Help your kids as they change homes and re-establish routines during the school year.
Estimated reading time: 15 minutes
Tips to know for successful stepparenting often come from those who have navigated the journey and learned valuable lessons in the process. Blending families and relationships can get complicated, as these stepparents know. And with prayer, wisdom, and teamwork, stepparent families can thrive.
I climbed quietly down the stairs, hoping in vain that I was mistaken. Were my two stepsons really doing what I thought they were?
“Boys?
You know we don’t watch that show in this house, and we agreed that your back-to-school bedtimes would be 9:00 p.m.”
They stared me down. I raised my eyebrows innocently and made an attempt at empathy.
“I know it’s a change from the summer routine at your mom’s.”
How can they go so long without blinking? But I held my ground. Finally, my younger stepson hit the power button and sulked off toward his bed, big brother trailing behind.
The school year is all about routines and schedules.
It’s about having a reason for a reasonable bedtime. And after a summer of fun in the sun, it’s hard. It can be even harder for a blended family, especially one where some or all of the children have spent the summer in other households, living with a different set of routines and rules. While change will always provide challenges, there are things we can do to ease into a new school year:
If possible, plan for a weeklong adjustment period before school starts. This will allow everyone to gradually become accustomed to his or her place in the family before tackling the demands of the school year.
In the classroom, expectations will be set early and posted for all to see. Consider implementing lists at home, as well. Children do well with written schedules, and most love to check tasks off a list.
Sometimes, the adults in the other household strike successful stepparenting gold.
A simple question like, “What worked best for you in the other home?” will not only keep you from reinventing the wheel, but it will also provide the continuity that allows your children to thrive. There are times when it’s okay to do something “the way we do it at my mom’s house.” If it’s reasonable, and not contrary to the standards of your household, try bending a little.
—Karen Klasi
“I’m not going, and you can’t make me,” my 12-year-old stepson shouted when it was time to visit his
biological mom. He marched to his room and slammed the door. He refused to see her because he blamed her for his parents’ divorce.
I was sure he’d be happier if he and his mom reconciled, so I had tried to talk with him about
forgiveness. But he felt justified in his anger toward her, and he simply didn’t want to let it
go.
I, too, had trouble letting go. I wanted to fix the problems I saw in his life. But I had to accept
that they weren’t my problems to fix. As a natural fixer, it took some time for me to realize this.
Here are some truths I learned during that process:
My husband and I decided early in our marriage that we would treat all the children the same, regardless of family of origin. But when my stepson stopped visiting his biological mom, she didn’t treat him the same as she treated his sister, who still visited her.
One Christmas, he didn’t receive any gifts from his mom, while his sister received many presents. He
was hurt and angry, and I empathized with those emotions. I wanted my husband to talk with his ex
about it, but he simply said, “Her house; her rules.” I realized that I would not want another
family to question our parenting decisions, so I resolved not to interfere with her
decisions.
My stepson often complained to my husband and me that he felt unloved by his biological mother. He retaliated by ignoring her phone calls and refusing to visit her. Then she would feel hurt and become angry with him, continuing the cycle of negativity.
I wanted to do something to alleviate his pain, but fixing the problem wasn’t my responsibility. All
I could do was offer emotional support as he shared his feelings. Anything more would be
overstepping my role as a stepmom.
When I see my kids and stepkids hurting, I want to zoom in like Wonder Woman and fix it. But I’m not Wonder Woman, and I’m certainly not God. Fixing broken things is His role and prerogative, not mine.
One day when my stepson was upset, I reminded him that everyone in this world is broken in some way. Our family is broken because of the pain of divorce. I’m broken; he’s broken; his biological mom is broken. Broken people have broken relationships, but God can help us mend them. He’s really good at fixing broken things, but we have to ask for His help.
Some issues, like sibling rivalry, crop up in most families when kids reach a certain age. Just when parents think the problem will never end, the kids grow into a different stage. This happened with my stepson. When he finished high school, he suddenly decided to let go of the past and forgive his mom. Today, they enjoy a healthy, positive relationship.
—Diane Stark
When I remarried after my first husband’s death, I became the stepmom of a 14-year-old boy. After
spending so much time together in the car the first year, we had a pretty good relationship. Seth
told me about his crushes, and I asked him about my outfits. (I didn’t want to look unhip.)
I thought I was a pretty great stepmom, but when Mother’s Day came, I didn’t expect much, maybe a
homemade card. Nope. For my birthday? Nope. Deep inside, I hoped his high school graduation day
would be like a Hallmark movie, complete with a hug and “Thank you for being here for me.” But that
didn’t happen, either. My husband was willing to demand that my stepson acknowledge me, but what good is a thank-you that isn’t sincere?
Don’t get me wrong. Seth was always friendly and respectful. Still is. I didn’t want to force my way
in while he was grieving the loss of his mother to cancer — and his father to a new family. I just
wanted to hear that he thought I was a good stepmom.
Then the explosion came. Seth was home from college. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks, even though I made several contact attempts. So, when he asked for money, I screamed (yes, screamed), “I texted and you didn’t text back. I sent you gifts and you said nothing. I am not a human ATM machine!”
