Todd’s first wife left him and their two girls, essentially, for her drug addiction. She just disappeared. His second wife duped him, he told me. “She pretended to be a Christian, but as soon as we married, she completely changed. She was erratic and hostile to my girls — and cared nothing for the Lord. So when I met Carla, I was really careful. I didn’t rush to get married. She has proven to be a wonderful Christian woman, and we basically get along well. But we still struggle with some things.”
Carla then explained that their sex life had taken a downward turn. “Initially, we were very comfortable with each other sexually,” she added, “but lately, I just can’t get past the stress of his girls, and he seems uncertain of me all of a sudden.” I asked Todd what she meant. “My second wife made a fool out of me, and I vowed never to let that happen again. The conflict between Carla and my girls has me wondering if I’ve made another mistake. It’s hard to be intimate sexually when I’m not sure which direction my family is headed.”
Carla and Todd were dealing with one of the sexual pitfalls that are common to a blended family marriage. Stress negatively impacts a marriage, of course. But in a blended family, the nature of the stressors can be different from a non-blended family, as seen in Carla and Todd’s story. Some unique stressors include navigating the stepparent role, helping children grieve the past and accept the present as well as working across households with a former spouse to parent children. Couples need to attend to these and other unique stressors so they don’t disconnect from each other and slip into a sexual pitfall.
Here are five common sexual pitfalls to avoid in a blended family marriage.
Pitfall #1: Insecurity
Your perceived value to your partner and how you think about yourself as a sexual person either helps you relax into sexual vulnerability or makes you cautious and scrutinizing; it either opens you up or closes you off. Given the painful rejections in his previous marriages Todd’s withdrawal from sex with Carla was understandable, but it was still hurting their marriage. Building emotional walls to protect himself (and his girls) from further hurt was limiting the opportunities to connect sexually with his wife and was sending Carla a message that she wasn’t important to him.
Another insecurity pitfall relates to how you think about yourself. You press the brakes to sexual desire and arousal if you think, “I don’t like my body. My ex didn’t like my body either; there’s no way my spouse can find my body arousing” or “Am I doing this right?” On the other hand, you press the accelerator if you think, “I am a sexual person and have God’s blessing on this marital sexual experience so I can have confidence in my sensuality and share it freely” or “Let me ask if this pleases my spouse so I can bring them more pleasure.” Feeling comfortable in your God-given sexual skin honors God as the creator of sex, makes the sexual connection more likely and awakens pleasure. Insecurity, however, diminishes it.
Wounds add insecurity
Memories of a previous sexual relationship can add insecurity to a blended family marriage. One client said to me, “My first wife complained constantly that I wasn’t a good lover — that I didn’t know how to please a woman. I don’t want to fail again, so I’m not going to initiate sex very often.” His fear of being inadequate dramatically impacted his new marriage.
You need to identify the residue of leftover pain from a previous relationship and then work through it, or it can show up in multiple ways in a new marriage, especially in the bedroom. I helped this man identify and grieve his past pain and then choose to trust that open communication with his wife could bring about a different result in their sex life. Fear preaches that we should withhold, stay on guard and self-protect. Love invites us to risk and see ourselves as worthy so we can give the best of our worth to the other.
Wounds on your heart breed insecurity. Karen’s first husband brought pornographic expectations into their bedroom and then belittled her when she couldn’t replicate what he had seen porn stars do. Outside the bedroom he controlled her time, energy and emotions. Marriage, for Karen, was never a safe place to be herself. “I don’t know why I’m guarded with Tom, my second husband,” she said. “He is a generous, loving Christian man, but I can’t seem to relax.”
“Of course not,” I told her. “Your body, brain and soul must unlearn many things before you can entrust yourself to the process of lovemaking. It’s like the man in Mark 9 who told Jesus ‘I believe; help my unbelief!’ There are two sides of you battling over what to believe, and that’s to be expected for a while. But with each choice you make to ‘believe’, that is, to move toward your husband emotionally and physically, you give your ‘usness’ a chance to experience emotional safety and love. Then it becomes easier to trust his faithfulness.”
