In the wake of unexpected violence erupting on the screen it’s important to equip children with the necessary facts to process these tragic events.
Estimated reading time: 11 minutes
As my kids and I were arriving at my son’s basketball practice, an airplane flew over us. This one was quite a bit louder and faster than your average over-the-city airliner, so my daughter looked up to see what all the noise was about. Little did I know this would turn into a conversation about helping her process violence.
“Are they coming to bomb us, Daddy?” she asked, moving closer to me.
I told her no, but her question surprised me, so I asked her why she thought that. My daughter told me she’d heard something at school — a news story about an airport and bombs and people getting killed. We talked a bit about the story she’d heard, about how awful things do sometimes happen, then I reassured her that the aircraft roaring above wasn’t going to harm us.
In today’s media-saturated culture, families are surrounded by accounts of shootings, bombings, mass killings, and the horrors of war.
Our kids won’t fully understand these stories, but they’ll be frightened just the same. As parents, we need to help them have the necessary facts to process these tragic events and a larger understanding to ease their fears.
Here are a few principles to help you talk with your children about man-made tragedies:
As parents, we want our children to verbalize their fears and concerns to us. My son is 13, and I value those moments when he comes to me, letting me know he’s worried about or afraid of something. I know the day of his independence is coming — when we’ll not have as many of these conversations. It is through these exchanges that I prepare him for that future. I encourage his trust by actively listening and not downplaying his fears. I avoid criticizing flawed logic, even as I work to correct it. Kids may not be able to articulate what they are scared of, but those emotions are real.
Try to see things from your child’s perspective.
Whatever media they are exposed to, ask yourself how they might interpret what they’ve seen and heard. When my daughter was five or six, she was accidentally exposed to a few moments of a disturbing news report. That night at bedtime, she was reminded of those pictures.
“Can I have a light on tonight?” she asked, looking around the room nervously.
I did turn on a nightlight, but then I knelt down and looked around the room from her angle. We explored these familiar surroundings together, helping her see again that her room and closet were safe. Some stuffed animals were casting odd shadows, so we relocated them. I knew there was nothing in the room that could harm her, but it was important for my daughter to have a small sense of control over that environment and know that she could voice her fears to her father.
As parents, most of us would probably prefer to protect our kids from ever having to wrestle with the idea of mass violence. This type of protection is more possible for younger kids up to age 3. Preschoolers aren’t able to process these sorts of events. Also, we can usually limit the flow of media that these young ones are exposed to.
But as kids start into the school years — as they’re able to understand the big words in a top-of-the-hour news report or headline on the computer screen — they’re going to be asking questions. Answer their questions with the truth. As sad as it may be, helping your kids process violence requires providing your children with the basic facts about what happened.
Most kids ages 4 to 8 won’t be looking for a lengthy conversation. You shouldn’t go into too many details. A simple, straightforward explanation is usually best: “A man who was very angry hurt a lot of people at an airport. Some of those people died.”
A child’s world is generally pretty small, and kids may think that the horrible news events they’ve heard about are just across town or right next door. Depending on the tragedy, kids may also believe a number of inaccuracies that are fueled by rumors at school or from conversations with friends. So correct whatever exaggerations or inaccuracies they may have heard. One of the first things I talk about with my kids is simple geographic distance. We look at a map or globe and talk about where the tragedy occurred. Then, we want to discuss how far away or close it is from our home.
Tell the truth, but don’t dwell on information and imagery that will deepen fears. Your goal as a parent is to help your kids feel safe and grounded and learn how to handle stress. Children are comforted by the stability and safety their parents provide, knowing that even if bad things happen, the family will get through it together. This creates what scientists call “tolerable stress.”
With kids 9 to 12, you can follow these same guidelines and start to broaden the conversation with a few more details and insights. And when children enter the teen years, you can look deeper into these issues, wrestling with the meaning and faith implications behind the events.
When considering how much to share with your children, maturity level and temperament are more important than age. As a parent, you know your children and what they can handle. Weigh this knowledge against the need to give them enough information to understand and process these stories. You may find that you’re having weightier conversations with a 9-year-old than you are with an 11-year-old.
Some children have a personality that seems more curious and news-ready. These uninhibited children are just not all that fearful. When they go hiking, these kids want to tiptoe right up to the edge of every drop-off. And when hearing about tragedies in the world, they’ll not shy away from the gritty details of a story.
They often seek to learn and understand everything they can about a news event. With these kids, we should try to guide our conversation to help them understand that real people were hurt, that real people are still hurting. You’ll also want them to consider the spiritual side of these tragedies, in order to move them toward empathy. Invite them to pray with you for the victims and even the perpetrators.
Other children, the inhibited types, tend to be more afraid. With these kids, you’ll want to work on the trait of courage. Let them know it’s not bad to be fearful. These emotions are normal. The brain is trying to think through what happened. But those emotions shouldn’t keep us from living our lives. God intends for us to continue doing the things we normally do.
Be aware of the emotions you’re modeling for your kids. Many children, particularly younger ones, pick up on our actions and outward displays of emotion. This has a strong influence on how they will think and feel about something.
Are you making comments — perhaps about not leaving the house or trying to avoid crowds — that will mold their thinking and their fears? Adults are allowed to be scared, of course, but it’s often better to talk about these things with a spouse behind closed doors.
