Porn is not just a “guy problem.” Uncover the truth about porn and how it affects you, even if you don’t view it.
The first time Shea was introduced to pornography, she was too young to know what it was. Looking for tips to beat her favorite video game, she clicked the wrong link. At first, she was disgusted by what she saw. Then a natural, yet misguided, curiosity kept her clicking—for years.
Bethany adored her longtime boyfriend. When he suggested they watch a video to “spice up” their relationship, she reasoned they were going to get married someday, so what could it hurt? Eventually they broke up, but she couldn’t stop watching porn.
Lia felt like an outsider at school. When she stumbled onto a fantasy fan fiction group, she thought she had finally found her people. She dove headlong into every book and group they recommended. But soon the books and accompanying art became explicit.
With more than half of kids being exposed to porn by age 13, you might even have your own story. If you are one of those kids, you may feel troubled, guilty or confused, or you may have difficulty staying away from pornography use. Or perhaps you want to know how to avoid the battle of looking at porn altogether and become a trusted friend to someone who might be struggling. >
What is porn anyway? And why is it a big deal? Well, pornography is any photo, video or written description of erotic behavior that is meant to turn someone on sexually. (If you need more explanation, please talk to a parent or trusted adult—don’t Google it! An online search could lead you to unsafe sites.)
Our bodies aren’t “bad.” Sex isn’t “bad.” God created our bodies to be alluring, and He made us sexual beings—on purpose. But He designed sex to be enjoyed between a man and a woman in the context of marriage. He didn’t intend for us to watch other people partaking of that gift.
Some will say porn is harmless—that no one gets hurt. But here is the truth about porn: It hurts not only the person viewing it but also those who make it. The Bible makes God’s truth on this clear by telling us to stay away from “sexual immorality” (Acts 15:20; Mark 7:20-23).
Even if you’re not looking at porn, its widespread presence in our culture affects you. How?
A lot of girls are good at becoming whatever they think others will find beautiful. When sexy is the new cute, a quick scroll through TikTok or the Gram shows what to bare and shake to get more likes. Maybe you’re stressing over whether your boyfriend is comparing you to virtual girls or you’re wearing lingerie-inspired outfits after seeing others wear them. Those are all “beauty” trends that mirror the normalization of porn.
Many teens who consume porn do so partly to learn about sex. Unfortunately, porn portrays distorted views of what it means to be a man or a woman. It promotes unrealistic expectations, violence and forced behavior (making people do something they don’t want to do). And it fails to mention the consequences—physical and emotional—the truth about porn.
Have you noticed more sexual joking and harassment at school? Before the normalization of porn, it was virtually unheard of for a guy to ask a girl to give him nude photos or to brag about upskirting (taking an inappropriate photo, including one up someone’s skirt, without permission). And sexting wasn’t a thing. Sexualized photos of minors are illegal; yet many don’t realize how violating and wrong these exploitative images are.
Because porn presents a distorted view of intimacy, it can wreak havoc on romantic relationships—from dating to marriage. It makes relationships more about the physical and leaves out the emotional and spiritual. People aren’t seen and loved for the whole person they are.
Some have called porn “the new drug” because it affects the pleasure centers of the brain similar to other addictive substances and behaviors. The user has to scale up and increase use to get the same high. Galatians 5:17 tells how our flesh and the Spirit are in opposition to one another. That’s why Paul encourages us to pursue the fruit of the Spirit, in verses 22-24, so we live lives of peace instead of being controlled by an addiction. That’s the truth about porn.
At its core, porn teaches men and women to view each other as objects and often influences women to fear men. When a viewer’s pleasure comes before the viewed’s dignity, everyone loses.
Stats and observations don’t help much when you’re stuck in this stuff, right? If you find yourself going back again and again to explicit books or images despite all your best attempts to stop, the first thing you need to know is, you’re not alone. Porn isn’t just a “guy problem.” It’s a sin problem.
Thankfully, God is in the business of graciously helping us understand why we’re repeating these cycles. He cares and will help you make real and sustainable changes (1 Corinthians 10:13). There is hope.
Of course, finding freedom from addictive behavior can be hard. But it’s possible. And so worth it. Here are a few of the many freedom steps you can start to take today:
Shame fuels addiction. And nothing feeds shame like silence. When we confess our sin to God, He forgives us (1 John 1:9). When we confess our sins to others, the Bible says we find healing (James 5:16).
