When connecting with your newborn isn’t your natural response
Estimated reading time: 9 minutes
As you walk into motherhood, it is normal to think about how to bond with your baby. You know it is important, but it can feel intimidating. Know you are not alone as you think about bonding with your baby. There are plenty of mothers who have worries surrounding this subject, myself included.
Long before I had children, I heard my friends speak in superlatives of their first days of motherhood. Posted on their social media, along with perfect mother-baby pictures, they’d write, “My heart is so full; I’ll never be the same!” When I was pregnant with my first child, I worried about how I might respond those first few days — knowing I’m often more of a thinker than a feeler.
While my initial days with my daughter were unforgettable, they didn’t deliver an emotional high. I loved staring at her perfect skin and cuddling her warm body. But I wasn’t instantaneously filled with feelings of euphoria.
Thankfully, a friend had told me of her own new-mom experience. After a difficult labor, the nurse had laid her new son, pink and squirming, on her chest. The only thought she could muster in her exhaustion was, Huh. There’s a baby on me. Then she asked to take a nap. (After a nice nap, she was ready to fully engage.) For me, it would be several weeks before I felt comfortable responding “yes” to the inevitable question, “Aren’t you just so in love?”
Some women experience a difficult delivery and recovery. Others find breastfeeding to be a challenge. And then there’s the lack of sleep. On top of the physical pressures, there can also be a more subtle psychological pressure — imagined or otherwise — to feel a certain way. All of these factors can make bonding with a newborn more difficult. I was treated for pre-eclampsia during labor, and the medication made me sick and my brain foggy. It wasn’t until the medication had worn off, a full day later, that I felt able to engage in motherhood.
Other more serious factors can also influence bonding. According to Dr. W.D. Hager, an obstetrician-gynecologist, some of the factors that can make bonding difficult are an unwanted pregnancy, marital disharmony, financial stress and emotional instability. Bonding with baby can be especially difficult for mothers who may have felt rejected or abandoned during their own childhood. Couples may want to seek counsel if any of these stresses are present.
Even if strong nurturing feelings aren’t immediate, bonding with our infants is essential for their well-being. “It’s of critical importance for the infant to feel loved, cherished and cared for,” Hager says. “We have evidence that even in those early days of life, and even in utero, infants respond to appropriate bonding and caretaking.”
To foster bonding, use physical touch. Hold the baby in a cradling position and make eye contact (once those eyes start fluttering open). Stroke the baby gently. Talk to her. Sing to her. It’s important to spend enough focused time with babies so they don’t feel ignored. Skin on skin has also been proven to be a good bonding experience.
Dr. Craig Van Schooneveld, my father-in-law, is a pediatrician with three decades of experience. “There are three methods of communicating love to your infant,” he says. “Touch, eye contact and focused attention. You can never give children too much of those three things.”
One way moms can promote bonding is to take care of their own health. “Nutrition, exercise and making sure you get enough sleep are key,” Hager says.
Don’t be shy to ask for help. Ask friends or family to watch your baby for a few hours so you can have time to rest or refresh yourself. Take a nap. Take a walk. Take a break! You’ll most likely feel more able to bond with your child when you aren’t as emotionally and physically exhausted.
In the first days or weeks after giving birth, many women experience the “baby blues,” a mild depression that lasts for two weeks after childbirth. It can express itself as anxiety, irritability, sadness and mood swings. This can make bonding difficult for moms.
If these feelings are prolonged and don’t subside two weeks after childbirth, then a woman will often be diagnosed with postpartum depression, according to Hager. Postpartum depression can result in symptoms such as insomnia, irritability, anger, mood swings, fatigue or withdrawal from family or baby. These symptoms can also lead to an inability to bond with the infant, and may even cause some women to feel that they might want to harm themselves or their baby.
Bonding with my second child was a completely different experience than with my first. The moment I heard and saw my second daughter, I burst into tears. I already knew the joy awaiting me, and I was reminded that every mother and child combination is unique.
God knit together your baby and wants to prepare you for that unique child. Pray that He will help you be exactly the mother your baby needs — and that He will strengthen the bond between you.
