February 6, 2026
Guide your child through a crush with empathy, practical tips, and biblical wisdom for healthy emotional growth.
Estimated reading time: 1 minute
Every year, Valentine’s Day surrounds us with romance, hearts, chocolate, and flowers. As your kids hand out valentines to their friends, they may be trying to make sense of the overwhelming feelings that accompany having a “crush” on someone. But, as we all know, cupid’s arrows don’t just strike hearts on February 14th—a crush can begin any day of the year.
I can still remember a few “crushes” I had as a young boy. The first one hit my brain hard when I was in kindergarten — I wanted to be around this one little girl and loved getting to hold her hand. Another was on a cute girl in second grade. I was eager to be around her and felt strong, lovey feelings when I heard her name. She sometimes consumed my seven-year-old thoughts. Then, at eight years old as we crowded to stand at the front of the line behind our teacher, I remember agreeing with another boy that we both wanted to marry her someday. I was enamored by her pretty looks and sweet personality.
Even though crushes are a normal part of a child’s development, it’s important to understand the effects one causes and what to do when your child is trying to manage the flood of neurochemicals, emotions, physical sensations, and self-talk.
When a child has a “crush,” they are being overwhelmed —crushed—by intense and hyper focused feelings about a person they find cute or great to be with. It’s a powerful neurochemical “feel-good” flooding of the brain—sometimes these are even addictive. Dopamine (pleasure), oxytocin (cuddles), and adrenaline (excitement) combine to create an intense focus toward the person they are drawn to. It can create all kinds of nervous feelings and reduce their critical thinking skills.
Crushes can be two-sided or one-sided, involving celebrities, peers, upper classmen, a coach. The signs of a crush often mimic obsessive-compulsive symptoms. They can be exciting, distracting, fun, and devastating. Ultimately, your kids need your listening ear and guidance as they learn how to respond to the strong emotional rush a “crush” causes.
I’ll never forget when my son began to feel his first crush. I could see that he was nervous and looked for possibilities for the girl to notice him. There was a clear shift in his behaviors that gave me a clue that a lot was going on behind his behaviors. As a therapist, I’ve also seen when crushes, especially in high schoolers, have created issues for young men and women.
Warning signs of an unhealthy crush may include declining or bad grades, secretiveness, defensiveness, sexualized behaviors, extreme sudden changes in mood, eating issues, compulsive behaviors, and loss of interest in anything else in life. Parents should pay close attention to when crushes become unhealthy, especially when behavior becomes obsessive.
Some kids can become “boy crazy” or “girl crazy”—becoming overly aggressive in their pursuit of attention from the one who has captured their attention. If you notice any of these negatives, here are a few things that can help:
Crushes aren’t something you need to be overly concerned about since they are part of the developing brain and body. However, there’s a temptation among some parents to see this kind of infatuation as cute and may encourage it. Instead, take this opportunity help your child learn about themselves.
For example, you can ask your child:
I encourage you to write their responses down. It helps you learn about your child, and it can be a great talking point as you show them how their interests and loves can change over time.
You are their guide as they navigate feeling these intense emotions—a task that requires biblical wisdom for parents. As you step into this conversation with your children, you can help them learn how to be contributors as they date — rather than consumers. Contributors learn to have patience and to look for what is best for the other person. Consumers look for immediate gratification and look for what is best for only themselves. They see relationships as transactions.
Growing up in a Latino culture early in my life included a push toward romances and crushes. In fact, there was a fundraiser at our elementary school where you could find someone to “marry” and then pay money to be married to them. The idea was to accumulate as many rings as you could.
In the meantime, someone could also pay to have you “put in jail.” The rules included that you could not marry anyone while you were in jail. Someone could pay money to get you out of jail as well. I’ll never forget getting in line at different times with three sisters that I had a crush on (I found each to be very cute). I married each one over and over again. By the time it was over, my fingers were covered with rings.
From an early age, I learned more of a consumer approach to dating which ended up impacting how I approached dating when I became a high schooler. Encouraging crushes — labelling them “cute” and dismissing them — doesn’t create an understanding of how to care for others and themselves. It leaves your child adrift with their feelings and emotions.
