Falling in love produces hope for the future. Couples with children from previous relationships who fall in love and plan a wedding also hope for a blended family filled with love and honor. They wish for a honeymoon—and a “familymoon!” But if their hope is not realized in the manner desired, disillusionment sets in. Disillusionment without perspective can erode love.
Creating Realistic Expectations in a Blended Family
Marriage and the stepfamily experience are complicated endeavors. Smart step-parenting can come with its own set of challenges. It is vital that you understand something about the process of becoming a family so you don’t assume terrible things when you experience discouragement or disillusionment.
One stepmother said, “I didn’t realize that a second marriage would cause me to give up the dream of a perfect or whole family. Everyone’s illusions change after marriage, but it’s particularly difficult when children and a former spouse are involved.”
Much of the discouragement people experience in stepfamilies is normal and simply part of learning to be family for one another. Sometimes, misguided expectations of the “perfect or whole family” or that things will be easier (and other myths about blended families) set you up for even greater disillusionment. It’s very important that your expectations are realistic. Adjusting them now can help you aim for the right target and encourage you to relax and enjoy the journey.
Think of this example: A stew left in a crock pot for only 30 minutes will not taste good. But the same ingredients, allowed to cook for six hours—softening and sharing themselves at their own pace—produce a well-cooked meal. Stepfamilies take time to ‘cook’ well. Patience and persistence are key culinary attitudes. So, too, is remembering that there is a honeymoon for blended family couples; it just comes at the end of the journey, not at the beginning.
Everything will be easier—and other myths about blending your family
When Kathi and Roger got married, they wanted to take their blended family for a familymoon a few weeks after the wedding ceremony. During their engagement, organizing activities with both sets of kids had been difficult, but they figured that planning a trip would become easier once they were married.
They quickly learned how naïve that thought was. Just because they were no longer married to their children’s other parents didn’t mean they were out of the picture. Since one of the stops on the trip was Mexico, they needed to work with the other parents to coordinate paperwork for medical releases, travel documents, and so on.
Land wars have taken less planning.
Like their naïve belief that everything would be easier once they get married, there were many other blended-family myths they had to overcome. They needed to take off their rose-colored glasses so that they could fully embrace the messy reality of blended family life. As they adjusted their unrealistic expectations, difficult situations became a lot easier to deal with.
Here are a few of the myths that blended families often have to dispel:
Myth #1: “I do everything their bio mom does, and I love them just as much. It’s just like being their parent.”
The truth? You may never feel like your stepchild’s parent. And that’s OK. My relationship with my stepkids is much the same as my relationship with my favorite niece — I’m not their parent, but I get to fill a big role in their life.
Myth #2: “We love each other. Of course, we’ll love each other’s kids—and vice versa.”
The truth? For most blended families, the love for each other’s kids doesn’t come right away. With my stepkids, I desperately wanted them to love me, but it turned out they needed to respect me first. Love came later.
Myth# 3: “His kids are only here part-time. That will make it so much easier.”
The truth? Just because a child splits his time between two households doesn’t mean his parents halve the workload. With clothing, homework, and schoolbooks going back and forth, plus the extra scheduling between two households, I would guess the workload about doubles. But, just like every tough situation, you will eventually find your rhythm.
When Building Your Blended Family Doesn’t Come Easy
Deb trembled as she closed the door and dropped to the floor of her bathroom. As she held herself tightly, tears began to pour down her cheeks. How much longer can I do this? she thought as she wiped her eyes. I want this family to work, but I cannot keep living like this. Once again, a quiet evening at home had exploded into a burst of angry emotions, accusations, and power plays between her new husband and her teenage daughters.
Steve and Deb had been married less than a year. While she had expected challenges, she had not expected this. When Steve moved into their home, he brought rules that didn’t make sense to Deb or her daughters, Kelly and Katie. Deb worried about the effect on her daughters, yet she loved her husband and wanted them all to become a family—quickly.
However, many experts say it takes five years or more for a blended family to begin to feel cohesive. There’s really no way to force a family to bond quickly, but with continued faith and persistent effort, families can grow closer.
Feeling desperate on that cold floor, Deb breathed a prayer, “God, only You can save this family.”
Implementing Changes to Create a Thriving Blended Family
That simple prayer of relinquishment led to changes. Deb and Steve decided to go to counseling. “The therapist helped me examine the promise I’d made after my ex walked out on us—that no one would ever hurt my girls again,” Deb says. “I came to realize that was not only impossible, but it wasn’t even the best thing for them.”
Steve learned the importance of discussing his unmet expectations with Deb before he made parenting decisions. He had sons from a previous marriage but had never parented girls. At a fathering conference, Steve gained valuable insights about parenting daughters.
Deb says, “We took advantage of anything our church offered, like retreats and seminars that would help us grow as a couple and as a family. It seemed like the whole atmosphere of the family calmed down and started going better.”
Today, Steve and Deb have good relationships with all four of their kids. Steve and the girls can laugh now—and often do—about those tumultuous first years.
One important lesson we learned,” Deb says, “was to just hang on.”
Every Blended Family Could Use Some Help
It’s an exasperating, exhausting cycle.
Each week, Michael spends a few days with his mom and then returns to his dad’s house. Soon after his return, Michael’s emotions explode into arguments and behaviors that cause a lot of frustration for his dad, Brian, and his stepmom, Julie. About the time things start to settle down, Michael returns to his mother’s house, starting the cycle all over again.
Julie and Brian’s marriage suffers under the strain. Clearly, this new blended family isn’t working out as they had hoped, and they realize they are ready — past ready — for some help.
How to Find a Counselor for Your Family
Every blended family has its ups and downs, and most couples in a second marriage could use some expert help right from the start. Counseling provides guidance and the kind of insight that’s often difficult to muster on your own when you’re in the midst of a stressful situation. Counseling offers opportunities to practice the kind of communication that’s necessary to resolve issues. But how do you find a good counselor? Here are some things to bear in mind as you search:
1. Look for Someone Who is Licensed by Your State as a Mental Health Professional.
These titles indicate qualifications: licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D.), licensed professional counselor (LPC), and licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT). You can find some good referrals from local blended-family support groups or by calling Focus on the Family or visiting our Christian Counselors Network.
2. The Individual You Select Should Be Compatible With Your Family.
Make sure you’re comfortable with your counselor. Part of finding the right fit includes asking the counselor if he or she understands the unique dynamics of blended families and has had experience working with challenges in both marriage and parenting.
3. Be Aware That the Cost of Counseling Can Vary Widely.
If possible, find a therapist whose services are covered by your health insurance.
4. Understand That Many Counselors Are Extremely Busy.
There’s a good probability you’ll be put on a four- to six-week waiting list.
Remember: Blended families can be fun, but they’re always challenging. So don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help.
Need help finding a counselor? For a trusted referral, call Focus on the Family’s counseling department Monday through Friday between 6 a.m. and 8 p.m. Mountain time at 800-A-FAMILY (800-232-6459).
