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Talking to your preteen about sex can feel overwhelming, but it’s a conversation that needs to happen sooner than you think.
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Have you wondered how you are going to talk to your preteen about sex?
By the time children are 13, they are more than 50% likely to have seen explicit porn. By their teen years, over 70% report watching porn every week. Whether by accident or on purpose, our kids are exposed to explicit material regularly. Until we grapple with that reality, we may not be moved to action. While no parent wants to admit their own child could be included in these statistics, it’s wise to consider the strong likelihood that your child has or will see sexual material soon.
If porn is so prevalent in our world, then parents need to be proactive in how to talk to preteens about sex. Porn exposure or continued use shapes views on women, men, dating, body image, and acceptable treatment toward the opposite sex. Porn has several effects on a person’s life, including their overall perception of sex. As a sex ed teacher with nearly 15 years of experience in Christian classrooms and secular locations, I believe porn is the biggest sex educator in the world. While filters and accountability software are incredible tools for modern parents, healthy sex ed remains at the root of preventing unhealthy behaviors.
Many parents struggle with how to talk to preteens about sex in a way that aligns with their faith and values. Many times, parents don’t know how to begin a healthy and holy sex ed conversation. This is due in part to a lack of modeling when we were growing up. The idea of ‘the talk’ is antiquated because appropriate sex ed occurs over the course of a child’s lifetime with many conversations taking place. In the past, parents relied upon metaphors like ‘the birds and the bees’ and a one-time lecture concerning dating or puberty. To many parents, this seemed more than sufficient for the young minds in their home. However, this style of education left kids (including us) lacking in their formative views on sex. In other words, kids were not discipled in matters of sexuality. Often, we were talked at and not to, as we awkwardly made it through any uncomfortable discussion with parents.
Given how prevalent porn is, parents must be proactive in how to talk to preteens about sex before the world does it for them. This no longer needs to be the case. Biblically based families can use complete sex ed curriculums right at home.
Satan uses fear and or shame to immobilize us as parents, but God did not give us spirits of fear. We have all the Holy Spirit power we need to talk to our vulnerable kids who are growing up in a porn-saturated culture and sexually broken world. God calls us to disciple these kids for such a time as this (Esther 4:14).
Clarifying your child’s question is a key step in how to talk to preteens about sex with honesty and wisdom. Scripture tells us that, instead of beating around the bush or using flowery language, we are meant to, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” (Ephesians 4:15 ESV). Our Lord created sex, and we are called to respect His creation. This reverence includes our conversations about sex.
When we talk to our kids, it may be tempting to use unhelpful metaphors or even lie to skirt their questions. This isn’t necessary. Answer honestly while considering your child’s age. Ask them if they understand, where they heard the words from, or how they thought of the question. Get to the root of their wonderings, and you will learn more about your child.
Rather than avoiding the topic, use natural opportunities to explore how to talk to preteens about sex in age-appropriate ways. Practically, this can mean discussion of the news you hear together (ex: abortion laws, gender-affirming care, a leader’s infidelity, celebrity dating relationships, drag queen shows, etc.) or media you consume. If you’re consuming a show, song, social media, or any other media together, then ask your child what they think about it. Do they know your family’s values and why you have them?
Even when it feels uncomfortable, committing to how to talk to preteens about sex ensures your child learns from you first. If parents don’t address how to talk to preteens about sex, kids may assume it’s a shameful topic instead of a God-designed part of life.
As a parent or guardian, you oversee your family’s formation. You have the connection to disciple children in matters of gender, sex, sexuality, and more. This is not only to be perceived as a challenge but as an incredible opportunity for fellowship and discipleship—one the Lord has called us to. Maintaining integrity, seizing opportunities to talk, and continuing these conversations will impact their lives forever.
Kristen Miele is a sexual health educator as well as the owner and founder of Sex Ed Reclaimed. She provides Christian families with a full video library of biblically based, age-appropriate sexual health education for kids ages 3 to 18. Her curriculum is available on www.sexedreclaimed.com. Kristen lives in Columbus, Ohio with her husband and two daughters.
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As our world continues to stray from God’s design for sexuality, it’s appropriate to wonder how we’ll convey that good design to our families.
Many of us cringe at the thought of ‘the talk.’ Whether we think back on our own experiences, reflect on our parents’ awkward style discuss the ‘birds and the bees,’
