A Father's Prayer and Abortion
Every parent hopes that their children experience more blessings than bumps. As a dad, my father’s prayer has always been focused on the protection and well-being of my children. Each parent has their own testimony of trials and struggles and how God worked in their lives along the way.
Each person has their own journey, a journey that features both trials and triumphs. Some of us have more blessings than bumps in the road, whereas, for others, we wonder if life will ever get any better. From the loss and hurt experienced in my own journey, I extend a father’s prayer of hope, healing, and courage.
I met my birth mom when I was 20 years old, and through our visit, I had the opportunity to hear her story and how I came into being. When I discovered her journey and the challenges she faced to bring me into life, and the sacrifice she made to give me a family through the process of adoption, I promised God that I would do anything, anytime, anywhere for the cause of life. I owed it to Him, and I owed it to her.
Key Takeaways
- The Lord may test your faith
- The Lord may test your faith…again
- A Father’s voice has a huge impact
- Practical ways to help
- Abortion is a parent issue
- Heed the advice of others
- Move forward with hope
Called and tested
Two years after meeting my birth mom and hearing her journey, God would call and put my promise to the test. I had found myself in a relationship that resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. I gave that blank stare of denial like most guys do when she declares, “I’m pregnant.”
For me, it was a blank stare of denial, but for her, it was a blank stare of rejection. She desperately wanted me to rise up and take the lead, maybe even responding with “We can do this.” I fell way short.
After dropping her off at her home, I drove to my place. I crawled up on the bed and began wrestling with God. Consciously, I said, “I know I am in this relationship for the wrong reasons because I am not even thinking about getting married.”
I drove back to my girlfriend’s place so that we could have the “talk.” She answered the door and said, “I’ve made up my mind. We’re going to get an abortion.” I knew it was wrong, but I knew the relationship wasn’t right either. The wrong decision seemed like an escape that might work.
I took her to the abortion clinic and paid to have our baby terminated through an abortion. It was a silent car ride after. Later, I crawled back up on that same bed, crying and weeping because I knew what I had just done was wrong. I promised God, again, that I would do anything, anytime, anywhere for the cause of life.
Tested again
Ten years later, I was finishing up my Ph.D. and working for a Christian psychiatrist. A woman called me and shared that she was given my name as consideration for running a Christian helping to assist pregnancy resource centers.
I knew exactly what that meant, and inside I said, “You must be crazy.” But God was speaking, and I heard Him say, “You promised.” My prayer to the Father was that I could do this and then get back to my life and do what I wanted.
God has allowed me to serve the pro-life movement for around 25 years now. It’s not about me; it’s about Him. There is hope and healing available for those who have been hurt by abortion. I have been blessed by His Rapha healing hands emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. You can be as well.
Through my own personal counseling journey and the various ministry endeavors I have served, I know the power that abortion places over fathers. I have met many fathers who confess their participation in an abortion and the pain and brokenness it brought into their lives.
A Father's Voice
Fathers play a key role in parenting a child, but many aren’t empowered to do so after an unexpected pregnancy.
Pro-life and church communities have been moving to reach expectant mothers, to support them in loving ways through various programs. How we view mothers with unplanned pregnancies is changing to be more accepting and supportive as their options are considered. It’s getting better each year as we listen to their needs, both in parenting and adoption. Change can be slow, but we are moving in the right direction!
However, we also need to keep in mind the other factor in the equation— the expectant fathers who are also impacted and making decisions for their life and their child’s. There needs to be a balance, not just with caring for expectant mom and baby, but with encouraging healthy family building, co-parenting, or adoption relationships. Before adoption can be discussed as an option, life has to be discussed, and in many cases, we have to give the fathers a voice too.
Yes, men are wired differently, and their support will look different. Yes, there are absolutely cases that are tricky to navigate or perhaps unhealthy to have him involved in at all. There will always be exceptions that need to be considered, but as a vast whole of our society we have to look at how we are treating expectant dads and birth fathers.
Don't be silent
There are many fathers who do want to be involved, but they may not know where to turn for help, or where to find a role model to guide them. Social media posts, billboards and ads market heavily to expectant moms. Mothers are positioned as the voice and the one with the choice. Sure, ultimately it is the momma carrying the baby into this world, but have we stopped to consider the father’s choice?
Dads need to be encouraged to have a voice too.
They need to be told their role has value in their child’s life, whether they choose to parent or place in an adoption plan. They need to be reminded that they are also an important piece of their child’s identity. Even in adoption, their child will have questions and may desire a relationship one day. They need to know that their voice can influence the mother’s decisions, as well.
