Estimated reading time: 9 minutes
With so many options and obstacles, how do we raise strong and confident daughters?
When I graduated from college in the spring of 1979, I had a clear goal: Start medical school in the fall and begin the training to become a pediatrician. But by that September, I’d been rejected by several medical schools, and I was wondering what a Plan B might look like. Clearly, this dream of being a doctor wasn’t working out.
But one evening, I overheard my father talking with a friend. His words changed my life:
“I’m excited to tell you that our daughter, Meg, will be starting medical school next fall, although she’s still not sure where she’ll be going yet.”
At first, I got a little angry. How can he say that I’m going to medical school? Hasn’t he seen all those rejection letters?
But I soon recognized that my father believed something about me that I wasn’t yet able to believe myself. His confidence gave me hope, and in the fall of 1980, I started medical school, just as Dad had said would happen.
I often think of my father when I speak about how parents can raise strong, confident daughters. Because the first step toward that goal is believing in our daughters, raising them with the knowledge that they are capable and strong, and that whatever paths their lives take, trusting that they can be successful.
When your daughter recognizes that you believe in her, she begins to believe in herself, and has confidence to pursue her dreams. Here are some other ways that parents can raise strong daughters:
Encourage character, not performance or appearance
Praise is, of course, an essential part of parenting, but we have to be careful that we’re sending the right message, both in our words and in the timing of those words. If your compliments constantly highlight performance or appearance, you may be raising a daughter who will become overly focused on these things, rather than on the traits that will determine her true character.
Instead, commend your daughter when you observe moments of strong character. Perseverance. Courage. Honesty. Applaud her for these things. If she demonstrates God’s love and compassion to a hurting neighbor, tell her that this trait makes you proud. If she decides not to quit some activity or job that is too difficult, tell her that you are proud of her resilience.
Talking to Your Tween Daughter About
Bodily Changes Doesn't Have to be Awkward
Give her space to fail
If your goal as a mom or dad is to have a strong, emotionally healthy daughter, it won’t be helpful to protect her from every obstacle she faces. Confidence is nurtured by having our kids face adversity.
No parents want their little girl to get hurt, or to try hard at something and fail miserably. But when we honestly consider our own strengths — the character qualities we’ve forged over the years — we recognize that they’ve developed and strengthened because of a struggle we’ve endured. Overcoming failure teaches us and our kids resilience and perseverance, and it is through failure that God helps us mature and grow our trust in Him.
Don’t prevent your daughter from growing by overprotecting her. Childhood is an excellent time for your daughter to practice the fine art of falling down — the most important lesson of which is developing the tenacity to pick herself back up.
Remember she needs a strong male figure in her life
This statement won’t win me any popularity contests in today’s culture. To raise a strong daughter, it’s crucial that she has a good father figure present in her life.
When a dad gives his daughter a hug, she receives the extremely important message that he sees her and approves of her. A daughter considers her father’s feelings about her as more important than anyone else’s. She wants to view her dad as a leader, to look to him as a protector and provider. And this isn’t just the way it’s supposed to be. This is the way it is. A father’s interactions with his daughter prepare her for how she’s going to relate to other men and to God.
That’s a heavy load, but it’s a wonderful truth. A good father has the potential to have the greatest positive impact on a girl’s life, whatever situations she is dealing with. A father’s presence and loving attention to his daughter help her grow up to be a strong woman with positive self-esteem.
Preparing our daughters for womanhood
How do we prepare our girls for womanhood? Although it may seem like it all starts with explaining how to her first period, it is much more than than. It’s an opportunity. Preparing our girls for womanhood and all that comes with it is such an honor when we look at it as something to celebrate.
With countless outside influences, there is no lack of information, or influencers wanting the ear of our daughters. Author Robin Jones Gunn understands the challenges firsthand.
As a young girl, Robin felt lost navigating puberty with no guidance from her own mother. Now Robin is empowering moms as their daughters enter into new phases of physical, emotional, and social development.
Preparing girls for womanhood: build a bridge before it’s needed
Robin Jones Gunn, author of Author of over 100 books, including the award-winning Christy Miller and Sierra Jenson series of young adult fiction books, sat down with Focus on the Family to discuss her newest book Before Your Tween Daughter Becomes a Woman. Her goal is to change the narrative for mothers and daughters. She explains, “Too many moms are intimidated or just aware that there’s not enough time.”
