How Do We Develop Biblical Masculinity In Our Sons? 

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

As parents, we have the privilege of guiding our sons become the men God created them to be. To help your son become a godly man, be sure to focus on teaching him and modeling the character traits that define biblical manhood—traits such as humility, honesty, integrity, courage, self-control, respect, loyalty, initiative, gentleness, compassion, kindness, faithfulness, empathy, and patience are essential for boys as they learn how to develop a healthy self-confidence and love for others.  

Culture often portrays “manliness” as physical strength, emotional stoicism, and womanizing. So, the stronger, less emotional, and more attractive to women the boy is, the “manlier” he is. This distorted view leaves young boys struggling with a shaky self-confidence and chasing other people’s affirmation, respect, and love. 

I once asked a teenage boy, “What does it mean to be ‘a man’?” His father had been in prison and he lacked a positive male role in his life. He had made some poor decisions that week. His response was, “A man is someone who is strong—as he flexed—and is able to get lots of women.” This mindset reflects cultural confusion about masculinity—one reason parents need to teach healthy masculinity to boys from a biblical perspective. 

On a separate occasion, I was coaching my son and his friends in basketball. The boys were in sixth grade and starting to grow muscles. During one of the practices, the boys were comparing six packs. I walked up to the group of boys and asked, “What are you guys doing?” They quickly said, “We’re comparing our six packs.” I responded with, “Why? You’re supposed to be practicing basketball so that we can win basketball games! What do you guys need chiseled six packs for?” They answered, “The ladies like six packs.” There is nothing wrong with wanting to be attractive, but these boys had become hyper-focused on their six packs and other physical features as the ticket to being attractive enough for women to love them. Boys need ongoing guidance on what it means to be a man and what it means to be masculine. 

Over the years, I have tried my best to teach my son and other young men I’ve worked with to pursue strength spiritually, mentally, emotionally, relationally, and physically but with the foundation of humility. We’ve discussed the need to balance focus with awareness of others and hard work with rest and being responsible with being connected. The goal is to teach boys how to love freely, including being able to cry when it makes sense to cry. Boys don’t become men overnight. It is about the development of their heart, not just the changes in their body. 

How do I raise a masculine son? 

From the start, you can help your son learn and consistently practice three foundational traits that help the other character traits grow and develop healthy masculinity in boys: humility, self-control, and empathy. A humble heart helps your son be teachable and loving. Self-control teaches him how to protect others from himself and manage himself in a way that serves, leads, and connects with people. Empathy enables him to feel, know, connect, and love people around him more deeply.  

There are some practical key foundational things you can teach your son at each age and stage of his development. Here are some stage-specific ideas: 

Infant/Toddler (0-3 years) 

During the infant and toddler years, focus on helping him learn to connect, serve, obey, build, and pursue. Even though these activities take longer when you involve a toddler, make time to: 

• Build together. Stack plastic cups or pillows. Stack blocks and see how high you can go. 

• Clean up as a team. Play music as you put things back where they go. Then, celebrate and dance together when you’re done.  

• Serve others together. Have him help you carry light things. Call him a helper. Look for ways he can help you serve the family and others. 

Preschool/Primary (4-8 years) 

In the preschool and early school years, boys need help learning the same foundational concepts (connecting, serving, obeying, building, and pursuing). But now, they’re ready to learn and explore ways to express their desire to protect, provide, and grow. By now, boys begin to pick certain superheroes, athletes, uncles and aunts, moms and dads they want to mimic. Steadfast relationships with men and women contribute to forming a child’s healthy, masculine identity. Give them opportunities to: 

• Experience affection from you. Boys need lots of hugs and kisses. Make this a part of their day-to-day. It does not make them weak or feminine. Human beings have been wired to respond positively to trusting and loving affection. Keep in mind that there can be sensory and comfort differences, so learn the ways your son receives love. it could be that he feels affection from you when you give him words of affirmation. 

• Follow and respect rules. Too many people just ignore rules and see them as a nuisance. Help them understand the purpose of rules and to be wise advocates and followers of rules. 

• Pretend and dream. The adventure of story is found in books, movies, and the imagination. Take time to read a variety of books, watch movies, and play using the imagination. It is natural for them to desire being the protector. Let him imagine being a superhero and having victory in wars. Affirm his desire to protect and to be physically strong.  