Without direction, some kids wander from person to person seeking the next “crush” high. Sharing godly wisdom in this area is essential to your child’s growth.
Crushes can happen at all ages of development. They can be fun and entertaining for anyone, from two or three years old and up. A few years ago, my son was amid dating the girl who is now his wife, (NAME). Her niece was three-years-old and had a huge crush on him. This little girl told (NAME) that she could marry someone else because Alex would be marrying her. The preschooler would look for him at church, want to sit with him, and always seemed to want pictures taken with him.
Preschool and younger crushes are related to a variety of subconscious factors. The child may feel a sense of safety, enjoyment, or attention from someone older of the opposite sex and they naturally want more attention and affection from that person. Crushes on other kids of the same age involve impulses toward something they like about a child of the opposite sex. It could be their looks, smile, or friendliness. (Not all kids have crushes hit them during this developmental phase.)
School age crushes can come and go very quickly. These involve intense moments of excitement seeing or being with a certain person of the opposite sex. It can be mainly about seeing a person of the opposite sex as cute, fun, or safe. The crush may fulfill a sense of belonging or help a child feel a sense of worth. Commonly, a child with a crush in this age group is trying to mimic what culture shows adults are doing. Depending on what a kid is exposed to in entertainment and their environment, they may begin to mirror some of these things in their pursuit of their crush.
Be intentional and consistent with boundaries and limits in technology and entertainment. There is absolutely no hurry for them to have a smartphone and social media access. These create more parenting demands because they require your attention, monitoring, and guidance. Learn about the friends your child is choosing and why. Help guide them through the various dynamics and emotions they experience in their friendships during this stage. They are developing emotional intelligence skills including self-control, self-understanding, humility, and a genuine care for others.
Preteen crushes can become more sexually focused in thoughts and emotions — not necessarily actions. There are much more sexually related perceptions and thoughts tied to the crush than in previous stages, especially toward the older end of the preteen years. A child may begin to fantasize about kissing the other person. This depends on overall exposure, discussion, and direction during this time. Launch Into The Teen Years is a wonderful resource to help you guide your kids from a healthy identity to healthy friendships to healthy sexuality.
Be intentional about discussing topics related to attraction, the body, sexuality, friendships, influences, decision-making, and the importance of character formation. Most crushes at this stage are about wanting to be noticed, affirmed, liked, and accepted. Validate these needs in your child, laugh with them, and lightheartedly talk about their crush. This can be a fun topic of conversation, but I encourage you to consider discussing a Dating Contract and to set the vision of becoming a contributor in their future dating moments. Different temperaments handle crushes and dating differently. Some more responsibly than others. However, brain development would indicate that the older the child is as they begin to date, the better it is if they are going to enter it with intentionality and purpose.
Preteens can become more aware and introspective as they have these feelings. I still remember talking with my son about attraction when he was eight years-old. He said he had felt “the tinglies.” What a great description.
At the later part of this stage, crushes can become increasingly obsessive and intense. The “crush” feelings can suppress the stressful emotions that come with boredom, insecurity, mundaneness, depression, anxiety, and others. Be sure to help them notice if your child is becoming addicted to the crush feelings as a coping mechanism to avoid certain overwhelming and difficult-to-manage-or-understand feelings.
Teenage crushes can become sexually charged quickly. Hormones and body changes are at full throttle and capacity, and there are pressures all around to be in a relationship with someone. At this stage, there can be an even higher intensity in obsessive and compulsive responses to crushes. There can also be all kinds of different influences impacting their perceptions on “crushing”, dating, love, sex, and marriage. Understanding how to guide teens through attraction can strengthen your relationship and help them navigate intense emotions.
Their openness depends on their relationship with you. You may have one child that is very open about this topic while another is absolutely closed about it. This stage requires a lot of listening and curiosity on your part as you get to know more about your teen. Ask reflective questions like, “Tell me more about…” or “What caught your attention?” Your questions are meant to spark self-understanding for your teen out loud. They will most likely not be asking themselves these questions as their emotions and hormones flow.
Your questions can become building blocks and substitute to help their developing pre-frontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that makes sense of what is happening in their emotions and helps guide and regulate these emotions.
