Urgent Need: As the back-to-school season begins, families are facing mounting pressure—tough choices, cultural confusion, and strained relationships.
Will you make a gift before August 31 to help provide Christ-centered support in this critical season?
We have a great relationship, but ever since his father remarried, his stepmom has started putting these thoughts in his head about me.
A mother approached me at a conference for couples in blended families. “What do I do?” she begged. “My 4-year-old son came home from his dad’s house the other day and started saying, ‘Mommy, you have a hard heart. You are a bad mommy.’ We have a great relationship, but ever since his father remarried, his stepmom has started putting these thoughts in his head about me. I am so scared that he is turning away from me.”
Each year, tens of thousands of new court cases are initiated as a result of one biological parent or stepparent alienating children from the other parent. The distorted reasons vary, but the results are similar. Alienated children rapidly devalue a once-close relationship with a parent.
Parents who consistently break promises and disappear from a child’s life deserve a child’s anger and hurt, but truly alienated parents usually haven’t earned this response.
I often stress the importance of not bad-mouthing your ex-spouse, especially in front of the children, as it naturally puts them in the middle and adds to their distress. If you’re an alienated parent, that general principle no longer applies. The extreme nature of alienation necessitates that you take a stronger, more assertive posture.
I once coached a dad to stop passively allowing his ex-wife to control the children’s thoughts about him by directly saying to them, “I’m sorry, but your mother is wrong about me. I do not hate you. I love you very much. I have sent you many letters only to discover that your mother has hidden them from you. I tried to go to your basketball game last week, but she told me the wrong school. I’m not sure why your mother says this to you, but please know that what she is saying is not true.”
If you are an alienated parent, you may be tempted to give up hope, to withdraw your affections in order to avoid the emotional agony, but please do not quit trying. There is no telling what God may do — or when — to heal your relationship with your child.
Ron Deal is one of the most widely read and viewed experts on blended families in the nation. He directs the blended family ministry at FamilyLife and is the author of more than a dozen books and resources including the best-selling The Smart Stepfamily and Building Love Together in Blended Families: The 5 Love Languages® and Becoming Stepfamily Smart with Dr. Gary Chapman. Ron is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a popular conference speaker, and the host of the podcast FamilyLife Blended . His work has been referenced by numerous major media outlets including The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and USA Today. Ron and his wife, Nan, have three sons and live in Little Rock, Arkansas. Learn more about Ron at his website, rondeal.org.
Read More About:
I can’t remember a day that there wasn’t some kind of “learning lesson” going on in our home. But most of those lessons didn’t involve sitting down and doing homework. Instead, my mom employed active ways to help us learn how to learn.
Single parenting carries an enormous burden and collection of struggles. But there is also a unique opportunity to shape your children in positive ways. Armed with a strong faith, you can raise resilient, successful kids.
The growth of humility in your child’s life will lead to positive development in many other areas of their character and relationships.
