Nurturing kindness in our children can help them succeed in life and follow God more faithfully.
Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
How do parents encourage kids toward kindness over entitlement?
One afternoon I was shopping with my daughters, who were 5 and 7. As we approached a store’s entrance, an older gentleman prepared to exit. The man opened the door, and my daughters saw his action as an invitation to enter.
I took my girls aside for a quick tutorial on doorway etiquette, but the incident got me thinking about how showing consideration doesn’t come naturally to children. As I thought about how to develop this character quality in them, I realized that my husband and I would have to notice how our daughters treated others, and even those within our home, so we could intentionally train them.
Kindness over entitlement is a by-product of the Holy Spirit at work in a Christian’s life. Galatians 5:22 says, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness.” Each of these characteristics is nurtured in our relationship with God.
Not only is kindness a spiritual gift that God demonstrates, but it is also something that is desperately needed in our world. In his book, Love Kindness, Biola University president Barry Corey writes, “The greatest leadership influence lies ahead for those who walk the way of kindness in an increasingly fragmented and skeptical society. It’s a path that will help us to be stronger leaders, more winsome neighbors, healthier husbands, better mothers, truer friends, more effective bosses and faithful disciples.”
While I may initially think of kindness as something I teach my children to show people we meet, I’ve discovered that many of these lessons happen at home. For example, one of my daughters is messy and the other is neat. This difference in personality causes friction at times.
We have had to help the one with tidy tendencies to soften her heart and eyes to see ways where she can help her sister, such as helping her pick up or gently reminding her to put away some of her belongings. The messier sister has to take notice that her sister resides in the same space and make a daily effort to put her things away in order to be considerate of her sister.
The more we discuss the ways they can help each other in their weaker areas, the more accepting they become of the differences that make them unique. As we’ve sought to help our daughters grow in kindness, here are two ways we’ve reinforced this fruit of the Spirit.
Jesus modeled kindness in the way He treated the woman at the well. I have learned to show others respect from His example. My girls may initially learn to be kind to others through my actions.
Recently I had a painful cluster headache and nausea. My husband, Victor, came home from work, only to run out a few moments later to grab dinner for us. He did the inconvenient with kindness toward our girls and me. As the girls see my husband and me helping each other kindly, they begin to mimic this behavior.
It’s naive to think our children will develop consideration for others on their own. So my family volunteers at a local homeless shelter. Before we became regular servers, the girls had not been around the homeless. This weekly experience helps them see that all people can be treated with human dignity and respect.
Our girls have learned that showing kindness can push them out of their comfort zone. For a short time, my daughters and I baby-sat for a mom we met at the shelter as she pursued employment. They discovered that kindness requires that we make room for all kinds of people in our lives.
When my oldest daughter entered second grade, she attended a public school for the first time. We wondered how she would do in this new environment and were delighted to learn that our daughter had befriended a young girl who had a hard time making friends with the other students. The two girls were different. My daughter is African-American, and her friend is Caucasian. My daughter comes from a two-parent family, while her new friend is being raised by her mother.
When the school had a bake sale and allowed children to purchase treats, I was touched to see that my daughter brought additional money from her piggy bank to make sure her new friend would not miss out on the bake sale. Seeing her taking initiative to show kindness confirmed that our efforts at home were paying off. As my daughters continue to grow and develop, my desire is that they will freely exude God’s loving-kindness to all who cross their paths.
Home is the natural place to model effort and kindness over entitlement. The principle can be as simple as putting away shoes, says according to Chris Brack.
My 5-year-old son, Thomas, ran past me on his way to the stairs that led to his room. “Slow down,” I automatically called out one of our family rules as I finished folding a pair of jeans. Those family rules were meant for teaching our young kids responsibility and would be instrumental in what happened next.
I heard a thump followed by a cry of pain and hurried into the living room. “Are you okay?” I asked.
Tears rolled down Thomas’ cheeks. “I slipped on Michelle’s shoe.”
My husband and I have four kids, but that day there were certainly more than four pairs of shoes in the living room. Our children had gotten into the habit of kicking off their footwear wherever they were. It didn’t bother me when they were younger, but it did now.
After talking with my husband, we decided we needed to motivate our children to pick up after themselves. We wanted them to do what was right, not just what was convenient in the moment — starting with their shoes.
Our strategy was simple. Any shoe or sock left behind belonged to me. So I picked up shoes and socks throughout the day and then gave my kids an opportunity to earn them back.
When one child asked, “Where are my tennis shoes?” I replied, “You left them in the dining room. If you want to dust the bookshelf, they can be yours again.”
I was completely surprised when this plan worked. After a few shoes were paid for with chores, the footwear miraculously found its way into the proper place without my help. And unexpectedly, our shoe experiment branched out.
At the end of each night, I used to pick up toys and take them to our children’s rooms. But our kids started to do that task on their own. I think they were afraid the shoe rule might extend to their toys.
Though I wish we’d started this exercise when our children were younger, I’m glad we began it when we did. The shoe rule was the first step in helping them realize why short-term convenience isn’t always the best answer to a problem.
Instead of feeling entitled to leave their shoes anywhere, taking responsibility to put their things away proved to be a kindness to other family members.
As our children grew, the shoe rule gave us a basis for having other conversations with our kids. We used it in our discussions about choosing to do what was right in the areas of personal responsibility, moral decisions, and kindness over entitlement.
Was saying an unkind word when they felt hurt the best action? Or was holding their tongue better so as to keep from hurting someone’s feelings and learn self-control? Should they cheat off of a friend’s paper or get the grade they deserved, which forced them to study harder?
Because my children had a tangible example for understanding why they were making decisions, they were better able to think through outcomes. They found that taking responsibility not only for their material possessions but also for their social actions was difficult but important. And sometimes doing what was right felt unfair, such as when a sibling appeared to be held to a different standard.
At those times, we talked about Paul’s encouragement in Galatians 6:9: “Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” With each choice to do what was right, my children learned that doing good was seldom the most convenient path, but it had rewards. Not saying an unkind word kept friendships stronger. Not cheating made them better students.
Over time, our kids began to understand how their choices had short-term and long-term consequences. What started as a family rule to get our kids to put away their shoes grew into a great way of teaching our kids responsibility.
That rule became a good example of how doing right was a much better choice than doing what was convenient. Choosing kindness over entitlement was a powerful way to practice responsibility.
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