Remember that just because the person is their crush does not mean they’ll be their spouse. There is something to learn from your teen as to why that particular person has become their crush. Mine what they are thinking. Be intentional to learn how your teen is wired as you listen for that information and what they find attractive and unattractive. Be aware that your teen is getting information on their emerging and very active sexual feelings through various sources such as friends, peers, social media, movies, television, music, healthcare providers, teachers, coaches, pastors, aunts, uncles, cousins, and others. There is a lot of curiosity at this stage, especially once a crush has set in.
Whether it’s your child’s first crush or one of many, you have an important role here, Mom and Dad. Pay attention! This is an opportunity to step in and provide some guidance for your child’s developing feelings and future relationships. That means it’s important to…
Doing this helps your child learn to shift from self-protection to caring about the other person, and how to manage any socially anxious feelings. Encourage them to think about why they might feel nervous, and how they can calm themselves down mentally and emotionally.
The Bible has a lot to say about how we treat one another. Colossians 3:12-14 describes a good standard for love and relationships at any age: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”
Our hearts are a wellspring—a source—for all areas of our life. Proverbs 4:23 encourages, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flows the springs of life.” Helping your kids apply this verse from an early age can help them learn ways to wisely filter through various cultural, peer, and media messages. A person who keeps their heart well finds it easier to hear and follow God’s direction and experience the transforming power of God’s goodness in their life. That person can be life-giving to those around them—and isn’t that what we want for our children?
When you notice that your child has a crush on someone, it is a perfect opportunity to talk about some important differences between behaving in a loving way and being “in love” with someone, and help them understand the distinctions between attraction, liking, and love. Read I Corinthians 13 and Romans 12:1-2 and discuss their meaning verse by verse. Talking about these things will help your child develop some elements of emotional intelligence, such as communication and empathy, and train social skills like respect. It can open the door for important conversations about the difference between boys and girls, too.
God has wired us to be connected to one another. In fact, he designed our brain to release chemicals that signal a reward and lead toward deeper bonding in healthy, connected relationships. From the beginning of development, our brain tries to establish pathways related to trust, empathy, and communication as part of the human experience and survival.
Read Psalm 139 and discuss verses 23 and 24 in the context of relationships. As a family, take some time to have God search your heart. As you do so, talk about what Jesus had to say about relationships, and what Paul and James wrote in the books of Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, Galatians, I and II Corinthians, and James regarding relationships.
Christians are encouraged to be humble, pursue unity, be sacrificial in love, forgive others, value marriage and family, and love others through patience, kindness, selflessness, compassion, thankfulness, and self-control. These conversations are foundational for teaching emotional intelligence to children and helping them understand their feelings.
Some children can become overly focused on crushes for various reasons. It could be that they feel insecure, bored, or lonely and that crushes represent a way to possibly solve these feelings. It could be that a child loves the intense feelings of having a crush and the excitement or “high” from that crush possibly liking them back or the fantasizing of being with that person. Regardless, there are various reasons a child becomes either “boy crazy” or “girl crazy”. If crushes become their only focus, crushing has become unhealthy.
In general, it is not abnormal for some children to have multiple crushes before dating. They are learning to understand and manage the neurochemicals involved in attraction. However, if a child becomes obsessed with having a crush and bounce from crush to crush, then there is something off balance in their brain. In other words, if that’s all they are focused on, there may be more at stake for them regarding the crush(es).
Over the years working with lots of school age children, preteens, and teens, I’ve learned that kids with an obsessive pattern of crushes tend to be struggling with loneliness, a broken home, depression, and/or self-control.
Most of them also had one or both parents who tended to be very permissive in their parenting style. In several of these cases, when the child started dating there was a higher probability of a more physical approach to their relationships. They were more open to a quick progression toward kissing and other physically intimate actions, including sex. These children and young adults also let go of other interests, hobbies, friendships, and responsibilities and solely focused on their fascination and pursuit of their crush(es).