Interesting, right? To win the battle against porn, we’ll have to bring it into the light. Yes, that means talking about the truth about porn. With someone else. That may sound akin to being eaten alive by piranhas. But one of Satan’s classic lies—meant to keep you paralyzed by shame—is, “If they knew what you’ve actually done, they’d never think of you the same way.”
Why does he harp on that one? Because he knows that as long as you keep your junk to yourself, trying to be a solo sin-slayer, his battle is half won. He knows that confessing and being accountable to and finding help from a parent, youth leader, counselor or mature friend has unparalleled power to initiate real change.
Personally, I can’t resist a slice of double-layer chocolate cake—with all its rich chocolatey-ness and gooey frosting—when it’s sitting on a plate next to a glass of milk. That battle was lost when I put it in my shopping cart.
Sheer willpower is a thin defense against addictions of the chocolate and porn variety. So take some time to think about the safeguards you can use. Internet filters are a start, but usually not enough.
Your game plan will be unique to you and your temptations as you learn more about the truth about porn. But give yourself a fighting chance by leaving the “cake” at the grocery store.
God can free you from the trap of habitual porn use instantly. But more often, it’s a journey full of ups and downs, victories and setbacks. Know this at the start so you don’t give up when you fail. Because if or when you make a mistake, Satan will try to convince you that:
You’re never going to change, and since you’re a big screwup who Jesus is tired of forgiving, you might as well quit fighting and give in to temptation.
Now that you know Satan’s strategy, may I remind you of the truth about who you are and what God’s grace is really like?
You are a sinner, but Jesus died and rose so His perfection can be credited to you. He can forgive you every single time, even as His Spirit works in you until you get to see God face to face and say adios to all temptation.
When we live like we believe those truths, it transforms how we approach the process of change and any failures we have along the way. Instead of wallowing in defeated self-pity, God’s grace causes us to keep moving forward, armed with faith, gratitude and hope.
You didn’t choose to be born into a porn-saturated culture. But you need the truth and do get to choose whether you’ll learn the street smarts to navigate it well.
Speak up for yourself. Just because something is accepted as normal doesn’t mean it’s good or right. If anyone talks to you, touches you, pressures you or ridicules you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t just laugh awkwardly, go silent or freeze. Inappropriate joking, sexual harassment or sexual pushiness might be accepted in porn, but it’s not OK in real life. You have permission to stand up for yourself.
Speak out against porn. In the early 2010s, we began to see a global outcry against sex trafficking, the illegal movement of people to take advantage of them sexually. Brave men and women exposed what many of us had no idea was happening. Since that time, countless organizations have been created to free those who are enslaved, government entities have prosecuted perpetrators and cooperatives have helped rehabilitate survivors.
We’re not going to see an end to trafficking until we end the demand. And what helps to fuel the demand? Porn. Trafficking won’t stop until we cut the supply of porn, which pushes the global appetite for behaviors that harm others.
This is a lot to take in, and battles are seldom won in the first skirmish. Having a game plan and educating yourself will make you stronger in the moment, empowering you to make choices and turn from old habits. Along the way, don’t forget to offer grace and hope to those who are struggling to overcome their addictions too.
If you’ve never stumbled across porn, this article might leave you curious. Please talk to a parent or trusted adult to have your questions answered about the truth about porn. An online search for information could lead you to unhelpful, unsafe places.
If you know someone who needs help or you know that you need help but you’re not sure where to begin, Focus on the Family is here for you. Call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. Mountain time, or go to FocusOnTheFamily.com/GetHelp to request a counselor callback. Mention you’re a Brio reader so you can be connected to the right counselor and have read this article about the truth about porn.
Jessie Minassian is a popular speaker, blogger, and author of fourteen books, including Crushed: Why Guys Don’t Have to Make or Break You and Unashamed: Overcoming the Sins No Girl Wants to Talk About. She is the “resident big sis” at LifeLoveandGod.com, a Q&A website for teen and college-age girls. Her work for girls and their parents has been featured internationally through outlets such as Focus on the Family, Parenting Today’s Teens, She Reads Truth, Axis, Revive Our Hearts and YouthWorker Journal. She and her husband live in California and have two daughters. To find out more, or connect with Jessie, visit LifeLoveandGod.com.
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