Personally, as a birth mom, the lack of my child’s father wanting to be involved weighed heavily in my decision to place my child for adoption. I wanted her to have a father who would love her and be a support to her every single day, even if he never became my husband.
Sometimes, the lack of decision is a decision, leaving it completely in the mother’s hands.
The impact
How many more women would choose life if we empowered men to have a voice and supported them in this journey, too?
Even in the adoption world, there are few resources for birth fathers to learn about adoption and to cope with adoption after placement. There are few positive voices for fathers to listen and learn from, unlike the many that are offered to birth mothers and adoptive mothers. And rarely do we hear from male adoptees or adoptive fathers.
Maybe this is due to them being more private and not wanting to share their feelings as much. Even so, I have to wonder, is that what God would want— for fathers to remain silent? Sometimes, God does His biggest work when we step out of our comfort zone!
Men take action
This will look different than how expectant moms are included. Their roles are different, their needs are different, their schedules may be different. They are wired differently. Amy from Beyond Pregnancy Center in Florida shared her insight with me:
“Men are wired to be providers and protectors. In fact, we believe one of the reasons there are so many absent dads, besides the fact that absenteeism may have been modeled to them by their own fathers, is that they are fearful. They fear they cannot live up to that call that is at their core to provide and protect… so they run. These men need to be taught how to navigate the news of an unexpected pregnancy and help them in their role as a new dad.”
Having a “daddy bucks” educational program, where fathers can earn things to provide for their family, whether through in-person groups or online courses, like through Bright Course or InJoy, is one way to empower them in this decision process. Just as an expectant mother needs to explore all her options when planning her future, so does dad!
Encourage men who have experienced unplanned pregnancies and adoption placements to speak out.
Church leaders and the pro-life community can encourage men to speak up and speak out, not just about the fatherhood role in a traditional family, but in the unplanned pregnancies and the adoption world. We need to hear how adoption has impacted their lives too, as well as how we can better support them. Often, men are taught to stuff their feelings down and ignore them. We can’t promote health and change if we continue endorsing that way of thinking!
Mentor the expectant dads.
Many times, expectant dads do not have their own fathers present, nor do they have an example of how to be a healthy male role model. We need the church and pro-life communities to step in and mentor them. Becca from Bringer of Joy worked for many years in a pregnancy center and observed this need.
“Sometimes the biggest impact we can make is doing life with a person, not just teaching them in a class. Invite them in! Hang out with them, watch a game together, invite them to dinner. Be an example for them.”
Whether they choose to parent or place, having support in their lives is important for their future.
As Father’s Day approaches, let’s pause to acknowledge the glaring silence brought about by the lack of important voices— the voices of expectant and birth fathers. Let’s think through how we can love better, include better, and help better.
A parent issue
Abortion is not a woman’s issue. It’s a parent issue. It affects both men and women, often bringing emotional and psychological devastation to both parties. There are many times that I think back on what might have been.
I know that if I had stood up, even just a little, I would have a 34-year-old child to celebrate life with. I would have avoided some of the shame, hurt and loss that followed after the abortion.
My father’s prayer to other potential and pending dads is full of many hopes and desires. I so want them to avoid that pain and loss and encourage them to rise up. My prayer is also for fathers who have lost a child through an abortion to experience the forgiveness and healing available to them.
A father's prayer
If you are a man discovering that you are now part of an unplanned pregnancy, let me invite you into a father’s prayer with me now.
Dear Father in heaven,
I know you created me, and you are the author of all life. I know you even knew me before you formed me in my mother’s womb (Jer 1: 5). You already know my child as it grows in the womb. I pray that you will give me the courage to rise up and be the father you intended me to be. Help me have the courage of Daniel or David; help me rest in you.
With this pregnancy, I am a father. Father in heaven, please help me now be a father that reflects you. I pray, God, that I give her the confidence that we can do this. Whether we choose to parent or gift this baby to another family, we can do better than abortion. Would you please help me stand for life so that both she and I can avoid the loss, pain, and shame that most often accompanies an abortion?
Let me rise up and stand for life. In Jesus’ mighty name, Amen.
An Interview with a post-abortive father
Greg Smalley, Vice President of Marriage ant Focus on the Family, opens up about what it’s like to be a post-abortive father.