Some of the children and young adults ended up struggling with depression because of certain patterns of thinking that had set in. A few examples of thoughts that could lead a multiple crusher into depression and/or despair are, “What’s wrong with me, why do my crushes not notice me?” “They don’t even know I exist, I’m so ugly.” “If I let him or her do whatever they want, maybe they’ll like me back.” A child can begin to develop overly anxious and/or obsessive thoughts about their crush, which may increase their self-doubts, insecurities, and self-loathing.
You will need to be present and intentional in your conversations with your child as they learn to manage these big feelings coming from their brain and body. Bottom line is that crushes can give information and are not inherently bad; however, the neurochemicals involved in the process can create an unhealthy and obsessive focus that can lead to issues.
Although it can seem like a cute thing when a young child has a crush, take that time to learn about your child, affirm them, explore ways to have a balanced approach (i.e., explore hobbies, other interests and friendships, and establish other enjoyable activities as a family) to having a crush, and have fun talking about the wild ride of attraction God has created as part of his incredible design.
Again, you can start going through the resource, Launch into the Teen Years at an early age with your child to talk about their identity in Christ, friendships, influences, boy and girl differences, what’s happening in their body, and God’s incredible design for their sexuality. This resource leads to great conversations about the topic of attraction and sexuality.
Have you ever experienced “unrequited love”? When their feelings are not reciprocated, your child may go from crushing to crushed. Some parents may instinctively try to soothe their child’s disappointment by pointing out flaws in the person who isn’t interested in their child. Siblings and friends may tease them or make them feel ashamed.
You can inspire good in tough times like these by reassuring your child that they’re not alone — you’re alongside. Raise resilient kids by sharing stories of your personal experience with crushes and heartache and show them what it means to root their self-worth in who God says they are. Help them find a Bible verse you can memorize together — one that helps shift their thoughts away from a negative mindset when they are discouraged (i.e., Proverbs 4:23, Isaiah 26:3-4, and many Psalms).
Resilience is an important life skill that teaches us how to “bounce” when hard things happen — we may be down for a minute but a resilient mindset helps us process hard things and put them behind us so we can move toward the good things God has planned.
Helping your child handle a crush is just the beginning of ongoing and important conversations about passion, intimacy, and commitment with your child as they grow and learn how to build toward healthy relationships and a healthy marriage. For age specific practical resources for your parenting journey, visit www.mykidsage.com.
Yes. A child’s first crush is a normal part of emotional and brain development. Crushes can happen at any age and involve intense feelings caused by brain chemicals that help children learn about attraction, connection, and relationships.
Parents should be concerned when a crush becomes obsessive or interferes with school, friendships, sleep, or behavior. Warning signs include secrecy, sudden mood changes, declining grades, sexualized behavior, or loss of interest in other activities.
Parents can help by listening without judgment, asking reflective questions, and validating feelings while encouraging balance. Guiding children toward friendships, hobbies, family activities, and emotional regulation prevents obsession and builds healthy relational skills.
The Bible teaches that love includes patience, humility, kindness, and self‑control. Scripture helps children distinguish attraction from love and reminds them that feelings are not in charge; their worth and identity come from God, not a crush.
Vice President, Parenting and Youth
Dr. Huerta oversees Focus’ initiatives that equip mothers and fathers with biblical and research based principles and guidance for raising healthy, resilient children rooted in a thriving faith in Christ.
Dr. Huerta is a bilingual psychologist, licensed clinical social worker, author of 7 Traits of Effective Parenting, and co-author of Focus on the Family’s Age and Stage resource, and various other resources. He is also the co-host and expert on the Focus on Parenting and the Practice Makes Parent podcasts.
For many years, he has provided families with practical, biblically-based, and research-based parenting advice on key parenting topics. He has been interviewed by various media outlets including Fox News, Fatherly, Christianity Today, WORLD Magazine, The Christian Post and CBN, and regularly speaks on Christian radio stations and podcasts across the United States. He’s also written for various publications and is a regular speaker at retreats, conventions, family camps, online events worldwide, and on various social media channels.
Dr. Huerta has maintained a private practice serving families in Colorado Springs since 2003 and has also served families as an employee of Focus on the Family since 2004.
He and his wife, Heather, love the outdoors, have been married since 1997, and love spending time with their two adult children.
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