Here are seven ideas for keeping the right perspective, even when your child is driving you nuts.
When personality clashes occur between family members, here are tips to help.
Have you ever felt a sudden flash of annoyance when your child’s behavior doesn’t match your expectations? Perhaps she looks down and says nothing when a friend of yours greets her. He may wander off as you look at paint samples in the hardware store. Maybe she giggles during the entire theatre performance. At such moments, you may not enjoy being with your child very much. Yet simply understanding the source of your irritation can go a long way in helping you overcome frustration and correct your child effectively. The first step is realizing that personality clashes can occur when:
You may not always be patient with your child when she displays inherent personality traits, especially if they are directly opposite from your own. If you are quiet by nature, a nonstop chatterer may annoy you, no matter how much you love your child. Conversely, if you are sociable, you may lose patience with a shy, quiet thinker who has trouble expressing feelings and thoughts. A child with a strong inborn sense of fairness coupled with a strong will may want to debate every issue. That may drive you nuts — especially when half the time he is right.
Consider how you and your child differ in terms of persistence and attention span; activity level; sensory threshold; mood, and intensity of responses; approach or withdrawal; adaptability; and regularity. It’s easy to see how problems and personality clashes can arise if you and your child differ in these areas. Perhaps you can relate to one of the following examples:
You want to hurry to the grocery store. Your child, slowly and deliberately insists on tying his own shoes, wait, just let him make that loop … very slowly … then, oops … start over. Or you want your child to stick with and finish the project she insisted you do together, and now she’s wandering, daydreaming, already clamoring to do something else.
You are exhausted from work and want to relax and read Winnie the Pooh to your child. He wants to roller skate, hike, bike, go, go, go! If you’re the one with a high activity level, you may spend an entire morning fruitlessly searching for the perfect outfit for your daughter to wear in an upcoming family portrait. When you tell her you’re willing to drive to another mall to continue the search, she may burst into tears and say she just wants to go home.
You barely notice sounds, smells, or the textures of fabrics. She incessantly overreacts to neck tags and other such dreadful stuff. You think she’s hysterical. She thinks you’re insensitive. Or maybe your child drives you crazy by making loud truck noises as he pushes his monster truck across the kitchen floor while you’re at the table trying to balance your family’s budget.
You are emotionally expressive. He’s hard to read. Getting him to tell you what’s going on in his mind is like pulling teeth. Or perhaps your child becomes hysterical over a scratch that doesn’t even bleed, and you want to say, “Just get over it!”
You are outgoing and the life of every party. You’ve got to drop your child off at preschool and run some errands, but your child is shyly, stubbornly clinging to you. Or you may be a little shy and your child charges up to strangers, forcing you to interact with them when you may not feel entirely comfortable doing so.
You’ve set aside a day to swim and play at a new water park on your family vacation. When you pull off the interstate and into the newly paved parking lot, however, you discover that the park hasn’t officially opened yet. Though you’re all disappointed, you can’t understand why your son is still sulking late that afternoon while the rest of the family is having a blast building an ornate sand castle at the nearby public beach. If your child is the more adaptable one, however, he may be the one to suggest going to the beach while you’re angrily composing a letter in your head to the magazine that said the water park had opened the previous week.
A friend calls and invites you to the mall for lunch. Frustrated, you tell her no. Though you’d love to go, you know that if your toddler daughter doesn’t eat or sleep at exactly the same time every day she becomes an emotional mess. Perhaps it is you who likes predictability. Just when you get used to working during his naps he changes his schedule again. Then he quits napping altogether and you wring your hands. When will you ever get your work done?
Can you see how personality differences can lead to big conflicts and personality clashes with your child? As I’ll point out over and over again, just being aware of how your personality traits are different — as well as alike — can help you maintain your cool.
Want some additional tips for dealing with personality clashes between you and your children?
How can you keep the proper perspective when your child is driving you nuts? Take a moment to consider the advice of Philippians 4:8: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.”
What in your child is excellent, honorable, and admirable? How often do you fix your thoughts on what is lovely and worthy of praise? That same child who always seems to defy you may someday be able to look a classmate in the eye and say “No!” when he’s offered a joint. Your extremely shy daughter may be the only one with enough sensitivity to reach the lonely heart of a grandparent who is grieving over the loss of a spouse.
It can be refreshing to stop, look at your kids, and listen to them long enough and deeply enough to consider all that admirable in them. Delight in those attributes you see, in any measure!
Find the upside of your child’s negative traits and share with other grown-ups who spend time with your child. Sometimes finding the positive means looking at an annoying trait in a new way. You may be frustrated when your child wanders away five minutes after starting to paint (and after you spent twice that long locating and dragging out all the supplies), but don’t forget the bright side: Your easily distracted child is also likely to be flexible. That means that if you read about a fun family event in the paper, only to discover it starts in fifteen minutes, you and your child might actually make it there on time. Also, a flexible child may gracefully let you stop in the middle of a table game that you find dull.
An extremely stubborn child may frustrate you by insisting on dressing himself in a striped shirt and plaid shorts. Don’t forget, however, that he will also — before you know it — efficiently pack a school backpack without a whit of supervision.
Your child is also likely to react more positively if he understands your differences and how they sometimes lead to conflict. Don’t just point out your differences, however; be sure to tell your child what you appreciate about him. For example, say “I can appreciate that you are [energetic, sensitive … ]. That’s a good thing and will help you [accomplish your goals, make others feel cared for …]. I am different from you in that I like to [relax when I get home, be flexible …] and that can be a good thing too.”
Never assume you have your child all figured out. Personality typing is a form of labeling. Behaviors are clustered together and kids with those personalities are assumed to act exactly alike. That isn’t so — kids are also affected by their experiences and their own special wiring.
For example, if your child hates sudden transitions, build into your mental schedule a little extra time for five-minute warnings to wrap up activities. If your activity level is higher than your child’s, be willing to spend less time doing what you want to avoid burning out your child.
By the same token, talk to your child about making “trades”: “Stick with me without complaining until I can get these errands done, then we’ll stop at a fast-food joint with an indoor playground where you can run like crazy.”
Accept parenting requires some self-sacrifice, but take breaks when you need them. If your child requires more energy to parent than others, you’re probably well-versed in the sacrifices of parenthood! Don’t forget, however, that you need time to recharge. That may mean asking your spouse or a friend to help so you can spend some time away from your child.
Keep tabs on your own emotional meter. If you have PMS, overdue bills, and you didn’t sleep much last night because a child woke up twice in pain from an ear infection, it won’t take much to make you impatient or annoyed or weepy. Forgive yourself if you overreact and recognize when you need time alone.
If the conflicts between you and your child ever increase your anger to the point that you may be abusive (including verbally), it’s critical that you get help and find some new strategies.
It may seem like a no-brainer to suggest that family members with like interests do things together, but it’s possible they may need a suggestion or a reminder. It’s likely, however, that the more they have fun together, the more they will cook up activities on their own.
Personality clashes are often the source of frustration between parent and child. Sometimes just meeting other moms and dads who face some of the same struggles can restore a sense of perspective and hope. Moms’ groups such as MOPS and MomTime, Dads’ groups, or groups for single parents can all offer support and friendship.
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