Bursting into tears, I stomped from the room. That was not a good stepmom day.
I found out later that Seth was ignoring everyone. It wasn’t personal.
Something inside us wants to know our sacrifices are acknowledged. But could our desire to receive
explicit appreciation keep us from seeing the discreet signs of acceptance? Here are four thoughts
to keep you motivated even when you don’t get direct credit:
The first time I overheard Seth say to one of my kids, “Mom said …,” I thought, He called me Mom! And I felt accepted as part of his family. Sometimes he took my advice or gave me a hug. A friend once confided that Seth was proud his stepmom was a writer. Those little actions were evidence that Seth appreciated me, even if he had trouble saying it.
We can’t call our love sacrificial if we expect compensation. God loved us long before we loved Him or even acknowledged His great sacrifice for us. Just as He loves us, we should love our stepchildren even when it’s not returned (John 13:34).
Jesus said, “Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father” (Matthew 6:1).
When we do work without receiving credit, God gives us our reward. He knows our desire to raise stepchildren of godly character and loving dispositions. And that does not go unseen.
I wholeheartedly believe one day I will hear the words I long to hear.
A friend recently told me that her grown stepson — the one she had always clashed with — sent an
unexpected letter. He called her Mom and praised her for all the things she thought he never
noticed. Stepkids are kids, after all. And when they mature, they begin to see things differently.
It just takes time. Love like God loves. And keep the long view in mind.
—Sabrina Beasley McDonald
My husband and I planned a family vacation to Greece in mid-August, which included special time with my stepdaughter, Gracie. We were so excited to be with Gracie as she experienced a new culture and new traditions. However, the previous June, Gracie’s mom moved, and Gracie’s new school had a different start date—early August.
Our adventure to Greece was canceled. I bawled in disappointment, brokenhearted to see this precious little girl emotionally torn between two families and two schedules. Unfortunately, this canceled trip wasn’t an isolated case of broken plans.
The push and pull of family turmoil became the pattern. All of my husband’s and my arrangements for birthday and holiday celebrations with Gracie—even Flag Day—were derailed. These times were legally ours, but my husband didn’t want to pursue his custodial rights for time with his daughter through the court system. He didn’t want to put Gracie through the pain of being fought over by both parents.
Over time, I realized just how wise he was. Instead of demanding time with his daughter on holidays and summer vacations, he remained steadfast in his focus on doing what was best for Gracie. So when our days to be with Gracie were denied Christmas after Christmas, we worked to be thankful that she was getting to experience holiday traditions with her mom.
Where did that leave us? I still deeply longed to have traditions as a family, something that was ours. Slowly, I crossed out the days that could be shared with Gracie during the holidays and summer break because these times were too emotionally charged and chaotic. Yet I still longed to nurture memories that were unique to our blended family.
Through prayer, I learned to let go of my own plans and expectations for how our family’s traditions might look, and I surrendered to the opportunities God gave my family. That’s when I started bringing the children from my extended family and Gracie together for nonholiday and nonschool break experiences. I was fortunate that several children on my side of the family were around the age of my 7-year-old stepdaughter.
That first year, I planned a Nerf Blaster party because the kids were active and loved being outside. It was set up as an activity that could be enjoyed by children and adults alike, at a location where a new playground was being built. The future playground had just received mounds of wood chips and dirt, providing the perfect bunkers and hiding spots for our friendly competition.
Each family member brought his or her favorite Nerf toys. Using them, we played hide-and-seek and tried to tag one another. It was a fun afternoon for kids of all ages. And soon it became my family’s spring tradition, as we found different locations for this fun event. It was successful for years because it wasn’t tied to a certain holiday or date. We had an entire quarter to make this full-day extravaganza happen.
That tradition served our family well and helped me see that family memories don’t just happen on Christmas or birthdays. More importantly, I learned to be flexible and received a renewed perspective about what quality time meant. Since our family’s traditions didn’t have to be centered on a specific day, we also were able to adjust and change as Gracie grew.
Fast forward to my stepdaughter’s teenage years—her first car and first job brought us to a new season. With multiple family activities, teen-work schedules and geographical distance, getting together became even more challenging. So my husband and I created lots of opportunities to enjoy time with the kids, even if someone had to cancel at the last minute.
We’ve had fondue nights, game nights, and pool parties. Because we had learned to pivot away from a commitment to be together only on specific dates, we were freed up to enjoy time with our stepdaughter and other children in our extended families when they had time in their schedules. And doing life this way brought our family wonderful memories and the freedom to enjoy one another.
—Stephanie Judy
Tina tiptoed into 7-year-old Jack’s room, checking his toy-packing progress. He was leaving in two days to spend the summer with his dad—three states away. Jack sat on the edge of his lower bunk, hugging his teddy bear, tears running down his cheeks.
“Jack, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to leave you,” he replied, reaching for his mom. Tina sat down and drew him close.
“I know. But you’ll have fun with Dad and your stepmom. They love you, and they’re excited you’re coming.”
