Estimated reading time: 11 minutes
When Bill came home from work, he was puzzled that he didn’t hear his kids or the television. He rounded the corner and found his wife, Karen, sitting in his office chair and glaring at him. His skin prickled.
“Where are the kids?” he asked.
“I took them to my parents’ house. I need to talk to you and I don’t want them here for this conversation.
Bill’s mouth became dry making swallowing difficult. His eyes met Karen’s as she continued, “I found your pornography on your computer, and I want you to move out immediately.”
Bill’s throat tightened, and he suddenly had difficulty breathing. He closed his eyes and tried to remember the latest X-rated sites he had been looking at. He felt nauseated as he imagined Karen seeing those images on his computer.
Hot tears of shame rolled down his face as he fell to his knees. “Please,” he whispered, “I’ll do anything. Please don’t make me leave.”
He searched his wife’s face for a sign of hope, but Karen looked away in anger. Images of what his life would be like separated from Karen and the kids flashed in his mind and caused his heart to twist in his chest.
“I am so ashamed,” Bill said beginning to sob and covering his face with his hands.
Finally, he heard Karen’s question, “Will you go to counseling with me?”
Bill looked up. “Yes!” he said, desperate for hope. “I’ll do anything.”
Pornography Symptom of a Deeper Issue of Intimacy Avoidance
Bill understood God’s standard and knew he had been emotionally unfaithful to Karen. His deep insecurity had caused him to create walls in his and Karen’s marriage that prevented them from becoming too close. He had been avoiding intimacy with Karen for years. Pornography was a substitution for sex. Bill knew that it was a problem, but it wasn’t the only problem. Pornography was a symptom of a deeper issue, and using it was the way that he chose to cope with his unresolved emotional pain.
Pornography Addiction and Avoiding Intimacy
Pornography was only one way that Bill blocked a deep relationship with Karen. His behavior was subconsciously based on fear and the need for comfort. Part of him longed for closeness, but he was afraid of needing someone. Bill shut down the vulnerable part of himself, buried his desires for emotional intimacy and isolated himself in the name of self-protection.
If Karen tried to talk to him, he would push her away by blaming, manipulating, criticizing or withdrawing from her. He did not trust Karen, and therefore, he was not willing to risk being vulnerable with her. He turned to pornography instead of risking Karen’s rejection or criticism. Porn was just easier. Bill did not have to risk his ego or his heart to meet his basic physical need. And masturbation didn’t require an emotional relationship.
Bill admitted that pornography had greatly affected his sexual relationship with Karen. They had sex infrequently during the previous 10 years. If Karen initiated sex, he would make an excuse why they couldn’t right then or he would agree to put it on the calendar and not follow through.
Understanding the Deeper Issues Behind Porn Addicts and Intimacy
Even though he sometimes felt guilty about hurting Karen, he didn’t feel as if he had a choice. Bill needed to have the upper hand in the relationship to feel comfortable. With porn, he felt in control, which gave him a sense of power. The women in the images and videos were always ready and willing — and he didn’t have to sacrifice anything for their approval.
But using pornography to achieve orgasm also made Bill feel defeated and alone.
As Bill and Karen began the painful process of working through their problems in counseling, Bill started to understand the deeper issues driving his relationship-avoidance behavior. He realized that he didn’t feel worthy of love in a relationship because of early rejections and pain in his childhood.
Bill also had a powerful fear of being abandoned. Therefore, he kept people far enough away from his heart that he would not risk being devastated by the loss of that person should he or she leave. Being emotionally close to Karen was especially risky because marriage was supposed to be the most intimate anyone could be with another person.
Addressing the Pornography and Intimacy Avoidance Head-on
Bill’s counselor suggested he attend a group for men who struggle with pornography and intimacy avoidance. Though this is the last thing Bill wanted to do, he committed himself to changing his patterns. He agreed to attend. He felt tense as he walked into the room and looked at strangers with whom he was supposed to bare his soul. But he listened to their stories and was impressed with the men’s courage and honesty.
One guy described the struggle this way: “It’s like I’m constantly fighting a war within myself. I want to stay away from porn. I tell myself every time that I give in that this is the last time … but it’s never the last time. I can hold out for a little while, but eventually, there I am watching it again. Afterward, I feel ashamed and weak. Of course, when I feel bad about myself, then I want to feel better. Porn temporarily makes me feels better, but it’s this destructive hamster wheel that I just can’t ever exit.”
Bill exhaled and relaxed. Hearing someone vocalize a struggle so similar to his own gave him hope that he was in the right place. Real change happened in Bill’s group. The men provided accountability, understanding, validation and a kick in the pants when needed. They phoned or texted one another when they were struggling with the urge to “act out” by withholding emotional intimacy or through pornography.
Experiencing Freedom from Pornography and Intimacy Avoidance
Bill also worked a 12-step recovery process and began to heal some of the deeper wounds that triggered his need to self-soothe. He learned that pornography was an outlet to cope with feelings of powerlessness and inadequacy. He was able to build meaningful, healthy relationships with the men in his group. He practiced sharing thoughts and emotions with Karen, too. Eventually he was able to trust her enough to reveal to her all he had been holding back.
Bill learned that he had to focus on getting himself well, regardless of whether Karen decided to continue in the marriage. He had to work toward feeling that he was OK with himself — no matter what happened. He knew that only then would there be a possibility of creating a healthy relationship with Karen.