In our home, my wife and I do discuss tragic news events with our children, but we often save the raw emotions and details about these stories for when the kids are in bed for the night.
Remind your children of how seldom these tragedies occur. I recently asked my daughter to consider what a television news report would look like if it covered all the times an airplane landed without incident and all the times people safely attended movies and concerts and carnivals.
“It would go on for a really long time,” she responded.
“And no one would think it was very exciting,” I said. “So instead, they focus on rare, awful events. Those tragedies get highlighted so much that it’s easy to think that terrible news is the only kind of news there is.”
Many kids ask, “Why did God allow this to happen?” or “Couldn’t He have stopped this from happening?”
Minimize exposure to news. Most young kids have difficulty processing what they see and hear on the news. Many assume what they see is happening nearby – in their minds the world isn’t very big.
Look at the events through your child’s eyes. Each child filters news differently according to his or her personality. Kids with more inhibited or anxious personalities may stay focused on worrying while others move toward thoughts of action or fixing. Taking time to understand how each child processes will help you craft your approach.
Pause and listen. Let your child ask questions. Put aside your own world to enter his as he tries to process information. If he feels anxious, reassure him with scriptures like Psalm 56:3, Isaiah 26:3-4, Psalm 62:1-2 and Psalm 91:1-2.
It’s important that we help our kids not dwell on the negative. God’s goodness and truth are alive during even the darkest times.
As you process these events together, remind your children that the true story is bigger than the bloodshed. Help your kids process violence by pointing them toward all the good that happens. Look for the men and women who are risking their lives to save others. Look for those who drive ambulances or direct traffic toward safety. Those who bring bandages and blankets, those who donate blood, those who hand out sandwiches and water bottles. Look for those who are involved in the lives of victims, giving them comfort and helping them heal.
Pray together. Pray for everyone involved, the communities and the nation. Prayer truly gives a sense of peace for things we cannot control.
Practice empathy. Take time to have sorrow for the sin in the world and the pain it creates. Scripture tells us to mourn with those who mourn. Psalm 147:3 says “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” What would it mean to be brokenhearted and what does healing look like for them?
Age 0-3 — Young children feed off emotions they perceive. Turn off the news, or if your family wants to watch and discuss the stories, do it when your very young child is sleeping or out of earshot.
Age 4-8 — Most kids this age quickly move on to whatever is happening in their own lives. They don’t need to watch the news because what happens on television seems real to them. They might ask if it will happen to them or if it happened at their school. Patiently respond to questions without details and reassure them of their present safety. Add some safe and loving touches if they are anxious.
Older kids in this age group may react by play acting a superhero, attacking the “bad guys.” That’s healthy. You may even want to join in.
Age 9-12 — This age group also processes events according to their own world. They’ll wonder if this will happen at their school. News feeds are not helpful for this age group and can create anxiety or fascination with the stories.
Some kids, especially boys with more uninhibited personalities, may envision themselves being the hero and saving the world. Step into their imaginations with them as they try to resolve some of these issues.
This is where different personalities are especially evident:
Help your teen understand her or own personality and how it affects her information processing. Encourage her to be open to other points of view.
Kids, especially teens, want to know what to do in response to a tragedy. You may want to coach them in these ways when processing tragic news:
Pray. Prayer is a powerful weapon against evil. It’s an opportunity to speak with our Heavenly Father. Talk about times God has answered prayer and the power we have in 24/7 access to the Creator of the universe.
Become wise consumers of media. There is graphic violence, sex and language in movies, television and video games. What does wisdom look like when it comes to media consumption? How does media impact us personally and in the culture as a whole?
Discuss what really is missing.
And of course, as Christians, we know that the story is even bigger. Jesus is the ultimate helper. His response to the sin and evil of our world is to come down to our level and take the punishment for all of it. Sin creates chaos and pain. God rescues our fallen race from that misery. Isaiah 26:3-4 says God will give peace to a person who wholeheartedly trusts in Him and keeps his mind focused on Him. Finally, He does not leave us as orphans. He comes to strengthen, comfort and help.
Dr. Daniel Huerta is Vice President of Parenting and Youth for Focus on the Family, overseeing the ministry’s initiatives that equip moms and dads with biblical principles and counsel for raising healthy, resilient children rooted in a thriving faith.
He is a psychologist, a licensed clinical social worker, and the author of 7 Traits of Effective Parenting. For many years, he has provided families with practical, biblically-based and research-based parenting advice on topics including media discernment, discipline, communication, mental health issues, conflict resolution, and healthy sexuality in the home. He is passionate about coming alongside parents as they raise contributors, instead of consumers, in a culture desperately in need of God’s kingdom.
Dr. Huerta has been interviewed by various media outlets including Fox News, Fatherly, Christianity Today, WORLD Magazine, and CBN, and he is a frequent guest on Christian radio stations across the nation. He’s also written for publications, including The Washington Post, on various topics related to marriage and parenting. He participated in the development of Focus on the Family’s Launch Into the Teen Years, a resource to help parents prepare their kids for adolescence, and he speaks regularly at retreats, conventions, and online events.
Dr. Huerta has maintained a private practice in Colorado Springs, Colorado since 2003 and has served families through Focus on the Family since 2004. He and his wife, Heather, have been married since 1997 and love being parents to their three teen children, Alex, Lexi, and Maci.
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