• Build. Play together constructing Legos, forts, blocks, and anything with a hammer, nails, and screws. You can also teach him the incredible superpower of building up others with life-giving words. 

• Compete. He needs to learn healthy competition—how to win and lose well. Don’t just let him win to make him feel good. Have him earn his victories and learn from his defeats. If he gets mad when he loses, help him learn how to handle the emotions and to understand which emotions are really behind the big emotion of anger. Use an emotions wheel to see what piece of anger he experiences—humiliated, embarrassed, frustrated, sad, or disappointed. 

• Serve. Help him be aware of ways he can serve others, from opening the door for others to washing dishes. Chores are opportunities to serve and grow. Attitude and perception make a big difference. Boys can find fulfillment and life satisfaction in big portions when they learn to serve from an early age. We are wired to find a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction when we genuinely serve others.  

• Fail. He needs to learn that with failure comes opportunity for growth and learning. It does not define who he is. Help him learn from an early age that with moments of failure come important humbling moments that allow for growth, motivation, and pursuit to take root.  

• Explore. From an early age, most boys want to explore. Give him plenty of chances to explore and engage with his surroundings but with clearly defined boundaries and limits he needs to respect. Be sure that you manage and balance your own fears on this one. Boys need to learn how to be okay with fear and to have the courage to persistently pursue new things and the mastery of things that are challenging.  

Preteen (9-12 years) 

Preteen boys often wrestle with comparison and insecurity. They also begin to learn ways to hide or to compensate for these emotions. Continue to teach and foster the resilience and biblical masculinity things from the previous two stages and add a few more. Teach him to: 

• Notice others. He can learn to notice kids that need a friend, to notice the good in others, and to celebrate others’ successes. This takes mental training, because his brain is naturally drawn to comparisons that look for the flaws or the extraordinary in others. Comparisons are used by his brain as a measuring stick to gauge his sense of belonging, worth, and competence. The more your son notices this tendency inside himself, the better he will be able to manage the feelings that come with comparisons. Celebrate in big ways when he notices and celebrates others’ successes and when he uses empathy to love someone needing a friend. 

• Encourage people. Celebrate when he encourages others. Model this in your home and teach him about the incredible impact of encouraging words. The more he gives these away, the more he allows love to not only instill courage in others but also to transform him into a servant leader. 

• Take responsibility. Give him increasing responsibilities around the house. Believe in him even when he struggles to manage his responsibilities. Be patient and persistent as your son develops this essential trait into his teen years. He may be unhappy, bored, and frustrated as you guide him on this one, but that is okay since he needs to learn to manage these big feelings. 

• Compete with himself for growth. Celebrate when he works hard at competing so he can continue to grow and improve instead of trying to win to feel better about himself or find his worth. Affirm the fact that he desires to be strong and to have competence in what he does.  

• Guard his mind. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” His brain is an organ responding to the world around him. It will have automatic and built-in processes like other organs. However, the mind, where he makes sense of things and builds perceptions and beliefs, is up to him. The mind is something being influenced and built over time. What is he “allowing” to influence his mind and what is he “allowing” his mind to choose to do? Help him see that his mind is what helps him be in relationship with others. 

Teens (13-18 years) 

Teen boys face so many messages about sex, power, and identity—often conflicting with biblical masculinity. Most of are either related to sex, power, and violence, or how toxic males are. At this stage most boys struggle with a shaky sense of self-confidence and lack of personal insight. Their brains attune to voices outside their home, the messages that attempt to invade their minds—leaving them hardened, confused, and lost. Continue to find creative ways to notice, encourage, model, and celebrate the learnings from the previous stages. In addition, teach him: 

• Conversation skills. Screens rob young people of this skill. Take time to play conversational tennis. Mealtimes, car rides, walks, hikes, and other side-by-side activities are perfect for listening and talking with each other. 

• Healthy autonomy. Let him explore, learn, fail, and try new things on his own. It is normal for boys to want to spend time with their friends.  

• Courage. The challenges each boy faces are unique. Encourage him as he bravely confronts tests and difficult things in his life. Notice his physical strength and praise when he uses it for good. Do the same when he demonstrates emotional, mental, spiritual, and relational grit.   

• Intentional coaching. Being coachable is important. Intentional conversations about finances, relationships, sex, work, worldview, and faith provide essential guidance. Video games and other screens offer a false satisfaction to his deeper longings for belonging, worth, competence, and autonomy.  

