5 Surprisingly Simple Ways to Stop Arguing With Your Kids

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

If you have kids at home, you’re familiar with arguments like:

“But everyone else has one. Why can’t I get one too?”

“I don’t want to clean my room!”

“It’s not my turn to feed the dog!”

Constantly fighting with your kids at home, in the car—anywhere and everywhere—leads to stress, frustration and exhaustion. What can you do to lessen the frequency and intensity of arguments with your children?

1. Communicate clear expectations.

Many times, we assume our children have common sense. They should just automatically understand the way we do things. We see them as mini versions of ourselves. But it’s not reasonable for kids to grasp something we haven’t taught them or practiced together. We need to tell our kids specific rules if we expect them to keep them. Tell your children, “No ball throwing in the house,” before you hand them a new bouncy ball.

2. Create fun systems

For example, instead of arguing about whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, have a system in place. When our three kids were young, we created a Pellicane way to empty the dishwasher. One child emptied the top, one emptied the bottom, and one emptied the utensils. The utensils were the least favorite task, so the kids would hurry to the dishwasher to get the “better jobs.” The more you can systematize chores, homework and after-school activities, and clarify your expectations, the less you’ll argue about them. Clarity is your friend, whether your child is a toddler or a teenager.

3. Decide when a direct order helps

I was sitting in a parenting seminar with family psychologist John Rosemond when I had an aha moment. He compared how our grandmothers gave instructions with modern moms. Two generations ago, a mom would say, “Clean your room,” and her child would clean the room. Today, moms give explanations, as if we must convince kids of the legitimacy of a clean room.

A modern mom stoops to eye level and says with compassion, “Mommy is going to have a friend over. Wouldn’t it be nice if this room were neat and clean so we can sit together here on the couch? Let’s put our toys away. Can you do that for Mommy?”

See the huge difference?

The first statement is a simple order.

The second invites negotiation.

Now your child can say, “No, I don’t want to put my toys away. I’m still playing with them. Who’s coming over anyway? I don’t want anyone to come over.” And before you know it, you’re arguing about anything and everything.

When giving an instruction to your child, don’t open the door for negotiation.

Use the fewest number of words possible (“Clean up your toys now, please”). If your kids are teenagers, there may be room for negotiation if you want their feedback. It’s okay to invite teens to bring up things that seem unreasonable or ways to improve. But in the end, your instructions stand.

4. Use this index card technique

In his book “Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way,” Gary Chapman suggests using an index card when you are upset. Keep a card handy that says, “I’m feeling angry right now, but don’t worry. I’m not going to attack you. But I do need your help. Is this a good time to talk?” That may not be the right moment, but slowing down with the card helps you avoid saying something you’ll regret.

In the heat of the moment, perceived attacks can trigger the fight-or-flight response. Lashing out is never productive, and avoiding each other doesn’t solve problems either.

Instead of yelling or withdrawing, use the index card to frame the discussion positively with your kids. Explain what the card means and role-play using it while everyone is in a good mood. Communicating respectfully is a key to defusing anger. Kids (and adults) don’t know how to do this automatically. They must be taught, trained and given plenty of practice. Many adults struggle with healthy conflict, so if you can teach this to your kids, it will serve them well for life. The index card works in marriage, too.

5. Remember that it takes two to tango

The one-sided argument doesn’t last long. Remember the wise words of Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” If you stay calm and refuse to react emotionally, arguments with your child end much sooner. That may mean asking for space so you can step into your room alone, close the door and regroup.

Remember, you are the adult in the room.

You can’t expect your child to act maturely because they are far behind you developmentally. You may need to control your emotions even when your child has truly wronged you. Resolve to learn how to manage your emotions, using them as indicators, not drivers.

Your emotions reveal what’s happening in your heart—worth noticing—but they are not the boss of you.

Seek to be a calmer, more peaceful person, and that will rub off on your children. Reading one chapter of Proverbs aloud together for a month is a wonderful way to guide your family toward wisdom. Proverbs 20:3 says, “Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.” The more wisdom your child gains, the less they will insist on quarreling.

Think back to last week with your kids.

What were the subjects of most arguments in your home? Chores? Hurt feelings? Late homework? Hovering too close? Annoying siblings? The next time an argument is about to begin, remember it takes two to tango.

Clarify your expectations and family rules ahead of time. Make your instructions clear and simple, acting as a leader, not a follower. And when anger rises, grab that index card and wait for the right time to talk—not argue.