If you think you may be experiencing postpartum depression, see your doctor. With treatment, the symptoms can be handled.
Even if you are not experiencing the symptoms of postpartum depression but are concerned about difficulty bonding with your baby, Focus on the Family counselors are here to listen and pray with you, as well as provide guidance and resources to help you thrive. Arrange to speak with a licensed Christian counselor at no cost by calling 800-232-6459 Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. Mountain time.
Parents who experience challenges around bonding with their baby are not alone. Here are tips from others.
Some parents find it easy to bond with their newborns. Others do not. Both responses are natural and honest. Since there are many different ways to build a bond with an infant, we’ve compiled some of the ways others have grown closer to their little ones.
At my son’s baby dedication, I asked family and friends to underline their favorite verse and write a few words in a Bible I had chosen just for him. Now when we read the Bible together, it’s a precious way to remember that special day.
Visit Asheritah Ciuciu’s website www.OneThingAlone.com to learn more about her ministry.
—Asheritah Ciuciu
As new parents of twin girls, we were reluctant to ask for or receive help. But being overwhelmed by
tasks and not having enough time to enjoy our girls forced us to set aside our pride and say yes to
offers of assistance from friends, family and church members. From meal trains to friends offering
to come and wash dishes or clothes — what others did for us allowed us time to bond with our girls.
—Tiah Lewis
Bonding with my premature baby proved difficult. She rested in a temperature-controlled incubator
while hooked up to a ventilator to help her breathe. The primary methods for bonding — nursing and physical touch — were not options. So instead, I cradled her with my voice. At her bedside, I
quietly sang worship songs to her, and I even subbed her name into the lyrics of “My Girl.”
—Kelsey Messner
I found it more difficult to bond with my new baby when my attention was needed by her older
siblings. Here are three ways I chose to bond with my newborn:
—Amy Traurig
I was there when the little girl I would adopt was born. Standing in the delivery room, I tried to get a glimpse of her. How would she look? Would it be love at first sight? What if I felt differently than when my biological son, Joey, was born? What if I fell for this baby and then the birth mom changed her mind?
When I finally got to hold her, I wanted to tell her, “Mama is here!” But I didn’t yet know if this really would be my girl. Falling head over heels in love felt risky.
A few days later we were able to bring our baby girl home from the hospital. I found myself cautiously bonding with her — afraid of the pain I’d feel if the adoption didn’t go through. Before long, I intentionally decided to love her and bond with her, for as long as I was given time with her. Months later, the adoption was finalized. Here is what I did to successfully bond with my newborn:
My biological babies were all born premature. One of the therapies I used to help them thrive was “kangaroo care.” It simply means skin-to-skin snuggling, with the baby lying chest-to-chest with the parent. I used this to bond with my adopted daughter, to get her used to the sound of my heartbeat. The close physical contact allowed her to hear, feel and smell her new mom. I scheduled kangaroo time right after our last feeding before bed. That way I knew I wouldn’t get too busy to take the time to snuggle.
I tried to use the 30-second rule in responding to my daughter’s basic needs. When I heard my baby cry, I tried to respond to her within 30 seconds. This was either verbally (“Mama will be right there!”) or physically (immediately going to see if she needed to be changed, fed or just snuggled). Meeting a baby’s real needs in the first months will not spoil a child. While we shouldn’t come running at every little peep, babies do need to learn that their basic needs will be consistently met, and that Mom and Dad are the people who do that.
Even though I wasn’t the first person to gaze into my baby’s eyes, I knew she would thrive on the long gazes and expressive faces of her mom and dad. Eye contact is an important part of relationships for all people, especially infants. Babies need eye contact and physical touch just as they need food to grow and develop. And the development is not only physical; watching our facial expressions is instrumental in how the brain gets wired to trust and learn empathy.
I wasn’t always enthusiastic about early morning feedings. But I tried to see each feeding as a prime bonding opportunity. Every time you feed your baby, he or she is learning to associate the contentment of being full with the love of a parent. Make sure you are holding your baby close and making a clear connection between food and bonding. Prioritize those times and give your baby your attention, as your hearts grow closer together.
—Cindy Rasmussen
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