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December 19, 2025
The holidays can feel overwhelming when you’re estranged from an adult child. If you’ve been asking yourself how to cope with family estrangement during holidays, you’re not alone.
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
Your holidays can be happy, in spite of the estrangement you’re experiencing with your son or daughter when you choose to stretch your faith muscle and experience God’s grace in these five ways.
If you had invited me for a sleepover when my children were preschoolers—and what could be more fun than that?—and asked during a game of ‘truth or dare’ whether any of my three precious blessings would ever break my heart by severing their relationship with me, I would have answered with absolute certainty: never.
And yet, on December 21, 2021, my son called to tell me he’d decided to stay in NYC and wasn’t getting on the plane to come home for Christmas. ‘It was time,’ he said. ‘Time for what?!’ I wondered, as I cried like the baby he used to be, when being held in my arms was all he ever needed for comfort.
Just a few months later, I got a letter from my daughter, who lived in Colorado, 18 hours away from home in Tennessee. She assured me this was good, not bad, and that she might reconnect with me someday—though she wasn’t sure if ever—and that when that time came, I would know.
Estrangement from our children is unnatural. Its pain seeps into crevices of our hearts we never knew we had. When our minds try to make sense of it, we can’t. When we google for help, we discover words like boundaries, triggers, self-compassion, and mental or emotional trauma. For Christian parents this often includes a significant clash in values and beliefs.
When Jesus walked among us, He immersed Himself in the full human experience that included suffering.
Consider His experience with estrangement.
When it came time for Him to die for our sins, one of His closest friends betrayed Him. Judas was one of 12 men chosen by God to walk with Him, eat with Him, laugh and cry with Him. When Judas betrayed Jesus, I’ve no doubt the psalmist’s words echoed in Jesus’ heart: ‘For it’s not an enemy who taunts me, then I could bear it, it’s not an adversary who deals insolently with me—then I could hide from him. But it is you, a man, my equal, my familiar friend…’ (Psalm 55:12–13 ESV).
And as if that weren’t bad enough, Peter, Jesus’ wingman—the one who was willing to go to war for Him (just ask Malchus)—denied ever knowing Jesus when he, of all the disciples, should’ve been there for Him. But most painfully of all, Jesus was estranged from His Father when He hung on the cross. His final words being ‘My God! My God! Why have You forsaken me?!’ (Matthew 27:46; Psalm 22:1).
We serve a Savior who knows what we’re going through because He’s gone through it too.
When the pain of missing your son or daughter threatens to overwhelm you, take a walk, turn on your favorite worship music, drink in some sunshine and rest in the knowledge that God’s not going anywhere. He will see you through this.
Remember what Christmas means to you. This is easy for me because I asked Jesus into my heart and life at camp the summer before I turned 12. We were celebrating Christmas in July, and the camp missionary was singing ‘O Holy Night.’ When terrible, no good, very bad things happen that try to steal my joy in the holiday season, I go back to camp in my mind. I re-live the night God took me from the manger to the cross and I met my Savior face-to-face.
Give yourself an ‘in spite of the pain in my heart’ challenge each week. There are countless ways you can turn your burden into blessings. What if you baked cookies for first responders? Call the station first to ask if you can drop off a little Christmas cheer. Then bake those cookies—or even your son or daughter’s favorite Christmas treat—and give it as a praise offering to those who serve your community.
Determine to eliminate stress to make room for rest.
This might be the most significant thing you do this year. Your estranged child has already gifted you with the incredible burden of sadness and regret. You don’t have the bandwidth you had when everyone was getting along to create a picture-perfect holiday celebration, so cut yourself some slack and let go of the massive expectations you might have subconsciously heaped on yourself.
Celebrate your estranged child without letting them steal your joy. One of my favorite verses is in Isaiah 49:15, ‘Can a woman forget her nursing child, and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Though these may forget, yet I will not forget you.’ In this verse, Jesus reminds us that He never forgets us, no matter what we’ve done or how far we’ve strayed from Him. In the same way, you won’t ever forget your estranged child, no matter what they’ve done or how far they’ve gone from you.
Use your creative energy and do whatever you dream up! Plant a tree, paint a rock, donate a goat in their honor. Just make sure that you thank God for them and tell Him that you are trusting Him with them.
Discover what God has to teach you. Michelangelo’s statue of David is spectacular. I had the privilege of seeing it at Florence’s Galleria dell’Accademia. It is commonly said that when someone asked Michelangelo how he created such a masterpiece, his response was this: ‘It’s easy, I just remove everything that is NOT David.’ In every painful situation I’ve ever encountered, I’ve learned that God’s diligently removing everything that is not Jesus in me.
My prayer for you is that during this season you might be dreading, God breathes life into your faith, joy into your spirit, and love that expands into the crevices of your hurting heart.
Start by remembering what Christmas truly means—Jesus came to bring hope and peace. Create space for worship and reflection, and invite God to restore your joy. Focus on the relationships you still have and trust Him to provide what you need this season (Philippians 4:19, ESV).
Shift your focus from pain to purpose. Bake treats for first responders, write encouraging notes, or create small gifts to share with others. These acts of kindness lift your spirit and remind you that God can turn burdens into blessings.
Honor your child in creative ways—write letters in a journal, plant a tree, or donate to a charity in their name. Thank God for them and trust Him with their future. This helps you express love while keeping your heart anchored in hope.
Leighann McCoy is an author, podcaster, and speaker. She is also a pastor’s wife, mom and “nana” on a mission to get people praying. She founded the Prayer Clinic ministry to provide resources, training and encouragement to the local church. Leighann has nearly 40 years in ministry alongside her husband Tom. They have recently released an online course for parents of prodigals called Perfecting the Art of Parenting Your Prodigal(s). To learn more about Leighann go to www.leighannmccoy.com
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