sexually involved for about four months. We both go through stages of repentance and guilt, and then we become sexually involved again.

She has had this kind of relationship in the past. I know with all my heart doing this is wrong. My friend seems to be OK with doing this at times and doesn’t seem as emotionally devastated as I am. We are so close and have spent so much time together that I have really become attached to her, and now with the sexual involvement, even more so. So what should I do? Avoid her?

We have both discussed this numerous times and both agreed never to let it happen again. Yet it does. I never thought a homosexual relationship would be part of my life story. Bewildered, I am admitting that it is. If someone could address this complicated situation with truth from God’s Word, I would truly appreciate it, especially where to go from here.

Here is how we responded:

Thank you for writing. When it comes to same-sex romanticism — especially with the misassumptions and pressures connected to the homosexual topic today — I know this takes courage.

That’s why I want to bolster your faith. You are sensitive to His plan for your life and seeking His answers — He is with you even when it’s difficult. Christ’s invitation is indeed to grace and restoration when misplaced sexual expression occurs. In the biblical story of the woman at the well who was in a cycle of sexual sin (John 4), the Lord met her greatest needs by giving His love and treating her with dignity.

And I believe that is where you find yourself — with Jesus, at your own “well.” Thus, I invite you to deeply ponder the following as you grow to understand your situation:

Eventually, any pleasurable relationship or behavior that does not accurately point and connect us to Christ easily becomes a lesser-fulfilling counterfeit god.

Once it has become our God-substitute, we cannot readily abandon its half-satisfying yet guilt-inducing comfort in order to seek and grasp the real thing himself. For many, this is a starting point to explain why they’re habitually attached to something they do not truly want. Call it “idolatry,” “addiction” or merely “meeting legitimate needs in illegitimate ways.” All are potentially accurate.

When your relationship with this woman began to meet desperately unfulfilled needs for acceptance, safety or solidarity in your life, my guess is the Enemy tempted you with his cunning sleight of hand. He, along with human fallen nature, led you to want the emotional and physical comfort of the relationship as an ultimate thing, rather than keeping it as a moral friendship that might contribute to your connection with God.

In Emotional Dependency and How to Keep Your Friendships Healthy Lori Rentzel makes an important remark. I suggest you study her resource. She states:

Whether or not physical involvement exists, sin takes place when a friendship becomes a dependent relationship. Yet we all have a deep need, placed in us by God, for intimate fellowship.

Your desire for deep friendship is not the problem nor is it frowned upon by the Lord. He just does not want it to be your god. He knows our relational thirsts and placed those in us as an echo of being made in His image, but what we sometimes miss is how to avoid turning potentially good things into ultimate things. God must be the highest of all beings in our lives because no lover, friend, spouse, job, possession or habit can be the Ultimate Comforter.

Once “emotional dependency” forms, there can be mutual stagnation and excessive closeness that is resistant to outside influence. The relationship comes to possess and preoccupy the individuals. Ironically, its intensity often leads to smothering and an eventual implosion. Such “emotional fusing” is a common genesis for some forms of female-to-female sexual involvement.

Further, our human emotions, bodies and wills have difficulty changing directions once sexual connections occur. I observe the effects of misplaced sexuality as one example of Hebrews 12:1 — “sin which clings so closely.” That passage says to be very intentional and active in responding. It says “lay aside” anything that hinders so that you can persevere, fixing your eyes on Jesus.

Practically speaking, that looks different for each person. While it’s important to stop acting in ways that violate your beliefs and bond you sexually, getting back on track is not merely about stopping behavior. It’s about addressing underlying history that leaves you vulnerable in this area of life.

That’s why I urge you toward Christian counseling that can help with personalized insights and provide productive actions.

