Releasing your son to be the man and husband God created him to be, is hard, but can be one of your greatest blessings.
As I whistled loudly, Brandon searched the crowd until his gaze met mine. Brandon’s eyes scanned the audience until he found me. Then he smiled, winked his little eye, and gave me a nod. With that purposeful wink, my son’s heart connected with mine in a way I will never forget. Hours before Brandon was to sing in his kindergarten Christmas program, he had been a bundle of nerves. I encouraged him and promised to pray for God to help him do his best. Dressed in his red sweater, sporting a fresh haircut, he bravely joined his classmates on stage.
When the time came for Brandon to sing, the sweetest song flowed from his lips. Oh, how his courage made this mama’s heart proud. Mothers and sons have the sweetest connection. It’s a special relationship, that can become difficult for moms to let go of their sons when they get married.
If your son is married and you’re grieving the change in your connection, I understand. I’d love to walk you through this. There are several reasons why stepping back is crucial. It’s important to reestablish your relationship with him. This will help his marriage thrive.
Encourage Autonomy Your goal as a mother is to help your children grow less dependent on you as they mature. In theory, you know this to be true. However, if you’ve spent your life helping your son learn to make good decisions and reach for his dreams, then the reality of him growing less dependent on you can be a difficult experience.
This, coupled with your son transferring his loyalty to his wife, might leave you feeling grievous, or even competitive.
But here’s the thing: if you don’t encourage your married son’s autonomy, it could strain his marriage. Over more than 35 years in ministry, I’ve seen many mothers create tough choices for their sons. These sons had to choose between loyalty to their wives and loyalty to their mothers. If a son’s wife thinks he can’t cut the apron strings, it will lead to conflict. It can also cause resentment towards the mother-in-law. Don’t be that mom!
Boundaries and Balance. Imagine if your son makes a financial decision for his family. He has discussed it with his wife, but then changes his mind after he has had a talk with you. How might his wife interpret his new perspective on a decision they had carefully weighed out together?
You see where I am going with this?
Even if you have great counsel to share, you would be wise to ask permission of both your son and his wife before you divulge your three-point outline of what decision you think they should make.
I’m not saying you lack important discernment, but a wise mother-in-law realizes the value of praying for your son and his wife to make wise choices. Ask God to help you decide when to hold your peace and when to offer helpful suggestions. And be ready to accept with grace their decision if they decline your help.
For me, I have asked my four adult children and their spouses to let me know if I am being too “helpful.” “Too helpful” are literally the words they use to remind me when I’m overstepping boundaries. I’m grateful for their lighthearted reminders, and I am careful to take their cues when they clearly don’t want my input.
Build Strong Bonds.
Marriage is a covenant relationship between your son and his wife. The Bible says the two actually become one flesh. And the Bible also instructs a couple to leave and cleave to their spouse. By stepping back and allowing your son and his wife to develop a sense of unity as a couple, you are helping them honor God’s plan for their marriage. And in so doing, you can help foster a supportive and harmonious bond between the couple and yourself.
This beautiful bond will become the foundation for open communication, mutual respect, and emotional connection with the couple. This not only benefits the couple, but it strengthens your overall family dynamic and fosters loving relationships that will last a lifetime.
Brandon grew up singing and playing Christian music on countless stages. Whenever I could be in the audience, I’d whistle loudly at the end of his performance. I’d watch Brandon’s eyes scan the crowd to follow the sound of my whistle. Once he found me, he would give me that smile and throw me a wink.
A year after Brandon married his wife, Jessy, a friend happened to be seated in the audience behind Jessy while Brandon played at an event. The friend sent me a picture of the back of Jessy looking up toward Brandon on stage. Then the friend texted these simple yet powerful words: “He winks at her now.”
As you might imagine, tears immediately began to trickle down my cheeks. Not tears of sorrow. No. Rather, tears of gratitude that my son had found his person. The scripture came to mind, he has found the one “whom [his] soul loves” (Song of Solomon 3:1). God had led Brandon to the one with whom he would now cleave. And now my new role was to celebrate their love, support them with prayer, and cheer them on as they journey in their new life together.
And respecting my son’s union with his wife, while supporting his marriage, only knit our hearts closer together in a new and wonderful way reflected in this Mother’s Day song that Brandon wrote years later.
The song was played on our Moms Raising Sons interview at Focus on the Family. You can watch a slide show of our family and listen to the song here. Grab a tissue!
Mom, I know how challenging it can be to let go of your son when he takes a wife. But this natural progression is ordained by God and is essential for your son’s growth, independence, and the overall health of his marriage.
By encouraging autonomy, creating boundaries with balance, and building strong bonds, you can play an essential part in helping your son’s marriage thrive.
Which in turn will endear you to your son and his bride. So, dear mother, embrace your new role. Pray for their union. And enjoy the beautiful journey of watching the couple’s relationship flourish in their sacred covenant of marriage.
Drawing upon 35 years of experience as a mentor, pastor’s wife, and homeschool mom, Rhonda Stoppe offers encouragement and guidance to women as an author, humorist, and public speaker. She is popularly known as the “No Regrets Woman,” as she is passionate about helping women live life without regrets. Rhonda hosts the Old Ladies Know Stuff podcast. Her books include Moms Raising Sons to Be Men, Real Life Romance, and The Marriage Mentor, which she co-authored with her husband, Steve. The couple resides in northern California and has four grown children and 15 grandchildren. You can learn more about Rhonda at her website, NoRegretsWoman.com.
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