When thinking of ways to have a great marriage, you might not envision a silent fifty-something couple sitting at a table for two in a nice restaurant. Even the most casual observer can tell they aren’t communicating with one another. Oh, she may ask him to pass the salt. Or, without looking up, he’ll inquire, “How’s your steak?‚” But there’s no real conversation going on, no eye contact, and no sign of the spark that once animated their marriage.
Watching this couple is sad. Becoming this couple is tragic. How did their relationship devolve to a point of coexistence rather than co-partnering? Is their monosyllabic interaction a sign they no longer love each other?
More likely, they’ve simply neglected the regular “checkups‚” necessary to keep their marriage running optimally in “all weather” conditions.
Ways to Have a Great Marriage Through Life’s Transition Points
Marriage experts identify certain transition points in the life of even the healthiest marriage—transitions that, if ignored, can leave couples out of sync and emotionally disconnected from one another.
Typical transition points are:
- the birth of a child,
- when children leave home
- after the retirement of one or both partners.
If those life transitions aren’t consciously noted and addressed (asking, “Who are we now that we’re no longer devoted to parenting and our careers?”), it can result in couples who gradually drift apart and take up separate lives, barely noticing that they’ve become total strangers.
“We have concluded that first half strategies practiced in the second half of life are a sure formula for failure,” says Terry Taylor, who, with his wife Carol, founded Second Half Ministries in 1998. The Taylors encourage couples to take a deliberate approach to finishing well in all aspects of life, but especially in their marriages.
What’s Your Secret to Having a Great Marriage?
Last winter my wife, Barb, and I were in Maui for a minivacation. While we were out on a whale watch, Caleb, the young first mate, asked us, “How long have you two been married?”
“Thirty-eight years,” we responded, “and it’s awesome!”
Likely not accustomed to such an enthusiastic response, Caleb shared that he was a newlywed and then asked, “What’s your secret?”
I replied, “You either asked the best person on board or the worst, depending upon whether you really want an answer.”
“Game on. Give it to me!” was his reply.
“Caleb, I am going to give you not one secret, but several.” And while watching whales surfacing, I had an opportunity to share about what it takes to have a great marriage.
13 Ways to Have a Great Marriage
Relationships and marriage can be hard—really hard. Commitment is the foundation for a deeply connected marriage. However, many people fear commitment because of all the marriages that fall apart in our society. Many people even wonder if a lasting marriage is really possible. But just as I shared my six secrets to a great marriage with Caleb, I want to coach you, as well.
1. Forgive Freely.
You can’t have tenderness and compassion with a stubborn attitude. We all have attitude problems at times. Yet, when God softens our approach to each other, we resolve conflicts with our spouse and we practice forgiving him or her freely. This is the foundation of a great marriage.
2. Serve Humbly.
When the apostle Paul writes that we should exercise humility, he is teaching us to serve humbly: “In humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). Humility in marital conflict makes a difference.
When we take on the nature of a servant, we yearn to sincerely out-serve one another. I love when Barb serves me, but I love it better when my out-serving her sets the tone for meeting each other’s needs. Trying to fix a hurting marriage by doing nice things for each other — but with the wrong attitude — does nothing to actually improve the marriage. But when we serve each other in vulnerability and humility, God blesses our endeavor.
3. Persevere Courageously.
In your marriage, trials are going to come, including illness, financial setbacks and family stresses. Rather than denying them and covering them over, you need to forge your way through the storm. God uses our trials to fulfill His purpose in our lives and marriages. Our trials shouldn’t come between us and our spouse — they should push us closer together. Our struggles should prompt us to rely on Christ.
4. Guard Vigilantly.
You will also need to persevere through temptations. They can be related to sexual unfaithfulness, uncontrolled anger, passivity, relationship pressures or countless other things.
When temptation comes, you’ll need to walk in purity. Keep to the path God has for you in your life and marriage.
Temptation doesn’t go away. But when we vigilantly guard our minds and stay alert to where we’re at risk, when we build open and safe communication with our spouse and establish honest accountability with friends, we’re on the right track.
5. Celebrate Joyfully.
So, where’s the fun side of marriage? It can be found when we celebrate — emotionally, sexually and spiritually. Over the 25 years I’ve been coaching couples, I’ve learned that when a husband and wife master the art of heart-to-heart connection, learn how to have great sex and establish a spiritual connection, they can have great rhythm in their marriages. Barb and I connect each day for at least 20 minutes, practicing what we call “conversational prayer” — going back and forth sharing sentence-long prayers.
6. Renew Love Daily.
You can do this in a variety of ways, including taking a walk or going on a date together. Other times it can be a phone call or prayer; it occurs when making love or reading the Word of God together. Monthly dates and annual marriage conferences are healthy practices, too. But couples in healthy marriages find small ways to connect daily.
7. Review Your Past Objectively.
Forgive yourself and your spouse for past mistakes — then resolve to learn from them. One couple said an ancient disagreement they’d had years before over how to raise their son reared its ugly head again when the wife observed her husband repeating the same behavior with their grandson. “It was a negative sort of déjà vu,‚” said the wife. By talking things out, these grandparents freed themselves, and their marriage, from the invisible wedge of unresolved conflicts.
8. Take a Personal Inventory.
Midlife couples should take the time to assess each others’ evolving interests, strengths and differences. What are your personal values, skills and spiritual gifts, and how do they complement your spouse’s? How can you support your spouse in his or her personal development?
9. Find New Activities You Both Enjoy.
For instance, those who never enjoyed camping before may find it’s a great way to get away for some quality time together. “Never say never,‚” said a couple married for 34 years who acquired a canoe, an RV and a shiatsu massager after the last of their kids moved out. Take language courses or volunteer at a museum—just do it together.
10. Look Outward.
Pray about what calling God may have for you, both individually and as a couple. Ask how you can support each other in your callings. Are there causes you both passionately support? Explore ways to get more involved in a hands-on way, and “work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for man” (Colossians 3:23).
11. Fight Fair.
It’s too idealistic to believe that even the most well-planned, intentional, purposefully lived midlife marriage can proceed without conflict. Be prompt, open and direct in communicating your feelings. Make it your goal to heal the differences that come between you, not punish the other person or inflict guilt trips. Get to the root of the issue! “I let my newly retired husband micromanage the kitchen for awhile until I couldn’t take it anymore,‚” said one frustrated wife. “He was an engineer and actually put everything in the pantry in alphabetical order. Finally I just asked him to stop — and he did!‚”
12. Have Fun.
As the experts and other happily married “second-halfers‚” will tell you — lighten up! Life is difficult and full of times when you have to be serious and somber. Enjoy leisure activities together. Go to funny movies, save up jokes to tell one another, get silly with the grandkids — whatever it takes to put smiles on your faces!
13. Dare to Dream.
If you’ve been blessed with good health, a reasonable amount of financial stability and a sense of adventure, maybe this is the time of life to travel to places you never thought you’d see — or to start the ministry you’ve both always dreamed of launching. Discover your passions and follow them. For all you know, your whole life could have been lived “for such a time as this” (Esther 4:14).
We are convinced that couples worldwide want to know how to have a great marriage. Don’t settle for a good marriage or a so-so marriage. Implement our secrets and then go for a great marriage.