For kids, the thought of leaving one parent to visit the other one for the summer can be gut-wrenching. While not all kids face the same fears, a little preparation can ease the transition.
Validate his feelings. Is he worried about leaving friends here or making friends there? Does he want to go, yet doesn’t want to leave? Remind your child that it’s normal to experience mixed feelings.
Help your child understand how things might be different in the other home. Perhaps he will have a different bedtime, mealtimes, and chores. Other rules may be different, too. He will need to be flexible. Let him know you understand that adjusting can be tough, but you also know he can do it.
Remind him that it may take a few days to adjust. Assure him it’s okay to feel unsettled at first. A little homesickness doesn’t mean he will be unhappy the whole summer. If the feeling persists, however, encourage him to discuss it with his other parent. And if anything, especially inappropriate behavior, causes him to feel uncomfortable, instruct him to tell you immediately.
Prepare your child for potentially difficult issues he may face in the other home. Discuss how your child could respond when a stepsibling accuses him of spoiling the summer or resents having to share a bathroom. Role-play specific scenarios, if necessary.
If the idea of packing off your child for the summer leaves you feeling discouraged, remember you can trust God to care for your child—and your heart. And then let your support system encourage you.
—Carol Boley
When Christine and I got married, she already loved my teen daughter, Sarah. Although Sarah lived with my ex-wife, she and Christine spent plenty of time with each other. We were her other home.
But just a few weeks after Christine and I returned from our honeymoon, we were faced with a challenge. Sarah dropped out of school, and my ex-wife asked if Christine and I could offer a more structured home where Sarah could start fresh. My wife and I agreed to take her in.
Sarah was a gem, putting up with new rules and expectations. She agreed to everything, even though I wasn’t easy on her, and she lost much of the freedom she had been used to. Christine poured herself into helping Sarah thrive as a home-schooled teen. She even took a monthlong work sabbatical to jump-start our daughter’s academic excellence. In the year that Sarah lived with us, we saw her grow.
During this time, we thought Sarah was happy. But it was all a facade. It turned out we had a very troubled teen to deal with. When she had the option of going back to live with her mom four states away, Sarah was able to push an eject button on her relationship with us. And she did, though we weren’t sure why. Nothing had happened to warrant an abrupt exit. Without a goodbye, she was gone, back to her old life with my ex-wife.
For months, various stages of grief enveloped Christine and me. We sought help from the Lord and each other in dealing with disappointment in ourselves and Sarah.
Christine struggled with denial, saying, “Surely she wouldn’t abandon us for her other home. Perhaps she’s just wanting to spend more time with her mother before returning.”
Knowing Sarah’s flighty history and lack of commitment and loyalty to relationships, I helped talk Christine through these patterns that had become so predictable.
Even as I helped her, Christine was an understanding ear for me to vent my frustration to, yet she consistently exhibited unwavering grace and love toward my daughter. It moved me toward forgiveness. Forgiving Sarah for the ungratefulness we felt from her despite all we’d done to help. We’d upended our lives to make her feel welcome, and she left without any explanation.
Discouragement can distort our perspective. Sometimes kids just need time to grow up. Maybe we do, too. Many times, in the midst of my bitterness, Christine suggested we stop and pray. The Holy Spirit convicted me to speak words of affirmation about my daughter, replacing complaints with gratefulness for the time we had with Sarah.
The situation was no longer in our control. All we could do was trust God’s sovereignty, and in time, He showed us the bigger picture. Focusing on what went right and the good that God accomplished during Sarah’s stay nurtured acceptance in us so we could move on.
We chose not to second-guess our decisions, but instead we relaxed, knowing that her abrupt departure hadn’t surprised God. We trusted Him. The experience eventually helped us form better boundaries and expectations for our other children.
A few years later, Sarah reached adulthood and apologized for leaving so abruptly, thanking Christine and me for all we had done to help her. She acknowledged the love and sacrifice and recalled happy moments with us, including some of her favorite memories of being with Christine. Sarah and I agree that although it was difficult, we nevertheless treasure the time we had together.
Today, Sarah is a woman in her mid-30s, and our relationship is wonderfully sweet. It’s a joy to make new memories together and see her interact with her teenage half sisters.
Our faith and reliance on each other kept Christine and me going. The journey felt long, and there was no guarantee that time invested in Sarah would have a return for us. But as we continued to trust God, we saw His hand guiding our family. Through this experience, we learned that God is bigger than all of the messes life throws at us, and knowing this has brought us comfort.
—Tez Brooks
Read More About:
Many people assume that stepparenting is the sole responsibility of the stepparent. On the contrary, it is a two-person task.
Learning how to manage Christmas after divorce can be overwhelming and devastating. Explore this story of overcoming divorce differences.
A last wish, a willing heart, and a little time together have bonded my blended family.
A new documentary film presented by
Truth Rising exposes the cultural crisis we face and the bold faith it takes to confront it. Watch the film, then go deeper with a study on Hope, Truth, Identity, and Calling. You were created for this moment.
Choose to see. Choose to believe. Choose to act.