Her book encourages moms to see their vital part in guiding their daughters through the physical and emotional changes of puberty. When asked for advice on relating to dramatic mood swings and resistance, Robin says it is key for mothers to move past the outward obstacles.
“Her poor body is just going through so many changes,” the author explains, and encourages moms to be steady and take that initiative. And say, “I want to move our relationship on the way to womanhood.”
She urges mothers not to wait for their daughters to come to them, but to proactively “build that bridge” themselves.
Robin explains, “It’s the mom’s responsibility to build that bridge so the daughter can walk across, rather than the mom standing over here with this gap between them.”
Daughters are already overwhelmed navigating new feelings and pressures. Making the first effort to connect shows them the door is open whenever they are ready.
Robin points to the example of two mothers who decided to take their daughters to lunch together. The idea was to have an intentional talk about the coming changes and self-respect. The conversation felt awkward at the time. It wasn’t until later that the moms realized their daughters absorbed every word, and were able to come to them when they needed more information.
Whatever works. The key is being proactive rather than shrugging it off until after the teen years have passed.
Welcome girls into womanhood
Robin recommends treating girls to a special “welcome to womanhood” party. The best time is around age 9. The idea is to pave the way for more meaningful conversations later.
She recalls her own daughter’s delight at learning she would experience a unique monthly cycle, just like women throughout history.
“Rachel was just so stunned” Robin recalled when her daughter asked, “So boys don’t have anything like this every month? No angels can’t have babies? Only women can have babies?–It’s an honor to be a woman!'” Planting these seeds early helps combat the influence of social pressures that will come.
Her daughter embraced the womanhood news with wonder at age 9. “It was such power in that to her that when she started she had all her supplies. She had all her information and she was ready to see it as a good thing.”
Talking to Your Tween Daughter About
Bodily Changes Doesn't Have to be Awkward
Move from influencers to mentors
Before Your Tween Daughter Becomes a Woman further counsels mothers how to discern between the many influencers in their daughter’s lives.
Robin notes, “There’s influencers who are everywhere –use this shampoo, look at this cute pair of shoes. So they’re always getting messages on social media, from friends, being influenced.” She reminds moms that while influencers provide impressions, role models demonstrate life examples, both good or bad. But a mother’s role goes beyond both to engage in an active mentoring relationship.
Preparing girls for womanhood
“It’s having conversations back and forth whereas, with influencers you’re just getting the influence and role models you don’t really have a relationship with.” Mothers should see themselves as mentors who can provide guidance tailored to their daughter’s unique needs and perspective.
Though establishing this connection may be uncomfortable at first, Robin insists a mother’s efforts do not go unnoticed. The impact emerges in time, helping daughters know “the bridge is there” whenever challenges arise.
Overcoming communication struggles
When asked how mothers can push through dramatic reactions from daughters, Robin acknowledges the difficulties but urges perseverance. She insists “for moms, just kind of have a different view of their role as a sacred privilege.”
Many mothers, Robin explains, feel too intimidated and unsure of themselves to step up and guide their daughters through womanhood. The key is focusing beyond the outward moods and behaviors to see the root changes behind them. Meeting resistance or confusion with patience and calmness keeps the bridge in place until the daughter is ready to cross over in her own time.
Carrying the torch
While today’s fast-changing culture presents new obstacles, Robin’s guidance for mothers is timeless. By taking the lead to connect with daughters, mothers pass on a legacy of wisdom, support and understanding that girls can carry with them into womanhood and beyond. Though her own mother provided little guidance, Robin took up the torch for the next generation.
She says that after her own negative experience starting menstruation with no preparation, “I thought I’m going to trust God that we can change this in this generation. Flip the script or change the narrative and that begins by opening up the conversation being the one to build the bridge.”
Despite discomfort or uncertainty, mothers can rewrite the story and equip daughters to meet today’s challenges with confidence.
Watch for subtle physical changes like widening brown area around nipples. Body odor can signal the right time to initiate a conversation about the changes to come. Though parents today allow more privacy, staying observant and not waiting until after the first period is key.