• “No.” It is a good word. Accepting it is good for all of us to hear “no,” once in a while. Learning about boundaries and limits is essential to personal growth and the responsibilities of manhood. 

• Unwavering love and affection. Encourage and give your son affection. He carries plenty of insecurities at this age. Remind him about what he does well, and that you believe in him as he takes on hard things. Boys need honest feedback and help processing it—especially praise and constructive criticism. Neither one is about their worth. Even if they pretend to push them away, hugs go a long way for you teen. Some boys with sensory issues may not want this kind of affection. In that scenario, you can use words to provide them with a “verbal hug.”  

• Weakness is not bad. Reframe it as an opportunity to lean on God and others for strength when he feels weak or inadequate.  

• Mentors matter. Encourage your son to find mentors and coaches in his life. Boys benefit greatly from having other men speak into their life, on this topic and others. (Women can offer important input into a young man’s life, as well.) When your son finds one or two of these wise sources who have a positive influence in his life, don’t feel threatened. Instead, be encouraged that other positive voices are speaking into his life as he gets closer to the day when he launches out on his own. 

The teen years are critical for shaping healthy masculinity in boys and countering cultural myths about “toxic masculinity vs biblical masculinity.” 

How can you help your son grow into a man of godly character?

As a parent, you want your sons to grow up to be men of God. Take time to read and talk about the Word together. Here are some good places to start: 

• Genesis 1-3 
• Colossians 3 
• Proverbs 4 
• Proverbs 1 and 16
• Romans 12:9-21 
• Philippians 2 
• Galatians 5 
• Ephesians 2 and 6 
• Psalm 119  

These are passages that will help instill godly character in your son and will help him understand “the why” behind who he is and what he does. 

When Is masculinity “toxic”? 

The phrase “Toxic masculinity” has become a cultural buzzword, often misused often misused in recent years to belittle men and demonize the traits that God created for good. 

Glenn Stanton, Director of Global Family Formation Studies at Focus on the Family, argues that the term is contradictory and should not be used by Christians. “Masculinity is a wholesale positive male virtue,” he says. “Masculinity is never toxic, machismo is … [the term] is vile slander on something that is essential.” 

The truth is that there is nothing truly masculine about “macho” behavior, which focuses only on outward traits such as physical strength and sexual aggression. Instead, teach your son that healthy masculinity in boys begins with the heart— character, humility and Christ-centered identity. Parents can help counter the cultural myths by teaching the difference between toxic masculinity vs biblical masculinity—a vital conversation in today’s world. 

What does the “Manosphere” have to do with “Toxic Masculinity”?

Be on the lookout for the term “manosphere.” It is a grouping of online communities that are anti-women and encourage harmful and, at times, violent beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors toward women. Young men learn damaging definitions of masculinity through such forums, so be sure your son is not getting involved with anything related to the “manosphere.” Masculinity shouldn’t be defined by external traits any more than femininity should be. Instead, true biblical masculinity begins with the heart. 

What is true masculinity?

Seeing the man in your son, recognizing and calling-out his true masculinity, will reveal the courageous, self-sacrificing, humble, loyal, self-controlled, and kind person—one who shows honor and respect to those around him. You will notice he has integrity and does the right thing no matter who is watching, and that he’s compassionate and sympathetic to the needs of others. He controls his strength and uses it to protect those who are weaker or more vulnerable. But what’s the ultimate sign that your son has discovered his true masculinity? He finds his identity in Christ, not personal accomplishments or exterior qualities. 

Unfortunately, the backlash against “toxic masculinity” in popular culture means some people believe that all masculinity must be bad. This is also an unhealthy extreme. God created two sexes as a glorious representation of His own character. Both masculinity and femininity are beautiful and valuable when lived out in accordance with Scripture. 

It’s important that we take our idea of masculinity from Scripture, not from the pictures that the world presents. By building a foundation of good character in your son while he is young, you’ll help him become the man God created him to be. 

How can you grow your parenting and your son?

Focus on the Family’s 7 Traits of Effective Parenting can help you also be transformed as you raise your son to be the man God created him to be. By modeling these traits yourself, you’ll teach your son what it looks like to live as a follower of Christ while he’s still young. You cannot control your son, but you can be most effective in your influence through consistent prayer and biblical guidance and by continually growing in these 7 Traits.

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