February 18, 2020
Shy children leave many thoughts bottled up—thoughts that could help him or her connect with others if only they were brought out. Imagine how many incredible thoughts are not shared because of shyness!
Most of us have shy moments. Just as with adults, shyness can leave a child feeling awkward and embarrassed. When it’s severe enough it can be painful and debilitating.
Sadly, shy children leave many thoughts bottled up—thoughts that could help him or her connect with others if only they were brought out. Imagine how many incredible thoughts are not shared with the world because of shyness! Instead of sharing, many shy people are left feeling lonely and afraid.
Some children have a naturally reserved temperament. Often, however, shy children are hesitant to speak because they’re insecure and scared, afraid they will say the wrong thing. He or she may analyze and overanalyze situations and thoughts to the point where they are left behind in the current conversation. Their quietness may be interpreted as aloofness or being uninterested.
Paul encourages us in 2 Timothy 1:7, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” The Living Bible beautifully paraphrases this to say, “For the Holy Spirit, God’s gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy being with them.” As Paul encourages Timothy, we should encourage our children to have confidence in being around other people.
My daughter is a very social person. But when she was much younger she was quite shy and would sometimes cling to our legs, want to be held, or look away when someone she didn’t know tried to say hello or ask her a question. I eventually met with my daughter’s 3rd grade teacher to discuss ways to help her interpret and experience her school as a fun and safe environment. Since then, theater, singing, sports, and great teachers have all helped my daughter become more confident.
In my years working as a child and family therapist and school social worker I’ve helped many parents of kids who struggle to speak and socialize freely. Here are some practical steps I’ve found valuable in helping children break out of their shyness.
Other kids can be very hurtful, and hurtful experiences train us to be a bit shy. It’s important to help your child understand that the mean behavior of others isn’t your child’s fault. Many times kids say and do unkind things because of what’s going on in their own lives.
My daughter still has shy moments, but she’s learning more about herself and what pushes her toward shyness. As you work to help your own child break free from shyness, remember this will take patience, time, intentionality and courage.
© 2020 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved.
Vice President, Parenting and Youth
Dr. Huerta oversees Focus’ initiatives that equip mothers and fathers with biblical and research based principles and guidance for raising healthy, resilient children rooted in a thriving faith in Christ.
Dr. Huerta is a bilingual psychologist, licensed clinical social worker, author of 7 Traits of Effective Parenting, and co-author of Focus on the Family’s Age and Stage resource, and various other resources. He is also the co-host and expert on the Focus on Parenting and the Practice Makes Parent podcasts.
For many years, he has provided families with practical, biblically-based, and research-based parenting advice on key parenting topics. He has been interviewed by various media outlets including Fox News, Fatherly, Christianity Today, WORLD Magazine, The Christian Post and CBN, and regularly speaks on Christian radio stations and podcasts across the United States. He’s also written for various publications and is a regular speaker at retreats, conventions, family camps, online events worldwide, and on various social media channels.
Dr. Huerta has maintained a private practice serving families in Colorado Springs since 2003 and has also served families as an employee of Focus on the Family since 2004.
He and his wife, Heather, love the outdoors, have been married since 1997, and love spending time with their two adult children.
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