By the way, where do thoughts of “unbelief” come from? Do they come from God? Or are they lies told about God, about yourself or the purpose of sex? Lies don’t bring freedom in the bedroom. Confront them with God’s truth to avoid the insecurity pitfall.
Pitfall #2: Blended family stress
Sometimes men desire sex as a way of relaxing from stress. Typically, women can’t enjoy sex unless they are already relaxed. The first few years of blended family life for most couples is very stressful.
If a parent and stepparent, for example, don’t yet agree on how to parent together, the stress of their conflict can quickly sabotage marital intimacy. Couples must work toward resolving the issues in their blended family, and at the same time, merging their sexual selves. To fight the disconnect, find good answers to common stepfamily questions at SmartStepfamilies.com and make sex a priority by carving out time and designating a sacred space (for example, your bedroom).
Pitfall #3: Comparisons
Marital sexuality is meant by God to be an intimate experience that somehow points to the ultimate “marriage” we‘ll experience in heaven when the Bridegroom comes for his Bride (the people who trust in Jesus as their Savior and Lord). Said another way, sex is a little piece of heaven right here on earth — a piece of heaven that intimately touches every part of us.
So how does someone who has given themselves in such an intimate manner and tasted heaven with a former spouse make the switch to a new partner? How does someone widowed after a beautiful 30-year marriage with the love of his or her life switch the most intimate part of their heart to another person? Isn’t some piece of them still left behind in the first relationship?
To avoid this blended family marriage pitfall, pay attention to what you pay attention to. Focus on your current partner and don’t dwell on comparisons that can lead to disappointment. If you allow your mind to dwell on a previous sexual relationship or experience, you’re focusing on the wrong thing. Because people tend to reminisce on positive experiences, you will likely find your current sex life lacking. The comparison then adds disappointment. Keep your heart and mind focused on the present. Strive to make this sexual relationship all it can be and don’t compare it to the past.
Don’t worry if you have a passing sexual memory of a previous spouse: This is common. When this happens, some people wonder if there’s something wrong with them or if they’ve sinned against their new spouse. Jesus said that it’s the heart that matters; our intentions are what defile us (Matthew 15:10-20). A spontaneous memory does not necessarily represent your heart.
But if you entertain that memory and hold on to it, you are moving your heart away from your spouse and into a dangerous direction. Replace those memories with positive thoughts about your current spouse. Focus your mind on the one you are committed to now.
Pitfall #4: Not learning new rhythms
You can avoid another sexual pitfall in your blended family marriage by unlearning sexual rhythms of the past and learning new rhythms in the present. Sexual partners develop rhythms and routines of sexual behavior, such as which sex acts they engage in regularly and which ones occasionally, how often they have sex and how they communicate about sex. You need to unlearn the past routines, and perhaps even grieve them, while you begin to develop new patterns in your current marriage.
This doesn’t happen easily. It takes effort to not expect your partner, for example, to always lock the door or verbally communicate their sexual preferences the way your previous partner did. It takes effort to find your voice and give your spouse direction about how to pleasure you, even as you learn what pleases them. You must set aside old patterns and create new ones.
Pitfall #5: Focusing too much on the sex
Sex is much more than just sexual pleasure. It’s a meaningful soul connection that happens when two people share the deepest parts of themselves. In the book I wrote with David Olson called The Smart Stepfamily Marriage, we share a story about Edna and Charles. At 74, Edna had a strong sense of her sexual self. “I can’t jump around the bedroom like I did in my first marriage,” she began, “but Charles and I really do enjoy each other sexually.”
Charles and Edna had recently married, just a few years after the death of their spouses. “I used to think sex was all about positions, orgasms and how sexy I looked. But then I realized that the most important part of sex is myself. I have to bring myself to the experience. And when I do, Charles and I enjoy a tenderness that is incredible.”
Sex for Edna and Charles is not based on sexual functioning; they don’t focus on the sex, but on making love to the person. This mature view of sexuality results in a more profound experience of oneness. In the bedroom, couples should dance with their eyes locked, not looking at their feet to make sure they get the steps right, but rather looking deeply into the heart of the person God has gifted them with.
Some stressors in a blended family marriage may be unique, but they’re not insurmountable. Together, you can recognize what’s hampering your sexual relationship and then work together to address it.