As a result of counseling, the men’s group and hard work, Bill was able to stop his pornography habit and strengthen his family relationships. Bill rediscovered parts of his inner self that he had kept buried, and he began to feel and experience freedom in his life.
A Porn Addict’s Wife: Feeling Inadequate and Unwanted
Karen didn’t think much of it when her husband, Bill, asked her to check his email on his home computer for an update on a package he was expecting. However, as she was checking his pending delivery, she stumbled on his browsing history. Karen’s jaw dropped as she stared at the titles of the websites her husband had recently viewed. After she clicked on the first site, a wave of nausea washed over her.
Karen watched in horror as the video of a naked woman came up on the screen. The woman was beautiful and young. Her expression and body language left no doubt about the message she was trying to convey. Karen’s face grew hot; she felt all the energy drain from her body. She protectively pulled her sweater around her middle as she compared herself to the images on the screen. She imagined Bill watching the video.
The sadness was overwhelming, but Karen still spent the next hour opening every website in her husband’s history, each image piercing her heart.
Feeling Helpless and Stuck from Porn Use and Intimacy Avoidance
Problems had plagued her and Bill’s marriage, but finding his pornography jarred her to realize how extensive the issues were. Bill had stopped pursuing her sexually years earlier. The rejection deeply wounded her and left her feeling inadequate and unwanted.
Karen strongly desired sexual intimacy with Bill. She had tried to rekindle their sex life by planning special evenings, sending sexy messages to him during the day, buying new lingerie and even losing a substantial amount of weight. But all her efforts hadn’t changed the situation.
God didn’t miraculously fix their issues, although Karen prayed thousands of prayers. She read everything she could find about improving marriage, trying to find anything that would draw Bill back to her. She sought counsel from her pastor and Christian mentors. She attended Bible studies and tried to be the best wife possible. She hoped that if she kept a clean house, cooked and treated Bill well that he would choose to meet her needs, too. Nothing worked. As years went by, she felt helpless to change the situation and stuck in a marriage where her needs were not met.
Aftershock: Overcoming His Secret Life with Pornography: A Plan for Recovery
Avoiding Communication and Trust
Karen was raised in a home without healthy communication; family members did not discuss issues. Even the thought of talking about problems was scary for her. Growing up, Karen learned that her family had unspoken rules that guarded the family’s denial of difficulties. The first rule was “Don’t talk” — what happened inside the home was private. The goal was to look perfect from the outside. The family lived as if talking about a problem was the only thing that made it real — if a problem was not acknowledged, it didn’t exist and nobody had to do anything to change the situation.
Another unspoken rule was “Don’t feel.” Karen and her siblings were taught to put their feelings aside for the greater good of the family. Acknowledging her feelings was not emotionally safe for Karen, because if she expressed her emotion, she was shamed for being selfish.
Karen’s parents gave inconsistent support and often made promises they didn’t keep. Through this, Karen experienced the final unspoken rule: “Don’t trust.” When children don’t have consistent support from adults, they find it difficult to trust people.
Since relationships require communication and mutual trust, Karen had great difficulty forming good relationships. She didn’t know what a healthy marriage looked like, much less how to create one. Karen had trouble acknowledging her feelings without judging them as bad. The constant uncertainty led her to anxiety and sadness. Karen didn’t have the tools to handle this situation on her own, and what was worse, she felt guilty for being unhappy.
Rebuilding Trust and Intimacy
As uncomfortable and painful as talking about Bill’s use of pornography was, Karen simply could not ignore it. She knew the issue was real and not going to magically disappear. She decided the first step was to confront the problem. So, she told Bill what she had found and insisted that they get professional help. Karen knew their issues were too big for the two of them to navigate alone.
Karen came to understand that she could become part of the solution to rebuilding trust and intimacy in their marriage. By not communicating her wants, needs or opinions, she had allowed herself to become a doormat. She needed to learn how to have a healthy relationship, so she and Bill sought help through counseling.
They attended marriage counseling where they learned to honestly and openly communicate with each other. Bill joined a support group for sex addiction, and Karen found a group for women married to sex addicts. This group focused on codependency and addressed the trauma responses a wife commonly goes through when discovering a husband’s pornography issues.
Accountability for Pornography Use and Intimacy Avoidance
Karen needed to know that their marriage would become a safe place for her. She needed boundaries and accountability in their relationship to make sure Bill was sincere in his pledge to give up pornography use. An example of a boundary that Karen put in place was that Bill needed to attend counseling and meet with his support group weekly. Otherwise, she would ask him for a temporary separation until he would take constructive actions.
The process was painful and took time, but for Karen, talking through issues instead of pretending nothing was wrong felt good. Discovering an extreme problem in their marriage had prompted action, and nothing improved until she and Bill became honest and open with each other.
Karen started seeing changes in Bill’s behavior and attitudes. Bill worked hard to conquer his addiction and identify the root issues that led to and perpetuated the cycle, and she began to experience his love through his actions. Eventually, Karen and Bill were able to mend their relationship and love each other well.
Michelle Habel is a licensed professional counselor candidate (LPCC) and has been providing therapeutic services to couples and adults since 2015.
A variety of issues can fuel habitual pornography use. Understanding the deeper needs of individuals affected by this common problem is important. Reach out to well-trained helpers, and if you are a married couple do so together. Change is possible! We can guide you as you seek help. You can contact us Monday through Friday from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. (Mountain time) at: 855-771-HELP (4357) or [email protected].
