How to Overcome Mom Guilt: Steps for Faithful Christian Parenting

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Overcoming Mom Guilt

The solution to overcoming mom guilt lies in taking ownership of your part, seeking forgiveness, and letting go of the guilt.

I’ve experienced mom guilt—more than once. With four children, it was bound to happen. My baby fell out of his car seat because I failed to buckle him in correctly. I forgot to take my eight-year-old daughter to her piano lesson. And when my son was in middle school, he forged a note to his teacher, even though he knew better.

But nothing ignited my mom guilt like my teen watching pornography. That experience produced a whole bunch of emotions—anger, sadness, pain, shame, and, of course, guilt.

No matter how hard we try, there will be moments when we fall short as parents. Even with our best efforts, our children will sometimes make unhealthy choices — and in those moments, guilt can arise.

Mom guilt takes root.

Sometimes guilt is short-lived. I rescued my baby, and he was fine. He had no injuries and no memory of his mom’s failure. I cried a few tears, cuddled him, and consoled myself. All was forgotten the next day.

I apologized to my daughter and her piano teacher, forgave myself, and double-checked my calendar the next week. She recovered from her embarrassment.

My son received detention for his fake note, paid his debt, and went about life as if nothing had happened. I reminded him of God’s word concerning lying and deceiving, and kept on parenting.

With my teen watching porn, however, mom guilt took up residence in my life. It moved in and stuck around, clinging to me. I couldn’t shake it.

I felt I had failed him. I had a vague idea that pornography was accessible online, but since we were a Christian home school family — and my husband was a pastor — I assumed my children wouldn’t seek out pornography.

But I was wrong and I felt guilty for not putting proper guardrails in place. I felt wrong for not understanding my son’s curiosity and need for fulfillment. There was guilt for not noticing the signs that something was amiss. I bore the weight of this responsibility and wore mom guilt as a result.

You’re not alone.

Maybe you’ve just found out that your child has been sneaking out at night, or discovered a hidden phone your daughter’s been using, or learned that your son has been drinking with his friends. Whatever the situation, you can’t help but feel the weight of responsibility.

Like me, you might ask yourself where you went wrong. How did you miss the signs? Could you have parented your child differently?

You’re not alone. Let me share a few lessons I’ve picked up on my own journey.

1 – This does not define you.

A few years after I learned of my son’s indiscretions, a friend called me about her son’s ongoing problematic behavior. Her wound was raw, and I detected signs of defeat in her voice. I told her, “You are not a bad mom.” I heard a sigh of relief from the other end of the phone.

If you’re measuring your worth and value by your children’s accomplishments and failures, you will never be good enough.

Thankfully, we are not defined by our children—their personality traits or their choices. Our identity comes from Christ. In Him, we are precious, holy, adopted, loved, accepted, and redeemed.

The best we can do is face each problem as it presents itself and learn from it. Then pass along the love and acceptance we receive from God to our children.

2 – It’s not personal.

We’re under the false impression that our children make logical, thought-out, rational decisions. We assume they contemplate a situation, heed our advice regarding its dangers, and make their choices accordingly. If they dive into an unhealthy behavior, we picture them purposefully plotting against us—turning their backs on us just to hurt us.

In reality, most of their choices have nothing to do with us. Our children make impulsive decisions based on curiosity, peer pressure, and gut instinct. Then, once they’ve been sucked into the behavior, their cravings take over. Their choices are not a personal attack.

3 – Take a breath.

I work for a non-profit teaching 8^th– and 9^th-graders how to avoid risky behaviors and make healthy choices. We caution them not to allow their emotions to dictate their behaviors. When emotions are screaming, give them space. Allow the incessant feeling to settle and put the thinking part of the brain—the part that makes rational decisions—back in charge before acting.

We can learn from this lesson. When we detect mom guilt pressing in we can pause and allow it some space. Breathe. Offer yourself grace. Wait until the emotions settle before proceeding.

4 – Confess and let go.

As moms we fail and that’s okay. Rather than striving to be perfect, let’s strive for excellence. When we fall short accept it, and own it.

When I forgot to take my daughter to her piano lesson, I asked her to forgive me, admitting I had fallen short of my responsibility. In my teen’s case, I asked him to forgive me for not protecting him better. I should have put filters on his devices and educated him about the dangers of pornography.

I couldn’t change the past, but I could work on the relationships by admitting the areas in which I failed.

Apologizing and acknowledging our faults, mistakes, and poor choices are not weaknesses. Rather, these actions reflect character strengths that we hope our children adopt as they mature.

After we confess, we have to leave it in the past.

As our children mature, they are responsible for their behaviors. My teen who watched pornography made decisions that were his alone. I couldn’t walk around with false guilt hanging over my head. I let go of the portion that wasn’t mine and hoped he would take responsibility for his part of the problem.

Thankfully, through Christ, we can forgive, let go of the hurt, and release the guilt.

5 – We can’t change them.

We sometimes believe we can control our environment and everyone around us. When our children are infants and toddlers they rely on us, physically and intellectually. We decide what clothes they wear, what food they eat, and which friends they interact with. We even do little things like protect them from bumping their heads and falling down the stairs.

But as they age we slowly transfer responsibility to them. Yes, we still protect them as much as we can. But part of allowing our children to mature is releasing ourselves from bearing the consequences of their actions. We must recognize we cannot do the work for them —  that means watching them struggle through challenges and ramifications.

We can’t change our children. We can’t want it for them. That desire must come from within them.

When we embrace these truths, a weight lifts from our shoulders, and we are in a better position to come alongside our children and help them.

Keep going.

We desire what’s best for our children. We want them to be successful and thrive. That’s why we’re distressed when they hurt or make unhealthy choices. That’s why mom guilt exists. Thankfully, it’s not permanent. We don’t have to let guilt and shame win.

I encourage you to take ownership of your part, seek forgiveness, and let go. Allow others to take responsibility for their portion. See your child as a work in progress, accepting their need to struggle through their problems. But be available and walk with them.

As you continue parenting, take care of yourself because your children need you. They are worth the time and effort you put into yourself and them. You can do this.