I’ll leave you with these initial steps in your process of growth and experiencing God’s healing grace:

  • Understand it’s unlikely that regular contact in this now-intensified friendship can be maintained in a healthy way for you at this stage of your growth and development.
  • Thus, prepare with a counselor how to best detach and distance from this relationship. As you get wise and practical boundary-making input, it’s respectful to yourself as well as your friend to communicate these calmly and clearly.
  • Prepare for feelings of grief and loss (by both parties) as you obediently “lay aside” (Hebrews 12:1) this dependent relationship.
  • Learn to recognize and be honest about your own manipulations that keep the relationship going (Jeremiah 17:9). Clearly and specifically define your desired plan and boundaries on paper and be accountable for learning to live by them.
  • In counseling, address the deeper issues that left you emotionally vulnerable to this form of dependency.
  • Stay in touch with a trustworthy friend and mentor. Allow yourself to be open as well as appropriately nurtured.
  • Ask God to do a deep work in your heart. Yet be sure you are not doing life in a way that keeps Him from His work.
  • Cultivate healthy friendships. Get input and coaching about any fears and blockades.

There is much more you will learn. You won’t do it perfectly, yet He loves you anyway. With the help of others who share your values, walk toward Him and away from any substitutes for security that have taken you where you don’t want to go.

© 2013 Focus on the Family.

Share:
Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest
Share on print
Share on email

About the Author

G. Harrison Jones

G. Harrison Jones is licensed therapist  on staff with Focus on the Family. His professional experiences and studies include issues of human sexuality and a biblical sexual ethic. He has extensive experience in counseling individuals and couples affected by sexual concerns, infidelity and pornography addiction. Helping clients live toward personal integrity and seeing God’s redemptive plan amid their presenting issues …

Thank you [field id="first_name"] for signing up to get the free downloads of the Marrying Well Guides. 

Click the image below to access your guide and learn about the counter-cultural, biblical concepts of intentionality, purity, community and Christian compatibility.

(For best results use IE 8 or higher, Firefox, Chrome or Safari)

To stay up-to-date with the latest from Boundless, sign up for our free weekly e-newsletter.


If you have any comments or questions about the information included in the Guide, please send them to [email protected]

Click here to return to Boundless

Focus on the Family

Thank you for submitting this form. You will hear from us soon. 

The Daily Citizen

The Daily Citizen from Focus on the Family exists to be your most trustworthy news source. Our team of analysts is devoted to giving you timely and relevant analysis of current events and cultural trends – all from a biblical worldview – so that you can be inspired and assured that the information you share with others comes from a reliable source.

Alive to Thrive is a biblical guide to preventing teen suicide. Anyone who interacts with teens can learn how to help prevent suicidal thinking through sound practical and clinical advice, and more importantly, biblical principles that will provide a young person with hope in Christ.

Bring Your Bible to School Day Logo Lockup with the Words Beneath

Every year on Bring Your Bible to School Day, students across the nation celebrate religious freedom and share God’s love with their friends. This event is designed to empower students to express their belief in the truth of God’s Word–and to do so in a respectful way that demonstrates the love of Christ.

Focus on the Family’s® Foster Care and Adoption program focuses on two main areas:

  • Wait No More events, which educate and empower families to help waiting kids in foster care

  • Post-placement resources for foster and adoptive families

Christian Counselors Network

Find Christian Counselors, Marriage & Family Therapists, Psychologists, Social Workers and Psychiatrists near you! Search by location, name or specialty to find professionals in Focus on the Family’s Christian Counselors Network who are eager to assist you.

Boundless is a Focus on the Family community for Christian young adults who want to pursue faith, relationships and adulthood with confidence and joy.

Through reviews, articles and discussions, Plugged In exists to shine a light on the world of popular entertainment while giving you and your family the essential tools you need to understand, navigate and impact the culture in which we live.

Have you been looking for a way to build your child’s faith in a fun and exciting way?
Adventures in Odyssey® audio dramas will do just that. Through original audio stories brought to life by actors who make you feel like part of the experience; these fictional, character-building dramas use storytelling to teach lasting truths.

Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored all-inclusive intensives offer marriage counseling for couples who are facing an extreme crisis in their marriage, and who may even feel they are headed for divorce.