Raised in a Christian home, under the leadership of a prominent Christian minister, Greg Smalley understood that his life choices would affect more lives than his own. In his early twenties, under the misconception that it would salvage his future, his girlfriend’s future, and the future of his father’s ministry, Smalley became a post-abortive father.
“This is thirty years ago, for me,” says Smalley, “and it still hurts.”
Smalley describes the day of the abortion with as much triggering detail as is provided by many post-abortive women.
“I can remember sitting in the waiting room. There’s a fish aquarium,” he raises his left hand as though the tank is still beside him, “and then there was music being piped in. I can’t tell you the name of the songs,” Smalley grows silent as he remembers, “but if they come on, and I hear them on the radio… I will have a sick reaction. My stomach literally churns.”
Being a post-abortive father
For Smalley, the ripple effects of losing his son resonated throughout the rest of his life. After having made a decision he felt was wrong and even cowardly, the lies he believed about himself dictated the way he responded to his God-given role in marriage and parenting. For a while, Smalley even abandoned his call to the ministry, thinking there was no way God would forgive him after what he had done.
Today, after much inner-healing, Greg Smalley has become a pillar of wisdom at Focus on the Family. He shares his life experiences to help build strong husbands, fathers, and families as a whole.
When asked about how he was able to forgive himself and find inner healing, he lists off God-orchestrated events that brought about healing and freedom from his past. When asked what he would say to young men who are currently faced with similar situations, he meets the question with the boldness of a steadfast father.
Every Fearful Father: A Gideon Story
Smalley refers to Gideon, the would-be warrior, who was hiding food at the time of the Lord’s calling (Judges 6). While Gideon was living in fear, the Lord spoke the truth over him:
“The angel of the Lord came and sat down under the oak in Ophrah that belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, where his son Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress to keep it from the Midianites. When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, ‘The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.’”
At first, Gideon didn’t believe the angel. Gideon was all too familiar with the disheartening past of his people.
“‘Pardon me, my lord,’ Gideon replied, ‘but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, ‘Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?’ But now the Lord has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian.’”
Gideon knew his past, but the Lord knew his future.
“The Lord turned to him and said, ‘Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?”
“That’s what I would so love to do,” says Smalley, “to be able to be with that young man and call out that mighty warrior within him.
Resources for Healing After Aborion:
A father's prayer for previous abortion
If you are a man that feels the pain and loss from participation in a previous abortion, let me invite you into a father’s prayer with me now.
Dear Father in heaven,
I come to you and confess that I did not rise up to defend life and protect the baby I brought into this world. I did not fulfill my role and responsibility as a father that you bestowed upon me.
Your word, 1 John 1:9, tells me that if I confess my sins, you forgive, and that healing follows forgiveness.
Father, I confess my sin in my participation in abortion and ask for your forgiveness. Thank you for the gift of Jesus, whose sacrifice and blood on the cross pays my debt.
Father, extend your grace and mercy upon me and help me rise up and stand for the cause of life anytime and anywhere. Father, take my shame from me and use me to help others avoid this pain and loss. I am yours. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Healing
Following my participation in an abortion, I was riddled with shame and hurt. I cried out to God to forgive me and turned to His word for comfort. In my pain, I promised that I would do anything, anytime, anywhere for the cause of life. God forgave me, He healed me, and He has used what was meant for evil for His good.
If you are struggling because of an abortion in your past, please look to Him. He has open arms and is ready to forgive and heal. He has a plan to use what was meant for evil for His good. That blessing is yours to receive. You just have to turn to Him, the Father of all grace and mercy. That’s our Heavenly Father’s Prayer.
In Summary
Men are constantly overlooked when it comes to the topic of abortion. They are told, “they don’t have a say,” “not their body,” “no uterus, no opinion.” This is not true. Men are deeply affected by and involved in any pregnancy, expected or unexpected. And men have an incredible opportunity to speak and support the woman during times like this. The Lord may test a man with this news, but it’s because He knows you can handle it.
You can do it.
The impact that the man’s voice can have in the decision of an unexpected pregnancy can have life-saving results. The fear of the unknown can be daunting, but our Father in Heaven can give you the courage to rise to the occasion.
If you are a post-abortive father, look toward your Heavenly Father for forgiveness, and He will forgive you. Mentor other men who may be considering abortion. Share your experiences with others to show the impact that a decision like this can have on a man. Our Father in Heaven has open arms and is ready to forgive and heal. He has a plan to use what was meant for evil for His good. That blessing is yours to receive. You just have to turn to Him, the Father of all grace and mercy. That’s our Heavenly Father’s Prayer.
